Separation and independence: What to expect when
Most kids conquer separation anxiety by their third birthday. But don't be surprised if, once your child's cleared this hurdle, temporary episodes of separation anxiety continue to recur from time to time.
What you'll see
Children this age can still flip-flop between wanting to be independent and needing to run back to the comfort and security of Mom or Dad's arms. Still, helping your child cope with separation now will make future separations easier. That's especially true if your child has a shy, anxious, or timid temperament, since he may be more sensitive to separations.
Your child will also be less dependent on you by around age 3. That's a positive sign that he's more secure and his sense of identity is stronger. For instance, he'll happily play with other children, instead of just side by side. And, of course, most kids this age walk, talk, feed themselves, and use the potty or toilet with little or no help from you or your partner. By age 4 or so, your child can dress himself, brush his teeth with supervision, and pour his own cereal. But don't panic; despite this emerging independence, there's a long way before your child packs his bags for college.
What you can do
It's simple: Encourage your child's growing independence. "The challenge of parenting lies in finding the balance between nurturing, protecting, and guiding your child, and allowing him to explore, experiment, and become an independent, unique person," says California family therapist Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline book series. So let your child safely try something new, such as trying a different food, handling a conflict with his best friend, or riding a bike, and resist the urge to intervene. Jumping in to say, "I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence.
You'll also want to balance between offering your child developmentally appropriate challenges, which may still involve some frustration on his part, and having him stretch to tackle developmentally inappropriate tasks, which can squelch independence. In other words, let him tough it out a bit to undo his buttons, for instance, but don't set him up to fail by expecting him to cut his sandwich in four triangles. Watch for his cues. Following are some smart strategies to try:
At home If your child has bouts of separation anxiety at home, your best bet is to figure out what he's afraid of — going to bed alone, for instance — and then address those fears with sympathy but not too much fuss, which can create the impression that his anxiety is warranted. To beat the bedtime blues, reassure your child that he's safe in an upbeat but matter-of-fact fashion. Say, "You've had something to drink and you've been to the toilet. So there's no need to get up again. It's time to lie down and go to sleep. Mommy will be in the next room."
When you need to head out for errands without your child or maybe even for a date with your partner, don't sneak out or lie about where you're headed. Prepare your child in advance, and then keep your goodbye ritual predictable, says Kristi Alexander, a pediatric psychologist at United States International University in San Diego. Try, "Christine is coming to play with you tonight while Mama and Daddy go to the movies. We'll come home after you've gone to sleep, but we'll come in and kiss you goodnight." And don't worry: You're not a bad parent if your child has difficulty separating from you. In fact, it's often a sign that you've established a strong bond with your child.
At preschool A child who has a tough time separating, or one who isn't used to being apart from you or your partner, can benefit from a gradual transition to a new childcare or preschool situation. Plan to stay awhile for the first few mornings of preschool so he can get comfortable in this unfamiliar setting before saying your goodbyes. You may need to ease into this new routine by leaving him for only a couple of hours at first and then gradually working up to a half-day or full-day schedule.
Around others Acknowledge the importance of your child's increasingly independent relationships. For instance, suggest that your child invite his preschool pals home. It's important to a child's self-esteem to be able to show off his home, family, and toys. This doesn't mean your house has to be luxurious or filled with expensive playthings; warm and welcoming is what's needed here.
A child's sense of independence is also nourished when you treat him with respect. For instance, his body is his own, so don't insist that he kiss or hug relatives or family friends if he doesn't want to. Instead, let him set his own pace for public displays of affection. If Grandma feels slighted, simply explain to her that you don't want to force your child to show his affection when he doesn't want to — he'll probably find other ways to let her know he's happy to see her.