The Washington Post’s George Will wrote a column today titled “Election is like college football.” While doing what liberals do best (quoting Harvard philosophers so they appear smart), the column also explains lofty concepts such as how “football taught the progressive virtue of subordinating the individual to the collective.” Next week’s continuation of this column will explain more similarities between college football and the election: feeling like nobody really won at the end of the season and realizing that most people involved with the processes are doing illegal things on a daily basis while being portrayed heroically.
SUNDAY SEPT. 9
People like to read things that make them feel less bad about things they do. That’s why parents everywhere felt better today after learning about a study in the journal Pediatrics that says it’s fine to let babies cry as they try to go to sleep. The study also stated that ignoring the wails instead of standing over the crib and staring down at it with no idea what to do does no damage. As the human tadpoles grow old enough to speak and listen, parents are advised to shift their strategy of ignoring their children’s boo-hooing by telling them “nobody likes when you do that” and that when they grow up to be adults they’ll cry themselves to sleep many nights just like they did as infants.
MONDAY SEPT. 10
Because of the lack of effectiveness of those commercials in which a car full of Stony Maloneys runs over a kid on a bike whilst ordering at the drive-thru as if their car was Grave Digger and the little kid was a rusty car positioned in front of it, other avenues are being explored to make people not like smoking pot. A study from the University of Southern California’s Keck School of Medicine in Los Angeles purports that marijuana use is tied to an increased risk of testicular cancer. The study concludes that most of the participants believed that the increased risk only applied to people “who smoke weed with seeds in it” and that female marijuana users should be targeted with cancer scares on parts of their bodies that boys don’t have because otherwise it sounds unfair.
TUESDAY SEPT. 11
When Carl Lindner settled Cincinnati, he used to shoot and skin buffalo and sell them at his chain of frontier shops, which he named United Dairy Farmers. Hundreds of years later, the UDF chain is still “bursting with innovation,” according to a piece in today’s Enquirer. For the first time in many years, its line of “sweet treats” is expanding. Unfortunately, this explosion of innovation will not result in the store selling condoms or cigarillos (per the late frontiersman’s belief that condom or no condom sex ain’t right), or having employees who don’t look at you like you asked them to clip your toenails when you request a goddamn milkshake.
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