New evidence revealed today indicates that aerobic exercise can drastically shorten your life span. It claims that making your heart beat faster means that use you use up your life's quota of heartbeats quicker.
Top cardiologist, Robert Idle, explained, "It's obvious when you think about it. Take an average person with a pulse of 72 beats per minute and assume that person will live for 70 years. In total, that person's heart will beat approximately 2.6 billion times.
"If you indulge in an aerobic exercise that increases your pulse rate, you're using up valuable heart beats and shortening your life. For example, if you exercise for 40 minutes with your pulse rate increased by 50%, you're actually using up one hour of your life in 40 minutes."
Health clubs, no doubt fearing the loss of many members, claim that the statistics are absurd. "Next thing, they'll be saying that eating fatty food is good for you," said one club manager.
According to Mr Idle, it is. "Again, it's obvious," he said. "Fatty food clogs your arteries, which means that less blood can pass through them. Since the heart has to push less blood round it doesn't have to work as hard and can afford to slow down. So you actually live longer on a diet of greasy burgers and chips."
Mothers of obese, lazy teenagers will no doubt be delighted by the findings, as will the nation's many couch potatoes.