How to Survive the Robot Uprising
You guys, the robots are totally coming. Seriously. And maybe not right now, this very second, but they are on their way in a matter of months, possibly years, certainly within the next several decades.
How do we prepare, you ask? I’m glad you asked, Asky McAskerton. There are numerous ways to prepare for the robot uprising, but below I’ve detailed the most important. Print this out and keep it in your wallet. Or risk being assimilated.
Learn how to talk in binary code
This sounds a whole lot harder than it actually is. Think about it. You’re probably taking a foreign language right now, right? French, Spanish, or maybe even German. What good are those languages going to do you when the landscape is overrun with shiny demons!? You have to speak the language of the enemy, and that means zeros and ones. Begin with simple commands and requests. Then you can build up to a full sentence. Once you get the hang of it, it’s like second nature. Asking where the bathroom is only 256,980 characters long.
Disguise yourself as a robot
Despite all of their technologically advanced weaponry and sensory equipment, robots are a bunch of suckers when it comes to other things that look like robots. Once you make your first robot kill (a glorious day for any human) salvage the wreckage and construct a robot disguise suit. This should make you look like something inconspicuous. A human internment camp patrol guard, a sector 5-Delta plasma gunman, or even a Grind-Cutter. Just be sure to talk in a robot voice and make machine-y noises with your mouth when you move.
Rid yourself of human emotion
Which brings me to my next point: emotions. Robots don’t have them, and they never will. How could they?! With wires for arteries and hearts made of microprocessors, these overblown piles of circuit boards are heartless and cruel. You must be just like them. You must become them. Fill your head with numbers, graphs, and cell phone text message icons. This is the way a robot thinks. Forget your friends and family. They’ll only get you killed. Become the machine!
Forget everything you learned from The Terminator movies
When the real robot uprising happens, it won’t be all dramatic and overblown like you saw in Terminator and Terminator II (we’re still trying to pretend the third one didn’t happen). They start by just moving into your neighborhood. Then you start seeing a couple robots playing with your kid on the playground at school. Before you know it, the robots are being elected to city council and running corporations. Then, once they have their foothold, they start rounding up the humans!
Make chocolate cake
Oh, right. I almost forgot to tell you guys. Robots can’t eat chocolate. It’s really, really bad for them. Super bad. They won’t die or anything, but it really upsets their robot stomachs and they get super robot gassy for, like, two days. It’s real inconvenient. And the crazy thing is, they still eat the stuff! How’s that for a short circuit in the logic chip!? Ha! I guess robots ARE just like us… except programmed to kill.