The wave of suicides among adolescents and young adults who have been mercilessly bullied on the Internet is a national tragedy.
The roots of bullying begin much earlier — at age 4 and 5, when children become aware of their differences and comment on them openly as they work to understand them.
At this age, children are learning about right and wrong, good and bad. They’re bound to feel that everything must go into one category or another.
Differences can call up a child’s insecurity — the basis for taunts and teasing. the fifth year, a child learns she can use words to hurt: “Your skin’s dark. You’re fat.” The other child senses the scorn in the first child’s voice and winces. The teaser feels powerful. Underneath, she may be frightened of the power of teasing and of her own aggression.
Gender is one of the first differences that children recognize. Boys tease girls. Girls tease boys. Each teases his own gender for seeming like the other. Underneath the teasing is a question: “Is it OK for me to be the way I am? And to like her as she is?”
Skin color is another difference. If it weren’t for adult prejudices, children would be unlikely to see different skin colors, facial features or hair textures in positive and negative terms. Children learn racism from the adults around them.
It’s not useful to pretend that we’re all the same. We’re not, and 4- and 5-year-olds realize this. Can they understand that we can be equal even though we’re different?
Rather than telling children what to think, encourage them to think carefully about their assumptions: “OK. So her eyes are different from yours. His skin is different from yours. What do you think that means?” Give your child a chance to ponder the question. Then, you might ask, “How can you tell if someone is a friend? what they look like? how they act? what’s on the outside, or what’s on the inside?”
HELP FOR THE BULLIED AND THE TEASED
Safety comes first. Parents will need to find out whether the bullied or teased child is in danger. They may have to escort him to school and be more of a presence in places where the bullying occurs, such as the playground. They can also discuss the situation with teachers and other parents.
Although more adult supervision can help, if it conveys the impression that the victimized child is receiving special treatment, it may backfire and lead to more teasing when adults aren’t around. More adult protection than necessary can also leave the victimized child feeling even more helpless and vulnerable. Teasing and bullying are more effectively addressed when the rules are spelled out and consistently enforced for all the children.
The victimized child will need help to learn to protect himself. Parents can share the child’s feelings with him: “It feels awful when someone is so mean.” Talk it out with him. Remind him of his strengths. Offer him other ways of looking at himself and his tormentors so that he doesn’t have to take the teasing to heart. He can be helped to see that he has power over whether he lets these taunts get under his skin.
As my mother used to say, “When other kids tease you, just picture them without their clothes on. But don’t tell them it’s your secret weapon!”
A child who is bullied may find it helpful to take a self-defense class so he can project an air of self-confidence. Such classes are available for children as young as 3.
The victims of bullying and teasing will need help in learning to value and feel proud of their differences so they can’t be used as weapons against them. Parents can help by accepting them as they are and valuing their differences as strengths.
If a child continues to be victimized, over and over, he may need a fresh start in a new, more protected peer group. Children who consistently flounder in social situations may have a more serious disorder that interferes with understanding body language and other important but subtle aspects of communication. Your pediatrician can refer you to a child psychiatrist, psychologist, and/or a speech and language pathologist.
HELP FOR THE BULLIES AND TEASERS
A bully is an insecure, unhappy child. Peers shun him. He may attack when he feels threatened by signs of vulnerability in another child that remind him of his own. He may use intimidation to keep others from threatening him.
Often an aggressive child has been the victim of aggression. Has he been made to feel small and weak by an older sibling or peer? Is he vaguely aware of his own immaturity — perhaps in the area of language or social skills — and does he compensate by teasing his peers?
Bullies and teasers can be helped to feel certain enough of their own competence so they are less threatened by other children’s displays of weakness. They can also learn to face their own vulnerability as a sign of strength and a source of pride.
If their bullying persists, damaging their relationships, they, too, may need help from a child mental health specialist.
(This article is adapted from “Mastering Anger and Aggression: The Brazelton Way,” by Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow, published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.)
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 620 Eighth Ave., 5th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10018. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: