Why She Criticizes You
The reason men tend to go into withdrawal mode is that their cardiovascular systems are much more reactive to stress compared to women’s...
Women express themselves differentlyWhile the extent to which biology and socialization respectively influence how men and women express themselves has yet to be determined, research has demonstrated that women tend to produce more emotion-oriented messages than men. One study, for example, found that, when asked to write a story about love, men’s narratives were 50% shorter than women’s (Barbara, 2008). As well, evidence suggests that men are more likely to favor a problem-focused approach in response to a stressful situation, whereas women will focus on emotional support.
In your relationship, these differing styles of expression explain why, when you take out the trash as a symbolic gesture of your feelings for your partner, she won’t necessarily understand the loving intentions behind this act. Also, when your significant other is telling you about her stressful day, though your inclination is to help her find a solution to her difficulty, she’s actually seeking supportive words rather than concrete help. These gender differences mean that you may find that your partner frequently accuses you of being insufficiently loving because she’s expecting you to be more emotionally attuned and expressive.
To set her straight in terms of how you feel about her, try expressing positive feelings toward your partner more often, but don’t forget to let her know that when you do something for her, like change the tires on her car, it’s another way of saying you care.
It takes men longer to cool offWhen you’re in the midst of a disagreement with your partner and you’re starting to feel angry, chances are you might end up shutting down and withdrawing emotionally. That’s because when humans are overwhelmed by negative emotions, their bodies give them two options: fight (criticize) or flight (withdraw). The reason men tend to go into withdrawal mode is that their cardiovascular systems are much more reactive to stress compared to women’s, making the experience of strong negative emotions extremely uncomfortable.
In order to avoid that sensation, men shut down. Unfortunately, rather than making the problem go away, when you tune out in response to your partner’s criticism, she feels like she’s not being heard, which makes her criticize you even more and you then shut down further — in short, a vicious cycle ensues that can have a major impact on the quality of your relationship. In fact, in one study, physiological measures, such as heart rate and blood pressure, explained 60% of the variation in how satisfied couples felt in their relationships (Levenson & Gottman, 1983). To break free of this negative cycle, the next time you’re having an argument with your other half and things are getting too heated for you, say something like: “I feel too angry right now to continue this conversation and I need to take a 40-minute break.” Being specific about your feelings and your need for a (long) time-out lets her know where you stand and she’ll likely be receptive to your statement because she won’t feel ignored.
Read on for more tips on why she criticizes you...