How can it be that with one group of people you unfailingly delight with your special brand of hilarity, whereas with another crowd those same casual asides can leave you feeling dejected, misunderstood and the propagator of great gusts of tumbleweed?
And how does one negotiate a misguided attempt at combining humour with controversy? The kind that leaves you with the certainty that the people you are going to spend the rest of an evening with "actually thought you were serious when you said that". As we know to our cost, once that "smart remark" has been fired off it is impossible to retrieve and we are left feeling exposed to the glare of unimpressed onlookers.
It is often the case that we are judged on our apparent sense of humour and a few bad experiences in the department marked "funny" can quickly undermine levels of self-esteem and even the ability to communicate assertively.
So if we are all too aware of how difficult it is to get humour right in our own language, how are learners of English expected to negotiate this essential part of social interaction and communication? And what are the issues learners must address if they are to feel confident enough to experience "getting it", or not, in a graceful manner?
These are some of the question that prompted English language teachers and materials writers Sarah Raybould, Louise Salim and myself to explore how humour and learner awareness of its workings could be incorporated into classroom teaching. The result is a resource book, Sensing Humour in English, which in its current draft form received the Macmillan Education Award for Innovative Writing at last month's ELTons, the British Council's annual celebration of innovation in ELT.
Our belief is that equipping learners with greater awareness about how humour works, and doesn't work, will lead to enhanced language acquisition and a more open appreciation of humour in general.
But our intention is not to provide a "How to be funny" guide nor does the book aim to dictate to the teacher, or learner, what is and is not humorous. Rather, it is a practical resource that supports the teacher in creating an effective environment in which to elicit and expose learners to humorous transactions.
Our starting point is to encourage learners to share their personal experiences of humour. A class can be prompted to talk about "being" or "feeling" unfunny and how to deal with awkward situations, such as being the butt of jokes. Learners can explore the functions of humour in society such as to break the ice, acquire status or make social commentary. We also suggest prompting debate about the motivations for different uses of humour with questions such as "Why some people find dark humour funny, and others do not?" and "What does the use of sarcasm imply?"
From awareness-raising discussions the teacher can move on to address different types of humour: dry, sardonic, coarse etc, and "concepts" in delivery, such as parody or irony.
In each lesson the learner is supported in recognising differing genres and styles of delivery and discerning nuance, and should come out of a session better able to distinguish subtle inflections in tone such as that used for innuendo.
Sarah Raybould, who has developed authentic writing and listening texts that give students the opportunity to emulate models, says that assuming a persona can help the language learner appreciate other applications of humour that may not be their particular preferences. Our experience is that when more reserved learners are given permission to experiment with toilet humour, for example, they generally accept the challenge with gusto.
From this focus on specific skills, the next step is to develop language awareness by breaking down the systematic components used to describe the topic of humour. The aim here is to encourage learners to subvert conventional expressions for humorous effect with tasks that explore what humour means to the individual learner.
The final stage of our approach is to use cultural awareness questionnaires and tasks to broaden learners' awareness of the role cultural references play in "getting" the joke.
We don't recommend teachers try to nurture comedians in class but instead develop insights into humour. Armed with that knowledge, learners should be able to express themselves more freely and regain control of their own identity.
Sensing Humour in English by Kate Khoury, Sarah Raybould and Louise Salim is being developed for publication by Macmillan Education