How To "Nail 2am Down Vegas Style" (According to Jeremy Piven):
1. Have your soul professionally extracted, for that dead-eyed, ocular black holes look.
2. If you can't have your soul professionally extracted, position yourself between Dane Cook and Kid Rock. Same difference.
3. If you're not already being perpetually swept along in the terrible cold winds of the purgatory you chose for yourself, then go ahead and descend the stairs to the hottest club in Vegas. You know, the one that looks like the low-ceilinged Karaoke Bar/Disco on a Carnival cruise ship.
4. Two words: Axe Effect. Two more words: Drink it. This way you'll start sweating Axe from the inside out.
5. Have Kid Rock flip the bird and Dane Cook throw the SuperFinger™—this creates a kind of tuning fork that, when struck, sends out douche vibrations throughout the club in a 15-foot radius. Now you're ready to preserve this moment for all time.
6. Retweet that shit. Boom. 2am nailed down Vegas-style.
In case you're wondering why Piven isn't wearing a fedora in the pic above like his fellow insufferables, there are only two logical explanations: either the ground shook so violently when the these three forces of awfulness came together that the hat was knocked from his head, or the fedora made a harmless joke about Piven's "mercury poisoning," and Piven ripped it to shreds with his bare hands like an Axe-scented, humorless bear cub before someone could tell him that hats don't talk.
That is the way of the Piven. Prey 4 him.