What follows is a wholly speculative and fictitious transcript of the February 12 closed-door meeting of the Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge Committee. While this is entirely fabricated, we trust you will find it enlightening.
Art Grunewald (Executive Director, Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge Committee): I don't understand why this couldn't wait until the 16th.
Barry "Ches" Chester (Marketing Director, Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge Committee): Sorry, Art, but I am fired up! The designs were just couriered over from MID [Missouri Identity, the graphic design firm responsible for creating the logo and collateral marketing for the Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge].
AG: Okay, well, we’re here. Let's do it.
BC: Now, the kid—
Maureen Little (Treasurer, Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge Committee): He means Donny.
BC: The kid says these might be a little rough. He just wanted to get our feedback.
AG: Okay, okay! Can we see them already?
AG: What is the pig wearing?
BC: A leprechaun hat.
ML: Why is the pig wearing a leprechaun hat?
BC: Leprechauns. The Fighting Irish? You know!
AG: The Fighting Irish is Notre Dame!
BC: Yeah, so?
AG: So this isn't Notre Dame!
ML: Notre Dame is in Indiana.
BC: I think it works.
AG: How does it work?
BC: People love Irish stuff!
AG: Who says? I don't love Irish stuff!
BC: You like those biscotti at the Farron Street Café.
ML: Biscotti aren't Irish.
BC: What about St. Patrick's Day?
AG: What about it?
BC: You love St. Patrick's Day.
AG: It's not even in the right month!
ML: The ABBC is in May.
AG: And what does Ireland have to do with anything? This will just confuse everyone!
BC: That's where the apple comes in.
ML: There's a shamrock too.
AG: What is where the apple comes in?
BC: An apple in a pig's mouth says barbecue.
ML: Shouldn't it be an apple blossom?
BC: Our research shows that no one knows what an apple blossom looks like.
AG: Well, hell!
ML: It's a little gratuitous, don’t you think?
BC: How do you mean?
ML: The apple. It's like Donny just wanted to make everyone think of dead pigs.
BC: It's barbecue. What should everyone think of?
AG: Yeah, what? Leprechauns?
ML: I just mean, why do we need a smiling pig with an apple in his mouth, about to be barbecued?
BC: I don't understand.
AG: Why is he smiling if he's about to be barbecued?
BC: This is the Apple Blossom BBQ Challenge! It's the thrill of competition! The pride! It's all on the line!
AG: What the hell are you talking about?
BC: Abbie wants to win this thing!
AG: Who the hell is Abbie?
BC: The pig.
ML: Oh. Apple Blossom BBQ. A-B-B. Abbie.
BC: Yeah! It's cute!
AG: It's a girl's name!
BC: What about Abbie Herman?
ML: You mean Abbie Hoffman?
AG: Who the hell is Abbie Herman?
ML: He means Abbie Hoffman.
BC: He burned down some buildings in the 60s.
ML: He founded the Yippies.
AG: The internet thing?
ML: They were a left-wing youth movement.
AG: Why the hell is he on our logo?
BC: Maybe you should leave the marketing to me. It is my bailiff's wick.
AG: Your what?
ML: His bailiwick?
AG: What the hell's a bailiwick?
The minutes reveal that the meeting went on, much in this vein, for another 45 minutes. Of course, this is no more absurd than all suicide food-related business.