How To Make The Teacher Hate You
by Gina Valley
Wondering how you can make an impression on your child’s teacher this year?
Encourage your child to change his name every day.
Be sure to point out repeatedly that your child has received high marks from every one of her previous teachers. Also, be sure to mention that several knowledgeable people have suggested that your child could probably just skip this year’s grade, as she is so gifted.
Pack something leaky in your child’s lunch every day, preferably a sugary substance to maximize ant and roach attraction potential.
Make cookies or candy for your child’s teacher, and include a note mentioning how she “looks like someone who really likes dessert.”
Insist your child wear a new, expensive designer coat to school. Make sure you don’t label it with his name. Then, insist his teacher locate the coat when your child comes home without it and can only remember he had it on somewhere near the basketball courts. Harass the teacher daily about this expensive wardrobe loss. Weeks later when you find the coat jammed behind your child’s headboard, don’t mention it to his teacher. You don’t want to embarrass your child.
Send a note daily explaining how it’s the teacher’s fault that your child was unable to complete his homework assignment. Again.
Make surprise, live animal donations to the classroom, such as snakes, tarantulas, and macaws. The kids will love them and the jungle atmosphere it creates, along with the care and feeding of these critters, is sure to help your child’s teacher relax.
Point out every single tiny insignificant grading error that is not in your child’s favor. Your child’s teacher will appreciate your efforts to help him raise his skill level.
Send in permanent markers with your child. Insist that she is too talented and mature to be using those infantile, washable-type art supplies.
When your child uses the permanent markers to set up a face tattoo business at recess, her teacher will undoubtedly appreciate her initiative and will gladly explain to the other parents how vital your child’s entrepreneurship is to everyone’s growth and development.
Don’t bother your child’s teacher with concerns about happenings or polices in his/her classroom. Rather, take these directly to the school principal or even the district superintendent.
Be sure to let your child’s teacher know right away that your child is perfect, and that, if he is acting up, it’s just because he isn’t being challenged by her teaching methods. It’s extra helpful if you bring in brochures for seminars your child’s teacher can attend to learn the proper way to teach a child gifted such as yours is.
Order a margarita machine for the classroom Christmas party.
(This is a new one to me. Credit to Abe @Cheeseboy22 who is a great 1st grade teacher and a very funny guy) Have your child panic when he loses his tooth at school and can’t locate it. Only after his teacher has searched for the AWOL bony appendage for a minimum of 45 minutes should your child check in his own mouth and realize that he hadn’t lost the tooth at all.
Show up at the end of the school day, as your child’s teacher is helping all of the children to get ready to go home, and explain to him that you will need all of the class lessons and homework for the following two weeks immediately, as you and your family are flying off to Aruba and have to be at the airport in less than an hour.
While you are on the trip, don’t have your child complete any of the assignments, and be sure to lose at least one of the textbooks and to get water damage on the others.
Make it a memorable year!
Remember, No Teacher Left Behind!
Laugh Out Loud!
What else should I add to this list? Shoot me a comment – I’m looking forward to hearing all about it.