After years of being bombarded with statistics about the risks of obesity, overweight people are finally receiving some good news. A new study by the US Coast Guard reveals that fat people are better floaters than thin ones.
"No doubt about it," said Coast Guard Commander Fenton Gummer.
"Skinny people go under like an oiled brick, but the obese sometimes float for weeks," said Gummer. "In fact, one time, we rescued six people, one fat guy the size of a minivan and five skinny people clinging to his pants. They were lucky he was there."
Obese school bus driver Tweedie Blanche Funderbirk said she wasn't surprised by the news.
"I have to take showers because I float in the bathtub and the water spills over onto the floor," she complained.
According to researcher Junie DeBooneburger, overweight people also have deeper navels, which produce more lint.
"There are fat people out there making a lot of money selling their lint to the textile industry," DeBooneburger said.