Auf deutsch: Der Planet der Fahrräder
Movie Review: Beneath
the Valley of the Planet of the Bicycles
Note: I watched this movie
late at night, so I might have a few details wrong.
This classic begins
with an astronaut on a space ship heading far out into galactic space.
He speaks about his great love of motoring in his SUV and his anger towards
politicians, catalytic converters, traffic jams, buses, taxes, welfare,
global warming, and liberals. Obviously, he has left on this trip
in hopes of finding another planet where he is no longer trammeled by considerations
of other people's feelings, well-being, or even survival. However,
I couldn't help but wonder how he expected to be able to drive his vehicle
on a desolate planet which would lack drive-in's, gas stations, and garages.
At any rate, while
I was in the other room, making popcorn and pouring a drink, three of the
astronauts crawled out of their cocoons while the fourth crumbled to dust,
the ship crashed, the astronauts climbed out, fueled their dune buggy off
of the nearly empty ship's tanks, and started driving across the desert
in a desperate search for a gas station, pool of oil, or whatever (they
evidently had plenty of popcorn and beverages themselves, so food was not
Then followed sixty
minutes of watching them driving across the desert while getting into insanely
Then, they suddenly
left the desert to find large numbers of dune buggies and motorcycles being
driven by road warriors through a new corn field. Just as they were
about to join in a drag race with some of their new "friends," the sound
of bicycle sirens were heard, and the dune buggies and motorcycles began
racing around in complete confusion, driving through the corn, running
off of a cliff into the stream below, or smashing into trees. In
the mad rush, the astronauts' vehicle turned over, one of the astronauts
was killed and the others injured. But the real shock was when the
pursuers became visible: they were riding bicycles!
After our astronaut
was captured, he discovered that he was living in a crazy, upside down
world in which motor vehicles were against the law! He and the other
cagers were thrown into cages (for some reason, a dumb-looking valley girl
was thrown into his cage with him), and his astronaut buddy was given a
lobotomy for saying that motor vehicles were better than bicycles. According
to the people on this planet, bicycles had evolved from the more primitive
But our astronaut
was determined to prove them wrong. He decided to break out of jail,
find some fuel, escape in his own vehicle (all the dune buggies and motorcycles
had been pulled into town by horses and were being cut up into scrap one
at a time), discover a good source of fuel, organize his own road warrior
band, and convince everyone else that motor vehicles were superior by driving
down city streets late at night at high speeds.
However, each time
he tried to escape, he was caught, mainly due to his inability to travel
very far without his motor vehicle (I missed one or more of these escape
attempts because I was using the john). They always ended in a fist
fight. One of these times when he was caught, he uttered the famous
words, "Get your hands off of me, you dirty cyclist!"
As a result of
his remarks, he was now brought to a trial for his life, the trial being
a real mockery of justice. He kept claiming that automobiles were
superior and that they lead to a better life while his judges kept claiming
that motor vehicles were inferior and bicycles had been developed later
to solve the problems that motor vehicles had caused. As a result
of this confrontation, he was sentenced to death.
Two events resulted
from this trial: First, one judge came by to offer the astronaut
a pardon if he would reverse his position. The judge admitted that
some of the astronaut's statements had been correct but revealed that the
desert had been created by motor vehicles and stated that the reintroduction
of motor vehicles would destroy what remained of their world. He
said that the death penalty had been agreed on because it was the only
way to silence the astronaut; they did not really wish to kill him: they
wanted him to recant. However, the astronaut refused to compromise,
saying that he would rather die than live in a world without automobiles,
a statement that would have another twist later in the story. Second,
some of his jailers were so outraged by this extreme punishment that they
helped the astronaut escape and even provided him with enough fuel (alcohol)
to drive out into the desert. However, they did not intend for the
valley girl to escape with him, something he insisted upon (which might
suggest that the two had discovered some mutual chord of understanding,
in spite of apparent extreme differences).
desert had been the last place where our astronaut would want to go, but
now he believed he might find fuel buried beneath it, and so he headed
straight for this "forbidden zone." Of course, there were many chase scenes
and attempts of the bicycle people to catch him, but I fell asleep for
a while and missed most of these scenes, fortunately.
In trying to escape
his pursuers, the astronaut (who now looked a little shorter) found a tunnel
down which he could drive his vehicle. The tunnel led to underground
city streets. The streets themselves were packed with huge automobiles
with big tail fins. Evidently, the vehicles had been caught in a
final, massive traffic jam. Inside the cars were mummified bodies
and skeletons, indicating that the people had died in their vehicles when
their fuel had run out. Supposedly, the city was shortly afterwards
covered by drifting dust.
The astronaut was
able to proceed by driving his narrow buggy down the sidewalk. He was searching
for the cause of the traffic jam, hoping to discover some fuel. Finally,
he found it, a huge Esso station, with high billboards behind it announcing
gas rationing. As he pulled into the station, he saw the smaller
signs announcing that the last of gasoline was gone.
At this moment,
our astronaut suddenly realized for the first time that he was on his own
planet and just a few generations into the future. And just as suddenly,
I understood why he would be content with a valley girl. After all,
everyone had been talking in English, writing English, and even using fairly
contemporary English slang and expressions. In addition, all the
plants, animals, and humans had been exactly the same as those on Earth.
Somehow, his being dressed as an astronaut had led me to believe he had
some scientific understanding of the world. Only someone born in
the US, inherently ethnocentric, and completely unscientific in outlook
would expect everyone on another planet to use contemporary American English
and for all the living creatures to be identical to those found in the
USA. Evidently, just the idea that people would consider bicycles
superior was enough to convince him that he was on an alien planet.
was a great shock to him, and he cried out as he beat his dashboard, "They
did it; they did it! The fools! I never thought that they would
go so far!" I wondered, what was it that they had done? Then,
he cried out in a loud voice, "They established gas rationing!" Evidently,
his belief was still that limited fuel supplies and global warming were
purely imaginary and that the end had been brought about by the environmentalists
rather than by the polluters.
I must have fallen
asleep again. He now had been captured by some mutant ninja turtles
who lived in the city and who worshiped the bomb. He told the valley
girl that the bomb they worshiped was a doomsday device, how nutty they
were to worship it, and how he was afraid they might set it off.
Of course, talking to her was like talking to a brick wall, unless you
said something she could understand, such as, "Gee, those tight jeans are
cool!" or "We're almost out of bubble gum!"
However, at that
moment, a desperate fight began between the ninja turtles and the bicycle
people, who had come in search of the astronaut, afraid that he might find
a source of fuel. In the middle of the fight, as soon as the astronaut
had a chance, he rushed over and pushed the button, exploded the bomb and
destroyed the whole world. I'm sure he felt that, after all, if you
can't drive your car, what else is worth living for? A world without
automobiles deserves to be destroyed! However, his behavior contradicted
his earlier statements about the nutty bomb worshipers. Evidently,
he felt the nutty part of their behavior was that they had worshiped the
bomb rather than using it.
In the morning,
I nursed my headache and analyzed the movie. My first conclusion
was that it is a waste of time to try to find any meaning in a Hollywood
movie. I would suggest a late-night bike ride out into the countryside
as giving greater insights into reality. My second conclusion was
that the "hero" of Beneath The Valley of the Planet of the Bicycles
was the typical hero of the 50's and 60's, an ultra-right wing, anti-establishment
extremist who was far more willing to get into a fight or blow up the world
than to try to resolve matters rationally and through compromise.
We would more likely find such a character as the leader of the National
Rifle Association than as an astronaut, I hope. The movie shows the
bicycle people as being more violent and aggressive than the astronaut,
yet I have never seen two cyclists (or any other adults, for that matter)
resolve their differences with a fist fight. My third conclusion
was that so many of the details of the movie were so completely unbelievable
that it would be a waste of time to try to sort them out. However,
I did not find it hard to believe that the bicycle will still be around
when the private passenger combustion engine motor vehicle is a distant
memory, no matter what happens. Of course, auto worshipers will cherish
their machines until they completely disintegrate (as auto worshipers and
automobiles are currently doing in Cuba). But the earth has only
limited resources, and we are pushing that limit. Whether we agree
to some restrictions now, in order to extend the period of auto use and
to limit the damage to our biosphere and climate or whether we allow unrestricted
use until the last drop of oil is gone and Mother Nature has gone mad,
the days of the fossil fuels are numbered.
Somewhere in a
cave in some future time, when, I hope, earth above is full of flowers
and trees and birds and bees and is not a desert, a group of clandestine
worshipers will gather around the last, long-hidden gas guzzler to dream
about tooling down the road and running cyclists off of the road.
They will drink the ritualistic cans of beer and puff the ritualistic cigarettes
and morn the days when men were men and the law of the jungle gave the
right of way to the strong and the powerful. And they will swear
a violent oath: "When I grow up, I'm never going to let anyone tell me
what to do!" Then they will hurry home before their mothers notice
that they still haven't done their homework.