US President Barack Obama has declared the common cold a national emergency. The President signed the Taking Ourselves 2 Seriously proclamation at a jousting tournament in Washington DC last Friday, wearing a crown and surrounded by knights and servants and a couple of elephants, and the proclamation increases the ability of Americans to have panic attacks about nothing at all.
Last week US officials said that common cold activity was widespread in 52 states, and that no deaths had so far been linked to it, but that thousands of weak and infirm people who were already dying were linked to it to make Barack Obama seem like an important person.
The aim of the TO2S directive is to remind Americans that their country is still living in the 1700s, obsessed with race and paranoid about anyone that doesn't agree with them, and scared of everything including their own shadows, and of colds.
'The mighty cold rises within many communities', the President boldly announced, like a Witchfynder General at a witch's trial, 'and so let us use long proactively pretentious words to show the world - well, Americans - how important I - I mean we - are. When I wrote the Bible, I -'
Hospitals across the USA were stocking up on supplies of Presidential bullshit in face of the emergency, and one hospital manager, Hitlof Adolterskiov-O'Moran, said: 'At this rate doctors will be appearing on US news and being hailed as heroes for saving people that caught the common cold. Ha ha ha, the cold is like 'flu, it's a virus and there is no cure for any virus, DUH!'
'Still, I suppose President Obama acting like a 'war President' impresses people here - well, his wife maybe. OK, not her, maybe the people who elected him. No? OK. I'm beginning to think George W. Bush was better than Obama, at least things were happening then.'
A radio play by Orson Welles called 'The War Against The Common Cold' was due to be broadcast later this week in America, but had to be cancelled in case millions of adult Americans ran out into the streets panicking and screaming, and believing everything they hear in their own ridiculous media.
George Washington was a citizen of the United Kingdom.