Why? I hear you cry. Why oh why, Jim?
Why? Help us understand. Explain it to us, Oh Great Wizard of Stonekettle Station.
Why didn’t Obama release his actual no-foolin’ long-form double-platinum birth certificate before now? If he was going to do it, why wait this long? Why didn’t he just produce the damned thing when all the hoopla started?
It’s been two years.
Two damned years.
He could have put an end to the rumors and conspiracy theories two years ago.
He could have quietly shushed poor Orly Taitz long ago, before her increasingly spastic antics became the easy laughing stock of late night TV hosts. Obama basically destroyed this woman. She’s the real victim here. He drove her over the edge, he must have known what was going to happen. It was like giving a drug addict a hallucinogenic poison-skinned toad as a house warming gift, sooner or later they’re going to lick the oily secretions off its cold warty skin and reduce their frontal lobes to a thin mushy gruel, and why? Why would you do such a thing?
He could have saved the GOP tens of thousands of man-hours lost shaking the bushes for the mythical snipe. The Republicans could have solved the financial crisis, turned poor people into tasty Jesus flavored gasoline, and made Karl Rove CEO of NPR by now if they had not had to deal with the code-orange security threat posed by the National Obama Birth Certificate Crisis.
He could have saved Glenn Beck untold gallons of salty crocodile tears – the poor man is so dehydrated now that he may never be able to sell gold again and he’ll have to leave FoxNews – and who then will protect our nation from the impending Nazi Illuminati New World Order Nazi Muslim Brotherhood Caliphate of Socialist Nazi Doom? Also, Nazis.
Obama could have saved The Donald millions, instead the tycoon was forced to spend his fortune on private investigators and lawyers and air-time, talk about forced redistribution of wealth. By the time Obama dropped the punchline, Trump was reduced to getting his hair weed-wacked by the same toad licking dog groomer Orly Taitz uses.
And he could have aborted the birthers before they ever drew their first gin and tinfoil scented breath. Obama could have given the entire Tea Party movement one big D&C, scraping them off the moist fecund uterine wall of America politics like the twenty year old girlfriend of a conservative Senator in a Costa Rican “health spa.”
Yes, Obama could have done those things.
But he didn’t.
If you have to ask why, why would Obama let all those people twist in the wind for so long, then you obviously don’t recognize an epic punking when you see one.
Whoa, slow down there, Jim, Obama didn’t punk the birthers. No no no, it was Trump who won.
The Birthers won?
Ha. Don’t make me snort good whiskey through my nose.
Won what? Their ass? Because that’s the trophy they just got handed. Turns out Obama is not after all, in fact, a humanoid illegal alien reptile robot in a rubber human suit from the future bent on the destruction of civilization and the enslavement of the human race (or is he? Or is he?) – and the only people who still don’t believe it are sharing a urine crusted blanket with the moon landing deniers, the goobers who think the LHC will open a doorway into an alternate dimension of carnivorous Justin Bieber clones, and those people who can’t eat pudding without getting it all over their Batman Underoos despite help from the nurse and 200cc’s of Thorazine. Couple more “wins” like this one, and they’ll be fitting The Donald for a gold-trimmed straightjacket and shaving that dead Angora bunny off his noggin so the electrodes fit snuggly.
This win is like an episode of The Apprentice, it’s entertaining about the same way as watching Charlie Sheen careen wildly around like an unbalanced overloaded washing machine flying apart in an explosion of spinning cogs, boiling water, and splattering soap suds is entertaining. I mean, be honest, you’re not watching The Apprentice because you’re hoping the poor bastard actually gets hired, you want to see blood and epic assholery.
Now just hold on a goddamned minute, I hear you say in that aggrieved tone you use when your Ben Franklin Genuine American Revolution Powdered Wig of Freedom causes your sweat-soaked brow to break out in a patriotic heat rash shaped like the Liberty Bell. Whoa, Jim, you’re saying that Obama planned this? That he plotted for two years, sniggering into his sleeve, just waiting, waiting, for the birthers to reach a uncontrolled feverish sexual frenzy like an evangelical minister at an all boys church camp? Waiting patiently in ambush to trump the Chump? You’re saying Obama essentially created the birthers himself? Is that what you’re saying?!
Settle down, take a deep breath. You’ve got a little foam on the corner of your mouth. Here use my napkin to wipe that off. No, no, it’s OK, you can keep the napkin. Better?
To answer your question:
Could be, Doc, it just could be.
See, what if the Tea Party is right?
I know, I know. Stop spitting. It could happen. Bear with me a minute. What if the Tea Party is right?
What if Obama really is, Wylie Coyote like, an evil super genius?
Two years? For an evil super genius, that’s nothing.
Now now, don’t bite at your own flesh, Gentle Reader, you’ll pull out the stitches.
Obama, according to the Tea Party, has been focused for more than 50 years on his monomaniacal plan to take over America. Five decades, folks, and more. So focused on the destruction of America is Obama, that he plotted in the womb before he was even born! Yes, that’s right, he faked his birth certificate at the moment of birth! How? How the hell would I know? Maybe he used his Hypnotizing Negro Ray to alter events across the decades, molding the minds of liberals and conservatives, record keepers and newspaper editors, and to twist at the very fabric of space-time itself!
Like Jesus, we have no record of his childhood. You don’t know, maybe he taunted the other children on the playground, “Nyah nyah, some day I, a scrawny mixed race kid with big ears and a funny name from a broken home will rain down epic socialism on you like a boss! Then you’ll be sorry, White Devils, yesh, oh yesh! Yesh!”
But, see, it was all a joke! It was all a set up.
Good Lord! The patience of the man. All this for a laugh?
Who knows what other mischief the man is capable of?
I mean, think about it. I know it’s hard, your little brain is like a square tire, it’s difficult to get it moving but it will roll if you lubricate it with some tea and push hard enough. Push, Gentle Reader, push! Bump. Bumpa. Bump! Bumpabumpa. Bumpabumpitybump!
See, if trickster Obama could plot for 50 years to punk somebody with the Tigger blood and Adidas DNA of Donald Trump, what else might he be plotting? What aren’t we seeing here? Wait! Trump? Trump! That’s another word for punk’d. Gasp! You don’t think Obama changed the past to make The Donald’s very name a joke? Sweet Baby Buttered Illegal Aliens! How far would Obama go for a gag? I mean, he does have the entire NSA Area-51 Time Travel Directorate of Freedom available to him…
This guy is like the evil Allen Funt* of political humor!
Obama punked The Donald, what if that’s just the start?
What if it turns out that Obama was a good student after all? What if he didn’t use his Magic Minority Mojo to get into Harvard? What if he actually earned his degree. What if he really studied? Holy Cow, the shock will probably crash capitalism and send Trump stock plummeting towards the pavement like a Merrill-Lynch executive. Great Scott! You don’t think that was the plan all along? A hostile takeover of Trump Enterprises! What if Obama is the ultimate Capitalist?
What if he’s only pretending to be a socialist American hating commie Nazi?
And if Obama can punk a great American like Trump as a gag, who might he go after next? White people, African Americans? Hey! What if Obama isn’t, gasp, a Muslim after all? Can’t you just see the shocked faces in the studio audience? What? Obama is really a white Christian? Son of a bitch! Damn, you got us. Good one, Dude! And what’s this? A lifetime supply of hallucinogenic toad flavored Rice-O-Roni as a parting gift? Awesome!
Sigh, I suppose it does sound just a bit outlandish.
It’s much more likely that B. Hussein Obama is really a foreign sleeper agent, a socialist liberal Nazi created by a shadowy cabal of Indonesian Muslims who deftly manipulated world governments in the 1960’s to produce a half black, half white, liberal democrat with a funny foreign sounding name and inserted him into America by creating false birth records and newspaper announcements and bribing both republicans and democrats alike, then had his Kenyan birth father leave so he could be adopted by yet another foreigner and educated in an alien land after renouncing his citizenship only to return to America later as an illegal alien where he manipulated the system to get into some of the best schools in the world while faking his grades so he could get a degree he didn’t earn so that he could later become President with the willing assistance of thousands of people both liberal and conservative because that would be the easiest way to destroy America.
Oh yes, that makes much more sense.
Smile and wave for the camera.
Hey, is that Ashton Kuscher over there?
* If you don’t know who Allen Funt is, you’re not old enough to be reading this blog. Go play with your Pokemon and be quiet, you little punk.