“YaYa (Riley) wouldn’t share the tent and it HURT MY FEELINGS!” Sound familiar? Toddlers and preschoolers haven’t quite figured out how to manage their emotions, and they generally aren’t known for their impulse control. The result tends to be excessive tears over a small bump or very hurt feelings over a minor disagreement…and just about everything in between. All kids are different, though, so some might not react as strongly in the face of emotional events. While Riley falls somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, Liam is just an emotional kid. He gets really, really excited about fun stuff, and very, very sad when things don’t go his way. He’s also 2 ½ and not yet able to regulate his emotions.
If you have a preschooler on your hands who seems to bounce off the walls at the mention of a trip to Grandma’s or who still throws fairly heated tantrums when things don’t go her way, you likely have a child who experiences “emotional intensity”. Relax; it’s not a diagnosis. It just means that your child experiences emotions (everything from excitement to happiness to sadness to anger) with great intensity and has a hard time regulating those emotions. In short, an emotionally intense child is easily overwhelmed by his feelings.
The most important thing you can do to help your preschooler manage his emotions is to be supportive as he learns to cope. What is relaxing to one child might not be to another, and sometimes it takes some trial and error to help your child figure out what will work for him. It’s important to remember that preschool is a time of rapid cognitive, physical, and emotional growth. Growing up his hard work.
When feelings become overwhelming for Riley or Liam they will say, “I’m just feeling small today Mommy”. This is my cue that they need extra cuddles, stories, and time on my lap. It’s a big world out there for a preschooler, it’s ok to feel small and regress a bit at times. In fact, allowing your child to feel small shows him that all feelings are ok and that you are there to help him manage those feelings.
Below are some tips to help you help your child regulate his emotions:
1. Stay calm: Believe me, I know how frustrating it can be when you’re trying to get everyone out the door on time and one melts down because his shoes aren’t right. Staying calm during stressful moments shows your child that you can help him through this moment, and that the problem isn’t too big to be fixed. Preschoolers are literal thinkers and fond of saying things like, “it’s ruined” or “it’s all wrong”. It’s up to you to take a few deep breaths and help problem solve in the moment. In doing this, you are modeling coping strategies for your kids.
2. Validate: Sometimes a stubbed toe is very painful, and sometimes it’s just emotionally overwhelming because it wasn’t what was expected. Validating both the physical pain and the emotional reaction helps your child understand that it’s ok to feel that way. Mastery of emotional regulation doesn’t really happen until the late teens (although ask parents of some teens and they might say they’re still waiting on that one). Right now, kids just need to know that a stubbed toe is an upsetting event and that you understand the feeling. Many kids will turn it around and get right back down to business after having their feelings validated.
3. Label: When your mom is a psychotherapist, you learn to verbalize your feelings early (like it or not). But for most preschoolers, finding the words to describe their feelings is a difficult task. People often say to young kids, “use your words”. The problem is that they only have so many words to use. Use feelings words throughout the day. Use happy, sad, angry, frustrated, worried, overwhelmed, etc. Use them to label your child’s feelings, and use them to label your own. Sometimes parents shy away from using big words, like “overwhelmed”, for fear that children won’t understand them. With a simple explanation, my 2 ½ year old knows to say, “I feel overwhelmed” when his feelings are too big for him to handle. It won’t make the crying any less intense right now, but it will help your child understand what he’s going through.
4. Food & quiet time: Emotionally intense kids tend to be more affected by hunger and exhaustion than kids who don’t react as strongly to emotional events. However, hunger and exhaustion are common triggers of tantrums as well. Provide a light snack and a calming activity (puzzles, drawing, and reading are always good) to help your relax in the moment. Explain to your child that sometimes our bodies just need extra food or a little rest to calm down. Riley is now able to identify reading on the couch as her calming activity, while Liam can be heard saying, “I’m just calming down with my puzzles” when he gets overwhelmed.
5. Cognitive restructuring: You don’t have to study up on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for this one. Replacing a negative thought with a positive one is the basic idea here. When Riley declares, “my picture is RUINED!” I often reply, “do you think we can fix it with tape?” Most of the time, providing a positive alternative helps (“we can fix it!”). Sometimes it’s tape, other times it’s starting fresh. Either way, teaching your child to replace a negative thought with a positive one is great life skill. It teaches her that solutions exist, and that your first reaction is not always the best reaction.
6. Self-talk: As kids, we used to laugh when we would overhear our mom talking to herself. It seemed really funny at the time. It was years later that I realized she was really just using another CBT technique (although she didn’t know it), “self-talk”. Self-talk enables a child to stay calm and talk his way through a difficult or upsetting situation. For example, my kids struggle when Sean leaves for work because they know they won’t see him until the next morning. They also fear that every departure means another long tour. We’ve given Liam the following script: “When daddy leaves for work in his car it means that he comes home at night. I will play with daddy in the morning”. Being 2 ½, he tends to say it 47 times a day. The point it, the tears have lessened because he can talk his way through it.
7. Draw it out: Your preschooler doesn’t have to master the art of drawing people to use art as a coping skill. Consider asking your child to draw her feelings when she gets overwhelmed (“can you draw me a picture of how you’re feeling?”). Then ask her to describe it. Drawing tends to be a very calming activity so just the act of drawing a picture will help your child regulate her emotions a bit. You might find that she’s better able to verbalize her feelings after she has a chance to calm down and draw, or you might be left with some very angry scribbles that don’t really require an explanation!
8. Movement: Sometimes a little calming movement can help children regulate their emotions. Rocking, taking a walk, and stretching (have you tried Playful Planet Yoga yet?) can help children relax their bodies so that they are better able to cope with their emotions. We recently bought rocking chairs for our balcony. The kids love them! They sit out there rocking away, watching the birds and the butterflies. I didn’t buy them as coping strategy, but I certainly recommend them!
9. Avoid over-stimulation: Overly emotional kids tend to get over-stimulated quickly. Try to keep parties and big outings short, and always plan on some quiet time. They need frequent breaks to regroup.
Emotional intensity is just that: Kids who have strong reactions to emotional events. Be there for them, teach them some strategies, and help them learn to verbalize those feelings.
How do you help your child cope with emotions?