DOES more sex make for a happier relationship? Here we look at whether quality triumphs quantity.
The chances are that if you’re having sex regularly, you’ll be pretty pleased with your relationship. If you’re getting more nooky than the people around you – or you think you are – you’ll be even happier. A new study has found we don’t just want to keep up with the Joneses and have a bigger house, a faster car, or a better body. We want to be more successful in the bedroom, too.
Tim Wadsworth, an associate professor of sociology who led the University of Colorado Boulder research, says: "There’s an overall increase in sense of wellbeing that comes with engaging in sex more frequently, but there’s also this relative aspect to it. Having more sex makes us happy – but thinking that we’re having more sex than other people makes us even happier.”
Couples’ happiness with their sex life rises or falls depending on how they believe they measure up to their peers, Mr Wadsworth says. He studied 15,386 people surveyed about sexual frequency. Couples who had sex once a week were 44 per cent more likely to report a higher level of happiness than people who hadn’t had sex in the previous year. Couples who had sex two or three times a week were 55 per cent more likely to say they were happy.
But despite frequency, the happiness levels fell by 14 per cent when couples believed they were having sex less than their peers. Wadsworth says this is about seeing “sex as a sense of accomplishment”.
"Just as income can provide both purchasing power as well as a sense of pride or self-worth, sex may lead to happiness not just through physical pleasure or emotional connection but because it can reinforce people’s sense that they’re living well, that they’re doing something right," he says.
"It becomes an aspect of one’s identity that can be compared with the people around them. When the result of the comparison is positive, it increases happiness; when it’s negative it decreases it."
But Mr Wadsworth adds that comparing is often problematic. "We’re usually not looking down and therefore thinking of ourselves as better off; we’re usually looking up and therefore feeling insufficient and inadequate," he says.
Sex educator and founder of adult shop Bliss For Women, Maureen Matthews, says it’s "quality, not quantity" that counts.
"People put themselves under pressure and it’s a mistake to associate frequency of sex with success. The sex life you find satisfying is a happy sex life for you. Seeing sex as a competitive sport isn’t helpful," she explains. Ms Matthews believes that focusing on sex and whether you’re having more than your friends can spell problems when events disrupt your sex life.
"Having a baby, your body changing and ill health can impact on sex," she says. "And a relationship can go into rocky waters if the happiness of that relationship is defined by sex." Kylie Dunjey, senior manager and counsellor with Relationships Australia, says knowing how often friends have sex is fraught with problems because people are likely to exaggerate or downplay sexual activity.
"People often don’t tell you the facts," she explains, "so how valid are comparisons?" But Ms Dunjey says if sex is affecting relationship quality, it’s important for a couple to talk and work out a compromise. "The starting point is asking, 'Is it good enough?' What’s going on in everyone else’s bedroom counts for little. Is your sex life good enough for you? What matters is that you’re both happy with sexual frequency."
Tips for couples
Maintaining goodwill can help couples if they’d like to be more intimate more often.
"Goodwill can get you over the bridge," Ms Dunjey says. "That’s about sometimes thinking, I know that what satisfies me isn’t enough for you, so I’ll engage in more physical intimacy out of love, not grudgingly."
Discussing your feelings about sex with a partner can lift levels of happiness and satisfaction. "You can discover what things mean to the other person. So your partner might explain that when you roll over and say you’re not in the mood, they feel rejected and unloved," Ms Dunjey says. "Talk about these things and you can avoid feelings of hostility, rejection or pressure around sex."
Ms Matthews agrees that it’s important for a couple to talk about the sex life they’d like and to see where they overlap.
"If you identify you’d both like more sex, then think about date nights and how you can put some effort into making time for each other," she explains. "Identify what you’d both find satisfying and how you could reinvigorate that side of life. And remember that most couples let their sex life drop down the list of priorities when they’re busy.
Reconnecting can simply be holding hands and having a meal together. It’s about maintaining goodwill and connection in whatever way keeps you both feeling fulfilled."
Dunjey’s final piece of advice is: Stop analysing what your friends are doing in the bedroom. "Instead of looking outward and comparing, turn towards each other and you’ll find the answers."
3 ways to freshen up your relationship - by Mark Brook
1. Take a trip together: All relationships grow a bit predictable in time. Inject some fresh air into the relationship by taking a weekend trip away, or even a quick motel rendezvous.
2. Change negative habits: Stop criticising each other’s bad behaviours. Try to show appreciation for all the good things you both do.
3. Make a date: Organise a weekly "date night" for you as a couple. Keep it exciting and fresh. And make sure all digital devices are switched off. By Mark Brook