Sweet Little Nothings
[Curtain Opens. Boy and Girl stand on stage.] 1st Boy: "Wel, Wel, Welcome to the Christmas play . . ."
[Stage whisper from off-stage]
1st Boy: [louder]: "Welcome to the EASTER play."
[Parents play paparazzi.]
1st Girl: [twisting back and forth] "We’d like to thank the Easter Bunny, Jesus, and our pilgrim forefathers for this lovely holiday."
[Front row heads turn. Quick debate between Principal and second grade teacher.]
[Children swarm onto the stage. Most are dressed like eggs. The ones with lazy parents are dressed in brown, supposedly to look like chocolate.]
All: [Singing with a piano] "Thanks for all the candy eggs, Thanks for all the fun and games, Thanks to parents who love us so, by letting us eat all the cookie dough."
[Fierce whispering in front row. Principal debates the wisdom of permitting the second grade teacher to write original lyrics.]
2nd Boy: [staring at the front row prompters] "Muslims celebrate Easter, too." [long pause] "They just call it Ramadan, and fast all day instead of eating Easter candy."
[Principal buries head in hands. Second grade teacher continues to teleprompt.]
2nd Girl: [grabbing her skirt nervously] "We hide eggs because the pilgrims were so hungry they had to hide their eggs from the Indians."
[Janitor comes in dressed like the Easter Bunny. After each squat, he removes an Easter Egg from his backside and hands one to every child. He looks about as happy as a squatting janitor dressed up as a bunny could look.]
All: [reciting, guided by second grade teacher waving her hands like a conductor] "Our parents are so wonderful, we just want to give back."
[Two children approach the front of the stage and put their eggs in the basket, as intended. But one boy chucks his egg into the auditorium. The children watch, then follow like lemmings. Chocolate eggs hail down.]
[Eyes, noses, foreheads are bruised. Only one father, clearly a sports fanatic who enjoys flying projectiles, cheers and tries to catch them. Principal stands up, waving his arms like a flight deck coordinator. Curtain falls prematurely.]
[Second grade teacher demoted to choir director. Janitor spends two weeks cleaning chocolate off auditorium seats. School cancels future Easter plays, spends money on distributing huge baskets of candy to every child. Children grin, stuff themselves. Play has a happy ending.]