One of the nice things about living in Florida (``The Dead Flower State``) is that you get to spend a lot of time gardening.
In March, when people up North are all happily gathered around their vaporizers comparing flu symptoms, we Floridians are kneeling in our gardens, running our fingers through the rich, loamy, deceased remains of whatever it was we planted last.
I personally have mastered several highly effective ways to kill plants, bushes, trees, flowers and shrubs. I try to vary my technique from year to year so that the plants do not develop a resistance or otherwise become ``gardener-tolerant.``
If you`re having trouble making your garden plant-free, try one of my time-tested procedures.
-- Locate your plants where they`ll get a lot of sun. If plants get too much sun, they`ll wither and die.
-- Locate your plants where they don`t get a lot of sun. If plants don`t get enough sun, they`ll wither and die.
-- Locate your plants where they get sun only part of the time. The stress of going back and forth from sunshine to shade will croak your plants in nothing flat.
-- Water your plants. Too much water kills plants.
-- Don`t water your plants. Plants can`t live without water.
-- Fertilize your plants. Fertilizer ``burns`` plants. (The little flames leaping out of the stalks create some interesting nighttime lighting effects.)
-- Don`t fertilize your plants. Unfertilized plants starve to death. In fact, herbaceous famine victims promise to be the hot new charity of the `90s. Look for Sting to stage a fund-raising concert soon.