Sounds of gunfire were heard on Wimbledon Common this morning as chief womble Great Uncle Bulgaria unloaded a full clip from an AK47 into a passing group of American tourists.
“It’s a matter of survival,” said the tartan-clad children’s favourite from the safety of his underground lair. Speaking through a traffic cone between potshots, the fluffy puppet went on to explain that they were living in fear of execution following malicious reports of a TB outbreak.
The safety of the wombles is uncertain as SWAT teams prepare to gas the site. But their long term future is at least assured. The iconic stop-motion animation is to be ‘re-booted’ according to BBC commissioning editor Karen Lansbury. “New episodes are to include salvaged sawn-off shotguns, used condoms and a guest appearance by Jason Statham in a rare speaking role.”
The stand-off continues and Orinoco Womble is threatening to “Waste everyone,” in clear contravention of womble ethics which ordinarily shuns waste of any kind.
The last time an incident like this happened was in 2002, when Madame Cholet incorrectly self-diagnosed a bad case of thrush. On that occasion Bernard Cribbins reported the matter to DEFRA ‘just to be on the safe side’.