Dear Friends and Readers,
This is the first in our “Trouble with Teens” (TWT) posts. To kick us off, I am going to make an earth shattering revelation… wait for it…. wait for it…
Teenagers have hormones! **Cue shock and awe.**
We all know this, but how do we best respond? Below are some ways that organizations I have been a part of have addressed the first of many common teen issues: Physical Boundaries.
I am warning you ahead of time, some of this will sound ridiculously prudish. This is for 3 main reasons:
1) The more at-risk the kids are that you work with, the more likely you are to implement strict rules. The ideas that seem the most conservative are the ones that come from working with foster kids, kids from the inner city, and teens who were in trouble with the law.
2) Generally, rules have to be implemented when the common sense of youth fails to guide them towards appropriate behavior. Rules aren’t made until someone breaks them. Thus, rules tend to be as extreme as the situation that brought them about.
3) I am a prude.
RULES ABOUT PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES:
Specific rules and policies vary, but they tend to fall into 4 basic categories.
TYPE 1: Separate Genders Completely.
- This does nothing to address same gender physical boundary issues, and it doesn’t teach teens how to interact appropriately with peers of the opposite gender (other than teaching by staff setting an example). It does, however, have its perks.
- It is easier to address relationship issues with more frankness when you are only talking with kids of one gender.
- Especially with girls, if the teens have been sexually assaulted/molested in the past, it creates a much less threatening environment.
- It eliminates worry for staff so that they can focus on other issues and tasks.
- This works well in small groups for short periods of time and is often used (and I would strongly recommend using this) for youth group bible studies or “focus groups” for character/lifestyle education.
- I once worked at a camp where boys came one week and girls came another. This of course meant that kids viewed counselors of the opposite gender as hot commodities, but as long as counselors knew how to respond swiftly, appropriately and consistently, this was not an issue.
- At this same camp, the summer before I worked there, a counselor jumped out of a canoe that had two teenage girls in it and swam to shore because they continued to ask him to have sex with them. Kudos to that counselor.
TYPE 2: Supervised, Limited Interaction.
- 6 Foot Rule: Two kids being too friendly? Simple solution: they are not allowed within 6 feet of each other.
- That means if they both stretch their arms towards one another, they shouldn’t be able to touch.
- That means if they talked to one another, someone nearby will be able to hear the conversation as well.
- Separate Chairs and Couches: If kids of opposite genders don’t sit next to each other, then it is far more difficult for them to get too cozy.
- This doesn’t help with same gender over-friendliness issues, but can eliminate a large portion of the problem.
- One teen per seat (3 kids to a couch, 2 to a love seat, etc) is another rule that can help avoid those “we were squished and my hand slipped” issues.
TYPE #3: Supervised Interaction.
- Clear, Consistent Rules!
- Are couples allowed to hold hands? What about heads resting on shoulders? When kids sit next to each other, is it okay if legs are touching? Set clear, consistent rules that are appropriate for the setting.
- Those rules should be somewhere between chastity belts and organizing a game of 7 minutes in heaven- but will depend on your kids, your staff and the general environment.
- Verbal Reminders: I like quick, easy and consistent phrases to remind kids about the rules in a casual way. You can whisper it in their ear or announce it to a group without explanation or awkwardness, and everyone knows what to do.
- “Appropriate Boundaries”/”Keep Your Body to Yourself” These are my favorite phrases to use in a non-religious setting. I use “appropriate boundaries” when I am being Serious Miss Brenda, and “keep your body to yourself” in a sing-songy voice (a familiar phrase, since it is my same no-fighting rule) when I am being Goofy Miss Brenda.
- “Room for Jesus” This phrase is far more effective in a religious setting. It is pretty common for kids to be a bit more self conscious and disciplined in a church than at school or when just hanging out with friends, but it never hurts to remind kids that both you and God are watching.
- Staff Placement: When elementary students are being too loud, what do you do? You stand next to them and stare of course. When teens are being too friendly, what do you do? You go ahead and squeeze in right between them. They can’t cuddle through you and the awkwardness is not something they will forget…works every time.
TYPE #4: No Supervision (AKA Pregnancy and Lawsuits).
What have you tried/experienced?