Forgiving the Ex, Part II
In a post last week, I discussed the negative effects of persistent anger against a former spouse, including the harm to their children. I suggested that maybe lawmakers need to encourage divorced parents to forgive each other. As I write this sentence, I realize how naïve and simplistic that sounds. How are lawmakers supposed to help people forgive a former spouse who abused, betrayed, or neglected them? Doesn’t encouraging people to forgive suggest that their anger is unwarranted? Doesn’t it suggest that the injurer’s actions were justified or that one is condoning or excusing her wrongful and unjust behavior? Well, no. Forgiveness does not mean that the forgiver does not have a right to be angry. To the contrary, the person who forgives chooses to “abandon [her] right to resentment . . . toward one who unjustly injured [her] while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity and even love toward [the injurer].” Enright et al. (1999).
When asked if they have considered forgiving someone who has hurt them deeply, people often reply that the other person “doesn’t deserve forgiveness.” That may be so, but one does not forgive for the injurer’s benefit, but for one’s own benefit and possibly, for the benefits to one’s children. As I discussed in my earlier post, forgiveness may reduce anger and its negative effects on one’s physical and psychological health and parenting abilities. It might also reduce some of the destructive behaviors some parents engage in after divorce such as interfering with the other parent’s access to the children or disparaging him or her in front of the children. It might also enable some former spouses to cooperate as co-parents in their children’s upbringing. The question is not why divorced parents should forgive, but rather how can they be encouraged to do so?
Most people who have been deeply hurt do not consciously consider forgiving. Some researchers believe that most people need to be taught how to forgive and their work suggests it is possible to facilitate forgiveness in six to eight group sessions. Psychologists, such as Robert Enright and Everett Worthington, have used forgiveness interventions to help participants forgive offenses such as neglect, marital infidelity, and parental-love deprivation. Although social scientists have developed different forgiveness models, they all have certain elements in common. They all ask participants to acknowledge the pain the other person has caused them and the anger that they are feeling as a result. They also teach participants what forgiveness is (abandoning one’s right to resentment) and what it is not (excusing, condoning, or forgetting the hurtful and unjust behavior, giving up one’s desire for justice (i.e., punishment of a battering spouse), or reconciling with the injurer). They also encourage participants to attempt to understand the injurer’s background and experiences, not for the purpose of excusing the behavior, but rather to foster empathy. Finally, they encourage participants to consider forgiving and, if possible, to commit to forgiving. This does not mean that the person will forget the harm or that all of the angry feelings will go away immediately. To the contrary, even after deciding to forgive, the injured person is likely to recall the hurt and become angry again, but by committing to forgiveness, he will continue to try and let go of the anger and try to feel empathy and compassion for the other person.
Participants in forgiveness interventions have reported fewer negative feelings toward the injurer than the control group. They have also reported a greater willingness to forgive. One forgiveness intervention, Forgiveness and Divorce: Can Group Interventions Facilitate Forgiveness of a Former Spouse?, assigned 149 divorced individuals to one of three groups (1) a secular forgiveness group, (2) a religiously integrated forgiveness group, or (3) a wait-list control group. The group sessions discussed feelings of betrayal, coping with anger towards the former spouse, forgiveness education, preventing relapse (holding on to forgiveness), and closure. Although there were no differences between the secular and religiously integrated forgiveness groups, participants in these two groups self-reported similarly higher levels of forgiveness and lower depression than the wait-list control group.
Many states require divorcing parents to participate in parenting education and mediation of custody disputes, in part, to reduce inter-parental anger and help parents understand how their anger negatively affects their children. Given the potential benefits of forgiveness, lawmakers should consider requiring, or at least recommending, that angry, divorced parents participate in forgiveness interventions. Many people are probably skeptical of the law’s ability to cultivate forgiveness between divorced parents. In my next post, I will discuss how lawmakers have already attempted to facilitate forgiveness in other contexts and address some of the objections to this proposal.