2 stars (out of 4)
Strange that they would add an a "s" to the title of this mediocre big-snake thriller, a sequel to 1997's "Anaconda," because it feels like there's even less care and attention lavished on the snakes this time around.
The original "Anaconda" was an Amazonian body count in which Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Eric Stoltz, Owen Wilson, Kari Wuhrer and a villainous, laughably-accented Jon Voight found themselves hunted by a big, shrieking snake as they cruised through the jungle on a documentary mission.
It was straight forward, campy stuff--Wilson had the memorable line: "Is it just me or does the jungle make you really, really horny?"--but the killings moved along at a brisk, creative pace and it was grounded by sweaty, tank-topped Lopez's admirable commitment to the shenanigans.
"Anacondas," on the other hand, boasts a much less familiar (and, perhaps, success-bound) cast of characters who seem to spend more time bickering with each other and slogging around than they do actually contending with the titular snakes. It's not that relationship dynamics aren't vital to building a good thriller. It's just that the more petty everyone gets, the more you find yourself rooting for their long, slimy opponents.
Our crew of eight doomed adventurers consists of entrepreneurs and researchers navigating the rivers of Borneo to find the blood orchid.
The tropical flower is apparently "the pharmaceutical equivalent to the fountain of youth," but it only blooms once every seven years, so handsome entrepreneurs Gordon Mitchell (Morris Chestnut) and Jack Byron (Matthew Marsden), along with fetching, naive researchers Gail Stern (Salli Richardson-Whitfield) and Samantha Rogers (KaDee Strickland) board a rusty vessel to bring the flower back to America, where it will be the scientific breakthrough that makes them rich and famous. Ha.
The boat--christened the Bloody Mary--is helmed by gorgeously grizzled, muscular vet Bill Johnson (Johnny Messner). Messner is the charismatic linchpin of the movie; he's eye-candy, he's heroic and he displays outright contempt for his passengers--so we relate to him the most. Also on board, as your standard eccentric geek, is gawky, Cole Burris (Eugene Byrd), who provides "comic relief" by saying stuff like, "What? Are you crazy????" a lot. Ice Cube served the same purpose, but did it all with a drawl.
For whatever reason, the snakes don't seem to have the same personal beef with the humans as they did the first time around. (Perhaps their migration to Borneo--where the film is set--has disoriented the South American species.) Instead, they seem like just another obstacle among many (paralytic spider, waterfall, gator, adorable pet monkey) that our very "Survivor"-like group must overcome on their journey.
In fact, the popularity of the reality-show "Survivor" seems to be the best explanation as to why we're getting a second helping of this khaki-clad, jungle endurance test. (At one point, someone even makes a joke about voting some one off the island.)
Despite the fact that I checked my watch during the screening, it's not that bad: the greenery looks beautiful, the waterfall sequence is well-done and there's a hint of flirtation between Messner and Strickland.
To be fair, it's little better or worse than the original. But, to be honest, the original--minus its nascent stars--wasn't very good.
"Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid"
Directed by Dwight H. Little; written by John Clafin, Daniel Zelman, Michael Miner, Ed Neumeier; photographed by Stephen F. Windon; production designed by Bryce Perrin; edited by Marcus D'Arcy and Marc Warner; music by Nerida Tyson-Chew; produced by Verna Harrah. A Screen Gems release; opens Friday. Running time: 1:33. MPAA rating: PG-13 (action violence, scary images and some language).
Bill Johnson - Johnny Messner
Samantha Rogers - KaDee Strickland
Dr. Jack Byron - Matthew Marsden
Gordon Mitchell - Morris Chestnut
Cole Burris - Eugene Byrd
Gail Stern - Salli Richardson-Whitfield