Jokes Submitted By Visitors
Page Created June 20th 2004
Q: What do you call you and me in the forest?
Q: How do you kill a blonde??
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Submitted on: 12/7/2004
at: 8:30 pm(CST)
by: Jason J of Moorhead, MN
Q: You know what they say about men with big feet?
A1: Big socks
A2: Big shoes
Q: You know what they say about gay men in bed?
A: Happy sleepers
Submitted on: 12/17/2004
at: 11:04 pm (CST)
by: Anonymous Jokester
Q: What do you do with a one legged lawyer?
A: Laugh and reload.
This one guy walks into a bar, sets an octopus on the counter and said,
"I bet you that this octopus can play any instrument you give him."
"You're on!" and the bartender pulls out a trumpet.
Sure enough, the octopus picks it up and plays a snazzy tune. The bartender thought, and he gave the octopus a french horn. The octopus plays an amazing tune on it, and the bartender,
worried that he would be out a lot of money thought even harder,
and he brought out some bag pipes. The octopus picked it up, set it down, got on it,
got off of it, and continued to do so, but not playing it "AHA,
he can't play the bag pipes, I win"
"I'm not worried, as soon as he learns it's not another octopus, he'll play it"
Submitted on: 1/19/2005
at: 9:38 pm (CST)
Yo Momma Jokes
Yo momma so poor...
Her face is on the front of a food stamp.
That your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.
When I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.
She waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.
Burglars break into yo momma's home and leave money.
When I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.
The building society repossessed her cardboard box.
She watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers
She can't even afford to go to the free clinic.
When I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked yo momma what she was doing....
'Moving' she replied.
I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.
When I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'
I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."
I visited yo momma's house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed -
"Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"
I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said
"Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."
Only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...
When I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered -
"Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."
She hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.
Closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...
She had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.
Even Beggars give you money.
She bounces food stamps.
She can't even afford to pay attention.
She uses cardboard and ribena as bread and wine substitutes.
She uses chewing gum as a band aid.
She lives in a 2-story Cracker Jack box.
She uses white-out as a tooth filler.
She can't afford a mop - she stands on her head in order to mop the floor...
Her idea of Desert was to go outside and collect the
'yellow snow'...and yo loved it, didn't ya!
Yo momma so short she can hang glides Doritos.
Yo momma's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy.
Yo momma is like a toilet; fat, white, and smells like shit.
Yo momma's so short, she can sit on a dime and swing her legs.
Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Yo momma's so short, she does back flips under the bed.
Yo Mama so old...
She left her purse on Noah's Ark.
Jurassic Park brought back the memories...
When she ran the 100 meter dash, they timed yo mama with a sundial.
She still owes Moses a dollar.
When she was at school...there was No history class!
She uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea
She's got the first autographed Koran.
She co-wrote the 4th Commandment.
When I asked for Her ID yo mama handed me a rock
She even made Yoda jealous.
She recalls When the Grand Canyon was a ditch.
The fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
When She gave birth, You came out with Dentures.
She sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
Her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.
Her birthday expired.
When Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo mama fishing on the other side!
She got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
Her social security number is 000-000-001
She's got Adam and Eve's autograph
She starting to fart out Mummy dust
Her zip code is 00001.
She used to baby sit Yoda
She uses chewing gum as a band aid.
She used to cut Betty Rubble's hair
She used to gang bang with the Flintstones
She was once a waitress at the last supper
Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park
She was the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate
She uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.
She was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls
When God said 'let there be light', yo mama was the one flicking on the light switch.
She baby-sat for Pythagorus
She used to get sermon tips from Zeus.
She offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple
They call her Captain Caveman
She's more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show
She the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.
Mel Gibson hired yo mama to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace
She got told to act Her own age...and she died.
She farts out dust.
Her birth certificate says "Expired" on it.
She used to baby-sit Pascal
She invented the term 'oldest profession in the world'
She's in Jesus's yearbook!
She sat behind Yoda in the third grade.
Your momma so fat...
When she hauls butt she has to make two trips.
When she dances she makes the band skip.
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease,
the doctor gave your momma 13 years to live.
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Her butt has its own congressman.
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw your momma peanuts.
Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
"Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of your momma's butt cheeks.
All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy:
240 Patrons OR Your Momma"
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
When I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
She could sell shade.
When she crosses the street, cars look out for yo momma.
People jog around her for exercise.
I ran around her twice and got lost.
She gets runs in her jeans.
Her blood type is Ragu.
When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
She can't even jump to a conclusion.
She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
She can't even fit in the chat room.
She put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
She has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.
Why did the jelly fish's leave him ?
He stung her into action.
What did the executioner say to his girlfriend ? Only thirty chopping days to Christmas !
First man: My girlfriend eats like a bird.
Second man: You mean you hardly eats a thing ?
First man: No, she eats slugs and worms.
Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance ?
Man: It did for a while - then it fell off.
Doctor, Doctor, my girlfriend thinks she's a duck.
You'd better bring her in to see me straight away.
I can't do that, she's already flown south for the winter.
Two cannibals were having lunch.
'Your girlfriend makes a great soup,' said one to the other.
'Yes!' agreed the first. 'But, U'm going to miss her terribly.'
A man who forgets his girlfriend's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.
Freddie had persuaded Amanda to marry him, and was formally asking her father for his permission.
'Sir,' he said, 'I would like to have your daughter for my wife.'
'Why can't she get one of her own ?' asked Amanda's father
Do you think, Professor that my girlfriend should take up the piano as a career ?
No, I think she should put down the lid as a favour.
Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three or four weeks' time?
My girlfriend has a slight impediment in her speech. Every so often, she has to stop to breathe.
First cannibal: My girlfriends a tough old bird.
Second cannibal: You should have left her in the oven for another half an hour.
'What's your new perfume called ?' a young man asked his girlfriend.
'High Heaven,' she replied. 'I asked what it was called, not what it smell to !
James: I call my girlfriend Peach.
John: Because she's beautiful.
James: No, because she's got a heart of stone.
A monster walked into a store selling dress fabrics and said, 'I'd like six yards of pink satin for my girlfriend.' 'It's satin, sir, not Satan,' said the clerk. 'Satan is something that looks like the devil.' 'Oh,' said the monster, ' you know my girlfriend ?'
When Wally Witherspoon proposed to his girlfriend she said, 'I love the simple things in life, Wally, but I don't want one of them for a husband.'
I got a gold watch for my girlfriend. I wish I could make a trade like that!
'It's a pity you've gone on hunger strike,' said the convict's girlfriend on visiting day. 'Why ?' 'I've put a file in your cake.'
My girlfriend says that if I don't give up golf she'll leave me. Say, that's tough, old man. Yeah, I'm going to miss her.
My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself.
What did the Wizard say to his witch girlfriend ? Hello gore-juice.
What did the zombie's friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend ? Good grief ! where did you dig her up from
What does a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend ? It's a dead letter day.
Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said, 'I took my girlfriend to see
'The bride of Dracula' last night.' 'Oh yeah,' said the other, ' what was she like ?'
'Well she was about six foot six,
white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs.' The other said,
'Yes, but what was 'The Bride of Dracula' like ?'
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend ?
I love every bone in your body
Why did the vampire's girlfriend break up with him ?
Because he had such a powerful crush on her.
When my girlfriend goes out riding, she looks like part of the horse.
When she dismounts, she still looks like part of the horse.
Flash Harry gave his girlfriend a mink stole for her birthday.
Well, it may not have been mink, but it's fairly certain it was stole.
One day Tony's girlfriend wrote to him to say their friendship was off
and could she have her photograph back ? Tony sent her a pile of pictures of
different girls with the message: I can't remember what you look like.
Could you please take out your photo and return the rest?
My girlfriend talks so much that when she goes on vacation,
she has to spread suntan lotion on her tongue.
My girlfriend thinks I'm a great wit. Well, she's half right.
Simon: My girlfriend and I fell out last night. She wanted to go and watch ice-skating,
but I wanted to go the football match.
Peter: What was the ice-skating like ?
What did the undertaker say to his girlfriend ?
Em-balmy about you.
I can't understand why people say my girlfriend's legs look like matchsticks.
They do look like sticks - but they certainly don't match.
Ben's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand
to get a better grip.
Every time I take my girlfriend out for a meal she eats her head off.
She looks better that way.
Anne: Ugh ! The water in my glass is cloudy .
Dan, trying to impress his new girlfriend: It's all right,
it's just the glass that hasn't been washed.
My girlfriend is a beautiful redhead - no hair, just a redhead!
Blonde In Disguise
A blonde wanted to buy a TV, so she went into the store.
She found one she wanted, and asked the shop assistant what the price was.
"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes," his reply was. The blonde walked out,
and got her hair colored into red. Next day, she walked in,
and asked the shop assistant how much her chosen TV was.
"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes," his reply was again.
She was confused. So, again, she walked out. She got her hair colored into black.
Next day, she walked in, and asked how much was her chosen TV.
"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes!" his reply was again.
Now the blonde was really confused. "How did you know I was a blonde?" asked the girl.
"Well, because what you've got there lady, is a microwave. "
A Blonde In Real Life
This is a true incident, and I thought you might enjoy it.
While my wife and I were on our way out to dinner with another couple,
my buddy's girlfriend, a blond, decided to tell us a blond joke.
It went something like this:
The Blond: You guys want to hear a blond joke?
The Blond: If you have two blonds and a brunette, what is the brunette doing?
The Blond: No, she's translating!
(at this point I almost crashed the car
'cause my eyes were filled with tears from laughing so hard.)
The boyfriend, trying to help, is attempting to explain why the three of us are dying.
Her next words:
The Blond: But they're not the same thing! One is when there are different languages.
Fortunately, we reached the restaurant then,
because I was unable to drive much farther before hitting something :)
The Blonde Painter
One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon.
She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods.
She rings the door bell and sais, "HI, is there anything I could do for you,
or your house???" The man thinks and says, "Sure, you can paint my porch.
You will find all the stuff in the garage."
The girl says, "OK, how much will you pay me?"
The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"
She quickly agrees and gets straight to work.
The wife who had heard the conversation inside says,
"50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"
25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, "OK I’m done.
Can I have my money now?" surprised, the man replies, "OK Let me get the money"
he comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, "By the way, it's a Ferrari,
not a Porch!"
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said
"Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says
"Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Have Another Drink
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde go into a bar. The brunette says to the barkeep,
"I'd like a BL." The bartender replies, "What's a BL?"
The brunette answers in a snotty voice, "A Bud Light. DUH!"
So, the bartender dutifully serves up a Bud Light. Then, the redhead says,
"I'd like an ML." The bartender asks, "What's an ML?" The redhead answers,
as if to a slow child, "Miller Lite. DUH!"
After serving the redhead, the bartender, now wary and on alert, turns to the blonde.
She says, "I'd like a fifteen, please." The bartender thinks and then says,
"Okay, I understand that a BL is a Bud Light and an ML is a Miller Lite.
But, I can't figure out what a fifteen is."The blonde rolls her eyes,
tosses her hair and answers, "A Seven and Seven. DUH!"
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes
with a coat hanger:
Blonde #1: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
Blonde #2: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder,
its starting to rain and the top is down!"
There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work.
The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.
The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops."
As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Are they close?"
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."
The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
Row Your Boat
There's a blonde in a rowboat in the middle of a field,
just rowing and rowing her heart out. Another blonde comes down the road,
looks into the field, and stares at the first blonde.
"What do you think you're doing?!" she asks.
"I'm rowing, and I'd better hurry up! I'm going to be late!" says the first girl.
The second girl gets mad. "What?! You know,
it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name! And if I could swim,
I'd come out there and slap you silly!"
They Are Getting Smarter
A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blonde jokes she was constantly hearing.
She decided that she would learn all the state capitals in an effort to defend blondes
everywhere. She went home and spent the entire evening learning them all.
The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she immediately retorted,
"Hey ... I bet I know something that ALL of you don't know.
I know ALL of the state capitals which proves that not all blondes are dumb."
The people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her co-workers finally asked,
"Ok ... what's the capital of Texas?"
To which she smugly replied, "T."
No, Over There
There were two blondes driving to Disney land in Los Angeles.
They were looking for signs that would lead them there. One of them finally saw a sign.
It said "DisneyLand, left .... so they turned around and went back home
Blonde One Liners and Riddles
How do you hit a blonde and she will never know it....with a thought!
How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots.
Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday.
What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor.
Why don't blondes make kool-aid...they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted.
Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...it stands for Toes Go In First.
How many blondes does it take to change a tire .... 5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.
How do you give a blonde a brain transplant .... blow in her ear.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common .... they're both empty from the neck up.
What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear .... thanks for the refill.
What's the mating call of a brunette .... Is that darn blonde gone yet?
Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink .... that's where you wash vegetables.
How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle .... shine a light in her ear.
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in handicapped zones.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you .... pull the pin and throw it back.
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall .... to see what was on the other side.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb .... 6 - 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb .... two .... one to hold the diet Pepsi and one to call daaaady.
The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went .... it finally dawned on her.
Brunette to the blonde .... Awww, look at the dead birdie .... the blonde stopped, looks up and says, "where"?
How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer .... there is "white-out" all over the screen.
How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer .... there's writing on the "white-out".
Why do blondes wear ear muffs? .... to avoid the draft.
What did the blonde visiting O.J. think this was .... spilled finger nail polish.
What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears .... trying to hold on to a thought.
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? .... because it said "concentrate".
Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet .... she thought it was diet "coke".
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering .... the noise gave her a headache.
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips .... from trying to blow out light bulbs.
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar .... she heard that the drinks were on the house.
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs .... they don't know the route.
Why does blondes have elevator jobs .... they like going up and down.
Why do blondes work seven days a week .... so you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work .... she opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it
How did the blonde die drinking milk.......the cow sat down
Why don't blondes make chocolate chip cookies .... it takes to long to get the shells off the M & M's
Why can't the blonde keep a job at the M & M factory .... she keeps throwing away the W's
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts .... change
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies .... 10 .... one to mix the dough and nine to sort out the W's
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies .... 3 .... one to make batter and two to peel the M & Ms.
How can you tell if a blonde has baked chocolate cookies .... there are M & M hulls all over the floor
How can you tell if a blonde is going to back chocolate cookies .... she is throwing out all of the W's
What is written at the bottom of a blonde's fishing pond .... bring your own fish
Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool .... no smoking
what does a blond do when someone says its chili outside .... she grabs a bowl
what do you call a blonde with one brain cell .... gifted
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells .... pregnant
What is a blond with brunette died hair .... artificial intelligence
Why did the blond stare at the orange juice .... it said concentrate
Why Can't Blondes get "mad Cow Disease .... you can't get it twice y
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes .... knock on the door
What stops then goes, stops then goes .... A blonde at a blinking red light
What do you call two blondes in the freezer .... frosted flakes
Pepsi came out with a new can just for blondes .... It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.
Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears .... they're refueling
Why do blondes comb their bangs strait up .... They don't want anything going over their head
Why did the blondes one brain cell die .... it was alone
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios .... Hey, Look!! A bunch of doughnut seeds
What do you call a smart blond .... Labrador
How many blonde jokes are there? .... none, they're all true
Why don't blonds ever become pharmacists .... It's too hard to fit the bottle in the typewriter
Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio .... she didn't want one for nights
Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet .... she was last years hide and seek winner
Why are there blonde jokes .... to make brunettes jealous
Why doesn't a blonde make Kool-Aid .... couldn't get 8 glasses of water in the little packet
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in the handicapped zone
What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under water .... a blonde trying to put it out
What do you call a blonde with a brand new P.C. .... a dumb terminal
How do you call a blond .... you don't .... you whistle
What does a blond say when she see's a banana skin on the side walk .... am going to fall again
I'm a blonde and still like blonde jokes .... must have been written by a true blonde
Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand .... so brunettes can understand them
How did the blond burn her ear .... the phone rang while she was ironing
What's a blond between 2 brunette .... a mental block
Why do blondes wear their hair up .... to catch anything that goes over their heads
Why does a blonde smile when there is lightening .... she thinks she is getting her picture taken
There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but they could not get in .... the sign said, "must be 18 to enter"
How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb .... only one .... she holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her
What do you call 3 blondes that walk into a building .... beats me .... you would think one of them would have seen it
How do you drown a blonde .... glue a penny to the bottom of a pool
Why are there no brunette jokes .... because blondes would have to think them up
How does a blonde make instant pudding .... places the box in the microwave, and looks for the "instant pudding setting
How do you confuse a blonde, put three shovels against the wall and tell her .... to take her "PICK"
How do you drive a blonde crazy .... put her in a round room and tell her to stand in the corner
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead .... trying to make up her mind
What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes .... interpreter
What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box .... a case of empties
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink .... that is where you clean all vegetables
Why did it take the blonde 7 days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago .... she kept seeing signs that read .... stop clean bath room
A blonde went to the doctor's office with burnt feet, "how did you do it" asked the doctor .... "cooking soup .... the instructions said, open can .... and stand in boiling water for 7 minutes.”
Why can't a blonde make ice cubes .... Don't know the recipe
How do you get rid of blondes .... form a circle, give each a gun and tell them they are a firing squad
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow .... to get chocolate milk.
Dumb Things You Shouldn't Do While Driving
When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.
When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.
When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.
If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.
Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.
When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.
Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.
Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.
You always have the right of way.
Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.
Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.
Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.
Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living crap out of them.
If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.
Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
When waiting in line at a drive-through bank, wait until you are at the window before filling out the forms.
Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:
"Don't like my driving? Dial (800) EAT SHIT"
"I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk"
"If you can read this, you're too close"
"Watch my ass, not hers"
"I'd rather be skiing"
"I brake for no apparent reason"
"I drive this way just to piss you off"
Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times.
Never use your ashtray. Flick cigarettes out the window when you are done with them.
Throw soda cans and food wrappers out the window when driving on highways.
Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB.
If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light.
If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.
Save time, read your newspaper and have breakfast while driving to work.
When at a gas station, don't pull up to the first available pump. This way people will have to wait until you are done before they get serviced. You should also pay with a credit card.
If you approach a bicyclist on the same side of the road, pass him by leaving only a half inch between him and your side-view mirror.
Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving.
Adjust your car seat so that the drivers behind you only see the top of your head and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel.
If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly.
If you own a yellow construction vehicle, drive it on major roads during rush hour traffic.
Make sure that you drive all types of slow or wide vehicles during peak traffic hours.
When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.
If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.
On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.
If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.
If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible.
When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.
Steer you car toward any small animals or rodents running through the street. Then, yell to everyone else in the car "Hey, did you feel that little bump? I just ran over a bunny rabbit!"
If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look.
If you get lost in a residential neighborhood and need to turn around, find a newly paved or sealed driveway to do so.
When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.
When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs.
Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.
The more expensive of a car you drive, the more you have the right of way.
If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic.
Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child.
When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song such as "Shave and a haircut" is appropriate.
When pulling into a gas station, drive back and forth over the black cable to repeatedly make the "ding" sounds.
Keep your ski racks on all year round so that you look like a police car in other car's rear-view mirrors.
If you are a part-time volunteer at a local fire department and have one of those blue "ooh-look-at-me-I'm-important" flashing lights on your car, use it whenever you go shopping or to a restaurant.
Use your driving time as an opportunity to have an intimate encounter with your significant other.
When parking in a residential neighborhood, always park in the street blocking someone else's driveway.
When parking on a residential street without curbs, always make sure that you park partially on someone's lawn.
Always change the radio station, tape, or CD while you are in the middle of changing lanes.
If you are a driving school instructor, make as many appointments as possible during peak traffic times. Then inform your students to drive real slow and not to worry about the "crazy morons" on the road.
After filling your tank and paying at a busy gas station, leave your car in front of the pumps while you use the restroom and shop for a snack.
Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel.
While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place.
If another driver does something stupid to tick you off, get out of your car at the next red light and scream at him through his window to get out and have his ass kicked.
Drive until you are 130 years old, with no eye sight, hearing, reflexes, wit, or pulse.
Drive with a pen and ATM envelope in your hand and write down everything a moron driver does.
When running into a local 24 hour convenience store, leave your 1 year old infant in the car alone with the ignition running.
When passing a bicyclist, do not under any circumstance cross the center line, even if you are driving down a straight road with no oncoming vehicles in sight.
Keep the driver seat as far back as possible so that you can barely reach the pedals.
When approaching a bicyclist or parked car in your lane, swerve carelessly into oncoming traffic to go around it.
Save money. Don't bother with insurance.
If you legally posses a gun and your state permits unconcealed carrying, drive with it on your dashboard so that anyone you cut off will have second thoughts about "flipping you the bird."
If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures.
After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.
When driving home with a pizza, drive with it on your lap.
If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm.
If you are over 6'6" tall, weigh more than 250 pounds, and have no problems kicking anyone's butt, adjust your seat height and back so that only your head shows over the steering wheel and drive like a Moron. Then when other drivers challenge you to a fight because they think that you're a shrimp, get out and beat them to a pulp.
Never adjust your mirrors so that you can see anything. Or adjust them so that you can see your hair.
When leaving a fast food drive-thru restaurant, drive into traffic by steering with your knee, as you balance a large Coke between your legs and unwrap your hamburger to squeeze ketchup onto it.
If you get pulled over by a law enforcement officer, try to talk your way out of the ticket. Even if you drive a "souped-up" red sports car with no muffler or seat belts, illegally tinted windows, bumper stickers that say "Legalize Marijuana" and a vanity license plate that says "F E L O N".
If you are bored and looking for something interesting to do on a summer night, try CAR BOWLING. To do this, you drive through a residential neighborhood on garbage night. Hold a bowling ball out the car window and drive as fast as you can.
Then slam on the brakes and let the ball go.
If you are driving a loaded dump truck, never cover the top. Then drive as fast as possible to cause a storm of debris to fly toward traffic behind you.
There are NO motor vehicle laws that are applicable to cops. If you are an officer of the law, feel free to speed and make illegal U-turns. If traffic is exceptionally heavy and you want to make an an illegal turn, flash your red lights and go for it.
When traveling with a pet in the back seat, turn around every 2 minutes and make sure little "Pookey" is okay. "How are you doing, Pookey? You like the car, Pookey? Who's my little Pookey? Good Pookey!!" Meanwhile, drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other reaching behind the seat petting "Pookey's" little ears.
When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING.
When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.
If you have an automobile newspaper route, don't pull over as you slow down to throw the papers out the window.
Always drive with your right arm behind the passenger seat.
Drive with your seat far back enough, that a dentist can fill cavities while you travel.
If you are supposed to wear glasses or contacts while driving, don't.
Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.
If someone leans on their horn to get your attention so they can curse at you for a moronic thing you just did, ignore them and don't make eye contact.
Drive with enough boxes and packages in your car so that they completely block the side and back windows.
If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because he is in some sort of an emergency rush, do NOT pull over to let him pass.
When coming home from work the evening before a holiday, always drive like a maniac to increase your chances of getting into an accident. If you do get into an accident, try to take as many other vehicles with you as possible to jam up traffic with people who want to get home early.
When driving around curves, always drive over the line and into the oncoming traffic lane.
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word ... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is the word abbreviation such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
. . . every morning is the dawn of a new error.
For people who like piece and quiet . . . a phone less cord!
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents moral decay!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
Be nice to your kids . . . they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Did you ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" . . . 'till you can find a rock!
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telekinetic individuals . . . you know where to apply.
Mechanic's slogan: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Department of Redundancy Department.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
1. Q: What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
2. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
3. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
4. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
5. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
6. Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A1: If your a lawyer, buy them the book “What to buy your friend that just graduated from Law School.”
A2: A lie detector.
A3: The book “How to lie, in 100 different languanges.”
7. Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?
8. Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.
9. Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1: Push a judge in.
A2: Take your foot off his head.
10. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Drive by in an ambulance.
11. Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1: Put the petal to the metal, h’ill sue you for all your worth.
A2: Stop, get out, and give him a hundred dollars.
12. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket?
A: The bucket.
13. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
14. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
16. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
17. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
18. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
20. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
22. Q. What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop charging you when you're dead.
23. Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
24. Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.
25. Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.
26. Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down their good.
27. Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just
29. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.
30. Hear about the blonde lawyer that was at the Thanksgiving dinner last June?
31. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
32. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
33. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
35. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
36. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
38. When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule, what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
39. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
40. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
A Group Of Four Very Close Friends
There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person.
"I'll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said the carpenter.
"I'll hot wire his mattress so that he'll feel immence heat while making love.'
"Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "But I am not going to tell you what I'm going to do.'
The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I'm going to kill the bastard who put novocaine in the vaseline."
Top 10 Lists
Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50
1. Sag! You're it!
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
6. Doc, doc, goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Musical recliners.
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
10. Hide and go pee!
Top 10 Reasons to Live in Saskatchewan
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
Bad Children's Books
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with their Clothes Off!
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
1,001 Ways To Sterilize Daddy
Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear Gets Caught in a Fur Trap and has to Chew His Own Leg Off to Escape
Substitutes for Penis Pumps -- A Boy's Key to Success
The Truck Driver And The Priest
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road. As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
At The Lab
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
How Much Is?
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
The Brain Store
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.
So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for cat brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
The Lawyer and the Bear
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
The Bronze Rat
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill. He panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist thoughtfully. "No, I was just wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
Good News and Bad News
Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
We Got A Lot
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opened the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others were quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
Lightbulbs and Lawyers
Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
Yellow Bellied Sidewinder: 2
Two-faced Tort Feasor: 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator: 4
Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only): 3
Big-mouthed Pub Gut: 2
Honest Attorney: EXTINCT
Back-stabbing Whiner: 2
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser: 2
Silver-tongued Drug Defender: $100 BOUNTY
Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian: 7
Lawyer, Doctor and the Clergyman
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.
My Daddy Is
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
The Lovely Lawyer
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.
Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?
Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2: Take your foot off his head.
A3: Excuse me, I don´t understand the point of the question.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Call 911 on your cell phone in front of him.
Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1: Back over him to make sure.
A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
Q: Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A: Deep down their good.
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.
Q: Why are lawyers great in bed?
A: They get so much practice screwing people.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.
Q: Why didn't the doctor (any other misc. profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.
One or Two Liners
Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? . . . He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Ben Dover And C. Howlett Fields Attorneys At Law
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator . . . It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman walking towards them.
The first lawyer says, "See that woman? Boy would I love to screw her."
The second lawyer says, "Out of what?"
Worth A Good Chuckle
For those who already have boys past this age, this is hilarious. For
those who have boys this age, this is not funny. For those who have boys nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The
following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Boys(honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq ft house
4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape.It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said,
"I think he said...'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
Life's Unanswered Questions
Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
Whats a question with no answer called?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?
If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?
Do stairs go up or down?
When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
Why are Pringles curved?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?
Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
Can bald men get lice??
How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
"How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?"
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to
eat a big one?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do
you call a girl that is named after her mother?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to
hit in case of an accident?
Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Can you cry under water?
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?
Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong?
If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?
If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put
them at the end of the bathrooms ?
Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
What did cured ham actually have?
If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
Can a blind man see his future?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
Can crop circles be square?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Why are there black lines on a basketball?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters?
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?
Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put
pasta into the water?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?
Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the
Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?
If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?
If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?
Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?
If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always
If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?
How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?
Can you fart and burp at the same time?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry?
If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical?
If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?
Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the
road...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides?
If you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers
around at a hardware store?
Is there anything easier done than said?
Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia?
Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?
If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?
Are you able to fart in heaven?
Why isn't sour cream really sour?
Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn’t care anyway?
Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Do ducks sneeze?
Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom?
Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?
Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of the afternoon?
Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?
If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?
Can vampires donate blood?
If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to?
If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor?
How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church?
If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
Why is there an L in NOEL?
If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk?
Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?
What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle?
Do fish ever get thirsty?
Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?
If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on?
Why don't ducks duck when you shoot at them?
On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one?
Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number??
Can angels eat devils food cake?
If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?
Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?
Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?
Is bad a bad word?
If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?
What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?
Why do they call front seat shotgun?
Why are all farms red?
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?
What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?
Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?
How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What do mermaids eat?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?
Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
If a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away?
Why are all farms red?
why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
Are there female leprechauns?
Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?
Do fish sleep?
Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
Can dogs have dog days?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
Do birds pee?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What does OK actually mean?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Do cows drink milk?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
What is a male ladybug called?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn't an exterminator be the opposite?
How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder?
If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
Why is a woman in a suit a "business person” but a man in a dress is a "transvestite"?
When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?
Was Dawson Named After The Creek or Was The Creek Named After Dawson?
Could a tanning bed kill a vampire? If not would they get a tan?
How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?
Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?
IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?
If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?
How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters?
If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?
Do Dutch people always split the bill?
Can you sleep forever without being in coma?
Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?
If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?
How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?
If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
How can you hear yourself think?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
why are turds pinched off at the end?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
What would you use to dilute water?
What should one call a male ladybird?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
Isn't hot water already hot?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What came first the chicken or the egg?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
What is a free gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
What is the speed of dark?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What's another word for synonym?
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Who invented accents?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling?
Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why aren't there bulletproof pants?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop?
Won't they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands?
What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
Why do guys wear underpants?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember
that they forgot?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
Do cows have calf muscles?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?