A long day is drawing to an end. For my children, whose faces I can make out in the dark of the night, the day is already done. They sleep peacefully, their little bodies heaving and sighing with every breath. I am usually so keyed up throughout the day, that I don't notice every opportunity you give me to have a laugh and share a smile with them. You are very generous with all those moments, and I am such a miser with all my love. Why such a difference, Lord? Why can you not make me your perfect instrument? Why am I so hopelessly flawed?
Yet, I know you are kind. You give a beautiful vision of clarity once in a while, where, just for a moment, I can glimpse right into the very heart of them, and feel what they feel, when they are at the receiving end of me. And when I thus become one with them, my whole heart is filled with so much of pain and compassion. Its not easy being them either. Its not easy being a child, who has no authority. Its not easy being told what to do all day long. Instruction after instruction belted out, in very impatient tones, hardly aware of the effect of such a thing. Words spoken in haste, actions stemming from harshness, a cold withering look, impatience to listen, overruling in a second.....how easily and how much all this becomes a habit.
Dear Lord....when will good intention ever meet action, not in random bursts of inspiration, but as a consistent and concerted effort? When will I have enough kindness both towards myself and my children to be a loving mother? Why do I always have to struggle so much for it everyday, think myself to distraction and yet not have something of substance to go on??? Why is it so hard to be the kind of parent that You are to me....the steadiest, most reliable presence in my life, giving, giving, always giving endlessly, in a manner of peace, with so much room for me to grow and make mistakes, with so much of acceptance for my mistakes, and with an overflow of love whenever I turn to You.....why am I a shadow of that only for a shadow of a time, and not more?
Why do You give us free will, if it is always God's will at the end of the day? Why can you not take over for me when I mistakes? Why do You always wait to be asked first, when you know I love you? Is that not a sign of your own Ego now? There are days when I simply cannot fathom or accept why You put us through the struggle everyday! Why do you wonder Who you are, and why are we suffering from the veil of illusion as a result??? Why should the Truth be so out of reach, with so few resources thrown our way to aid in the path. I did not ask for this jungle of earthly existence. I did not ask to be separated from You...
Today, as I drove to work, You whispered a thought to me......that having Faith meant never asking....Why me? and instead questioning....What should I do now? And as I listened, I heard you tell me...that the first question stemmed from passivity or non-doing, which is fruitless, and the second question exhorts action or doing...which is constructive. Well....everything is beautiful in theory and thought, but breaks down in application. Thereby the irony arises...where the beautiful theory now wears passivity's cloak and application and the failure therefrom equates to the action, which was to have been constructive.
But of course, You counter.....God helps those who help themselves!
Granted!! So dear Lord, grant me the will and strength of character to come through with honour and dignity. Help me be a good mother, the kind you will look fondly upon, the kind who knows she's done her best, as she goes to bed everyday...because right now, I firmly lack that conviction. Right now, I almost cannot bear that the day is done and another opportunity lost to be happy together. Right now, I am unable to look to tomorrow as yet another canvas You gift to me, to paint my colours on, and to this night as the moment of rest before the task. If I sleep fitfully tonight, it will only be due to an act of extreme mercy from You....