It’s perfectly normal for adoptive parents to look at their new child and wonder if he’ll ever fit into the family, if you’ll ever truly love him, and if he’ll ever return that love. Just remember that adoptive parents bond with their babies as successfully as biological families!
To make the journey go smoothly, adopt these strategies for bonding with your adopted child.
Don’t rush it. If you adopted a baby, how quickly he adapts depends on how old he is. If he’s younger than six months, he may fuss more than usual, refuse to feed sometimes, and snooze for too many hours (or too few). These behaviors have nothing to do with your parenting skills, and they’ll most likely pass in a few weeks. In the meantime, cuddle your baby as often as you can, give him gentle rubdowns before bedtime, and wear him in a sling or front carrier instead of putting him in his stroller or bouncy seat. Music can be soothing, too — if you can, find lullabies in your child’s native language if you adopted internationally.
If you adopted a toddler, prepare yourself for some tough weeks. He probably loved his previous caregivers, and his worst nightmare has come true — he’s lost the people who meant the most to him. He’ll probably act out and test limits as he learns to trust you. Nip such behaviors in the bud by setting up routines, so he knows what to expect, and setting a few rules. As often as you can, catch him being good, so he becomes more confident of his abilities to behave. One important routine to establish: Reading together. Not only will that give you a chance to snuggle, but books can also provide the words he needs to identify his emotions.
Talk, talk, and talk some more. Babies soak up language from their surroundings, and that goes double for an adoptive child. Many kids who’ve been in an orphanage lag behind in language skills, so boost your tot’s vocabulary by giving play-by-plays when you’re taking a walk, doing chores, or just hanging out. Pause so he can answer, even if it’s with a grunt or a coo. Another reason to talk it up? Chatting will help him feel included and worthy of your attention.
Get your older kids involved. If you have other children, they can help speed the bonding process, so encourage them to pitch in often in as many ways as they want. Beforehand, they can help choose his name, and — before his arrival and after — they can pick out toys and clothes. Give them fun tasks, like making funny faces when you’re bathing or diapering the baby, or playing games with him while you make dinner.
Start a few traditions. Rituals make every child feel special and give little ones something to look forward to. Keep a scrapbook for your newest family member that you all can look through on the anniversary of the day he joined the family. When you say prayers or grace or light holiday candles, consider including your child’s birth family in your blessings. If your child was adopted internationally, pick one of the important holidays from that country and celebrate it every year.
To learn more about becoming an adoptive parent, click here.