Chris Martin has officially ended his time as a vegetarian and has begun eating meat again, surely to make his soon-to-be ex-wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, seethe with rage. And also gag a lot, because everyone knows that, when you are used to eating quinoa and rainfall soup for every meal, the mere idea of eating meat could send you straight to Vomville. So, just carry on if you hear faraway screeches of distress anytime soon, because it’s just Gwynnie having a conniption in response to this news.
About his rediscovered dietary proclivities, Chris doesn’t explicitly say that he grins with glee every time he cuts into a steak at the thought of Gwyneth melting like the Wicked Witch of the West. But he doesn’t deny it, either.
“Well, I eat meat. I was vegetarian for quite a long time and for various reasons I changed.”
Various reasons, like that you’d removed your food shackles the second that you finished rolling your eyes at the phrase, “conscious uncoupling”? They say that breakups can get ugly, but even I would have never imagined that a person could sink this low. Meat, Chris?! Gwyneth’s one true kryptonite, right after feeling full after a meal and being told that she is not better than everyone? It’s like he doesn’t even care.
Chris continued, probably through tears of joy, as he thought about how many fewer raw kale leaves he’d have to digest in the future.
“I felt like you should only eat something that you would be able to kill. I don’t know why on earth we’re talking about this. I have got to stop talking or there’ll be some sort of headline. Could you kill a fish? I wouldn’t like it but I probably could, so I’ll eat a fish … or a giraffe.”
Soo.. basically all meat, right? Like, I’ve never eaten a giraffe because that seems like a generally terrible experience. But apparently the option’s still open for Chris, if only to spite Gwyneth as frequently and as badly as he can.