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|This article was nominated for deletion on 23:37, October 19, 2013.
The result of the discussion was Keep.
|Humour:||7||Just when you thought you were done with me here I come again! I guess I'll do much like I did the other time around, throwing in some suggestions as well as whining, since the article is so short. That will maybe give you some ideas.
First of all, I bet (hope!) you want to develop this, since there are no sections at all, for sure the Playstation 5 is an inspiring subject (I still have a PS 1 and 2, but not a 3, although I have played MGS4 and RE5, incredible games!)
Lulzy first sentence to kick it off, the second could be great if it was not so confusing. The "household American slave" is mentioned twice in this paragraph, and in sentences that could be funny, especially the last one, but what the hell is an household American slave??? Do you mean a lazy American that never leaves home? It is unclear here, it's quite confusing. "Basement dweller" could clarify the sentences.
This sentence could be reworked to be funny, "The Chinese will invent the console in one of their Japanese colonies, and the Europeans will market the device through their subsidiary companies in Greenland." It's like a sentence that doesn't contain or set up a joke right now.
Maybe you could develop a sentence or 2 about the functionning of this thing, I find the hydrogen fuel thing quite lulzy, maybe play also with the words antimatter and maybe the console could contain a Black Hole? lol
You could also add at the end of the last sentence "before the PS6 comes out in 3 years." I like this paragraph a lot.
The first sentence is quite good, you could add that players will also be able to control the game with their minds! How about mentioning also that there are some reported incidents with the testers becoming possessed and that Sony is working to iron out this problem? The paragraph is fina and dandy despite some prose issues, great ideas!
Again that "American household slave" what the hell is this lol. I just got an idea about the game "Asteroids" How about the game "Hemorroids", letting the player feel the sensations as his mission is to get rid of it LOL The game is over when the character dies in pain. Just a suggestion, the Asteroids" thing is fine too. Maybe you could also add a third game andeven a fourth, GTA would sure be funny.
Gee, that's quite a change at the beginning there! It sure is surprising. Will that fuck the reader up? I know it did for me. I mean what's with this "97% of the population will die"? Nothing set that up in your text. It would maybe fit if you explained to us why, but you don't, leaving us with the fact that everybody dies for no reason. Find a funny reason, maybe a war between Sony and Microsoft that turns into a nuclear war, or just thrash that. The rest is funny, I like the Gargonot-Multitron Alliance thing.
LOL, good one. I am including here some suggestions if you want to add paragraphs or expend some:
You could talk somewhere along the way about how the pirate chip will be. Maybe a brain implant? Say that the pirate are not guaranteeing their work, and your brain could have all sorts of malfunctions lol, like your life becoming a video game, there is quite some potential there. You could envision some scenarios where somebody goes in the streets in real life thinking he is in Mario World, jumping to bash his head on bricks and seeing a construction worker as a hammer brother LOL, There are so much possibilities here, with all the games out there.
Also, a conspiracy theory about how Sony will use the players and reprogram them to be slaves would be awesome! Could be entitled "Brainwashing allegations"
|Concept:||8.5||The concept of an incredibly and hilariously technologically advanced game console is awesome, and well, who doesn't know PlayStation? So the title is bound to be eye-catching.|
|Prose and formatting:||6.5||Well the prose could be a little better, also I think there are some typos, but I am not a living English dictionary to say the least, so you may want to check in one lol, if I see some obvious ones, I'll correct them after I write this to help. I think the little issue here is that some sentences could be very funny and it seemed you were going for complex ones, but they sometimes end up being confusing. If in doubt (if it sounds weird), try to construct the sentence in another way, or just simplify it.
Also, including synonyms will always help to make the text better therefore funnier. You know, "to do" becomes "to accomplish" and so on. No need to have a Shakespeare-like prose, but Y'knawmean?
First paragraph: "The game console will be run on a mixture of the hydrogen fuel cell though adapted to harness liquid time travel energy" Funny sentence, but it sounds rather weird, wouldn't "The game console will run on a mixture of hydrogen fuel cells adapted to harness the energy of the time travel liquid"... Or something.
Copypasta from the article: "pirated game to the game console" and "games transmitted to the game console". The words "game" are too close in both these sentences, try to find a synonym since repetitions can be bothersome, or just lose the second "game" (before console)
Second paragraph: Here, you say 5 times "PS5". Again, synonyms could make this sound much better. Also, you'll want to kill me but here's another one: "quite skilled at this quite quickly". 2 "quite". How about "will develop incredible skills in a short period of time".
Third paragraph:Looks good. Well from now on, it is pretty ok, I understand all the sentences and there are not much repetitions, good job.
On the formatting side, well there are no sections, it isn't needed for now but maybe will since you may want the article to be longer. Don't forget to add Categories, grandma told me to tell.
|Images:||7||First: Nice little pic, I think the caption could use more lulziness, something maybe referring to something incredibly technologically advance we see in the pic, like: "The entrails of a Playstation 5. Here we can see the antimatter tranfer occuring in the time travel microchamber."
Second:Nice pic, the caption could be funnier though.
|Miscellaneous:||7.5||Cause Stone Cold said so.|
|Final Score:||36.5||I think for now it is very good but it would require 2 or 3 paragraphs more to be a full article, but then again if you can make a lulzy short one, it's your thing. But I just thought, judging by the length, that maybe it is an UnNews but you forgot to title it properly lol. I hope that was helpful and you can contact me on my Talk Page, as I said this subject is an eyecatcher and the concept is awesome, after some work it could be a GREAT article! Bye!|
|Reviewer:||Mattsnow 02:23, September 2, 2011 (UTC)|