It’s Halloween again. Time for horror flicks, fright nights and scary-creature features. At the diner we’re discussing monsters, aliens and strange beings of all sorts. Flashing through my mind are scenes from movies that caused me to scream, close my eyes or laugh aloud. I’m a fan of all those hair-raising, pulse-pumping films. In many of them there seems to be a dearth of common sense. The featured characters make an error in judgment that virtually guarantees them a gory death. I watch and sometime shout advice. Of course, the characters on screen can’t hear me, but if they could, I’d pass along these cautionary comments as a sort of survival guide:
1. Don’t open the door. Any door. If you rush into a room, make sure the monsters not already in the room before you lock the door.
2. Even if you can make a teleporter, mix up a longevity potion or figure out how to make flesh invisible. Don’t experiment on yourself. Remind yourself how “The Fly” and “Hollow Man” turned out.
3. When you hear a sound, don’t investigate. Let it go.
4. Don’t split up the group. It seems to be effective only in “Scooby Doo” cartoons.
5. Don’t stand by a large window where you’re quite sure the killer/manic is stalking you and is possibly hiding in the bushes under said window.
6. Don’t enter a medical/science laboratory or walk blissfully up the garden walk to the old house where you know the monsters lurk. Remember what happened to the poor folks of Raccoon City from “Resident Evil.”
7. Don’t engage in any kind of romantic body contact when you’re in a sequel to a movie where lovers were slain: i.e: “Friday the Thirteenth.”
8. Don’t fall asleep in any of the “Nightmare on Elm Street” films.
9. Don’t invite a vampire in and/or accept his invitation. Van Helsing is poster boy for how badly things can go.
10. Don’t accept any invitation from someone you know you “done” wrong. Learn from the fate of the 10 individuals that visited in “And Then There Were None.”
11. Don’t ignore your instincts. If you’re driving and you think the monster is in your back seat. Be assured: He is! Or if you think your mate is going insane, like in “The Shining,” guess what? He/she is.
12. When a body is found near a TV, don’t turn on the set and listen to the static as they did in “White Noise.” And if there happens to be a tape in the VCR, don’t follow the example of the teenage girls from “The Ring” and play it.
13. Don’t drive your family RV through ghost towns that were once nuclear testing sites. Remember “The Hills Have Eyes.” It could happen to you.
There are lots of other “no-no’s in Scream Fests. Can you give me a hand? Please add to the Horror Flick Survival Guide. Leave your advice. Happy Viewing!
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