“Environmental Scientists” Find Common Ground with Creationists Regarding Humans and Dinosaurs
(AP) – It was as odd a gathering as it was unexpected. Several hundred scientists, representing over two-dozen of North America’s most respected universities and institutes, holding a weeklong seminar with “creationists” who reject evolution and modern theories about the age of the earth. And they had gathered not to debate, but to promote a common goal – to make it known that humans and dinosaurs did indeed exist together at the same time.
“I’m very proud to have been able to put this conference together,” Dr. Edward Schoenfeld, professor of environmental science at UCLA, told the AP. Dr. Schoenfeld is a leading voice in the fastest-growing sector of the scientific community – the Anthropogenicists. “Anthropogenicists understand that all things on earth are, and have always been, man-caused. Weather, climate, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, oceanic temperatures, red tides, species extinctions, and species-on-species violence. It’s all man-caused,” Dr. Schoenfeld explained. “Without humans, there would be nothing in this life but bliss. Animals would live together in peace, in perfect mild temperatures, with no threats beyond a natural death from old age.”
Dr. Schoenfeld’s organization, the Anthropogenic Scientific Scholars Educational Society, has been at the forefront of forcing governments to face the consequences of man-made global warming. “We’ve done amazing things. We’ve gotten governments to raise taxes, ban energy production, close factories, outlaw asthma inhalers, force people to use mercury-filled lightbulbs, and even install non-energy consuming traffic lights that can’t be seen when it snows. Every time a human is killed by one of those things, I think to myself, another small victory for Anthropogenicism,” said Dr. Andre Billaud, chair of the environmental sciences department at the University of Oregon. Dr. Billaud has been on the forefront of the recent attempts to ban and stigmatize cat ownership, on the grounds that it creates a climate of violence between cats and rodents.
“The anti-science know-nothings will claim that cats killing rodents and birds is ‘natural.’ That it is part of some koo-koo concept of a ‘natural order.’ Such ignorance!” Dr. Billaud proclaims. “It is, like everything else, human-caused. In Anthropogenicism, one finds the answers to all environmental issues.”
But why the new alliance with creationists?
“Anthropogenicists came to a realization at our last general assembly,” Dr. Jennifer Van Mears told the AP. “As scientists, we understand that dinosaurs existed. But as Anthropogenicists, we know as a fact that they could not have died out without humans causing it. Therefore, humans must have lived alongside dinosaurs. And killed them off.”
Dr. Schoenfeld concurs. “In a science like Anthropogenicism, you follow the true scientific method, which is to reach your conclusion first, and then mold the facts and evidence to fit it. If you are foolish enough to allow the evidence to lead, it might lead you anywhere. It could make people think you’re wrong. It could jeopardize grants, endowments, and government obsequiousness. And who wants that? So we follow the conclusion-first model.”
“If we accept that the earth was once crawling with dinosaurs, and they became extinct with no assistance from humans, our entire belief system might be called into question. So, naturally, we decided that humans indeed had to be alive when dinosaurs were. And then it seemed natural to team up with creationists,” said Dr. Mansfield Hogan, chair of President Obama’s newly-created Committee Representing Anthropogenicist Professors, a collective of educators who, in 2012 alone, were able to eliminate power facilities in over 1,200 rural American communities.
“We’re not 100% sure how humans made dinosaurs extinct,” Dr. Hogan continued, “but in all likelihood, it was due to domestic cat ownership.”
And what of the creationists? How do they feel about this new alliance?
“It’s about time those eggheads came around,” said R. Pratt Sperling of Calvary Pentecostal Church in Bethesda. But Sperling pointed out that the two groups are still far apart on several issues. “I was talking to one of the scientists about abortion, and he said that a fetus is a ‘parasite,’ completely dependent on its human host, and therefore it’s okay to abort it. And then I pointed out that the whole Anthropogenic thing is about how all life forms are totally dependent on humans, and must therefore be saved. And he was like, ‘I don’t get your point,’ and I said, well, you’re saying that a fetus should be killed because it’s dependent on humans, and a rat should be saved because it’s dependent on humans. If a rat is totally dependent on humans for life, then it’s a ‘parasite’ too, right? And then the guy collapsed and started writhing on the ground screaming. Being a Pentecostal, I immediately assumed he was speaking in tongues. But it turned out the cognitive dissonance had given the poor bastard a stroke.”