Disease transfer to humans
by Garry J. Wallan
I did a little research and discovered that, other than pulmonary
chlamydiosis ("Parrot Fever"), there are only six diseases or afflictions which
can be transferred from parrots to humans:
Perot fever: Marked by up to a 40% loss of height; enlargement of the
ears; a squeaky, grating voice; paranoia; a strong desire to repeatedly run and
retreat; and occasionally a giant sucking sound.
Sonic shock syndrome: Primarily marked by a piercing scream with upper
harmonics which only dogs and whales can hear. Can also include any or all of
the following: insane cackling immediately after performance of a prank or "bad
thing"; repeated vocalizations of noises which resemble human intestinal
distress or reproductive activity; mumbling conversations which can almost be
deciphered; repetition of one side of a phone conversation; and the utterance of
X-rated phrases in the presence of house guests and children.
Macaw food-wasting disease: This affliction, while attributed to
macaws, can be caught from all known members of the psittacine family. The
disease primarily manifests itself in humans by the behavior of tossing food
away from the table in apparent disdain, followed later by consumption of the
food from the floor, wall, ceiling, clothing, windows, or whatever surface it
adhered to. Other symptoms include stuffing food items into armpits or pockets
for later eating; mixing pieces of food with drinking water to make a thick,
vomitous mess; eating only one form of food to the exclusion of all others;
eating only the food that is found on other people's plates; regurgitating food
for loved ones; and eating feces just because its there.
Avianastics: Usually indicated by the ability to contort the body in
the same way as parrots. Sufferers are frequently found clinging to the ceiling
near a corner, with their torso twisted horizontally back between their legs.
Other body movements and contortions include: hanging upside down from light
fixtures while swinging in a rapid figure-eight motion; clinging to adjacent
walls with legs at more than a 240-degree angle; and pressing the posterior
against an open window frame to poop for distance.
Chirpees: Primarily indicated by an itch in the credit card or
checkbook which then progresses to the collection of at least one of each
species of psittacine. Secondary symptoms include repetitive purchases of bird
toys; purchase of bird food in boxcar-sized loads; a wallet the size of Detroit
to contain pictures of the birds; insane avian naming conventions ("This is my
bird Squeeeeeee, and my other bird Foofie, and my other bird Bumpertribblebibbet
of Bree, and my other bird Ookie Wookums Bappy Pie."); and active participation
in every known Internet bird newsgroup and mailing list, including the
little-known alt.compulsion.birds.birds.birds, rec.pets.birds.more,
HELLOHELLOHELLO-L, and MASTERBIRDER-L.
Avian interative exponential exploit expansion (AIEEE): This
affliction starts with the recitation of a cute bird story by Person "A",
followed by a counter-story by Person "B" of their bird's exploit which is even
cuter, more heartwarming, or more adventurous. The back-and-forth interplay
continues until the birds being described have taken on qualities usually
reserved for Greek and Roman deities. If the stories continue, the birds
actually become deities and smash the entire universe, hoping to start all over
with a better class of mammal.