Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Fat Americans
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Take four. This failed VFH a while back ago, but improvements have been made and I think it is good now. Still, I'd like more feedback prior to renomming-- 16:25, 10 February 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||See Concept. Yeah, a lot of the jokes are clichéd too, such as describing them as you would a separate species. Their natural habitat, etc. I felt like I was reading some automatically generated article, rather than a funny one.|
|Concept:||3||Okay, this joke is seriously getting a bit stale. It's be like basing an article entirely off of the joke that Brits have bad teeth. Also, statistically Brits are just as obese as Americans. Seriously, look it up. So I'm not sure why Americans are the specific target of fat jokes. IMHO, you should target America's false sense of entitlement rather than their size.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||No problem really, the style was good. And there weren't any major errors that I could ascertain.|
|Images:||7||The Images could use some improvement, but are generally good. The quality of the Venn-diagram could be improved. Get rid of the aliasing, and make the text warp to fit better in the middle.|
|Final Score:||27.6||Yes, I'm an American. I am quite skinny. I may be biased. But fat jokes in general are not that funny anymore save the ones that are very subtle.|
|Reviewer:||23:53, 11 February 2008 (UTC)|
OK, before you go reverting this review, AE, and asking for a more in-depth one, consider this: what he says here chimes with what people said on the VFH vote - so obviously, it has some relevance. I think the problem you face here is how the article is perceived - more than one article has failed recently because people felt it to be "too ranty". The fact that the rant was supposed to be sending up the ranter more than the subject of the rant was missed, for whatever reason, so the approach needs to be re-thought some more.
I'd suggest playing up a little more the stupidity of your narrator - make it obvious he's cartoon-biased. Acknowledge the point above about there being fat blighters elsewhere by having him deny that this is so - a fat person in another country is an American on holiday, dammit! And shift around the intro, making it clear that this is a non-biased seminar, aimed at discussing, fairly, the topic of Fat Americans. Explain that you'll be covering both sides of the debate - how fat they are, and why they are fat. Yes, I know other people claim that this problem is not exclusive to America - but they're American - they would say that!
Dismiss other stereotypes - particularly the Brit/bad teeth one - out of hand, while claiming that the Fat American is the ONE TRUE stereotype. and so forth. Leaven your rant with moments that show up just how much of a prat your narrator is. As vain as it may be to bring one of my own articles in to this, Down with this sort of thing! does something along those lines - undermining the seriousness of the narrator with his own impotence, in that case.
Think about changing your approach a little here - if people think it's too ranty, you need to do more to leaven the rant, and throw it into relief. So take the comments in the review above, along with mine here, and have another go at it. It may help it to run better on VFH if you do, as it was such a stumbling block for you last time. --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 11:29, 12 February 2008 (UTC)
- Brits have bad teeth? /me smiles nicely MrN 12:33, Feb 12
- Israelis are violent? /me tucks away the shotgun 12:35, 12 February 2008 (UTC)