1. Why your ex doesn't want to talk right now.
You're just calling to say HI. It's called being NICE.
2. Why the DJ refuses to play every single song you request in the order you request them, even though you clearly have the best musical taste in the club and everything the DJ is playing is garbage.
3. Why people won't give you ample room on the dance floor to express yourself.
4. Why the bouncer won't let you take your drink to-go when the bar closes.
5. Why you can't leave your credit card at the bar and just close your tab tomorrow.
It's basically impossible to remember you have a tab open. How does anyone do it?
6. What an indoor voice is.
We mean: WHAT AN INDOOR VOICE IS.
7. How to pose in pictures.
8. That injuries don't heal themselves.
THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE but you'll be OK, you don't even feel it.
9. Why there's such a long line in the bathroom.
To be fair, sober people don't understand this, either.
10. Why restaurants close before 2:00 a.m. There is a demand, why is there no supply?!
That is just a bad business model.
11. Why fast food does not deliver.
The Burger Kingdom's profits would DOUBLE if they'd just deliver at 3:00 a.m.
12. Why they won't let you walk through the drive-thru, even if you're in car formation.
13. Why urinating in public laws are a thing.
Let us live our truth.
14. That every cop is not out to get you (but maybe some are, so watch out, anyway.)
15. That, while comfortable now, sleeping on the floor will not be comfortable tomorrow.
16. How to take your contacts out.
Alternatively: How they woke up with three contacts in their case?
17. What to turn down for.
18. The laws of physics.
19. The laws of gravity.
20. How they got so drunk.
21. And most important of all: That shots are always a bad idea.
(But they're also a great idea. SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS!)