Given that I broadcast daily on BBC Radio Two, aka the Coffin-Dodgers Network, it's inevitable that the latest rumpus over pensions would engage the attention of my listeners. There was excitement when the pensions minister said that following the latest report, the Government would be taking the document around the country, speaking to the ordinary working man and getting his views. My listeners can hardly wait, as they have read the results of countless surveys, but never once been asked anything by anyone with a clipboard.
They're a little unsure how to respond to the minister's inquiry. Do they tell him that they will be happy with the same terms as an MP or public service employee, or should they hold out for free beer for all workers, with mixed bathing for the unemployed?
More confusion, schism and doubt over tax credits. To the Government's chagrin, people just aren't claiming them. "God knows," a correspondent cries, "I've tried." He made a claim and received a reply stating that he hadn't sent the information required (without any indication of what the information required was), therefore he would invoke a charge of £1,000, which he would have to pay unless he made immediate contact.
Luckily, a telephone number was provided. It had a pre-recorded message: "Please try later." So, how can he find out what information is required, if he can't get through? How does he pay, if he needs to? How does he avoid paying? Is there an Ombudsman in the house?
In the gathering gloom, a ray of light: another report (who funds them all?) has recommended that Synthetic Phonetics (not Synthetic Phonies, that's showbiz) be used to teach children how to read. That'll be teaching them to read by the sounds the letters make, then. Like c-a-t, Cat; or d-o-g, Dog? That wouldn't be the same way their grandparents were taught to read, all those years ago, would it? What next, the five-times table?