Police forces across Britain are preparing themselves for scenes of violence and disorder following 6 May, when hundreds of criminals are likely to be released into the community.
These individuals – known as ‘honourable members’ – are part of the notorious ‘Labour Commons’ gang that controlled parts of London for many years.
Since 1997 they have been able to use a combination of scare-mongering, intimidation and indolence to get their own way, even changing sides if someone made it worth their while. But following an election these hardened criminals could soon be joining the ranks of the underclass known as NEEPs – ‘not in education, employment or politics’.
“The trouble is, these people have been making their own rules for so long they no longer know how to behave in normal society” Jon Bracewell, a spokesperson for the Association of Chief Police Officers, commented yesterday.
“They have no transferable skills, no prospects for the future. Thank goodness for the recent price rise in cider or they’d probably all be out of their tiny minds on Scrumpy Jack as well.”
Some of these individuals will have lost their seats. Some will be so confused about which is their primary residence, having flipped it so many times, that they’ll be completely unable to remember where they live and end up sleeping rough at The Athaeneum or ‘popping round to see Anna-Marie – oh hang on – it’s not Thursday is it…’.
There is some good news, however, as at least three of the individuals most at risk – known as Byers, Hoon and Hewitt – have shown some interest in starting a youth training programme which will give them an honest wage and a decent future. But sadly, the stain of being a politician will sit on their CVs for many years to come…