Encountering children sometimes fills me with dread. I don’t want to be the scary person they see. Children are curious, but they can be cruel too – even if unintentionally – and their words and actions can impact adults and children in the same way.
I once stayed with a family who I thought should have known better. A family who has known me my whole life. They should have been prepared. For two days I endured two children – aged six and eight – not looking at me. Being afraid. Not speaking to me unless prompted by their parents. It was tiring.
I spent much of the time being polite and smiling my discomfort away, trying to make conversation. I asked the children’s parents if I should explain about my skin. “No,” they said. Then I asked the kids straight out in front of their parents if they wanted to ask me anything about my face. “No,” they said. And still no conversation was made. In the end I told them, “I’m not talking to you if you’re not talking to me.”
Their parents put their behaviour down to shyness. I’ve seen the reactions of enough children to know they were not shy. What made it worse was that there was someone else staying over that the children had not met and they did not react to them like they did around me.
I had hoped the family would have prepared the children for my visit. I had hoped (especially in this age of social media) they would have seen my photo and been encouraged to ask polite questions. I had hoped that they were a little more appreciative of diversity. It was a difficult stay. I find it especially difficult that I didn’t feel I could raise this issue with the children’s parents – I was a guest in their home.
But my experiences have not always been bad. I have a great memory of a time at my day job when my manager had her seven year-old nephew and his parents visit at work one day. I’d heard lots about him, especially about his intelligence and confidence, and was excited to meet him. We chatted for about 15 minutes – about lots of things like school and what he was going to do when he turned 18. I could see him looking at me curiously. I smiled and continued our conversation about everything else but my skin. When he left he said, “Bye Carly”, waved his hand around his face and said, “I hope your face will get better soon”. It was such an emotional moment for me – he was clearly concerned and very thoughtful. I didn’t want to break his heart by saying it won’t get better. And so I said, “Thank you”.
I do believe in educating children about diversity – after all, it’s future generations who will change the world.
Children are curious about people with visible differences – because it’s unusual and often a new experience. Children can also be fearful. I think this type of fear comes from people with visible differences represented as characterised villains in movies. Bit it also evolves because of the way parents talk to their kids about – and expose their children to – diversity.
So what would be my advice for preparing children for meeting a person with a visible difference?
Talk to your children
Tell your child that everyone is different – people come in all colours and sizes and have lots of different skills. Talk to your child regularly about diversity. I am a strong believer that the responsibility to teach diversity lies with the parents.
Don’t make something up as an answer for your child.
I hate a parent telling their child that I’ve ‘been stupid in the sun’. I’d prefer them to say, “I don’t know honey, maybe this woman would like to tell us about why she’s got a red face?”
Prepare your child for your friend who has a visible difference
Show them a picture. Tell them your friend may do things a little differently to them – like use a wheelchair because they are unable to walk, or put cream on their face or use a device that helps them to see, hear or talk. Tell them it’s OK to ask questions. Tell them it’s not OK to be rude.
Don’t provide an excuse if they are rude or scared – like shyness
If you encounter a stranger with a visible difference, encourage your child to say hello and preface the question with, “I hope you don’t mind me asking … “.
Don’t be offended if I don’t want to explain my visible difference
Just like when adults approach me, when children approach me and make a noisy scene it can be tiring experience. It’s a fine balance!
Should the person with a visible difference speak up and explain the way they look to curious or rude children?
I understand that it can be embarrassing if your child asks questions about someone’s visible difference. The shrieking, the repeated whys, the candidness. It can be hard for people with visible differences to answer these questions, especially if they’re not confident. Don’t be offended if a person with a visible difference or their parent is hurt by innocent questions.
Sometimes I wonder if parents want me to speak up if their child doesn’t ask me about my skin directly. If I see a child looking at me, or looking scared, I say, “Hello”. A simple hello places us as equals and reassures them that there’s nothing to be scared about.
Most of the time I smile at a curious child and then I usually say, “Everyone is different, I was born this way – like you were born with your blue eyes”. Most of the time they understand and move on to discuss how they’re different, too.
What advice do you have about teaching children about diversity?
More from Kidspot:
- Does hoping for a healthy baby discriminate against the disabled?
- How to bring up compassionate kids
- A world without empathy
- Handling other people’s reactions from Changing Faces
- 10 great children’s books celebrating difference from Blessed By Brenna
- Carly Findley from her website