The battle of the sexes isn’t over. In fact, it’s probably happening in your office right now.
Women and men are almost equally represented in the U.S. labor force, but the workplace is still rife with conflicts and misunderstandings rooted in gender, according to a new book by Barbara Annis, a leadership consultant, and John Gray, author of the bestseller “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.”
In “Work With Me: The 8 Blind Spots Between Men and Women in Business,” the authors conclude that women are unhappier at work than men, largely because they don’t feel appreciated, respected or included by male colleagues and bosses.
The result? Men feel confused about women’s frustrations and women feel discouraged, often leaving their companies or getting stuck in mid-level roles after giving up on the possibility of advancement. In the process, say Annis and Gray, companies lose out on those employees’ talents and potential.
Facebook executive Sheryl Sandberg has drawn attention to the same problems, especially women’s lack of representation in top leadership roles, with her book “Lean In,” arguing that women need to push through these obstacles and advocate for greater support for themselves at home and at work.
Annis and Gray spoke with The Wall Street Journal about how Venus and Mars interact at work.
WSJ: Women seem to realize there’s a problem with gender at work. Do men?
John Gray: Generally not. That’s why they’re called blind spots. And the blind spot women have is they don’t see men’s side of things. They don’t see how they often misinterpret male behavior and take offense at it.
WSJ: You start with the premise that men and women are different, and that this leads to problems in the workplace. Is it fair to generalize so broadly?
John Gray: There are some really clear dividing lines between men and women when it comes to brain physiology, which influences motivations and reactions to things like stress. These are broad strokes, and if you’re going to talk about furniture, you do have to make generalizations about couches and chairs. Then there are loveseats which are a combination of both.
Barbara Annis: We’re talking about norms. Women are wired differently – we look at problems in a more contextual view, looking at consequences more. Women bring diversity of thinking, different lines of sight, innovation and they’re more calculated about risks. Men say “let’s just make the decision so we can make the quarterly goals.”
WSJ: Why is lack of appreciation the No. 1 complaint of women?
Barbara Annis: Men don’t give a lot of feedback to women. If it’s not broken, they assume everything’s OK. Women want to build relationships and trust. They want to connect with the people they work with. Male bosses often don’t get that, so women end up not feeling appreciated.
John Gray: You have to awaken men to the idea that women receive appreciation so much differently. Women want to be acknowledged for results but also for the efforts that go into achieving those results. Men have to listen to the women’s concerns and challenges that came up along the way.
WSJ: How can men and women bridge these differences?
Barbara Annis: There’s equal learning that has to happen on both sides. I worked with a firm where a high-level woman was feeling alienated partly because her boss always talked in hockey metaphors and mostly left her alone. His intention was to value her in his own approach. But she misinterpreted that. He saw she might want him to step into her office and see how she was doing, and have conversations that bond, not just about hockey. And she had to understand that he had the best of intentions for her. This is about knowing you have blind spots and turning your head to see more clearly.
John Gray: The number one solution is increasing awareness and understanding. Then there are very easy fixes for this in the workplace. We’re not talking lengthy therapy sessions; we’re talking about conversations that last five minutes, checking in, that kind of thing. It can work wonders.
Men have a tendency to think that women, when they want to talk about things, they’re slowing things down. But that can save you from making mistakes. Women want to explore more details before making decisions. When men are stressed, they take action. When women are stressed, they ask more questions.
WSJ: Sheryl Sandberg is calling attention to similar issues. How do your perspective and prescriptions differ from hers?
Barbara Annis: We both encourage women to persevere in their professional lives, though we include men in the conversation and advocate greater understanding and valuing of the strengths found in our gender differences. We call it Gender Intelligence.