- Men are dumb, don’t trust them with important things like magic, they will mess it up
- If the girl who hated you suddenly falls in love with you, don’t trust her
- If you love the girl, don’t lie about who you are, she will find out you are lying
- If the giant talking tiger says not to touch something, don’t touch it
Alice in Wonderland:
- If a rabbit in a waistcoat walks by, don’t follow it!
- Don’t try to talk sense to crazy people
- Don’t try to play croquet with a flamingo
Back to the Future:
- Men are dumb, don’t trust them with important things like history, they will mess it up
- If you see a hunter, run as fast as you can
Beauty and the Beast:
- If you want to hide that your house is enchanted, don’t let the forks talk to visitors
- Don’t tell angry mobs about the nice scary looking thing you met in the woods
- If a creepy hunter wants to marry you, run the other way as fast as you can
- Don’t moon guys with arrows
- Don’t belive peace with actually happen just because you get sent on a peace-making diplomatic mission
- Don’t backstab someone if you will beat yourself up about it later
Bright Young Things:
- Men are dumb, don’t trust them with important things like money, they will mess it up
- Don’t marry, get engaged to or otherwise even associate with men who will either sell or buy you, your children or both
- Don’t let rich debutantes who don’t normally drive cars drive your race car. It’s bound to be bad for both the debutante and the race car (not to mention your standings in the race)
- If your father is the prime minister or otherwise important, don’t bring home your friends after a party for a drink and let them spend the night (especially if their reputations are less than spotless)
The Emperor’s New Groove:
- Don’t have creepy skeleton women as advisors
- If you do have a creepy advisor who you know doesn’t like you, don’t eat food she gives you
- If your friend likes a guy, just let her like him unless he’s an axe murderer or something
The English Patient:
- If you are Canadian, don’t become a spy unless you want to be called by a stupid codename like “Moose”
- The shinier your armor, the cooler you are
- Gold lame was common in the middle ages
- If you look 20 but are really 90, don’t wear metal breastplates as you sleep (in fact, don’t wear them at all)
- If your friend has no memory whatever, wear a name tag
- Turtles are all cool surfer dudes
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids:
- Don’t keep shrinking machines in the attic
- Capes are bad. Very bad.
- If a kid idolizes you to the point of annoying the crap out of you, bash in his brains before he can become a super villain.
The Iron Giant:
- Giant robots are like big puppies!
- Never ever let a ten year old boy have a giant robot
- Never let the government have a giant robot
- In fact, never let anyone with a Y chromosome have a giant robot
- Don’t make a dinosaur park, they are too dangerous
- Don’t visit a dinosaur park, they are too dangerous
- If the bad guy opened all the cages except for one, don’t open that cage
Lilo and Stitch:
- If it is blue and talks, it’s probably not a dog
The Lion King:
- Don’t visit elephant graveyards
- Don’t trust relatives with sinister laughs and creepy senses of humor
The Little Mermaid:
- Don’t trade your voice away to get the guy, not only is he not worth it, and without your voice you can’t tell him that you like him
- Men are dumb, they won’t pick up signals, if you like them, tell them
- If some sea witch is trying to steal your guy, just brain her and save yourself the trouble later
- If you plan to spend a lot of time on ships, learn to swim and always wear a life vest
- If you are a crab, donï¿½t go into a kitchen
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring:
- Don’t try to steal the ring
- Don’t let hobbits touch anything
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers:
- Stay as far away from the ring as possible
- Don’t piss off trees
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King:
- A woman can do what a man can’t, so let her tag along
- The ring is bad, stay far away from the ring
- Men are dumb, don’t trust them with important things like countries, they will mess it up
- Always have a scarf, a fan and a sword on hand
- Make-up wipes off easily with sleeves
One Hundred and One Dalmations:
- Don’t make coats out of Dalmatian puppies
- If your friend’s name is ‘Devil’, don’t trust her
The Princess Bride:
- Men in black masks are cool, trust them
- When the creepy prince decides to marry you, run the other way as quickly as possible
- He is lying when he assures you it’s safe
Pirates of the Caribbean:
- Lie to pirates
- Men are dumb, don’t trust them with important things like your life, they will mess it up
- Think through your conditions well, and word them carefully, before you finalize a deal with pirates because they, like geniis, will stick to the letter of the agreement, not the sentiment
- Men are dumb, don’t trust them with important things like international relations, they will mess it up
Return to Me:
- You can find someone by looking for their bicycle, even in another country
Return to Oz:
- If someone likes your head, run the other way as quickly as possible
The Santa Clause:
- Don’t kill Santa Claus
Shakespeare in Love:
- If you want a role in a play, audition with a piece from the same author. Or really anything that isn’t the same audition piece that every other actor uses.
- If you expect love to mean fidelity, don’t fall in love with someone who sleeps around. Or expect a trinket to stop her from doing so.
- If you introduce yourself to a girl as the man her father bought for her, don’t be shocked if she’s less than impressed with you.
- Ask before you kiss.
- If you are disguised as the opposite sex, remember that when someone gives sex-specific instructions.
- If you’re having a clandestine affair, it is useful to have the servants on your side.
- Don’t sell the same thing to two people and not expect consequences.
- If you pretend to be someone else, expect fallout when it is discovered.
- Blind optimism will keep your feet out of the fire.
- Remember that the Queen is always right.
Sherlock Holmes and the Silk Stocking
- Never agree to be bait
- If you are a princess locked in a tower, don’t wait to be rescued, just rescue yourself, it’s easier
- Don’t piss off prostitutes
- If a fairy says that a spinning wheel will kill your daughter, show her a spinning wheel and tell her to stay away from them
- If you have magic powers and no sewing or cooking skills, use the magic to make dresses and cakes
- If the apple is half white and half red, and the woman holding it only eats the red half, don’t eat the white half!
The Sound of Music:
- Men are dumb, don’t trust them with important things like children, they will mess them up
- If you like the boy, kiss the boy
- If you don’t like the boy, don’t marry the boy
- If you have a secret identity and the girl is getting kidnapped because of it, TELL HER ABOUT IT
Star Trek: Into Darkness:
- Never trust Kirk with a ship.
- Don’t date men who jump into volcanoes unless you are comfortable with frequent heartache.
- Double-check any new personnel transfers *before* you let new people on the ship.
- Don’t let Scotty leave the ship – everything *will* immediately break.
- Don’t put Chekov in charge of Engineering (seriously, who thought this was a good idea to begin with???).
- Don’t bother learning the native language.
- Follow your orders and kill the bad guy when you are told to.
- Seriously, don’t ever trust Kirk with a ship unless you have a pile of spare ones on hand to replace his with.
- When in doubt, ask someone who has already lived through this mess and came out the other side.
- If you are on a planet with interstellar capabilities, put some kind of early warning system and defense mechanisms in place to stop suicidal ships from crashing into the planet (and, you know, comets and stuff, too).
- Action heroes and villains both apparently think that they look cooler in trench coats and are so cool that the practical problems of jumping around on big machines with lots of moving parts that can catch on flowing fabric are non-existent.
- Bringing a human back to life is no more complicated than bringing a ball of synthetic fur back to life.
- Don’t attack a Vulcan’s best friend and girlfriend. It won’t turn out well for you.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace:
- If Yoda says not to teach a kid, don’t teach him
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones:
- If the boy is creepy, don’t kiss him
- If you like the girl, don’t stalk her
- Don’t piss off Yoda
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith:
- Don’t bond with evil incarnate
- If a trusted friend comes and says your very unstable and whiney husband has turned to the dark side, don’t go off to look for him by yourself
- Don’t underestimate the sneekyness of small green people or small droids
- Female jedis are apparently really easy to kill
- If Yoda says the boy is not ok, don’t give him more power
- If evil incarnate gets up and says “I’m making myself emperer and taking all your power” don’t cheer
- Don’t piss off Yoda, or Obi Wan
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back:
- Men are dumb, don’t trust them with important things like your freedom, they will mess it up
The Sword in the Stone:
- Your beard should never be so long that it can wrap around your head, it’s just asking for trouble
- Don’t turn into a squirrel during mating season, it’s just asking for trouble
- Small things will always defeat big things in the end
- Have enough life boats
- Don’t trust the guy when he says he will save your lover if you know he doesn’t like that you have a lover
- If you are warned to beware of cyborgs, stay away from cyborgs
- Don’t hire crews that look like they may be pirates
V for Vendetta:
- Remember remember important events in history or they will be repeated
- Don’t oppress people or they will rise up against you
- Don’t follow crazy religious fanatics, it’s really just a bad idea
War and Peace:
- Don’t attack Russia in winter
What Women Want:
- You really don’t want to know what other people are thinking
Who Framed Roger Rabbit:
- Men are dumb, don’t trust them with important things like your reputation, they will mess it up
- Don’t play patty cake with people you are not married to
Winnie the Pooh:
- If you are going to eat everything in the house, make sure the door is big enough to get out afterwards
The Wizard of Oz:
- If no one can tell you what cool things a wizard has done, don’t assume he can do anything
- If you can be melted by water, don’t have buckets of water laying around in your house
X-Men III: The Last Stand:
- Don’t run races with girls who can phase through solid objects
- Don’t piss off women who can call down lightning on your head
- Don’t play with things that can cause your powers to disappear, even if you just intend to use them on someone else
- Don’t leave behind the woman who knows all your secrets