Dear Dr. Alasko: I've been married for over 10 years and I'm mystified about how my husband communicates. Typically he'll explain something in a sentence or two, leaving out all the details. Then he gets upset when I try to understand what really happened and why. He accuses me of wanting to talk things to death. But I'm just trying to understand his way of thinking. Can you shed some light on this irritating issue?
Dear Reader: The briefest answer to your question is found in the soft science of neuro-social-biology. That is, the history of how our species evolved.
Homo sapiens developed specific gender roles that supported the strengths of the other. Speaking broadly, a male's body is designed for hunting and defending the tribe. A female's body is designed for bearing and nurturing children to adulthood. Male communication focuses on quickly sharing vital information. Female communication tends to be more complex because its purpose is to nurture and promote closeness. The combination of these attributes has created a powerful and successful species.
Now that we're intensely civilized (and we live beyond the historical life expectancy of 40) the separation of these roles no longer apply. However, our basic biology has not changed.
Even today, however, when boys play together, they often mimic these gender roles. And so do girls. Boys ridicule other boys who say or do things that are "stupid." Personal status within a group is critical, so it's a lot safer to not say a lot. Being humiliated, losing face, is the greatest fear.
When you combine the male's focus on problem solving with a communication structure that favors blunt speech and punishes excess, you have a relationship problem.
These deep structural factors play a role in why your husband holds his thoughts inside and doesn't willingly express them out loud.
However, your husband also made the decision to get married. Intrinsic to his decision is a lifelong commitment to being a loving husband. He can't say, "I yam what I yam" and that's the end of it.
The indispensable first step is for both of you to be respectful of each other's evolutionary history and communication style. A respectful attitude would help lessen your frustration when he resists talking. He may never be able to be as verbal as you want him to be, and making peace with his "style" will help lessen the tension.
Many successful couples work out a humorous interpretation of each other's foibles. Adding humor to the mix can be a life saver, but it has to be humor based on respect, not ridicule or sarcasm.
Indeed, if sarcasm has crept into your comments about your husband's communication style, you just about guarantee that he'll withdraw even further. Perhaps worse, resentments will build and he'll find a way to get even.
Finally, I suggest that you reinforce his attempts to chat or provide verbal details with a compliment. A little praise goes a long way toward strengthening your connection. I have more to say on this subject — next week.