My oldest son was not quite 4 months old on Mother's Day 1989, a baby who was undersized and slow to develop.
I was genuinely concerned. Then one day, when he was 20 months old and still not talking, he pointed at my car license plate.
Was it a fluke? That night, I pulled out the alphabet book we had been reading every night. As I pointed to each letter, he rattled off the name.
It wasn't as dramatic as Helen Keller at the water pump, but still pretty stunning.
The morale of the story: Every kid is different.
It's just one of many, many lessons learned over the past 25 years. A week into my retirement from active motherhood -- my youngest graduated college May 3 -- here are some of things I know now, but wish I knew back then.
1. It's only temporary. As a new parent, I was shocked by the ever-changing dynamics. Every year, and sometimes every month, was different. The bad aspect of that: Just as I conquered a set of problems, new problems would develop. The good part: More often than not, challenges that went unsolved would disappear over time.
2. Structure is your friend. I learned the hard way that family life is much calmer and easier with set schedules, routines, rules and boundaries, whether it's a toddler's bedtime or a 9-year-old's chores or a teenager's curfew. Kids would never, ever, ever admit this, but there's a comfort in knowing what to expect.
3. Be lavish with love and stingy with criticism. Children need to feel loved. Every single day. One of the best parenting tips ever: Create a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Small things like thanking a child for doing a chore, offering a compliment, providing encouragement, asking a kid about his or her day and/or sharing a story or a joke go a long, long way toward building a close relationship and creating a happy home.
4. Ban the s-words. Don't tell a child to shut up. Don't ever call him or her stupid. Of course, children need to be corrected at times. But if you're rude or hurtful, you're just compounding the problem and setting a bad example.
5. Hammer the difference between wants and needs. Don't equate love with material possessions. Learning to do without is a valuable life skill. Take it from someone who never bought her children a video gaming system or their own cell phone. My kids survived and they still talk to me.
6. Parenthood is not a democracy. Think benevolent dictatorship.
7. But still listen and ask for input. To paraphrase George W. Bush, you're the decider. You get to make the rules. But the rules are much more likely to be accepted and obeyed if you listen carefully to feedback, and respond positively when a kid makes a good case.
8. Appreciate the value of consistency. Be clear -- in your own mind and to your children -- about what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Nothing creates frustration and resentment among children than a parent who gets angry for "no reason."
9. Turn bad choices into life lessons. Kids will make mistakes. When they do, the best reaction is neither to blow up nor bail the kid out. Rather, focus on helping the kid figure out what lesson can be learned going forward. (One of my mantras when my kids were teenagers: "You had to learn this at some point in life, so it's good you're learning it now.")
10. Create good memories. Day trips, vacations, holiday traditions, setting aside a night every week to play board games or watch a movie as a family are great ways to build family bonds. A recent study found spending money on activities results in more happiness than the purchase of things. Invest your time and money with that in mind.
11. You can't do it all, so don't even try. Especially this weekend, take a break. You deserve it.
Happy Mother Day's!