Zen and the Art of Going to the LavatoryJanuary 13, 2008
“How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you, the basis of an entire culture.”
Von Richthoven (Adrian Edmondson), Blackadder Goes Forth, 1989
Simple, insignificant things become complicated at tough schools. You are constantly supervising dozens of students who have no social or moral restraint when it comes to causing harm to others or thwarting the purposes of the school. Something as insignificant as allowing a student out of the classroom to go to the toilet becomes a potential threat to learning which has to be evaluated, dealt with and, more often than not, justified.
There are several reasons why teachers can’t just let students answer the call of nature:
- There is often a problem of internal truancy. Students who should be in lessons stay in the corridors. Sometimes they play games or attempt to intimidate passers-by. Every so often they disrupt lessons by running in to classrooms or reaching in and switching off the lights. Often they write graffiti or look for things to break. Any student allowed out of lessons risks swelling their ranks.
- There are students who will ask to go to the loo every single lesson. This is not an exaggeration. At my school students have to ask at an office for a key to let them into the toilets. One of the women working in the office reported seeing the same girl five times during the average school day. (And no the girl didn’t have a medical complaint other than a severe allergy to school work).
- There are classes where up to half the students will ask to go to the loo. In some year groups asking to go to the toilet when they are presented with hard work has become an automatic response. Once one child has asked the many others will also ask. Sometimes many will have notes from their parents claiming a medical condition.
- There is an ongoing problem of toilets being vandalised. I mentioned before that school toilets are unpleasant. Much of this is down to vandalism or actions that have been taken to prevent vandalism (like removing all soap or paper towels).
For these reasons most schools advise teachers to refuse to let students out except in emergencies or where they have a medical note. Sure enough, most requests can be refused without a problem, as the child never really needed to go. However, there are always going to be children have a genuine need who may be at risk of “an accident” or who will be unable to work unless they do go. Inevitably teachers end up with a set of rules and regulations of their own invention to govern who does or doesn’t go which they explain to their class. (By “teachers” I mean people who are actually trying to teach. There are people employed as teachers who will often let large groups of students out of their lessons for half an hour or more without really caring). My rules are as follows:
- Students will wait until a part of the lesson of my choice. Partly this is so they don’t miss important explanations, but also students often lose interest in going after a few minutes.
- Each student will only get out once in every half-term. This really cuts down traffic. Many students are embarrassed to ask or fear the corridor dwellers and so it is often just a small proportion of students who will ask without first seeing anybody else let out, so after the first couple of weeks you hardly have to let anybody out.
- Only one student is allowed out of the room at a time for any reason. This is common sense but ignored surprisingly often. I make sure to apply it even if the student already out of the room is outside for another reason (like they walked out in a tantrum).
- If there is a medical reason I expect to see a letter signed by the child’s form tutor and if it occurs more than once then I will report it to the child’s year head. Amazingly some medical complaints vanish when faced with this obstacle.
- The child must have been working properly before they leave. It is telling that this sometimes works as a good incentive to get students learning.
- Students are never allowed out in the first or last ten minutes of the lesson. This is when the largest number of students will be out and about in the corridor and when they are most likely to disrupt other lessons.
Now this is just an example of how teachers have to plan in order to function as teachers. Equally complex concerns and routines affect every aspect of classroom life from lending equipment to setting homework. This kind of intellectual development should be advertised as a reason to go into teaching. No wonder the Teacher Development Agency has adopted the slogan: “Use your head, teach”. Of course, the possibility exists that years of having to treat a trip to the loo like it was a potential crime against humanity has not made me use my head but has actually made me lose my mind. Perhaps the next time Jade asks if she can go to the toilet ten minutes after the end of break then I will use my head as something to bang on the wall until I pass out.