A Play in One Act
Jeff and The Duchess meet a friend for dinner. They arrive early at the restaurant and sit at the bar.
JEFF: A whiskey, please.
THE DUCHESS: And chips! And guacamole! And a bottle of wine!
The BARTENDER pours Jeff a whiskey roughly the size of the ocean. Imagine a bottle of Scotch, poured entirely into a tumbler the size of Jeff’s fist, and you have some small, meager idea of how deep this pour was. In the history of heavy-handed bartenders pouring deep drinks for you, this one ranks as possibly the deepest pour ever known to man. If Dylan Thomas had drinks this deep poured for him he would have died after three, maybe four.
JEFF: <sizing up drink> Yes, that seems about right.
BARTENDER: Another, hon?
JEFF: YES PLEASE.
BARTENDER (the true hero of this play) proceeds to pour another entire bottle and perhaps a bit of a second bottle into the tumbler. JEFF’s eyes grow wide and his whole body begins to tremble.
JEFF: <whispering> As it was prophesized …
<TIME PASSES. JEFF and THE DUCHESS meet their friend and are seated at dinner. JEFF finishes his second whiskey and begins to work on the bottle of wine>
THE DUCHESS: What do you think?
<JEFF smiles beatifically at her. One eye is apparently focused just over her shoulder>
THE DUCHESS: We were discussing politics, and you need to tell your friend here that he’s wrong.
JEFF: Bizzurp. Fonda! MINGUS!
THE DUCHESS: Oh, dear.
JEFF: <standing up and tearing off trousers with one motion> MIIIIINNNGUUSSSSS!
The lesson here, my friends, is that you’re never too old to be a jackass. Also: The Drink is good. But the Drink is Chaotic Neutral.