Sometimes I feel sorry for Abby, my girlfriend who is constantly bombarded by questions and theories and comments from me that neither pertain to her, nor interest her.
One such instance occurred recently after watching, in succession, a movie starring Ryan Reynolds called “Just Friends” and a movie starring Dane Cook called “Employee of the Month.”*
*Before I go any further, I want to point out that Ryan Reynolds and Dane Cook, for acting purposes, are the same guy. They are completely interchangeable. Both always play the male lead who’s kind of a jerk (usually on purpose) but comes around in the end, while making lots of pithy insults along the way and pretending not to care.
This was the thought that “Just Friends” and “Employee of the Month” inspired: Who is writing all these bad movies, do they know they’re bad while they’re writing them, and, if so, why not just write a good one?
To be clear, I’m not including movies made by nobodies, here. I’m not suggesting it’s easy to make a good movie. Most people can’t do it. But these are major studios with big budgets and access to the best writers, producers and directors in the world. They could make a better movie than “Just Friends” (I think).
That was the thought.
These are the facts:
“Just Friends” was written by a guy named Adam “Tex” Davis, who has not written anything else I’ve heard of (although according to Wikipedia he did write a movie called “Spring Break Lawyer”). This in no way means he is a bad writer. It’s just that the only thing of his I’ve seen isn’t very good. (Heaven knows I’ve written a lot of bad stories that could be used against me.)
“Employee of the Month” was co-written by Don Calame and Chris Conroy, neither of which has written anything I’ve heard of, both of which also co-wrote something on television called “Hounded” (2001). Again, same rules apply. In fact, it turns out that Calame is a published book author.
Out of curiosity, I looked up some other bad comedies on IMDB to see who wrote them. Here is a list:
Blades of Glory
Plot (courtesy IMDB): “In 2002, two rival Olympic ice skaters were stripped of their gold medals and permanently banned from men’s single competition. Presently, however, they’ve found a loophole that will allow them to qualify as a pairs team.”
Writer: Jeff Cox
Other work: None.
Lead actor(s): Will Ferrell, Jon Heder
Plot (courtesy IMDB): “Berated all his life by those around him, a monk follows his dream and dons a mask to moonlight as a Luchador (Mexican wrestler).”
Writer: Jared Hess
Other work: Napoleon Dynamite
Lead actor(s): Jack Black
The House Bunny
Plot (courtesy IMDB): “When Shelly, a Playboy bunny, is tossed out of the mansion, she has nowhere to go until she falls in with the sorority girls from Zeta Alpha Zeta. The members of the sorority – who also have got to be the seven most socially clueless women on the planet – are about to lose their house. They need a dose of what only the eternally bubbly Shelley can provide… but they will each learn on their own to stop pretending to be what others want them to be and start being themselves.”
Writer(s): Karen McCullah Lutz, Kirsten Smith
Other work: “She’s the Man,” “Legally Blonde,” “10 Things I Hate About You”; Same.
Lead actor(s): Anna Faris, Hugh Hefner.
Who’s Your Caddy?
Plot (courtesy IMDB): “When a rap mogul from Atlanta tries to join a conservative country club in the Carolinas he runs into fierce opposition from the board President- but it’s nothing that he and his entourage can’t handle.”
Writer: Don Michael Paul
Other work: Half Past Dead, Half Past Dead 2
Lead actor(s): Big Boi, Faizon Love, Finesse Mitchell
This is obviously a very scientific study I’ve conducted here. But two things jump out at me:
1) It is likely that the writer of a bad comedy has either not written anything else of note, or specializes in writing bad comedies.
2) Although I cannot demonstrate this with facts, it seems to me that, somewhere along the way, the people in charge probably have conversations like this:
Studio Suit: “Will Ferrell, he’s so hot right now. Do we have anything we could put him in?”
Lower Level Suit: “Not at the moment. Let me call Bad Comedy Writer and see if he can whip something up.”
30 minutes Later, on conference call …
Bad Comedy Writer: “What if I wrote something where we could put Will Ferrell and Mike Ditka together in a standard sports movie plot, only with lots of yelling, often at little kids, and shots to the package?”
Studio Suit: “Sure, whatever. Why did I need to be on this conference call? Just have it done by tomorrow morning.”
Being a bad comedy writer seems like a terrific gig to me. Perhaps I’m wrong, but it seems like almost anybody could write a movie as good as “Just Friends” or “The House Bunny,” partially because some variation of those movies have been written 1,000 times already. I imagine these writers leaning back in their desk chairs after sending off the script and thinking, “I can’t believe somebody is going to pay money to see that” and then cashing a check for $100,000.
I’m assuming these people are good enough to write better movies, but generally choose not to because there’s no incentive.