Last week, as I sat reading about psychological defense mechanisms, I read the definition of displacement and it got me thinking about what it means to be a man:
Displacement is a defense mechanism that shifts sexual impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target. It separates emotion from its real object and redirects the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less threatening, so as to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening.
As I sometimes bemoan to my friends, this pretty much describes all of conventional American male sexuality. It’s so rare that a heterosexual man’s romantic/sexual impulses end up being expressed to the woman who inspires them. The conventional American man sees a multitude of women in his everyday life who attract him — who captivate him walking down the street, waiting in line, or sitting in the cafe — and he engages practically none of them to communicate his interest.
Instead, the conventional American male inserts a distance between himself and any woman who could reject him. He spends the majority of his everyday sexual life staring at women he’ll never talk to from afar, stealing glances on the street or subway car, or swimming in magazine stands of glossy covers, movie stars, and a thousand-forty other distractions from the absolutely terrifying act of walking up a beautiful stranger and expressing interest. Unfortunately, the handful of men who are capable of this act are often closed off in other ways, displacing their passion and replacing it with strategy: the pickup artists, the douchebags, the serial hunters.
As a result, male sexuality in our culture may seem to be ubiquitous, but what you see is rarely real male sexuality. It’s only the leering powerlessness that’s left in the absence of real masculinity. Real masculinity is relegated to the shadows, and we are a nation of half-men.
If you are not strong enough to make yourself vulnerable and express your interest directly, you are not strong enough to date the woman you want.