We all have ultra-high hopes for Marvel's Agents of SHIELD, the television spin-off of The Avengers. Will all the characters turn out to be Skrulls? We hope so. But if this show becomes a huge hit, the studios could decide to crank out more TV shows based on popular films. Here are the 10 worst TV shows that could result.
Top image created by the ultra-talented John Pedigo for io9.
1) Indiana Jones: The Mutt Chronicles
Yep, a TV show about Indiana's son. Shia LaBeouf is probably about ready to make the leap to television, the way Kevin Bacon and Kevin Spacey have lately. Just imagine Mutt traveling around in the 1950s, on his cool motorcycle, like one of the Wild Ones, stealing native artifacts while heating up the Cold War with his Muttly charms.
2) Zion Nights
Who is that guy who runs the rave club that we glimpse in The Matrix: Reloaded? What does he do in his off hours? (I almost wrote "Hoff Hours.") Seriously, this could be the fun-but-gritty story about running a nightclub under the constant threat of spider-bot attack. How do you get Lysol in Zion? You know they need a lot of disinfectant after one of those rave parties. A lot of subplots could revolve around the wacky chemist who makes all their tabs of ecstasy.
3) Howard Mierzwiak, Therapist
Yes, a show about the doctor from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It could be a sitcom, sort of in the vein of the first Bob Newhart show. Every week, Howard helps some patients by erasing their memories, but then wackiness ensues because they can't remember where they put their car keys. Or possibly, they wind up in a hilarious coma.
4) The Lord of Darkness' Extreme Makeovers
So Ridley Scott's Legend is a cult movie rather than a box office hit. But it's become a beloved classic, at this point. And the main thing we remember about this film is that the Lord of Darkness (Tim Curry) gives a gothy makeover to Mia Sara's character that apparently turns her evil. So how about a show where every week, Tim Curry (or someone pretending to be Tim Curry) gives evil makeovers to bright young people? There could be a competition aspect to it — the person whose makeover is the most successful gets to kill a unicorn at the end of every episode.
5) The Malakili Chronicles
For those of you who haven't obsessively watched Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi a thousand times, Malakili is the Rancor trainer who weeps great tears when Luke Skywalker kills the carnivorous Rancor. (And according to Wookieepedia, there are a huge amount of semi-canonical stories about Malkili, including a video game and some comics. Of course there are.) So what about a TV show where Malakili goes around collecting and training wild specimens on Tatooine and other planets? Sort of a mash-up of those Animal Planet shows about people who live with alligators, and a National Geographic special about exploring nature? And then he trains these creatures to gobble up unsuspecting Jedi.
6) Elizabeth and the Head
Maybe we'll still get a sequel to Prometheus, where we get to find out what happened to Noomi Rapace's character after she blasted off with the severed head of David the android. But why do a movie, when you could have a TV show? Every week, Elizabeth Shaw and her robot head friend go around the universe, solving mysteries and getting Elizabeth into different weird medical scrapes. (Another idea: an Office-style show about people who work at Weyland Yutani, although that actually sounds like it could be good.)
7) Pintel and Ragetti, Detectives
Yeah, a show about the two "comic relief" characters from the Pirates of the Caribbean films. Why not? After they leave the Black Pearl for the final time, they set themselves up as private detectives, solving ghostly mysteries. And every week, they have to dress up in funny costumes to confuse people who are chasing them. There could be musical numbers. It would be awesome, right?
8) We're The Ents
Basically, a show about the Ents from the Lord of the Rings movies. Most of the time, it would just look like very slow footage of trees doing nothing. Okay, that's what it would look like all the time. It would be a very cheap show to make, and very relaxing to watch.
9) Space Stewardesses
What if that Pan-Am show from a couple years ago had been about the flight attendants from 2001: A Space Odyssey? How hard must it be to get a new pair of stockings if you get a run in one of them during a space flight? Also, how do you stay glamorous in microgravity? How many of those flight attendants are secretly spies, or writing a tell-all book, or sleeping with HAL? Every week could be another wacky mishap, like "one of the passengers has turned into a giant baby AGAIN. Where did we put the giant diapers?"
10) The Agent Simmons Adventures
And finally, John Turturro's beloved character from the Transformers movies. We've seen him get peed on by robots, and standing under giant robot testicles — but we haven't really explored his character in detail. We need a whole TV show where he works at his mom's Jewish deli while investigating robot mysteries. Every week, the lox-slicing machine turns out to be a Decepticon, or he runs out of the gravlax. The possibilities are finite!
Thanks to Ben, Lauren, Annalee and Genevieve for suggestions!