Straight talk About Erections
A healthy male averages 11 erections per day—nine of them while asleep. After ejaculating, it can take him anywhere from two minutes to two weeks to achieve another erection.
Gallons of cum
The average man shoots one to two teaspoons of cum per orgasm. During his life, he will cum over 7,000 times, resulting in 14 gallons o’ jizz, give or take a few drops. Each load contains approximately seven calories, and each spurt whizzes through the air at around 28 MPH.
From shower to grower
On average, a limp penis will increase in volume 300% when it is erect. It will also contain more than eight to ten times its normal amount of blood.
The biggest erect penis ever recorded was 13.5 inches. Researchers estimate that fewer than 5,000 men on earth have a penis 11 inches or larger.
History tells the sad tale of many men whose full erections didn’t even stretch out to a half-inch. Scientists refer to this condition as “micropenis,” which can be surgically remedied to the point where the sufferer can boast of a still-laughable post-op three-inch schween. For every 35 or so pounds that a man gains, his penis will appear an inch smaller. Napoleon was rumored to be totin’ a notoriously small cock, causing him to freak out and attempt conquering the world. The ancient Greeks favored itty-bitty male organs, deeming them more visually pleasing than veiny purple power tools.
The myth is a tiny bit true
The Kinsey Report verified the longstanding rumor that black men have larger penises than whitey. The average black male’s hard-on measures 6.3 inches, leaving the white man far behind at a pitiful mean of 6.2 inches.
Boys will be boys
Male fetuses can sport wood during the third trimester, according to Ultrasound tests.
Smells like a boner
Aromas reputed to increase penile blood flow: licorice, pumpkin pie, lavender, donuts, and chocolate.
Super-duper sperm scooper
Scientists have recently speculated that the head of the human penis evolved into its current “mushroom” shape in order to scoop rival males’ sperm out of the vagina.
Smite there land and sever their penises
Around 1300 B.C., victorious Egyptian troops marched home with more than 13,000 severed Libyan penises. Seven hundred years later, Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar rolled over Jerusalem and sliced off thousands of Jewish weenies.
Testifying on testicles
In pre-biblical times, men would swear on their own penises. The word “testify” is derived from a Roman legal practice of swearing on one’s testicles. The word “penis” comes from the Latin word for “tail.”
In 1609, an Italian physician documented the first case of a man with diphallasparatus two or more penises). This ultra-rare condition has since been found in less than 80 men.
Not so pleased to meet you
Australia’s Walibri tribesmen say hello by shaking one another’s penises.
Longest money shot
Medical researchers once recorded a man whose wad sailed a staggering 11.7 feet. The best I can manage is to squirt myself in the face every so often.
What’s another word for dick?
My Favorite Penile Euphemisms
ALBINO CAVE DWELLER
BIG JAKE THE ONE-EYED SNAKE
BLOOD-ENGORGED MAYONNAISE CANNON
BOWLEGGED SWAMP DONKEY
HE WHO MUST BE OBEYED
HEAT-SEEKING MOISTURE MISSILE
JOJO THE CIRCUS CLOWN
MR. MOJO RISIN’
MUSCLE OF LOVE
OLD BLIND BOB
OVARIAN POOL STICK
PURPLE-HEADED WOMB BROOM
SQUIRMIN’ HERMAN THE ONE-EYED GERMAN
VLAD THE IMPALER
WEE WILLY WINKY