STRATEGIES FOR DEALING
WITH DEFIANT, RUDE & OPPOSITIONAL STUDENTS
We have five available choices when we don't
want to follow a direction:
1. Deny or swallow our feelings & comply passively.
2. Refuse in a rude manner. (This is the common
choice for our defiant kids.)
3. Withdraw or run away.
4. Avoid complying by use of trickery and manipulation.
5. Make our feelings and decisions known in an
We want to help our kids adopt patterns #5 (Sometimes
#1 is an appropriate choice, given certain circumstances).
Why Do People Defy Directions?
1. Transitional phases of human development
Ages two to three
Hey, it's your fault. You taught them the NO word.
Now they're using it to test their environment and try to maintain
their prestigious place in the world. Think about it...you're the
king/queen of the world...everyone jumps through hoops for you until
that dreaded moment...the start of toilet training. Previous to
that time, you pretty much got to do things the way you wanted,
when you wanted. Now society places it's first demands on you. There
is a time and place for something. As the eminent Dr. Freud might
describe it: The superego (society's rights and wrongs) is imposed
on your id (the part of you that is impulsive and self-centered).
Kids resist this restriction on their free world. Defiance is an
attempt to keep the known world the way it was.
(Side note: Most of us no longer hold a grudge against our parents
for imposing restrictions during toilet training. In fact, I often
thank my parents...Being toilet trained has really come in handy
for me over the years!)
I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't
know here. With emerging new mental and physical abilities, pre-teens
and teens want to have a say in their world. They want to influence
what happens and have their opinions considered. This desire, mixed
with a lack of life experience, and a not-yet-fully-developed frontal
lobe (the part of the brain that helps us to recognize danger and
fully feel empathy for others), especially in
Imagine that your once strong body and nimble
mind now start to fail you. (I don't have to imagine it...it's happening!)
You're much valued independence is something that you see fading.
You must rely on others for things that you once did capably on
your own. There is resentful at one's failing capacities. Many voice:
"I don't want to be treated like a child!" (What does
that statement say about our society if we don't want to be treated
like children? Consider the RoseBud Soiux [American Indian nation]
language in which the word for child means "Sacred Being".)
2. Defense of assigned personal image
Many children has been assigned identities by
the important adults in their lives. They have been called "bad",
"not very bright", "rude", etc. Maybe the behavior
pattern resulted in the assignment of the label, but maybe the label
promoted the behavior... Imagine it, you hear someone who is in
charge of raising you and has lived in this world much longer than
you telling you that you are not doing well as a child. They are
all-knowing beings. If they say that you are something, then you
accept that they are right. You adopt that identity. What do rude
people do?...RUDE THINGS! We have created the very type of person
we were trying to prevent!
So which came first? The egg or the rubber chicken?
Doesn't matter. Whatever happened before the youngster reached you,
it's now up to you to do things right: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER say that
a child IS a particular type of person. You can say that the behavior
is rude or that the action was thoughtless, but never say that the
kid is rude or thoughtless (or some other negative identity tag).
See the link on this site titled "Nice ways to build self discipline
in kids" for more information and strategies regarding this
(Ways to get our messages imbedded in the youngster's
mind, and improve our connection with the student so that we are
more likely to have our requests followed)
Avoid using positive labels (e.g., "You're
so smart.", "You're a good boy.") because they will
be rejected by a youngster who sees them as being incorrect (given
his/her life experience). So what do we do in place of labels? How
do we break down old image (and build a new one)? Disprove the image
(and build a new one) with non-disputable evidence and point out
factual evidence of good choice making.
-"Thanks for holding the door for us. That was a kind gesture
on your part."
-"Your patience with Ivan really helped him to understand the
-"You showed a lot of restraint & self control in that
situation. Proud of self."
-"Wow. You got it! Tell me how you figured it out."
Set up the youngster for success So if your eyes
are pealed and he's not showing pro-social behavior? What do you
do? Arrange opportunities for the student to do well. Set him/her
up for success, and then recognize the good choice (or some approximation
Reminisce If a potentially frustrating event for
the student is about to occur, you can remind the youngster about
times when the s/he made a good choice (perhaps times when you rigged
the situation for success) and state your belief in his/her ability
to make a good choice in this particular situation that is about
When I was a kid, I remember overhearing people
saying positive things about me. I know now that my parents waited
for me to walk by a conversation they were having with others at
which time they would utter a compliment about me ("Other other
boys were going to go swimming in the river rapids today, but Tom
remembered that it wasn't safe and told them he had to meet a friend
somewhere else.") Did this happen to you too? Devise opportunities
to say positive things about how one of your students followed the
directions or made a good choice. Be sure to state the actions that
occurred. Do not label the student.
Model values and behaviors you'd like the kids
to adopt Are you on time for class? Do you treat others with respect?
Your kids are watching. You are a role model.
Interpret the behavior by placing the unknown
or scattered feelings into perspective. Use "symptom estrangement"
(Fritz Redl's term for separating the inappropriate behavior from
the youngster...in other words "I hate the behavior, but I
believe in your ability to change for the better.") Here's
-"Lee, you're a kid with a lot of potential,
but this behavior isn't helping your popularity with others. I suspect
that the reason you did it is because you were feeling victimized.
We need to learn better ways to handle these types of situations."
(Symptom Estrangement: Dislike the behavior while expressing belief
in the kid's ability to change for the better.)
-"It's a hard for you to hear people say nice things about
yourself, isn't it?"
Kid: "Don't nobody mean it when they say it."
-"It's hard for you to believe that people can care about you,
Kid: "Ain't nobody cares about me."
-"Are you saying that because you don't trust that I'm telling
you the truth?"
Kid: "Hey, I've heard it all before."
-"You've experienced a lot of failure in your young life, but
that doesn't mean that you're
a failure. I see your potential, and I'm here to help you reach
it. There's still time."
Kid: "BUG OFF. Leave me alone."
Below that superficial rejection, which was an
automatic response on the kids part, is a thought that perhaps someone
does care about his/her welfare. You've make a small pinhole in
the dark cover over his/her psyche.
Prepare the student for your positive feedback
(In order to prevents the automatic negative reactions found above)
-"I have something nice I'd like to tell you. Wanna hear it?"
Kid: "NOPE." (but s/he is wondering what you were going
"I'd like give you compliment. How're you
gonna react if I do?"
Kid: "Not well."
Teacher: "That's OK... I'll take my chances."
Make a quick retreat Provide praise in written
form (or make a very quick verbal commentary) and walk away. In
this way, there is no chance for the student to give you an automatic
3. Defiance due to Conflict Between The Student
If your student is known to be "rude",
"defiant", or "oppositional", s/he probably
has a long history of negative experiences with authority figures.
You belong to a group of people who have made his/her life miserable
and said nasty things to him/her. Then s/he meets a nice person
like you, but immediately categorizes you as being "one of
them". Expecting the rejection s/he has experienced before
from teachers who initially said "I care about you and we'll
have a good year.", but then became enemies in the behavior
battle, s/he strikes out at you.
Defiant kids will try to force you into that
"mean teacher" role to keep their concept of the world
intact. It's a coping strategy: They are trying to manage a negative
and unpredictable life. They are trying to protect their injured
self from further harm. They want to get the "inevitable"
rejection over quickly and on their terms. They decide to reject
you before you reject them. They will try to prove that you are
like the others in order to keep their world view intact (however
distorted). They will do things to make you take off your behavior
management halo and pick up a disciplinary pitch fork.
Will you be able to maintain your caring approach
when this student challenges you? Will you be able to avoid taking
these comments and actions personally? Will you be able to stand
back and say "Here is a child in crisis (again). What should
a caring professional such as myself do in this situation? What
reaction on my part is ethical, moral, professional, and in the
youngster's best interests?"
The idea that I'm trying to convey is that educators
often create the very behavior that they complain about. Many times
oppositional behavior results from getting tired of hearing corrections,
chastisement, complaints and other negative comments about oneself
all the time. At some point, kids get fed up and tell negative people
to "take a hike" (or some other wording). If we are going
to change the defiant behavior, we must set kids up for success,
catch them being good when they do succeed, and focus on progress,
however small. Changing these kids to be more cooperative is a series
of small victories (in which both sides win and feel good). If you're
a bossy teacher, don't expect to make much progress with these kids.
Often times, if we are to break a student's negative behavior
pattern, we must break our own "dark side" ways first.
Many of us hold the view that we are the masters and the students
are our slaves...that we are the hammer and the students are the
anvil (I would remind you that the hammer wears out long before
the anvil). Pupils are expected to obey our every direction without
question. Certainly that form of compliance would be nice, but does
it teach our youngsters to think, reason, develop self-regulation
of behavior, and become thoughtful citizens? (The answer is a resounding
As students get older, they want to contribute
to the environment in which they find themselves. They want to influence
the events in their community (the classroom and school). They also
want more responsibility within that arena, and respect for their
views. Certainly we teachers (in general) have more experience and
wisdom than our youngsters, but part of being a wise elder is helping
the younger generations to develop into thoughtful societal contributors,
not automatons who robotically follow commands (except perhaps in
emergency situations). Refrain from escalating a minor incident
into a major battle. Talk privately, NEVER in front of others. Avoid
bringing up past failures and infractions.
Youngsters who feel that they have no control over a situation
will fight for control. Often, they are able to disrupt our classes,
gain the support of others, and be viewed as a champion for student
rights. Many "oppositional" young people, perhaps due
to life circumstances or familial/cultural upbringing (more on this
topic in the future) may be more sensitive to being "ordered"
to engage in actions (e.g., starting work, completing work in a
certain prescribed manner, ceasing behavior deemed inappropriate).
Recognize the "wounded animal" that doesn't trust and
is trying to prevent deeper hurt. This child is afraid, but showing
you other behaviors to disguise that fear. If we could just place
ourselves in their shoes...we would look funny and our feet would
hurt...but let your empathy for others who are hurt win out over
Avoid coercive "Do it dammit!" directions.
Use requests and the word "Please" before politely stated
Avoid toxic penalties. When we engage in behavior
battles with kids, we are at risk for coming to view them as the
enemy. Then we decide to "get tough with them to teach them
a lesson". Odd...we don't learn lessons that way and would
refuse to do what others want us to do (or at least resent them)...but
somehow we think that everyone else will learn a lesson is we "get
tough with 'em".
Use "Symptom Estrangement" (see above).
Don't take it personally. The behavior is part
of the student's disability. Let these oppositional things bounce
off of you.
Never give up on a youngster. Keep believing in
their ability to change for the better...now that s/he has a persistent,
and caring teacher like you.
4. Fear of failure upon seeing teacher's assignments
Imagine that you are in a group of peers. You
are presented with a task that you know you are not able to do well.
You are afraid of being publicly exposed as not being able to accomplish
what others can do. You have a choice: You can be "bad"
or "dumb". Which one would you choose? Certainly, the
"bad" badge has more prestige to it than the "dumb"
label. Many of our kids will choose the former when faced with failure.
Are you sure that the material is on your student's level? Could
your student be avoiding imminent failure? Do you know your students'
instructional levels (if they were motivated to show it)? Are you
able to identify this student's learning preferences (hands-on,
video, etc.) and learning style (auditory, visual, global, inductive,
etc.) so that you can teach to his/her strengths? If not, what will
you do to seek out this information?
-Modify assignments so that reading/writing level
do not come into play. See web sites like www.LDonline.com for ideas
on how to modify assignments so that kids can show their knowledge
without limited skills getting in the way.
-Focus on effort, not accuracy. If kids are trying their best,
we should be happy teachers doing cartwheels! With effort will come
accuracy and acquisition of knowledge. Promote "best effort"
over grades and scores. You'll find that exactness will increase
over time if kids don't fear grades. Can't focus solely on effort
due to the school's requirement that you must submit grades? Could
you build effort into the academic grade (sort of like a daily quiz)?
If not, at least focus on effort in your classroom, even though
you must eventually assign a grade. That grade will probably be
higher than if you focused on the grade obtained on assignments.
Kids will learn more if they're engaged in the task. Requiring only
one's best effort results in progress.
-Get them started first with some help and support.
-Break down the task into sections and have each part checked before
-Offer options for completion. Provide acceptable ways (to you)
for showing one's knowledge.
-Have the student place his/her answers/thoughts onto audio tape.
Then score those answers for content. Use written work as an exercise
to improve that particular skill. In other words, separate the information
from the skill that gets in the way of showing one's knowledge.
-Implement cooperative learning, peer tutoring,
and/or cross-age tutoring (see the link on this site titled "cooperative
OTHER GENERAL STRATEGIES TO USE WITH KIDS WHO
The Event That Never Happens - Prevent and Analyze
Be proactive. Based upon past experience and analysis
of the youngster's behavior, predict situations in which the behavior
might arise and attempt to prevent it's occurrence. Become skilled
at identifying the goal or function of the student's behavior (see
the links on the home page of www.BehaviorAdvisor.com titled "Figuring
out why kids misbehave..." and "Functional Behavior Assessment").
Defusing Refusing - Say it nicely
\We all like to be shown respect by others. If
"non-compliant", "defiant", and "oppositional"
kids feel that their view point has been considered or that they
have been "asked" rather than "told" to do something,
they are more likely to comply. Consider your own life: How would
you prefer that bosses, spouses, elder siblings, parents, principals,
and professors gain your cooperation? Don't you respond better to
a friendly, supportive supervisor?
You can find tips on saying it nicely in the following links on
our home page:
-Nice things to try (before using "do it or else" interventions)
-Gaining and getting respect
If these strategies fail, you can always follow
them with the usual coercive interventions. If the less intrusive
strategies don't work initially, don't give up. Keep using them
before implementing penalties. Kids will, over time, notice the
progression of events and recognize the benefits of responding to
your earlier, gentler attempts to gain their cooperation.
Offer a selection of choices that are acceptable
"Non-compliant" pupils wish to have
some degree of influence or control in a situation. They rebel against
adults who they view as being oppressive. Instead of demanding that
the work be completed in a prescribed manner, give the youngster
"power" in a situation while still getting what you want
(displaying knowledge). Just provide the youngster with a choice
of several ways of completing the assignment.
Suppose you want Jasmine to write in her daily
journal, but she refuses. You might offer her the following options
which you deem acceptable:
-Write in pencil instead of pen
-Use a green ink pen
-Use a felt tip pen
-Compose the essay on a computer, print it out, and paste it in
-Draw a picture of what she would otherwise write about (ask for
a caption and short summary later)
A picture???!!!! How can I suggest such a thing??!!
OK, then don't offer that option. However, please consider that
a picture represents her story, and if she's going to rebel against
your demand to write in blue ink, you're not going to get anything
from her when she rebels (and the argument will ruin your day, irritate
the principal when you send Jasmine to the office, and upset the
other kids). Isn't the submission of something better than nothing
at all (at least as a start)? Once you have her product, thank her
for submitting it, find something to compliment, and encourage further
compliance. Perhaps after some positive commentary, you can say
"Now I realize what you're capable of doing. I know I'm going
to see more of this super work in the future. Right?" Or compliment
the product and try to get a bit more out of the youngster right
then ("This is a well drawn and realistic rendering. Would
you mind writing a caption to it so that we know what it's about?"
OR "This essay is very strong in content and your penmanship
(is this a sexist term?) and writing mechanics are excellent. You
know what would really distinguish this piece from ordinary ones?...
More colorful and vivid words that enhance your images. Remember
our lesson on adjectives? Can you fit in 3 or 4 descriptive words
for your nouns? Don't worry about writing your piece over again,
just write the adjectives above where you want them to go. I'll
know where they belong.")
Another example: "Josh, you're on the cleanup
crew today. Do you want to be the gum scraper, paper picker upper,
broom pusher, dust pan holder, or mopper? Graffiti remover? Oh...thanks
for reminding me of that. What's your plan for removing it? ("Paint
over it.") That will certainly get that scribbling out of our
site, but then we still have a messy wall. Would you like to use
soap and water or spray chemicals and a rag? ("Spray chemicals.")
OK, but you realize that you'll have to wear goggles and rubber
gloves, before you use the spray bottle right? (OK)"
Allow the student to self-monitor and self-evaluate
Allowing student to evaluate their own work gives
them "power". You might provide a checklist to be completed,
or ask the students to list the strong and weak points of their
academic products. For behavior in general, visit our page on "self
monitoring". This procedure involves the student in his/her
own behavior change for the better.
Send a note
Notes are a great way to prevent misbehavior,
nip it in the bud, or address issues. The permanent and novel (at
least between teachers and kids) form of communication often makes
a more dramatic impact upon the behavior and emotional state of
our students. Below, you'll find examples of different types of
notes. Just remember though: watch the wording (remember that this
note might be shown to others) and be aware that it is more difficult
to convey emotion in writing...add a smiley face to the note (or
to your face as you deliver the document).
Pre-emptive/Preventive Notes (Present these to the student(s) before
"Svetlana, remember to raise you hand to offer an answer or
"Group 2: Bring your discussion to a close soon. Have your
projects put away by 2:10pm."
fter-The-Fact (Present these to address a behavior/event after
it has occurred)
"Chandra, please see me at your convenience, but before the
"I was saddened to hear of your family's loss. If you want
to talk, I'm available."
"T.J.: Insightful answers in class today. Thanks for contributing."
"Shoshana, thanks for helping me yesterday. It's greatly appreciated.
"Calvin, I let some rude remarks pass today. I expect respectful
Humorous Reminders (To address issues that need resolution now...or
in a couple of minutes)
Dear Willie: Please stop using invisible ink.
Dear Josie: I get lonely without words.
Dear Ali: I can't think straight. I need my mind organized.
"Offers Of Assistance"
Here's a typical scenario: The teacher says "Hector,
open your book to page 14 and answer the questions please."
Hector says "I ain't opening no stupid book. This is baby crap."
Hector is sending a false message to his peers...He's too bright
for this material and rejects you for asking him to do the assignment.
The true message is that the material is much to difficult for him.
He knows that it is better to be "bad" than "dumb".
Here's how to use notes to gain cooperation...
If you detect that the youngster needs assistance:
-Continue to teach the lesson while moving slowly toward the student.
-As you teach, write on a "post it" (sticky back) "Do
you want help?" (Be sure to use the word "want"...he
can't admit that he "needs" help)
-Keep walking, but look back to the youngster in a couple of seconds
-Wait for a cue from him/her as to "Yes" or "No"
-If "Yes", write another note: "From me or another
-Watch for a non-verbal reply (e.g., nod of head, pointing to someone)
"Offers of assistance don't force kids to
reveal that they need help and give "personal space" to
oppositional kids while being supportive.
Engage in Problem Solving
Visit this site's page on "Problem Solving".
Once familiar with the process, schedule a meeting with the student.
Respectfully and cooperatively work with the student to devise a
Reproduced from Behavior
Advisor with permission. Click here for
the full range of Asperger's and autism fact sheets and personal
stories at www.autism-help.org