WINNIE THE POOH
Congratulations to Disney Studios for their successful 're-boot' of their money-spinning Winnie-the-Pooh franchise with a new animated movie. We're not so sure, after seeing the scripy, that letting Tim Burton do the 're-imagining' was entirely the right thing to do.
TIM BURTON'S WINNIE THE POOH
SCENE: Hundred Acre Wood, day. POOH, PIGLET, TIGGER and CHRISTOPHER ROBIN enter left, marching and singing
ALL: We're going for a picnic!
Just little old you!
And little old me!
ALL EXIT RIGHT
CAPTION: SEVERAL HOURS LATER
SCENE: Hundred Acre Wood, sunset. POOH, TIGGER AND CHRISTOPER ROBIN are in a gloomy clearing, the trees behind them make menacing shapes
CHRISTOPER ROBIN: Are you sure this picnic was such a good idea?
TIGGER: Tiddly pom! [BURP]
CHRISTOPER ROBIN: And another thing - where's Piglet?
WINNIE THE POOH: He's gone to find help
[POOH wipes his mouth with the back of a bloodied paw]
WINNIE THE POOH: Yes. Help. Tiddly-help
[FADE TO BLACK, CHRISTOPER ROBIN screams, screams become strangled chokes, then silence]
SCENE: Elsewhere in the Hundred Acre Wood. ROO is playing with a ball. Owl is sitting on the lower branch of a tree.
ROO: Come on, Owl! Play ball with me!
OWL: You do realise that while you are a small baby mammal, I myself am a bird of prey, commonly known in this post-Spielberg age as a "raptor". Now, if you don't mind, it's well past my dinner-time…
OWL swoops down from his branch
[FADE TO BLACK, there is a short, final crunch of beak against all-too-fragile bone]
SCENE: Elsewhere in the Hundred Acre Wood. Eeyore stands by the edge of his stream
EEYORE: Hey kids! It's your happy-go-lucky pal Eeyore! And guess what? Somebody's sent me a present. Let's see what it is!
EEYORE opens a small, square package. Yes, I know he hasn't got opposable thumbs - the animation wallahs can sort something out
EEYORE: YES! YES! FUCK YES! It's a CD by someone called Leonard Cohen! Let's give it a spin, eh chums?
[FADE TO BLACK. Leonard Cohen music starts. Gunshot]