This week representatives of the Association of Kansans for Evolution Theology met with the Ecumenical Council of Kansas Christians to press their demands for equal representation for evolution theology in Kansas churches. "It's really upsetting to us that as parents who try to raise our children not to believe in the divine creation of the universe we cannot take our families to church on Sunday without having the Christian creation myth preached at us." said evolution theologian Paige Turner. "We want churches to have to tell both sides of the story."
The group of evolution theologians claim as legal precedent the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to remove all references to biological evolution from the public school science curriculum in order to satisfy the religious needs of creation scientists. "We're only making the same set of demands that the creation scientists make of public schools," explained Turner. "Just as they feel that religious ideas should be represented in science courses, we believe that scientific theories should help to dictate the content of sermons in Christian churches."
The Kansas evolution theologians say that they don't mind if priests, ministers and other preachers mention God as a possible creator of the universe. What they suggest is that other religious ideas, such as those of evolution theology, be given equal time. They have asked that the following phrase be added to the Holy Bible (the standard textbook for Christian theology): "Although some religious people believe that the universe was created by God, this belief is not objective truth, just religious dogma. A large number of others believe that God is a big fat lie and that the universe came into being through purely natural processes which can be explained through scientific research." The Association of Kansans for Evolution Theology also asked that children in Sunday school be allowed to conduct voluntary organized scientific experiments during Biblical instruction, that churches fund field trips to genetics laboratories, and that religious private schools give vouchers to students who want to attend public school in order to get adequate science education.
"This is crazy!" exclaimed Wright Schuss, a creation science protester who stood outside the meeting holding a sign reading, "I'm right and you're not because God says so." By day Schuss sells vacuum cleaners, but in his spare time he heads Kansas Bumpkins for Bibles in Biology. "These evolution theologists are trying to teach people critical thinking skills by disguising their science with a thin veil of theological justification. To force churches to teach about biological evolution would be a violation of the separation of church and state. It's just wrong for any group of people to foist their beliefs on others. That's why we feel it's necessary to have organized Christian prayers in public schools."
Evolution theologians insist that they are not scientists at all, but fully qualified theologians. "We are very careful to use the traditional methods of religion in our work," reads their latest press release, "including divine revelation, assertion of truth in the absence of evidence, imperfect translations of the Bible, and blind faith in the proclamations of our religious authorities." Evolution theology asserts that the scientific theory of biological evolution as proposed by Darwin and Wallace is supported by the teachings of Christianity.
Christian Proof of Evolution
For example, evolution theologians working on archaeological digs in Turkey claim to have found excerpts from Darwin's On the Origin of Species written on the Dead Sea Scrolls and diagrams of DNA carved on planks of Noah's Ark recovered from Mount Ararat. They also cite an incident in a small town in Yugoslavia, where a vision of the Virgin Mary appeared to 3 schoolchildren and told them, "The assertion by mainstream Christianity of a divine creation is a lie. Biological evolution is God's truth. Oh yeah, and can you build me another shrine and sell vials of holy water there for 29.95?"
Mark A. Genstya, president of the presitgious Buffalo River University School of Theology, explains that religious scholars at his school have recently completed a revised translation of the Bible from the original Russian and have discovered that the traditional account of creation in Genesis is in need of revision. It turns out that when properly translated, the book of Genesis says "On the first day, God took a day of rest. He did that on the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh days too. Meanwhile, the Universe was created in a Big Bang and after awhile the Earth was assembled by natural processes and life began a bit later as a result of scientifically explainable chemical reactions and from that time evolved according to the dictates of natural selection."
Another discovery of evolution theology is that Jesus' parables were actually lectures on evolution. In one lecture, Jesus told his 12 students to "consider the lilies of the field. Most of them have yellow petals, but these ones over here, as a result of random mutations, have orange petals. If this change gives the orange lilies an advantage in reproduction by making them more attractive to pollinators, then they will tend to replace the yellow lilies, and evolution of the species will have taken place." In the new gospel, Jesus also gives a lecture on how water turns into wine through complex interactions of grape vines with their surrounding environment.
Evolution theology emphasizes the importance of direct communication with God for confirmation of biological evolution. During one recent conference, a lecturer began speaking in tongues, spontaneously chanting the entire genome of the marine iguana. "I'd like to see Christian theologians explain that one," challenged Genstya. The students at Buffalo University also pray on a nightly basis. "We ask God to strike us down with lightning if evolution is untrue," explained one student. "So far, none of us have been killed, so evolution must be correct. God works in mysterious ways."
Evolution theologians explain that their true concern is for the morality of America's youth. "By bringing critical thinking skills back into America's churches," explained Turner, "we hope to stem the tide of religious violence at the hands of bogus faith healers, abortion clinic bombers, gay bashers, christian militia terrorists. We also believe that taking God out of our churches will help to decrease the recent rash of ritual sexual abuse by Catholic priests and embezzlement by Southern Baptist preachers. What this country needs right now is a return to the tradition of our Founding Fathers: godless skepticism."
"I honestly don't understand what all the fuss is about," exclaimed an exasperated Genstya. "All evolution theology teaches is that biological evolution is true because we say it's true. Christians have been using this same form of argument for centuries, so we assumed that they would agree with us. It's too bad they'll go to Hell for disagreeing with us, but I guess it's their choice."
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