so yeah, the other night i was hangin around and my room mate asked if i wanted to watch a movie. "what movie?" i asked. "how about that dumb and shitty looking movie Colombiana?"
Colombiana made so little sense it's fucking astounding. basically it's a revenge movie with some of the least deep or relatable characters out of any film in recent memory. the plot was asinine--and visually the whole movie had a hideous yellowish tint to it. good thing they got that set of tits Zoe Salami to play the lead otherwise literally no one would have seen this insipid smut. although come to think of it, i think i recognized some of the other actors from the city street corners n shit.
at the start of the film, the main character Cattleya is still a little girl. we learn literally nothing about her other than the fact that she's excellent at sitting perfectly still and staring straight into the camer while her deadbeat criminal parents are murdered offscreen.
Word, I was actually kind of with her for a second there cos like fuck those parents they were shitty. ur supposed to feel happy when bad guys get killed but not Cattleya. No, instead she wants revenge on the shmuck who orchistrated her parents' murders. u'd figure a pile of shit movie like this would just skip ahead in time until she's an adult but no, not yet. instead young Cattleya runs away from the thugs who killed her parents and performs a number of retarted acrobatic manuvers like leaping in the air while cartwheeling over a taxi, climing a building, and boxing a kangaroo. after all that shit happens she meets up in america some how with her relatives or some shit. the story and characters were so underdeveloped it's tough to determine exactly what Cattleya's relationship to these ppl was. all i kno is that they're literally just as bad as Catt's parents cos like there's this scene where her uncle or whatever just like shoots a car a bunch of times for no real reason other than to demonstrate to Cattleya what a shit he is.
so then she's in jail. she gets herself arrested and dresses and undresses over and over until she escapes her cell, kills some guy, and then sneaks back into her own cell. I'm learning so much about her character.....
anyways, eventually the cops catch wind of Cattleya's plans to kill everyone who helped kill her parents. at this point there were many characters in the movie, but it was had to keep track of them since they all acted exactly the same. Damn u kno i literally just remembered there was also a love interest character but damn it was such a forgetable scene, buried in a movie entirely compiled of forgetable scenes. At the end of the movie she kills the bad guys and gets away or some thing who cares.
NOTE!* If you know a movie that deserves to be reviewed by Rude Sam "The Original" then go ahead and post it in the comments section, and maybe I'll get around to it some time.