S.—What stuff a fool may talk! No true soldier would pit a serpent against a brave enemy. These worms were sailors.
F.—A nice distinction, truly! Did you ever, my most acute professor of vivisection, employ your trenchant blade in the splitting of hairs?
S.—I have split masses of them.
* * * * *
FOOL.—Speaking of the Crusades: at the siege of Acre, when a part of the wall had been thrown down by the Christians, the Pisans rushed into the breach, but the greater part of their army being at dinner, they were bloodily repulsed.
SOLDIER.—You appear to have a minute acquaintance with military history.
F.—Yes—being a fool. But was it not a sin and a shame that those feeders should not stir from their porridge to succour their suffering comrades?
S.—Pray why should a man neglect his business to oblige a friend?
F.—But they might have taken and sacked the city.
S.—The selfish gluttons!
* * * * *
SOLDIER.—Your presumption grows intolerable; I’ll hold no further parley with thee.
FOOL.—“Herculean gentleman, I dread thy drubs; pity the lifted whites of both my eyes!”
S.—Then speak no more of the things you do but imperfectly understand.
F.—Such censorship would doom all tongues to silence. But show me wherein my knowledge is deficient.
S.—What is an abattis?
F.—Rubbish placed in front of a fort, to keep the rubbish outside from getting at the rubbish inside.
S.—Egad! I’ll part thy hair!
THE GRATEFUL BEAR.
I hope all my little readers have heard the story of Mr. Androcles and the lion; so I will relate it as nearly as I can remember it, with the caution that Androcles must not be confounded with the lion. If I had a picture representing Androcles with a silk hat, and the lion with a knot in his tail, the two might readily be distinguished; but the artist says he won’t make any such picture, and we must try to get on without.
One day Androcles was gathering truffles in a forest, when he found a lion’s den; and, walking into it, he lay down and slept. It was a custom, in his time, to sleep in lions’ dens when practicable. The lion was absent, inspecting a zoological garden, and did not return until late; but he did return. He was surprised to find a stranger in his menagerie without a ticket; but, supposing him to be some contributor to a comic paper, did not eat him: he was very well satisfied not to be eaten by him. Presently Androcles awoke, wishing he had some seltzer water, or something. (Seltzer water is good after a night’s debauch, and something—it is difficult to say what—is good to begin the new debauch with). Seeing the lion eyeing him, he began hastily