I had to write a letter to myself pretending to be my father, and what I'd wish he'd say
I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I'm supposed to be your protector, your savior, and my failure as such leaves me at a loss. The thought of you used and discarded as such torments my waking thoughts, as well as assaulting my dreams. turning my would be fanciful whims into bombarding arrays of disconcerted screams. A torrential avalance of fears and failures consumes me. My grief at your loss is so potent it has surpassed mere emotions and become tangible, manifesting physically. My chest tightens, my lungs compress. I cannot breathe. And although no physical force exists, I feel a magnitude of pressure being exerted on me.
The unjust travesties are seared into my mind; corrupting my very core, contaminating my essence. My failures and qualms resonating to hinder your progression. Your degradation hurts me in ways neither of us could even begin to fathom. The thought of your body being broken, your soul being crushed, your smile being void, vacant, and never shining so bright tears me to pieces. Baby girl, I'm so sorry this world is cruel and harsh, and I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you, couldn't shield you. I'm so sorry that all those sacrifices I made for us to be a family, to keep us together, wasn't what was best for us individually, just as a family. I wanted to give you the world, show it to you. Instead you wander off, and my deepest fear is you'll never be the same. And my single most encompassing, consuming regret was that I was not there to protect you when you needed me most, that I never told you it wasn't your fault and that just because bad things happen, it doesn't mean the whole world is bad. I never could explain why it is so twisted and rough, but I never did tell you one person destroying another's innocence for their own selfish sadistic reasons doesn't mean it was right, or that you deserved it. You deserve better than that, and you deserved me to tell you that.
No adhesive is strong enough to make me or you whole again, and no action can eradicate the past. To dry your tears, I'd cry an ocean. To ease your heartache, I'd trade my heart.
Daddy - O