July 2, 2006
FUNNY STUFF: HOW TO PISS OFF EX-CHRISTIANS
I ran across this hilarious post when doing an internet search, so I have decided to link it and also copy and paste here, since many people don't click links. Check out the site, Ex-Christian.net. You really don't need to be an Ex-Christian to get pissed off at many of the items on this list.
Top 130 (plus or minus) ways to irritate an ex-Christian
* 1. Ask them why they are bitter against God.
* 2. Tell them that they might as well go out and kill people if there's no God.
* 3. Ask them to pray with you.
* 4. Invite their children to go to church with you.
* 5. Insist that there is a God and show them in the Bible where it says so.
* 6. Hide Chick tracts in clever places around their office.
* 7. Tell them that the Universe is too complex to "Just Exist" and must have been created by a God who "Just Exists"
* 8. Make up statistics to help prove Christianity.
* 9. End a discussion with "Well, you're smarter than me, but I know I'm right."
* 10. Tell them that you feel they're persecuting you.
* 11. Bring up arguments making no sense whatsoever, and criticize their response saying "You're not making sense"
* 12. Use multiple variations of Pascal's Wager and then wonder why the atheist is strangling you.
* 13. Post inane arguments and then never follow up the thread.
* 14. Use the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics to disprove evolution.
* 15. Say that separation of church and state isn't part of our constitution.
* 16. Consider Dr. Hovind as a legitimate source of information.
* 17. Tell them that they "know in their heart" that God exists.
* 18. Say that we all know things by faith.
* 19. After losing a logical argument, saying "I pity you".
* 20 Accuse them of willfully ignoring the "obvious truth".
* 21 Inform them that Kent Hovind offers $250,000 (which may or may not exist) to anyone who can "prove" (meaning prove to the complete exclusion of all other possibilities) evolution (meaning a natural, acausal origin of the entire universe) in front of a neutral (hand-picked by Hovind himself) panel of experts (Duane Gish, Ken Ham, Henry Morris, ksc and 6days).
* 22 Call Kent Hovind "Dr" Hovind.
* 22. Use bad math to back up your claims. ("You made that point before, and furthermore you already used #22!" "No I didn't, learn to think out of your closed evo box!")
* 23. Drink the last beer in the fridge.
* 24. Buy natural light to replace the beer you drank. 12a (Corollary). Say, "You know, if I'm right, I go to heaven, but if I'm wrong I've lost nothing" as though you just thought it up.
* 25. Witness for Jesus and completely ignore everything your competition says. 15a. Insist that the Constitution was based on the ten commandments and therefore America is a "Xian country." (What?!)
* 26. Well, I refuted all your evilutionist arguments and tried to save you, but I cannot waste any more time here - you are beyond saving, so I am leaving.
* 27) "Evolutionists are meanies!"
* 28) I don't care what you say or prove, I still have my faith
* 29) That may be what the verse says, but that's not what it means.
* 30) Argue that bible stories are not myths.... they're parables. And every word is true!
* 31) Lead off by saying, "I'm not a physicist so I have little experience in the field, but the big bang theory just doesn't sound right because..."
* 32) Lead off by explaining, "I'm not a geologist like you, but if I were searching for evidence of a great flood..." after already saying they knew nothing of geology.
* 33) Overwhelm competition with knowledge of science, give many examples, "And because of entropy you have to press the nozzle on a spray can. The nozzle is the entropy."
* 34) Use alot of Latin!
* 35) Explain how the KJV Bible is THE bible, ignoring questions as to what saved people used before 1611.
* 36) Explain how King James wrote the King James Bible.
* 37) Explain how Moses wrote the Books of Moses.
* 38) Explain how just because there is no proof doesn't mean it didn't happen. You can't believe we have all knowledge, can you? So you have to admit it is possible we haven't found the evidence yet, but it does exist.
* 39) Physics can only tell us what happened to 10^-43 seconds after the big bang. So that is clearly E Pluribus Unum and God does exist a priori cum laude.
* 40) Blame absolutely everything wrong in society on the theory of evolution. Even things which predate 1859, like slavery.
* 41) Repeat something as if that makes it true.
* 42) Repeat something as if that makes it true.
* 42) Repeat something as if that makes it true.
* 43. Argue that atheists acknowledge the death of Christ every time they write the date "AD," which of course stands for "After Death."
* 43a.) Argue that the inclusion of AD in the Declaration of Independence proves that this is a Christian nation. (Pat Robertson actually did this)
* 44) You're not really an atheist. You really aren't 100% positive God doesn't exist, so you're really only an agnostic. Admit it. Of course, as a theist, I am 100% sure God exists.
* 45) The Bible is meant to be taken literally! Except that verse you showed me.
* 46) God works in mysterious ways
* 47) We're too small to comprehend God's reasoning
* 48) Be careful not to think of God as he 'should be'
* 48."The fact of you talking about him, or denying his existence proves you wrong." Yes, of course, the mermaids, dragons, and unicorns live in an island far, far away...
* 49."I'll take you to church this weekend." Like you go all the time.
* 50. Claim that something exists (the sea, Mount Everest, dog crap, anything) and then say "therefore god exists."
* 51. Say that a plane crashed killing 300 passengers and crew, but a little girl survived with only third degree burns. Then argue that this miracle proved the existence of a loving and merciful God.
* 52) insist that since there is so much archaeological digging going on in the holy land Jesus must have existed
* 53) say "the Shroud of Turin and the Ark are real, I saw a special on Fox"
* 54) "How DARE you question the morality of God" (after being shown a verse supporting genocide)
* 55) Tell your atheistic, backsliding children, "I raised you to be smarter than that." Along the lines of #s 46 thru 48: "Ours is not to question..."
* 56) Punch them in the face - real REAL hard.
* 57) The bible is scientific. I have already proved this.
* 58. Faith is the only logical answer.
* 59) "We all fall short of God's grace"
* 60) Saying that your Bible quotes are evidence but their quotes are "out of context", no matter what they say.
* 61) When they point out that the quotes are in correct context, say you need to be a Christian to understand the true meaning of the Bible.
* 62) Tell them that they must study the bible for many years to reject Christianity, but when they point out you that you haven't studied the holy book of the (insert religion here) religion but have rejected the (insert same religion here) anyway, say you have faith and faith is all you need.
* 63)tell them that you know god is real because you feel him watching you and that how can you say god is not real if you cant see the air? Then go on to say faith is all you need, and since you don't have faith, you'll go to hell, and my proof of this is the faith I have that you will. Run in circles with these answers until the atheist is completely exhausted, and then tell them that they will come to know god, that they *really* all ready know him, and in the meanwhile (?) , you'll pray for them. And as you leave, throw a god bless your soul over your shoulder...
* 64) sigh, shake your head slowly and say, "I just know that one day you'll need Jesus, and he'll be there for you"
* 65) talk about how you used to be a miserable, sinning, drug-abusing, alcoholic, sex-addicted, spouse-beating criminal, until you found Gawd; because you could not have seen the light without hea-im, amen!
* 66. Have your user name as Eternal "why can't you believe it? I can!!!"
* 67) Knock on their door at 9.00am on Sunday Morning and offer them a free Book of Mormon.
* 68) Tell them that God loves them, even though they don't love themselves.
* 69) (appropriately) Tell them sex is for reproduction purposes only.
* 70) When all else fails, tell them for the gazillionth time about JC's plan about salvation, ignoring everything else,
* 71) When all else fails, resort to refusing to debate. "I don't need to see the table in front of me to know it exists."
* 72) Name a bunch of good, smart Christian people as evidence, but when they name a bunch of good, smart atheist people in rebuttal, call them stupid.
* 73) Tell them that there's a lot of evidence for God, and then refer them to www.chick.com and www.drdino.com.
* 74. There is hard science in the bible just now being discovered, so God must exist.
* 75: Attribute everything from four-legged insects on conflicting genealogies of Jesus to mistranslation and then pull up a mistranslation as evidence that Jesus was predicted by the OT (Isaiah (sp?) I believe said that Israel would be delivered or something in the time that it took for a young woman's child to grow up only to have the "young woman" mistranslated to "virgin")
* 76: When shown that the Bible says that Pi = 3 say that the Hebrews didn't know anything about science so its not their fault, but when shown the beginning on Genesis...
* 84. Smile smugly and say, "There are no atheists in foxholes."
* 85. Smile smugly and quote Psalm 14:1 "The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.' They are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good."
* 86. Give them the very special gift of their very own "paraphrased" modern bible
* 85a. ...and then tell him you think highly of him, and want to be his friend.
* 87. Look at Dave's formatted theology page as a collection of successful proofs of God's existence. http://members.xoom.com/silentdave/theology.html
* 88. Use Bayes' Theorem to prove God exists, and refuse to admit that the probabilities you're using assume the existence of God.
* 88) Confuse and equate religious faith with scientific faith (i.e., "scientists have faith that there are multiple universes") and then claim "we are in the same boat, metaphysically."
* 89) Claim that archeology is proof that the Bible is "true."
* 90) Use logic incorrectly and misconstrue the terms in order to prove why logic does not work.
* 91) Claim that logic is the atheist's god.
* 92) Claim that atheism is a "belief" just like theism, rather than the lack of a belief.
* 93) Use the phrase, "most scholars agree" to support your ludicrous contentions
* 94) Use nothing but circuitous reasoning.
* 95) Claim it is the atheist who uses circuitous reasoning
* 96) State that circuitous reasoning is legitimate due to circuitous reasoning being legitimate.
* 97) (variation on above) Ask for proof that the Bible is not a work of non-fiction and then claim that because there is no proof that the Bible is not non-fiction, it is therefore non-fiction.
* 98) Use, "Hate the sin, not the sinner" as a blanket response to the notion that Christianity is at fault, not necessarily the individual Christian.
* 99) State that Christianity has done a lot of "good" along with the "bad" (aka, mass murder).
* 100) When asked to explain the Trinity, compare it to something simple, like "water" and then misunderstand that you have incorrectly labeled the constructs of your own analogy so that the explanation becomes even more convoluted than the original concept, then dismiss the whole thing with, "you've just got to have faith."
* 101. On hearing someone is an atheist, jump back reflexively, to avoid singeing when lightning strikes! (True story)
* 102. End all your posts with John 3:16.
* 101a) When someone admits that he's an atheist, give him a look as if he were a diseased leper who just spit in your eye.
* 98a) [for the outrageously daring irritator only] What the heck - the Bible never says to separate the sin and sinner - so "Don't call me I'll call you - and keep your perverted-sexual-activity body away from *mine* thank you very much!!!" (TRUE at least in part)
* 107. Claim that although God chooses who is going to heaven and humans have *nothing to do with it*, at the same time each person who is going to hell goes there because he/she sinned.
* 108. Claim that the only reason atheists accuse God of being unloving is that they don't know Him.
* 109. Claim that whatever an atheist says is not worthy of consideration because the Bible says atheists can't discern what's true anyway.
* 110. Offer inane apologetics books thinking they are actually going to do something other than convince the atheists Christians are even more stupid than they hoped...
* 111. Patiently explain that the 42 children that were torn to bits by two she-bears were not really children, but the ancient equivalent of a bikie gang.
* 112. When asked if they would sacrifice their own child for God respond with "yes, but God would never ask me to do that.
* 113. Carefully explain that Lot's daughters were never in danger of gang rape, and that Lot knew this all along.
* 114. Most carefully explain that while all of the Bible is inerrant, Revelation does not literally mean what it says.
* 115) If you truly seek God, you will find Him.
* 116) God answers all prayers. Sometimes the answer is no.
* 117) Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven.
* 119. Say that the atheist cannot love anyone. That is why he cannot believe in a loving God.
* 120: Offer to drive, then insist on listening to "Christian Talk Radio"
* 121) State that you must go to the original intent of the authors in order to figure out what they really meant
* 124) Vehemently claim that the theory of evolution is incompatible with theism, then turn around and blame the theory for promoting atheism.
* 125) Resolutely refuse to give up, claiming that whatever sin they throw at you, you sinned worse and look at you now!!! As Christian as the day is long!!! So there's hope for them yet!
* 126) Claim that Darwin recanted the entire theory of evolution and became a Christian on his deathbed.
* 127) Claim that "Einstein was a Christian"
* 128) Tell your reprobate son that he will "come around" like his sister did.. when she got confirmed simply to be able to get married in a big church.
* 129) Say that you know God exists. It is up to the unbelievers to prove God doesn't exist.
* 130) Say that evolution is not proven. Therefore the scriptures are correct.
* 131) Ask what you DO believe in, if you don't believe in God.
* 131b) then insist that non-belief is also a world view, therefore there is no such thing as an atheist or ex-Christian & xtianity is true
Additions by commenters:
113 a (corollary) Also explain that any time someone in the Bible did something bad/evil/cruel they were a)"only human", b) acted on by God so that "his glory" would come through, c)"being used by god", or d) (my favorite) they "repented" of it later.
132) Insist that they can't possibly have fallen away from the christian faith, because "once a christian, always a christian". Therefore, there is no escape.
133) Tell them deep down God's holy spirit still resides in them. Your conscious will bother you for eternity as you know deep down you are in the wrong.
134) Give them emotional blackmail, telling them how upset you are because they are so lonely now so many are leaving the church. If you don't come back, you are contributing to their misery in this current life. And they still want to be your friend. You used to be an even better friend when you are a christian. They miss your conversations about God.
135) Remind you yet again (just in case you forgot) that you will burn in Hell forever.
136) Say that one can not define Metaphysical constructs like Being/Soul logically using Physical knowledge... And then say that God and Satan are two Fundamentally different Metaphysical Substances...
137) Tell someone they are going to let their child decide on being Baptised, because the Child seems to know what's best for them... Parental hands off approach... to include no educational responsibility...
138) State that religions are bad but people are good, however... good people only go to religious buildings...
136a) The audacity to ever use the Devil made me do it excuse... without being able to define either Metaphysical Substance... Maybe God made them do it...
136b) Look in the Bible where it says God is both Good and Evil, "Of Same Substance", and Continue to Say God and Satan are two different Metaphysical Beings...
136c) Know that Paul snatched the Jewish OT to preach with, knowing the Jews were Monists who believed in only One Metaphysical Substance which is at the core of ALL Metaphysical constructs to include God and Satan, and still blame events in the world on Satan...
139) Actually say that without the KJV bible, Morality just can not be attained by modern society... disregarding the obviously immoral civilizations that predate the bible by thousands of years...
140) Have the sheer ineptitude to claim someone isn't a Christian, but then not know how to Define... Christian or Christianity...
Note: I've given up on getting any honest response to my last post. Seems that those who think that evolution is crap, don't want to really reveal why they sincerely have a problem with it. Also, I realize that the number of anti-evolutionists who read my blog might be quite low, but I did leave feelers out on the net........still no real response...........how predictable.
Check out the media at Yoism on the War on Christianity. Some Christians might say I'm a General. But the idea that there is a war is farcical as the videos show.