President Bush held a press conference Wednesday to declare that the squirrels that keep stealing his wife's wig have been successfully neutralized.
Standing in front of a giant banner reading "Objective Completed", Bush told reporters, "We have demolished their tree and any tree that they could possibly inhabit, major operations to seek out and explode ground holes have stopped, and the air around the White House has been successfully filled with toxic pest poison. We are the victors!"
Indeed, all of the White House press had been wondering since they arrived why the lawn was on fire and the House was enveloped in a cloud of green gas and covered in dirt. When asked by a reporter why the squirrels had attacked his family, Bush replied, "Because they hate freedom." When the reporter pointed out that Bush had been throwing rocks at their tree for eight years and inquired if that had anything to do with it, he got a vacant and glazed-over look on his face, and after about forty-five seconds of staring into the distance he replied, "Nope. Definitely the freedom thing."
Bush says he is certain of victory, despite not finding a single squirrel carcass. "I saw one kind of limping around, I'm pretty sure he died soon after that." His immediate plans are to build a military base of operations on the west lawn to ensure that "all the woodland creatures can finally live like humans. They all desire to be men, even if they don't know it yet."
Bush declined to comment on the recent barrage of acorn attacks from militant rabbits on the south lawn.