You're a brave woman for reaching out for help. You're courageous for trying to make things work. YOU DESERVE BETTER! You can and will create a better and a healthier path for yourself. I know you will because I can tell that you're doing the important work right here on this forum. You're reaching out. You're honoring your own feelings and your own pain! That sucks! But it's what you must do. When we move forward in life, it makes sense that we feel lost, that we don't know how things will turn out, that we DOUBT ourselves and our ability to make a decent future. (I hope I'm not putting words in your mouth.) But those things are natural. It's natural for you not to see the things that others can see clear as day.
If your husband hasn't ended his affair, then he's in too deep with that bullshit. He can't tell the difference between love and hate. I have to tell you that it's NOT LOVING TO CARRY ON AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED PERSON! It's not sexy or fun. It's HATEFUL! It's CRUEL! It's MEAN!
Now, I know and understand that good people can do mean things, but only when ignorance is an excuse. If someone does something mean WHEN THEY KNOW IT'S CRUEL, HATEFUL and MEAN, then it means that they're cruel, hateful and mean. And you don't need to be with someone like that. And if your husband can't tell the difference between the hateful situation he's creating with the OW and the positive and loving life and future he has with you, then you don't need him. You don't need that kind of bullshit in your life. Nobody does. Cut him loose. Leave him to that selfish and cruel woman. If she thinks she's getting anything but a messed up dude who doesn't know the difference between love and cruelty, she'll find out that she's painfully mistaken. If he thinks that pairing his damaged self with a woman like that, well... I'd wish him the best of luck and move on!
My prayers are with you. Good luck. Stay strong. Do the things that make you feel good. Do the things that make you feel loved and positive. Do things that are fun and lighthearted. And may you find a way past the pain and through the anger. Bob