A church service is basically aerobics in slow motion. You have to get up, get down, come forward and turn around, all to background music with a kind of Mr Motivator figure out in front. You even get your own mini-aerobics mat hanging on the chair in front.
For people who don't go to church regularly, following what's going on can be tricky. To help you out, they give you a selection of books, brochures and guidebooks on your way in. That's like having four menus in a restaurant - by the time you've decided what you want, everyone's moved on to the next course.
Singing in church resembles a slightly amplified chewing the cud. The organist will play the first verse through once. If it's All Things Bright And Beautiful, you're quids in. If it's Gone Is Gomorrah's Glory, then wait for the man with the loud voice to go in first and follow quietly. Hymn numbers are displayed in a little frame by the pulpit. There are only two types of hymn numbers: single figures and those around the 400 mark. All the other hundreds of hymns are the back catalogue of one-hit wonders. If you have a peek in the 300s, that's where they keep the politically incorrect hymns in which God is called upon to smite the heathen and unmarried mothers.
A key part of every service is the sermon. This is where the vicar proves to the congregation why he was right not to pursue a career in television. The sermon takes place in the pulpit, a raised area that allows the vicar to see the people sitting at the back. As the person at the back is very likely to be the same person as at the front, a pulpit is generally unnecessary. Some churches have pews. They may look the same, but they have different names - from the front, they are Pew, Pew, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grubb. That's why people who slip into services late and sit at the back are known in the trade as Grubbs.
Most services have a bit where you are supposed to confess your sins. That's why church services are on a Sunday morning, so you've got a Saturday night's worth under your belt. If services were on Tuesday morning, you'd be confessing an extra ginger nut with your hot chocolate.
At the end of the service, the vicar stands at the front and sends you on your way and then, as you file out of the church, he's there at the back door to shake your hand and say hello. Now, that truly is miraculous.