Eating Healthy During The Holiday: What Can YOU Do?
Whether you're a kid who just got a five pound chocolate rabbit or a college student who just found the Easter clearance aisle while wandering around Wal*Mart one night instead of doing that one paper that you really ought to be doing because you're tanking that class as it is, practically nobody can resist the many tasty charms of Easter. But your candy gorging can result in unwanted pounds and health conditions, and that's why The EV is here to set your diet straight.
- Fill up on beer and hard liquor
Alcohol will quickly make you feel full, and not in the mood to eat much candy. Consider drinking until needing to vomit to enhance the effect.
- Never eat any carbohydrates ever
Don't just lose the candy, lose the carbs! Scientists have proven that the human body does not need these nasty things, which just serve to make you fat and nothing else.
- Create clever saying, "Eating too much candy isn't dandy!"
This will deter you from consuming all your candy right away, as well as giving you a good chuckle everytime you think of it.
- Become third-world citizen
Many of these poor saps don't even know what candy is! It's a sad world, but if you're serious about your abstinence, bite the bullet and move there. Caution: contracting AIDS, a prominent disease in some third-world villages, may make you appear as if you are losing weight, but you are likely actually dying.
- Watch hit movie Weird Science
The incredible tale of two high school nerds who created their own superwoman using computer technology will send you an important message: you have your own self-worth inside of you, and you'll eventually get the girl of your dreams if you believe in yourself and stand up to Robert Downey Jr. and his thug friends.
- Convert to Judaism
According to Mel Gibson, Jews probably don't celebrate Easter, because they killed Jesus and liked that he died. Because of this, Jewish people do not eat candy on Easter, or ever, for that matter. They also have been known to sprout bat wings and pluck the first-born child from people's houses under the cover of night, but this has little to do with you eating candy.
- Get addicted to heroin
This highly-addictive drug will soon make you forget about pesky things like candy and your job. Watch the pounds fly (note: frequent enough doses of heroin may actually enable you to literally do this)!
- Realize that Jessica fucking Simpson is much richer than you'll ever be
The thought of this walking ball of air being worth more than ten of you, each one working sixty hours a week at that job you can't stand, will eliminate your appetite for candy in a hurry (note: appetite for candy may be replaced with appetite for murder).
- Eat all of candy, but store it in cheeks
If you don't swallow, it can't make you fat. Once in your cheeks, you can ration a few Jolly Ranchers down your throat every so often.
- Kill self
Face it, you can't beat the candy monkey on your back. It's just too strong. Remember to curse Willy Wonka and his damn flying elevator in your suicide note.