User:Why do I need to provide this?/Lincoln
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edit Secret Origins
Lincoln was your mom in a freakin cow suit mother fk'er, and space pirate Abraham Lincoln. After finding an old map drawn by Lewis and Clark on the back of a Denny's napkin, 'Captain' Abe gathered together a band of old sea dogs in his pimped up giant Hummer and travelled westwards. After shaving off all of his pubic hair and running out of money to feed his ravenous automobile in 1825, he found himself stuck in what is present day eastern Oregon.
Several years of simple living followed, during which time Abe and his merry men brewed moonshine, held belching contests, and played 'the floor's made of lava'. News of their hilarious exploits eventually reached the eastern seaboard, who were, ironically, bored of the eastern sea. Thus countless men, women and rubber duckies travelled west to join in the fun.
In an algebraic form that would be expressed as
edit Rapid growth
The growth of Lincoln continued long after Abe's decision to head 'back east' and lead the Union's crack commando unit 'Delta Farce' during the American Civil War.
By 1878 Lincoln's population had swelled to more than 35 million, antagonizing the larger neighboring states of Oregon and Washington, who were sick of all the loud music disturbing their sleep on weekends, and the puddles of vomit left on their doorstep. The less influential states of Taragon, Bon-Bon and Idaho made the most of the party-goers, by selling them beads and second-hand toilet paper.
edit Defeat to Oregon
This state of animosity continued for several decades, with diplomatic relations between Lincoln and Oregon often descending into angry jive talk and 'yo mamma' ripostes. Finally, in 1914 Oregon declared war on Lincoln (and Taragon and Bon-Bon for good measure), in what is commonly known as the 'Orego-Weiner States War'.
The bloody war lasted 4 long years, but was resolved at the historic 'Battle of Tiny Weiner' in 1918, during which the Lincoln army was severely burned by a particularly nasty prank involving a spork, a chicken, and 3,000 tonnes of TNT. The humiliation was devastating, and within weeks their entire forces had packed up and moved down to California to pursue an uninterrupted life of debauchery.
Lincoln was swiftly assimilated by Oregon, and few indicators of its once stoned independence remain today.
edit Other Lincolns
- A state capital city in Nebraska, also has an University of Nebraska more known for kick-ass football, baseball and basketball.
- A rural county in Nevada desert, where that kooky talk radio personality Art Bell lives, yeah right next to Area 51 or "Dreamland".
- A small town in California, full of yuppies idiotically waste $4 per gallon gas driving 100 miles to work and back, and buy those "cheap" $450,000 homes on a terribly flawed mortgage. Good luck, the "American dream" and the "California dream" are now your worst nightmares.