If you are unlucky enough to find yourself with a baby, there are a few things you have to do.
1. throw it off a cliff if it is sickly, weak, or really ugly (all babies are really ugly - take the hint).
2. If it somehow survives step one, then it is worthy to survive for at least another day (We'll see if it can manage to keep itself alive any longer than that. If you help, you're only spoiling it) and it has to be named. If it doesn't have a name and you just say "I had to shake the baby" nobody would know which baby you were talking about. If you're like me you shake lots of babies, so it is important to specify.
The name must be awesome so that if it is strong enough to survive it reflects well on you and your rearing techniques. Here is a list of highly appropriate names:
Fetus, son of ______(your name)
There. Now you don't have to buy a book.
- Double E