It happens with even the most angelic children: One day they look at you, open their sweet mouths -- and lie to you. The good news is, children have rational reasons to lie -- and lying doesn't mean your child is going to turn into a sociopath.
Ally Burr-Harris, a licensed clinical psychologist at the Children's Program in Southwest Portland and a mother of three children ages 6 to 16, talked with Omamas about why elementary school kids lie, and the best way for parents to respond.
Burr-Harris listed four reasons children lie:
Getting attention: "Kids sometimes impulsively lie as a way to gain acceptance or ensure friendship or impress others," Burr-Harris said. Such lies tend to be dramatic, such as a child saying she owns a pony when she doesn't, or that if her friends come over to her house, her mom will buy them each a Barbie.
In that type of situation, Burr-Harris said, the lies are a signal that the child is anxious about being able to sustain her friendships or is seeking social validation, and might need some help with that.
Getting what they want or avoiding what they don't want: This kind of lying is also about kids testing the limits of what they can get away with, Burr-Harris said. "It's a bit parallel to adults trying to see where they can speed and not get a ticket."
Parents can help by not setting kids up to lie, Burr-Harris said. "Know the situation where they might be tempted to lie." Then reframe your questions. Instead of asking, "Have you done your homework?" or "Have you brushed your teeth?" ask, "Are you ready to show me your homework?" or "Are you ready for me to smell your minty breath?"
Feeling stressed: Children also lie when they fear they're going to be busted or they fear disapproval or punishment.
Burr-Harris advised parents to focus on broken rules and consequences rather than the lie itself, especially because stress lies tend to be impulsive lies. If you catch your child breaking a rule, she suggested saying, "I hope you'll trust me enough to tell me the truth," or "I want you to take some time and think about what you want to tell me."
That builds in a delay so a child can work calmly toward the goal of giving you an honest answer, rather than blurting out another lie. "Once kids do impulsively lie, it's very hard to backtrack out of it," Burr-Harris said.
Burr-Harris emphasized that a parent should not demand a child 'fess up even when the parent knows for a certainty the child is lying. "It invites a power struggle," she said. "Most kids, if you create this kind of power struggle, will just hold tighter to the lie and wrap it up in a even bigger lie. You're actually training the kid to be a better liar."
An example: You make brownies to take to a potluck, you tell your child not to eat them, he does anyway and then he lies about it, blaming the dog. Burr-Harris' suggested response: Tell your child that you now do not have a potluck contribution, that you're upset about him not listening to you and that as a consequence, he must provide you with a new dessert for the potluck.
Copying Mom and Dad: One type of lie that parents often overlook, even while they're modeling it, is the white lie: "Don't tell Grandma that you don't like her present."
White lies can help smooth social and family relations, but Burr-Harris cautioned parents to acknowledge that white lies are still lies and that telling them sends kids a message about honesty.
Burr-Harris also shared these general tips:
Celebrate honesty. "Look for those moments when kids can stick to the truth" and praise them for it, Burr-Harris advised. If a child spills something and admits it, say you're glad that he took responsibility. If she admits she wasn't truthful, thank her for the admission.
Don't take it personally. "When kids lie about something blatant, it's often a trigger for parents," Burr-Harris said. Some parents consider the lie a personal attack: "How dare he do this to me!" A lie at this age isn't a catastrophe, Burr-Harris said.
Help kids save face. Children will often come up with cover stories to back out of lies, such as, "I forgot to tell you about part of it," or "I was just kidding." Tempting as it may be to pounce -- "Oh, you forgot, did you?" -- Burr-Harris recommends against that. Instead, she suggests: "I'm so glad you thought about it and remembered that extra detail."
Teach them to think before they speak. "A lot of times kids lie because their mouth goes faster than their brain," Burr-Harris said. She often uses a toy car to help children visualize emotions. She tells kids, "Calm is the only one that should have a driver's license." And if anger or fear try to take over the wheel, "you gotta pull over -- they're lousy drivers."
BabyCenter offers these additional tips on how to teach honesty to children.