Seven steps to a happy marriage
BY Katherine Chatfield freelance
Want to know how to keep your marriage off the rocks? Here are seven steps, scientifically determined to help out any relationship.
The secret to a happy marriage? Four hugs a day, two cosy nights in a week and cleaning the house three times a month, according to a study in the UK.
The study of 4000 couples shows 98 per cent of partners who regularly partake in these activities rate themselves as "very happy," with 94 per cent believing their relationship is stronger than that of other couples. The study shows couples that stick together follow these figures.
Cuddles: four times a day
"Full-body hugs are proven to stimulate endorphins that help you bond with the person you're hugging," explains psychologist Sally-Anne McCormack. "Plus, sharing a hug allows your partner to enter your personal space. This demonstrates a feeling of connection and intimacy." But don't get carried away, she warns. "Hugs shouldn't always lead to sex. They should be purely for connection and helping you relax. It's important to show physical affection without being sexual."
Do it by: Taking it slowly. "Some people find physical affection difficult when it's been missing from the relationship for a long time," says educational psychologist Dr Ludwig Lowenstein, who backed up the UK study. "Start by sitting next to each other on the sofa. Next time, hold hands. Then try hugging. The more you do it, the more natural it feels. It's possible to train the brain to learn this sort of behaviour so it becomes a habit."
Proper conversation: once or twice a week
Keeping lines of communication open in a long-term relationship is essential, says McCormack: "When you've been with your partner for years, it's easy to assume you know everything about them. But people's ambitions and opinions change. If you don't make time to talk, it's easy to drift apart. Regularly discussing what's new in each other's lives helps keep you connected and aware of how each other is feeling."
Do it by: "Make a rule where you have at least two minutes of uninterrupted eye contact with your partner every day," says McCormack. "During this time, talk and listen to each other without being distracted. Two minutes is the minimum - the longer the better!"
Cosy nights in: twice a week
"It's important to learn to simply enjoy each other's company without being entertained by anything else," Dr Lowenstein says. "Being comfortable with each other provides a safety net in the relationship ... each partner knows they can rely on the other. This is a nurturing and effective way of maintaining a happy relationship."
Do it by: Enjoying the silence. "You don't always have to talk. Sometimes just sitting together can create a feeling of closeness," Dr Lowenstein says.
Dates: once a fortnight
"Regular dates are crucial in helping couples bond," says relationships expert Dr Janet Hall. "Injecting novelty into a relationship boosts serotonin. This is the same chemical that floods your brain when you first fall in love. New experiences activate the brain's reward system, meaning you associate those good feelings with your partner."
Do it by: Being creative. Bringing excitement to your relationship isn't about splashing the cash. "Long-married couples who try unfamiliar activities such as bike-riding or dancing together report greater increase in marital satisfaction than those who do familiar activities such as going out for dinner," says Dr Hall. "The key is doing something you both enjoy."
Romantic gestures: three times a month
Romantic gestures benefit both partners and build confidence in a relationship," says Chris Dawson, director at Humaneed relationship counsellors. "The person receiving the gesture feels good because their partner has considered them. The person giving the gesture feels good because they're making the person they love happy."
But it's important to recognise the differences between men and women when it comes to romance. "Men often consider practical things romantic," says Dawson. "If he's changing your tyre or taking out the bin, he's doing something to help you. These things might seem trivial, but they allow you to feel solid in your relationship. And what's more romantic than that?"
Do it by: Learning to appreciate romance doesn't have to mean grand gestures. "The smallest things often mean the most," Dawson says. "Running someone a bath, or doing something that will make your partner's life easier shows you care."
Cleaning the house: three times a month
"This is about respect for each other," Dawson says. "Showing your partner you want to live somewhere nice together means you value the health and happiness of your relationship. It proves you're making an effort."
Do it by: Taking it in turns. "This is only beneficial to the relationship if one person doesn't feel they're doing all the work," Dr Lowenstein says. "If you help each other out, it shows you both value the relationship equally."
Separate nights out: once a month
"It's important to maintain your own identity in a relationship," McCormack says. "Spending time apart gives you a support system other than your partner. It also gives you something to talk about. Going out separately occasionally can prevent you taking each other for granted."
Do it by: Presenting it to your partner in a positive way. "Say, 'I love coming home to you after a night out,'" suggests McCormack. "This makes spending time apart a non-threatening issue."