Malibu, California -- In what is becoming an increasingly distressing and common trend for over privileged rich kids, Lindsay Lohan highs are leading to numerous hospitalizations and in some cases death.
"Riding the Lohan" or "Licking Red Fuzz" as it is known is the recent but deadly practice of licking Lindsay Lohan's flesh to get a buzz. Similar to licking certain species' of South American toads, Lohan's skin produces a hallucinogenic toxin that causes lickers to feel a sense of euphoria immediately followed by acute revulsion.
"It's the best high ever, way better than licking anything on Britney" said one teen who refused to give a name. "Lindsay just oozes all this stuff that makes your brain all warm and melty." While science may not describe it exactly the same way, Dr. Martin Wishmore of the University of Southern California notes that Lohan excretions contain unsafe levels of thujone, psylocybin and a substance, chemically similar to LSD and only found in Lohan, dubbed "Skankrocin."
"What's fascinating is that the levels of the toxin, along with residual traces of numerous alcohols, should be enough to kill a horse, yet Lohan seems fine. Fine for her, anyway," says Wishmore. Teens, however, don't seem to care about the potential dangers. When informed of a rash of recent incidents involving Lohan lickers falling into comas, losing bowel control and, in the case of a San Diego youth purported to have licked Lohan's darkest crevasses, death.
"The risk is part of the thrill, man," said a 17-year-old La Jolla girl. "It's like...you don't know where Lindsay's been. But you're licking it anyway. It's such a rush."
Local law enforcement have expressed trepidation but note that, to date, Lohan is still legal to walk the streets and though licking her may be morally reprehensible and less than sanitary, it's not illegal.
"This is the same thing that happened with Dana Plato back in the 80's," says Lt. Gerry Fischer of the LAPD. "Our hands were tied then too."