We live in a short-attention span society, so I won't bore you by droning on and on about my tips and techniques and proper grammar. I can bore you just as easily by condensing my advice into bite-sized nuggets:
- I can tell you how to finish your book in one word: time management.1
- Don't use amateurnouns. Your readers will notice.
- After spicing up your novel a bit by mixing in metaphors, set it aside for a while so the plot may thicken.
- Omit words.2
- When writing non-fiction, be vicious with your punctuation:
- Cut long passages down to size by using bullets.
- To get rid of extraneous content, drop it with a dagger.†
- In order to fit a bunch of people into a smaller space, slash them repeatedly.
- To ensure your prose is flawless, always use the perfect tense.
- No matter how wonderful a passage or phrase sounds, it's worthless if it doesn't advance the story. As Sir Arthur Quiller-Coach said, "Murder your Darlings. Especially if you're J.M. Barrie, because then you have a Peter Pan Murder Mystery on your hands."
- Writers, take proper care of your colons: Otherwise, all that follows will be a painful mess.
- Even if you do your writing on a computer, you need your BIC PEN. (Butt In Chair, Persistently Evading the 'Net)
- Use short sentences for action scenes. It moves the narrative along.
Use long sentences for flowery prose, 20-page research papers, lists of moderate to great length, and convicted murderers.
- Sentence fragments. Useful in moderation. Really.
- And I'll end with a few examples of properly used punctuation:
- Why would you ask me? (Question Mark)
- She won't say why she's so moody. (Period)
- Don't interrupt me. Anyway, I've got to— (Dash)
That'll do it for now. And remember: Writing is a journey. Don't stop believing.
1 And as that statement proves, reading and writing are essential to your success, but arithmetic is not.
2 The original advice from Strunk and White's Elements of Style was "Omit needless words." I thought needless unnecessary.
† What did I tell you? This content isn't useful at all.