Natalie Portman. Photograph © Universal Pictures.Danny McBride, James Franco, and Natalie Portman combat the forces of evil in order to stop the Fuckening in this weekend’s new release Your Highness. What is the Fuckening? How many pedophile puppets are in Your Highness? How many principal cast members have permanently damaged their careers by appearing in Your Highness? As a service, we answer every question that you could possibly have about the film. Q: What is the Fuckening? A: A day on which the evil wizard Leezar (Justin Theroux) plans to lose his virginity with Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel), a would-be princess. Leezar kidnaps her during her wedding to Prince Fabious (James Franco).
Q: When does the Fuckening take place?
A: The Fuckening takes place only once every 100 years when the two moons of whatever planet Your Highness takes place on form an eclipse.
Q: Why does Leezar have to wait until the two moons eclipse to lose his virginity?
A: Because if he waits until the two moons eclipse, it will create a dragon that he will use to rule the land.
Q: So Belladonna is kidnapped from her wedding. Does Prince Fabious attempt to rescue her?
A: Yes, that’s pretty much the plot of the film. Fabious enlists the help of his slacker brother, Thadeous (Danny McBride), and Thadeous’s servant, Courtney (Rasmus Hardiker), along with a small team of knights, to rescue his almost bride. But first, he will need the Sword of Unicorn to defeat Leezar.
Q: What’s a sample joke used in Your Highness?
A: Fabious, unhappy with Thadeous’s[spelling and S] attitude, wishes Thadeous would “be gay” with him and his father. You see, Fabious is using the word “gay” as a term for happiness, but 12-year-old boys and most Tea Party members will snicker because . . .
Q: Yeah, I get it. Anyway, what’s the Sword of Unicorn?
A: It’s an indestructible sword made of unicorn bone, the only sword lethal to Leezar.
Q: Where is the Sword of Unicorn located?
A: They’re not sure. To find out, they have to visit a wise old puppet sorcerer who will give them a magic compass in exchange for a hand job. Something, apparently, Fabious has been doing for the puppet sorcerer since he was a little boy.
Q: From there, do they eventually find the sword?
A: Seriously, that’s your next question? Nothing at all about the pedophile puppet?
Q: Did the pedophile puppet enjoy his hand job?
A: You know what? Forget it; let’s go back to the sword question.
Q: Wait, isn’t Natalie Portman in this movie?
A: She is. Fabious, Thadeous, and Courtney are captured by a tribe of nude savages, who place the three in an arena with a masked stranger to do battle against a warrior and a five-headed hand dragon. The masked stranger turns out to be a woman warrior named Isabel (Portman), who is also on a quest to kill Leezar.
Q: What is a five-headed hand dragon?
A: The leader of the nude savages can stick his hand in a magical cauldron that results in a five-headed dragon that looks like a hand jettisoning out of the middle of the arena. The scene reminds me of a picture in a book that my parents made me read when I was six years old about the dangers of sniffing glue.
Q: Wait, why did your parents make you read a book about the dangers of sniffing glue?
A: I grew up in Missouri.
Q: What kind of glue did the creators of Your Highness sniff?
A: I’m going to guess Elmer’s, because if it were a stronger glue this movie might be consistently funnier.
Q: Are Fabious and Thadeous grateful for Isabel’s help?
A: To a point, but, for the most part, Isabel’s role for the rest of the film comes down to rejecting Thadeous’s attempts to sleep with her.
Q: Wait, what happened to the knights who were traveling with Fabious and Thadeous?
A: They turned out to be traitors, but, really, it doesn’t matter.
Q: How many Minotaurs with a fully erect penis chase after Natalie Portman in Your Highness?
Q: Is it true that Natalie Portman won best actress at the most recent Academy Awards?
Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how horrified is Natalie Portman’s agent that she is in Your Highness?
Q: Does Fabious ever find the Sword of Unicorn?
A: Well, on the way to recover the sword, Fabious . You know what? You’re asking a lot of specific plot questions considering that this is just a stoner movie that only exists to make dick jokes and set a world record for the number of times the word “fuck” is used as a punch line.
Q: Did you find Your Highness at all funny?
A: Look, fella, I write for Vanity Fair, which means I have a taste that’s a bit more, shall we say, refined than the average person. So, no, a few dick jokes aren’t going to appeal to me.
Q: Why is it, then, at approximately 6:45 p.m. this past Tuesday, you were seen laughing at the Your Highness screening?
A: I wasn’t laughing. I had gas.
Q: And you also had gas at 6:53 p.m.?
A: A fellow writer, a man named Matt, sitting next to me, started to tickle me. I have no idea why he did it—you’ll have to ask him. I’m very ticklish.
Q: And at 7:02 p.m.?
A: Seriously, what the hell are you doing? Do you want me to lose my job here?
Q: And again at 7:12 p.m.?
A: Fine! I laughed quite a bit during Your Highness! I know the movie is fairly terrible and the laughs are far from consistent, but, goddammit, sometimes dick jokes are funny.
Q: If you’re going to be blurbed in this weekend’s commercials for Your Highness, what quote do you think will be used?
A: “Sometimes dick jokes are funny!” —Mike Ryan, Vanity Fair