Eleven people have been rescued alive after becoming trapped in a Yorkshire Dales hellhole during bad weather.
Eight teenagers aged 15 from St. Sodom's School of Latter Day Pederasts in Burnley, Lancashire, were left stranded along with three teachers after becoming lost during sudden rainstorm.
Trekking along in near-zero visibility, they wandered into what they thought was the cave entrance to a pothole known as the Long Churn Pot for shelter.
Unbeknown to them Jade Goody had been out hiking and taken shelter from the storm in the same cave then decided to have a quick play with herself to pass the time until the weather cleared.
"I wus just lyin' there on me sleepin' bag, legs akimbo like an' diddlin' me clit', then I sorta dozes off an' wakes up with this pullin' at me pissflaps an' it feels like I've got a monster jackrabbit stuck up me twat," Ms. Goody told reporters.
Not realising they had squeezed and wriggled blindly into one of the most enormous cunts on Earth, the group quickly grasped the fact they might be trapped and switched on their emergency location transponder beacon.
Yorkshire police picked up the beacon's signal and immediately initiated a helicopter search and rescue operation, tracking down the signal's source to Long Churn Pot, where they realised the hikers had become trapped up Ms. Goody's gargantuan vagina.
Summoning a team of Leeds-based potholers, with celebrity gynaecologist Dr. Muff to lead them, police initiated a rescue operation lasting several hours which resulted in the trapped hikers being liberated shortly before nightfall.
The eleven hikers were treated for hypothermia at Leeds Infirmary, with all receiving massive doses of antibiotics and tetanus jabs to counter the myriad of possible infections and diseases they may have contracted while trapped in Ms. Goody's snatch.
One boy who was overcome by noxious fumes and transferred to the intense care unit was later allowed home.
St. Sodom's School teacher Angus McFudger, leader of the trapped hiking team, told the media "It was absolute hell in there. I thought we were in a cave with all the stalactites hanging down and slime everywhere. The stink was horrible, but on reflection now we know why it smelled like a fishmonger's gutting block."
Following the rescue operation Ms. Goody was advised by both North Yorkshire police and her gynaecologist to have a barred gate or steel grating fitted over the entrance of her vagina while out hiking to prevent similar incidents from occurring in the future.
Rumours that a flock of sheep and two horses which went missing during the same storm might have suffered a similar fate as the school expedition have been dismissed as "unfounded utter rubbish" by Ms. Goody's publicist.
"Jade went for a full internal examination after her return from Yorkshire and had a vaginal douche performed by the local fire brigade this morning.
"There was nothing else inside, apart from what remained of her pet poodle that disappeared one night last week."