Dendrochronologists and speliologists have joined research efforts to confirm dates of the wood in the cave when Jesus was buried. Thanks to new methods learned from watching Titanic and CSI reruns, the dating methods conclude with 91% accuracy that the remains are those of Jesus and his wife and daughter.
Egyptologists report that this confirms the resurrection of Jesus and casts serious doubt on the existence on a working Star Gate. Their consensus is that after Jesus died and was entombed for three days, he attempted to use the Star Gate but failed. He came back to earth and realized that the only way to save his people was to live as a man and give birth to a son to repair the Star Gate.
Unfortunately his child was a daughter.
Blind to his mistake, he pretended she was his son and died believing that there was nothing more he could do to complete the repair plan.