After reading Susan Cain’s book Quiet: the power of something something, I realized that all introverts aren’t weird, shy people. The main difference between introverts and extroverts is that the introvert spends much more time in their head. An extrovert can allow any rough turd of an idea to tumble from their mouth without any consideration of its effect. They’ll say things like “Kim Kardashian is so funny!” “I like shoes!” or “My scatterbrained opinion is useful to this conversation!”
For an introvert this thought-to-speech fast-track not possible*, because each thought must go through a rigorous polishing and vetting procedure before allowing the Thought to make the journey to the mouth. Here’s how it works.
Every Thought is mined out of the Thought Cavern’s of an introvert’s mind. At this time, the Thought is much too large and rough to be sent to the mouth for speech. The Thought is placed on a conveyor belt and sent to the Thought Processing Facility for where it will be refined and possibly approved for the speech. Only the best thoughts are considered for refining.
Upon reaching the Thought Processing Facility, each Thought is tumbled in a sand mixture until the edges are smooth enough and all of the superfluous, “chatty” information is removed. From there the Thought is organized and sent to an orator. The orator rehearses the Thought in front of a mirror for some time (hours, months, years). Then the orator presents the Thought to a panel of experts. Each expert represents a department: Relevance, Tactfulness, Facts, Time to Execute the Speech, Level of Intelligence of the group, Current Political Climate of the group, Gender and Age Appropriateness, Possibility of Being Overheard, Possibility of being taken out of Context, Future Implications, Further Research Required, and The General Paranoia Departments. After the Thought is presented, each expert begins asking questions and suggest ways that the the Thought could be improved or request that the thought be denied the chance of speech. Once this exhaustive process has been completed (a Thought can be in the system from anywhere from microseconds to years), a vote is held and the fate of the Thought is determined. With a 2/3 majority vote from the panel of experts, the thought will be approved for verbal speech. FYI: The General Paranoia Department has full veto power.
So with a 2/3 majority approval, just like a bill turned law, the Thought becomes approved for Speech. The Speech is written on a piece of paper and leaves the safety of the brain in the hands of a neuro-courier. The courier has the most difficult mission of all because the path from the brain to the mouth is a dangerous trek down the sinus cavity.
First the courier must take the Speech past the eyes. The eyes act the same as the Sphynx Gate from The Neverending Story. The courier must run as fast as possible to get past the eyes, but speed alone is not enough. If the courier is not confident in the Speech, the eyes will shoot lasers at him and blast the Speech completely out of existence. This laser blast can cause upper sinus problems in an introvert and may which further impede speech.
Next the courier takes the Speech through the dangers and traps of the Nasal Caverns. The Nasal Caverns are home to the Nose Goblins which are tasked at slowing the courier down and ripping the Speech away. The Speech is ridiculed and the goblins cackle at the possibility that the Thought was about to be spoken. A weak courier will abandon all hope and run back to the safety of the brain. Only the most courageous courier will escape the goblin army and reach the mouth safely.
Finally, after a long hard-fought journey, the Thought-made-Speech, if worthy, has arrived at the mouth. (You’ll notice your introvert is now red, sweating, and pale from all of that work). The courier is tasked with ensuring the thought is in proper order before handing the Speech to the Musician who thrums out the Speech on the Vocal Chords. Unfortunately, due to the difficult journey, the Speech is often scrambled and torn and the courier must paste the Speech back together quickly (before the goblins comes back) to the point it looks like a ransom note. This is why a you may hear an introvert choke out something stupid like, “Um I think, um well we could do it better, but well I guess the way he said it sounded ok so, never mind, what he said was good, you’re good you’re good, never mind… Yeah.”
Of course the introvert thinks that they’ve delivered gold, after such a long journey, and will stand there beaming, awaiting the accolades for the contribution to the conversation. But the success is short lived when all of the people stare blankly at the introvert. An alert system is triggered
*Awkward Silence Alert 5 Seconds*
*Awkward Silence Alert 10 Seconds*
*NOT ENOUGH TIME TO FORM A NEW THOUGHT*
Fortunately, The Vocal Chord Musician has access to an emergency stock of statements, catch phrases, and non sequesters that can be used in such an emergency. Something like “I like carrots!” can be exclaimed to save the day before running away from all human beings so the Thought Process can be recharged (1 to 24 hours).
*Introverts can bypass this process by raising the level of the Alcohol River which allows thoughts to rocket directly from the brain to the mouth on the Jetboat Inebriation. Check your work handbook for policies.