Domestic abuse survivor Jennifer Chaudoir outside the Golden House in Green Bay. / Lukas Keapproth/Press-Gazette Media
What to say
How to start a conversation about healthy relationships .
• Ask your child if they know the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy relationship.
• Explain that in a healthy relationship they should never feel pressured, unsafe or harmed in any way. That harm doesn’t have to be physical. It could be verbal, emotional or in other ways.
• Explain to your child that it’s unhealthy and could be abusive if a dating partner ever makes them feel pressured to do things they don’t want to do, controls who they spend time with, or how they act.
• Make it clear that your child can talk to you if they ever feel like something in their relationship is unhealthy or abusive and that you are there to help.
For a complete guide on starting a conversation with your teen, visit itstimetotalkday.org.
Join the conversation this month
Visit myvoicecountsgb.org for more information and resources on dating abuse.
Follow us on Twitter and instagram @myvoicecountsgb.
If you or someone you know is an abusive relationship, please call the Golden House 24-hour hotline at (920) 432-4244.
Golden House is most often seen as a shelter for victims of abuse, but our program is much more than a safe building. This month, we are bringing attention to domestic violence prevention which starts with our youth and their understanding of relationships.
Unhealthy relationships can start early and last a lifetime. According to the January 2013 issue of Pediatrics, those abused in high school were more apt to be abused in college as well.
Dating abuse prevention is the key to creating a generation free of violence. During Dating Violence Awareness Month this February, start this conversation with your teen. Join others on February 4 for It’s Time to Talk Day.
Dating abuse is a pattern of controlling behaviors used to exert power and control over the other partner. An abuser may use different ways to isolate, demean, and destroy the victim’s self-esteem. These include physical abuse like hitting, slapping, shoving, pushing, kicking, and using a weapon. Sexual abuse is when the abuser takes away the victim’s choice to participate in a sexual activity. Examples include forcing a partner to go further than they want, to have sex, to not use protection, and rape. Verbal and emotional abuse are most commonly used to criticize and make the victim lose confidence. Behaviors such as name calling, insulting, yelling, threatening, and intimidation are nonphysical but leave emotional scarring. An abuser may also use guilt trips or the silent treatment to reinforce their demands.
Digital abuse is a new but growing form of aggression. It is the use of technology to intimidate, harass, or threaten a victim. This includes checking phone logs and contact lists, monitoring texts and social media sites like Facebook, demanding passwords, excessive texting or calling, and sexting (the sharing of nude or semi-nude photographs).
An abuser may use one or all of these to control their victim and it will escalate over time.
The Need to Talk
For many of us, warning bells ring in our heads when we face such behaviors in relationships, but for young people, who have less experience, this is not the case. Many teens have never had a conversation about healthy versus unhealthy relationships at home, in school, or among their peers. They also don’t see them in the media.
The American Psychological Association found in a 2013 survey of individuals between the ages of 14 and 20 that 41 percent of girls and 37 percent of boys were victims of dating abuse. Of this same group, 35 percent of girls and 29 percent of boys stated that they had committed dating violence.
Most alarming, 24 percent of all those surveyed reported being both on the receiving and offending ends of dating abuse in either the same or different relationships. This means that discussing healthy relationships is more important than we thought; young people are recognizing unhealthy relationships but don’t know what the healthy alternative looks like.
Start the Conversation
Talking with your teen can be simple. Encourage an open discussion by asking them a question like: “What do you think a healthy relationship looks and feels like?” or “Who do you think has a (un)healthy relationship?”
Most importantly, remember:
• Be supportive and nonjudgmental.
• Avoid analyzing, interrupting, lecturing, or accusing.
• Keep it low key. Don’t push to talk if they aren’t ready. Wait for another time.
• Assure them that they can come to you or a trusted adult if they are in a relationship that makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Remind them that dating should be fun and that abuse is never acceptable.
— Stacy Lewis is prevention outreach coordinator for Golden House.