'Abuse is never the fault of the victim'
Updated 2:24 pm, Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Domestic abuse? In Greenwich? Well, here is a number to consider. Over the next year, YWCA Greenwich will spend about $2 million on a wide range of programs serving victims of domestic abuse. That's right ... $2 million. Greenwich Time took a Time Out with Adam to find out just how big the problem domestic abuse is in town, the various forms abuse can take and how to escape an abusive relationship.
Q: How big a problem is domestic abuse in Greenwich?
A: One is too many and we serve thousands of victims every year.
Q: What kinds of abuse are we talking about?
A: Domestic abuse is physical, emotional or sexual abuse, as well as intimidating and threatening behaviors taking place within the context of the family household. It may occur between adults, between adults and children, or between children.
It may be physical, emotional or sexual. However, it may present itself, abuse is never the fault of the victim. It is 100 percent the responsibility and choice of the abuser.
Physical abuse involves the use of any physical act to harm, frighten and gain control over another person. It includes not only the physical abuse that causes injuries requiring emergency medical care, but also any physical contact that aims to frighten and control: shoving, pushing down on a bed, preventing someone from moving by holding and breaking or damaging objects around the victim.
Most victims say emotional abuse is the cruelest form of abuse and that it hurts far more than physical abuse, leaving deeper wounds that take much longer to heal. It is also more difficult for victims to identify, leaving them vulnerable to others' judgment and possible disbelief.
Similarly, it is dangerously easy for victims to believe their abusers when they say, "it's in their head," or "it's their entire fault" or "you push my buttons and provoke me to act this way," causing the victims to feel responsible or deserving of the abuse.
Verbal abuse is a coercive method to exercise control over another person. It belittles and demeans through continuous verbal manipulation, unpredictable erratic behavior, game playing, and fear, which keeps the victim always off balance and in constant fear of possibly doing something wrong.
In many cases, it is so severe that it amounts to brainwashing.
Sexual abuse is not only rape, but includes forcing a person to perform sexual acts against his or her will, hurting sexual parts and treating the victim like a sex object. It is important to remember that rape is rape, even if the victim is married to the abuser.
More examples of abuse are: isolation from family and friends, withholding of money, using children, controlling finances. The victim may be left feeling scared, confused, dependent and insecure.
Q: Who are the victims?
A: Anyone can be a victim! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems. Parents may think children do not know about the violence, but most of the time they do. Children often know what happened. They can feel helpless, scared and upset. They may also feel like the violence is their fault.
Violence in the home is dangerous for children. Children live with scary noises, yelling and hitting. They are afraid for their parents and themselves. Children feel bad that they cannot stop the abuse. If they try to stop the fight, they can be hurt. They can also be hurt by things that are thrown or weapons that are used. Children are harmed just by seeing and hearing the violence.
Q: Are there common events/issues that trigger domestic abuse?
A: There are three phases of the cycle of violence: the tension phase, the abuse episode, and the honeymoon phase. These phases could occur monthly, weekly or sporadically, but they repeat themselves forming the cycle of violence.
The abuser invariably will blame the victim for provoking the abuse, accusing her/him of some shortcoming or behavior (for example, sloppy housekeeping, being too fussy, awful cooking, too fat, too thin, hair too long, hair too short, always late, flirting), real or imagined, that "caused him to react abusively".
The honeymoon period, which usually follows the abusive episode, frequently finds the abuser apologizing profusely, promising never to do it again, and professing his/her undying love, bringing the victim flowers, and threatening suicide if she leaves him. This period may be simply an absence of violence and no real remorse. It may be the most dangerous phase of the cycle because it is during this period that the victim may be lured back into the relationship with new hopes for the relationship only to find the cycle beginning again.
Q: Is there an economic factor involved? Is domestic abuse a low income problem or is it an equal opportunity problem?
A: Domestic violence is an equal opportunity problem. However, finances can have an impact on domestic violence. Poverty, lack of control and feelings of powerlessness can lead to the perpetrator's perceived need to dominate family members. And this is linked to increased levels of mistreatment. During the recent plummet of world markets, those who abuse are more likely to express their feelings of frustration in more belligerent ways.
Many people who are normally calm were stressed by the financial meltdown and concerned that they were spiraling out of control. Those individuals could be emotionally at risk for harming their spouse, children, or elders under their care.
Q: Are there early warning signs that might indicate a relationship is turning abusive?
A: Yes, there are many. Including:
Feeling afraid of your partner most of the time.
Feeling that you can't do anything right.
Getting embarrassed by your partner's behavior toward you.
Believing that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated.
Avoiding topics or situations out of fear of angering your partner.
Q: Why do victims of domestic abuse often times tend to stay in abusive relationships?
A: The question that should be asked is why does the perpetrator continue to perpetrate violence? However, people who stay in abusive relationships undergo gradual steps of reasoning to reconcile the abuse in their minds. The reasons they stay may change as the abuse in the relationship progresses.
At first, people might stay because:
They love their partners
They believe their partners will change
They believe that they can control the abuse by doing things that their partners want; wearing certain clothes, keeping the house clean, keeping the children quiet...
They are embarrassed for their partners and themselves
They are afraid of what will happen if and when the police become involved
Later, people might stay because:
They love their partners but are increasingly confused by that love
They hope their partners will change or get help and believe their partner when they say they will change
They are under pressure from family and friends to stay
They believe their partners love and need them
They are afraid to be alone
They believe they can't support themselves
They are confused
They are increasingly scared of their partners' behavior
Finally, people might stay because:
FEAR: their partners have become incredibly powerful in their eyes
The partners threaten to kill them, the children, their families or their friends
They have developed low self-esteem
They believe that no one can help them
They believe that they cannot survive alone
They believe that no one will love them
They are very confused and feel guilty
They become depressed and immobile. Decisions are difficult and sometimes impossible to make.
They believe they have no options
They have developed serious physical and emotional problems
They become suicidal and/or homicidal
Q: What recourse do victims have? Are there, a top five things someone should do when they find themselves in an abusive relationship?
A: There are many options available to those who are being abused depending on their individual needs and circumstances. The best thing for someone to do is to call our 24-hour hotline at 203-622-0003 or come to the YWCA to meet with a counselor in person.
Some things to consider: Understand that you are not alone, document the abuse and call the hotline to learn about our options and to create a safety plan.
Q: What is a safety plan?
A: A plan developed between an advocate/counselor and a victim that contains specific activities for a victim to be safe from an abuser.
Safety planning is an essential step to be completed with all victims of domestic violence. It allows individualized planning for situations the victim and children or family may encounter regardless of what the victim decides to do about the relationship with the abuser. Age-appropriate Safety Planning is also important for child survivors/witnesses of domestic violence.
Safety planning examples:
1. Identify the safest way out of your house of your need to leave right away.
2. Inform your employee, childcare provider and schools of your situation.
3. Change the locks on your doors.
4. Mobilize your support network: friends, family, church etc.
5. Keep a cellular phone on your at all times. Program Domestic Abuse Services 24 hour hotline 203-622-0003 into your cell phone.
6. Have a place where can you keep your purse, car keys and some change to make a phone call so that you can grab them quickly.
7. Teach your children how to use the telephone to contact the police.
8. Create a code word you can use with friends, family and/or your children to alert them to call for help.
Q: How can the abused find help? What sort of programs/organizations/services are available to sufferers of domestic abuse?
A: In Greenwich, the Greenwich YWCA (and its Domestic Abuse Services) is the only agency licensed to treat victims of domestic violence; there are, however, agencies and programs to assist individuals throughout the state. They provide services specifically for victims of domestic violence and their children. Their services are confidential, and available to all individuals regardless of age, gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, class, or physical ability. They offer safety planning, advocacy, information, referrals, counseling, support groups and emergency shelter. You can be immediately connected with a program in your area by calling our toll free domestic violence hotline at 888-774-2900.
Q: On a more personal level, why are you doing what you do? What do you get out of working with those who have experienced abuse?
A: Domestic violence is one of the most pervasive of all social problems, affecting most of the population directly or indirectly. For some people, the thought of "happily ever after" might seem like a nice idea, but it's far from reality. For these people, the term "happily ever after" simply does not apply. There are millions of people in America that find themselves in domestic violence situations each year. These types of situations are not only unhappy and uncomfortable, but they are also downright dangerous. I do this work because I believe everyone has the right to live a life free of abuse. People have the right to be safe, the right to love and be loved and the right to be treated with respect.