Back in the late 80s and early 90s—when most of you were either infants or even a mere gleam in the eye of the man who had a one-night stand of unprotected sex with your mom—there was a brief spurt of pop-culture interest in what are known as Near Death Experiences, AKA “NDEs.”
These events usually involve clinical death rather than legally defined death—in other words, your heart stops beating and you cease to breathe for a few moments…or minutes…until a burly team of sweaty and sexy paramedics revives you—during which you leave your body, float upward toward a tunnel of light, hobnob with dead relatives, and then finally meet Jesus, at which point you exchange idle pleasantries and trade back rubs.
For many, the experience confirms their previously held religious beliefs, at which point they resolve to lead a more spiritual life, which usually means they cease masturbating to barnyard porn and begin volunteer work at the local soup kitchen once a month.
Theories both scientific and religious abound as to what exactly is happening in these cases. Those on the scientific side of the aisle insist that what’s going on is a purely neurological phenomenon, while the spiritually minded would like to believe that such events prove their long-held suspicion that Jehovah God is perched somewhere right above the clouds, ready to greet us with a warm smile and a pipin’-hot tray of sugar cookies the moment we depart this vale of tears.
As someone who was clinically dead twice in early June 2008—I mean, blue-skinned, no-breathing, no-heartbeat dead—I’m here to report that I saw absolutely nothing. No tunnel of light, no angels, no 70 virgins, no Goddess Kali with amazing dental work on her all-consuming vagina, no nothin’. There wasn’t even a sense that any time had elapsed. It was as if I had blinked, then was suddenly in an ambulance (the first time) or the same hospital room (the second).
This appears to suggest two options:
1) Either those who see angels are the same superstitious, credulous, schizoid types who see UFOs and can hear the Virgin Mary talking to them while they shop at Walmart, or…
2) God didn’t invite me to his party.
Have you or anyone you know had a Near Death Experience? Did you see anything? If you did, was it anything you didn’t expect to see? I’m asking for a friend.