MY PAPAL SMEAR!
Wrote this for HX magazine (hx.com) and it will appear this Friday--but I couldn't resist giving you, my dear readers, a sneak peek! Points to them for comprehending the importance of "my work".
ANCIENT VATICAN SECRETS UNVEILED: HOW POPE BEEN-A-DICK WAS REALLY SELECTED!
I cannot divulge the name of my source, but I recently met a papal
insider at an undisclosed "adult" bookstore (the devout, humble man was
on his knees), and after plying him with GHB, he happily divulged
the fanatically well-guarded secrets of the arcane ritual of papal
selection. Talk about cardinal sin! Here, in HX, I present a
worldwide exclusive which details the ancient process which begins
with an official solemnly uttering "Extra omnes" (Everyone out).
The doors of the Sistine Chapel are slammed shut.
I. The same official then giggles and utters "Extra omnes closetus".
(Everyone out of the closet) and the 115 cardinals squeal "Hail,
Mary!" at each other with girlish glee.
II. Sick of that hour-long dirge which lists each of the saints, they
launch into a two-hour karaoke session from hell which features
songs from SISTER ACT and NUNSENSE. The black cardinals always steal the
show with best singing voices, dance moves and "runway-in-robes"
III. They pay special tribute to Saint Michael.....Jackson and
jealously praise the Queen of Pop for the large number of children
he's molested. Unlimited rounds of "Jesus Juice" are consumed in his
honor. The "girls" shriek as they hear the opening strains of
Jackson's 1982 hit PYT (Pretty Young Thing).
IV. Pope John Paul II's holy carcass is trotted out one last time. In
a moment of closure they take turns ripping his photo in half a la
Sinead O'Connor on Saturday Night Live and fight over who gets to
steal his jewelry. A ribald round of polak jokes follows. Canonizing
John Paul as a saint is briefly discussed. He is fondly mourned, but
the proposed saint is quickly forgotten as they mourn, even more
fondly, the closing of The Saint nightclub in NYC.
V. Hundreds of condom balloons (their only Catholic-approved use)
are released from the ceiling. The
cardinals remove their mitres to reveal long blonde wigs underneath
and gyrate as Madonna's LIKE A PRAYER begins to play. Italian
Cardinal Martini tends bar and good lord! he makes a mean one.
Candidates from Latin America vie for popularity on the basis of the
quality of their country's cocaine.
VI. The cardinals deliberate over which candidate can best handle
today's dominant issues. The conservative faction urges the
traditional practices like The Spanish Inquisition, witch-hunts, and
forcing devotees to pay for candles which priests pretend to bless,
until they remember that they're still practicing the last one. The
liberal faction urges their brethren to keep the church vital by
allowing priests to marry--met with a loud cry of "You mean, marry
WOMEN?"--and updating the role of women in the church--met with a
thundering unison chant of "Fish on Fridays, Not on Sundays!" All dis-
cussion of women is then promptly ABORTED! A seven-hour
debate over circumcision, complete with underage models
from every nation, begins.
VII. Nude altar boys enter swinging censers which cloud the air with
fumes of marijuana, poppers, and of course, angel dust. Liturgy
gives way to a "lit orgy". It's time for legendary "Browning of the
Candlesticks". The swiss guards are then stripped and orally
searched for "swiss cheese".
VIII. The conclave agrees that an old, ailing candidate should be selected so
that they can party like this again soon. A fist-fight breaks out
amongst the Irish candidates and a full-scale brawl ensues. The last
drunken, degenerate left standing declares himself pope and blows
pot smoke up the chimney. Amen.