Anti-Cocaine Vaccine 'Wonderfully Moreish'
A NEW vaccine designed to treat cocaine addiction also produces a pleasant, drifty feeling that you could very easily get used to, it emerged last night.
The experimental serum, known as EH-5361 or 'Diamond Sunbeam', was declared a success after clinical trials on a broad cross-section of media workers and estate agents with unmanageable gak habits.
Former addict Julian Cook, a public relations executive from Finsbury Park, said: "For a vaccine it does make you feel remarkably warm and cosy, like the whole world's a big snuggly womb. You just want to curl up in a ball and contemplate your knees.
"And although I'm definitely cured, I'd be willing to volunteer for another similar trial, just to make sure. Extremely willing. Actually, I'm finding it virtually impossible to think about anything else."
He added: "Then again, clinical trials involve lots of paperwork. I tell you what, why don't I just buy some? I've got money. Or, if it would speed things along, I could suck you off."
Dr Stephen Malley, who helped develop the treatment, said: "I keep accidentally pricking myself with big dripping syringes of the stuff and have experienced no ill effects whatsoever. In fact, I feel like a god damn superman.
"I am having like 60 ideas a second and every single one of them is the answer to absolutely everything. I'm going to win a FUCKING NOBEL PRIZE."
He added: "Now I'm so very cold and my eyes feel like giant marbles. In the name of shit, someone vaccinate me."