In a sensational move, an anonymous high street retailer has broken ranks and confessed that clothes labels, as many consumers had suspected, are manufactured from a fabric that is 97.5% barbed wire. For years customers have complained they have to cut the labels out of their clothes to wear them in any comfort, now we know the reason why.
At a secret location and wearing a ski mask, a visibly upset spokesperson admitted, ‘We just wanted to give the world a label that was slightly more robust. Instead, when we invented Razorfabric, we created a monster.
‘Haven’t you ever wondered why your clothes get washed-up and threadbare quite quickly, while that tiny square of malice stays needle-sharp for years, macheting its way into your skin? You might say, why don’t we stop using the labels? – which in the trade we call ‘flabels’, because of the flaying effect they have on the body – but we can’t; they are literally indestructible.
‘We tried dumping affected garments on the Third World, collecting them in a network of waste repositories disguised as charity clothing banks, but the UN intervened on humanitarian grounds. So all we can do is endlessly recycle the flabels, subjecting countless future generations to unimaginable levels of scratchiness. Oh the humanity!’
The press conference ended abruptly at this point, with the distraught retailer pleading for a pair of scissors to cut the label out of his ski mask, ‘before it drives me bonkers.’