The next time your husband shuts down and walks away while you're talking about a difficult subject, you may want to resist the urge to chase after him and force him to open up. Contrary to often repeated advice that couples should always communicate and not let problems linger unresolved, new research suggests that NOT talking things through is the key to marriages. As reported by TIME, a study following long-married couples over the age of 60 showed that they avoided talking about conflict at a much higher rate than younger couples, preferring instead to just agree to disagree and get on with their lives.
The study, led by San Francisco State University psychologist Sarah Holley, followed 127 married couples over 13 years. One group consisted of couples ages 40 to 50 while the other were long-married couples ages 60 to 70. On three separate occasions within those 13 years, she videotaped the couples as they talked about an area of conflict. She found that both groups behaved much the same way initially during the difficult talks — one spouse would blame or pressure the other for some kind of change. How the two groups differ is how often the other spouse would then change or avoid the subject, or withdraw altogether by leaving the room or refusing to talk. She found that there was a dramatic increase in the incidence of avoidance and withdrawal, from both husbands and wives, amongst the long-married couples ages 60 to 70.
So instead of badgering her husband to keep talking about the problem, the older woman would just drop the issue and ask him what they should have for dinner and he would happily respond.
This pattern of avoidance and withdrawal didn't lower the couples' marital happiness. These older, long-married couples seem more willing to just focus on the positives rather than negatives and have learned what's worth actually fighting about. Not everyone is buying that not talking things through some of the time is actually beneficial though. As one marriage counselor pointed out, these couples could have just given up and lost interest a long time ago!
The study's findings actually aren't that surprising. By the time you're married that long and you're at that age, who has the energy to fight anymore?! Especially if many years were spent raising children, who have a tendency to just leave you drained. Plus the memory starts to fade which probably helps with the marital happiness!
Do you tend to force your partner to talk things through or do you just let things slide? Tell us in the comments below!
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