Dear Dr. Alasko: My husband and I have a longtime friend named "Ben." A year ago Ben had an affair, left his wife and moved in with the new woman. Now he's getting divorced. Ben keeps inviting us to dinner with him and his "fiancée." While we don't want to cut him off completely, we certainly don't want to socialize with his new relationship. How should we handle this?
Dear Reader: Ah, the swirling drama of relationships and ethics.
Your first step is to clarify exactly why you don't want to socialize with Ben and his "fiancée" so he knows why you're refusing.
Let's examine this issue more closely. Even though most weddings include a vow that commits two people to a lifelong connection and sexual fidelity, we also recognize that love and commitment changes. So we allow for separation and divorce.
But if a husband (in this case) has sex outside the marriage, he violates his vows. That's why we call it cheating. But there's no civil penalty for this unethical behavior. The major consequences might be when an angry spouse hires a nasty attorney.
We leave it up to the individual to decide how rigorously he or she will respect their vows and commitments.
But an individual's behaviors never happen in a vacuum. Friends and coworkers notice and react. Sometimes society enforces the code of ethics. For instance, if Mary shows up at a party with a boyfriend, leaving her husband at home, many of Mary's friends would not be very accepting.
Are they being moralistic? Not really. Our society takes the idea of trust and respect very seriously. When a person violates their vows to their spouse of partner, we lose respect for that person because we don't like cheaters. And all human relationships are based on levels of respect. You cannot really be friends with someone you don't esteem.
If you completely lose respect for someone, even being in the same room is difficult. In business, if you don't trust someone's word, you won't be able to do business with that person.
So, in essence, you have lost respect for Ben because he had a sexual relationship with someone other than his wife, which violated his vows. He cheated. And you cannot respect a cheat.
What Ben needed to do was move out of his home and establish a separate domicile before he began his new relationship. But that would have required courage. He would have been forced to deal directly with his wife and make a solid decision. Rather than act responsibly and ethically, he allowed the chemical excitement of "love" to dictate his behaviors. Confronted by his ex, he was forced to move out. Now he can blame "love" and passion for his ethical lapse.
Does Ben deserve a chance to redeem himself? Of course he does. We all do. Telling Ben directly how you feel will clarify your attitude. Then his ongoing behavior toward his ex and his family will determine your level of respect, and whether the friendship can be rebuilt.