WHAT THEY ARE
The concept of "boundaries" relates to our
sense of self.
At birth and for a long while after, a baby has no real
sense of who they are.
When we see a baby in their mother's arms, we see two people - the child
and the mother.
But the baby notices no difference, no division, no boundary between themselves
and their mother.
A newborn is "one" with their mother.
As life goes on, the child notices where their skin ends and their mother's
This is our first "boundary," and the beginning of our "sense
When our boundaries are crossed we are naturally furious at the invasion
because we know we could lose our sense of who we are.
WHAT GOES WRONG
Obviously, if a mother doesn't hold her child enough
and is unable to bond with them,
boundary problems and problems related to sense of self will abound.
But things can go wrong in later childhood and in adult
When they do, it is usually either because
someone treats us like they OWN us or, paradoxically, like they DISOWN
The worst example of being owned is physical or sexual
People who treat us in these ways are insisting that they own our very
We can also lose our sense of self in less severe but more
Some people never hear anything from their parents or their partners
except orders and complaints.
"You didn't do that well enough!"
Constant exposure to such treatment can shatter boundaries
and the sense of self.
Paradoxically, being treated like we are not there can
also cause boundary and self problems.
Beware of anyone who is so preoccupied with their own ego
and their own life
that you sometimes wonder if they even know you are there.
This can kill your sense of self too.
ABOUT FEELING CONNECTED
The saddest thing about boundary problems is that
the people who have them can feel either
"too close" (afraid they'll lose themselves),
and "too far" (very lonely),
but they can seldom feel safely in between or "connected" with
THE DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD OF BOUNDARY PROBLEMS
People whose boundaries are weak also tend to violate the
boundaries of others.
If you don't know that you have boundaries that must be
then you also don't know that other people have boundaries that you must
THE WAY OUT
First of all, people with these problems should get therapy.
This is too difficult to do completely on your own.
Therapy can support you while you learn what you need to do for yourself:
Learn to identify even the most subtle ways you violate the boundaries
of others. Become excellent at noticing when people "back away,"
emotionally and physically. When they do, you can be pretty sure you
have just crossed their boundaries.
Once you become accustomed to noticing the boundaries of others,
begin to notice that you have many of the same boundaries yourself!
Learn how to object whenever any of your boundaries are crossed,
even in the smallest ways and even by people with the kindest intentions.
Test various ways to of telling people when they cross your boundaries.
Allow yourself to make mistakes while you learn (by sounding either
too angry or too nice). Experiment. Notice what works and what doesn't.
With close friends who might understand, you might even tell them
that you are learning about protecting yourself (so they can understand
why you are acting differently toward them).
Keep reminding yourself: "People need my permission before
they cross my boundaries!"
Remind yourself also: "Nobody should ever help me unless I
ask them to!"
If people have constantly crossed your boundaries, it may seem unfair
to say that
you have to stop crossing their boundaries first.
It IS unfair!
But if you've been taking such treatment for many years
the sad truth is you may not even know what boundaries you are entitled
And the best way to learn this is to focus on the boundaries of the people
As you catch yourself violating the boundaries of others,
don't pick on yourself.
Remember, you are just now beginning to learn about all of this.
Please Tell Your Friends About
Enjoy Your Changes!
Everything here is designed to help you do just that!
Write To Me, I Want To Hear From You!
Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist (Milwaukee)
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