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“GO SUCK A JUNGLE BUNNY!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your NIGNOG is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your padlock.
edit Complete Unabridged history of MOTHERFUCKER use
edit First usage
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age apathetically touched his TITTYWANK lockpick and was so dissatisfied by the results that he ablated a SHITHEAD and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the furry scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their RAT'S COCK mammoth hunts.The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of FUCK YOU-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a PENIS ON A STICK for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
edit Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say FUCKHEAD. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted BUTTFUCKER until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
edit Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody DICK tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some FUCKSTAIN, do you savvy, you AUTOFELLATIOS?"
edit Modern ProfanityThough the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie PISSS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called SEMEN-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey JESUS H. FUCKING CHRIST ON A FUCKING BICYCLE, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
edit Advice from real KRAUT TITS & DICKS apple juices on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
edit The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!!
- MARGARET THATCHER!!!!!
edit The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You RAPE!!!
- You CLUSTER FUCK!!!!
edit Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable ConditionsBegin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- employ in FRAK, you IN SACREMENT!
- I hope you masturbate in DAGO, you DOM DeLUISE!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
edit The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This AUTOFELLATIO FUCKING A will bamboozle a mandate up your DICKFACE!!!
- This YUKKY DOODY NIGGER will castrate a muskrat up your FRIG!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
edit First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some DEVELOPERS! and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING glug a cigarette up your AY-AY-AY!!!!
edit The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- DICK CHICKEN IT'S OVER 9000! PORCUPINE'S BALLS BITCH JOHN ELWAY CUNT GOOD MORNING MR. PHELPS!!
- DICKHEAD DIPSHIT ASS WHO TOUCHED MY GUN?!?!!!
edit A bunch of FUCKER
ASSHOLE SHIT DYKE CAMEL JOCKEY BENSON SUCKS FUCKING MUGABE HAS AIDS RUSTY TROMBONE FUCK OFF CAPTAIN CRUNCH TITTIES SHITSLIDE JACKASS GOAT DICK [Insert lame, unfunny sentence with a single swear or ethnic slur here] JACKASS SHIT CUNNILINGUS CUNT FRITZ VANDALISM IS COOL PUNANI SCUMBAG JERK OFF MONKEY SHIT DAMN SAMUEL L. JACKSON SAGGY TITS FUCK NUGGET CHIGGER SHITHEAD ASSHAT SON OF A BITCH CARPET MUNCHER BONER NIGNOG DIPSHIT YOUR MOM ASSHOLE CRAPFUCKER CUNT WIKIPEDIA WHORE DONKEY DICK WANKER PORCH MONKEY DICKHEAD MALARKY FRITZ FUCKTARD INCEST SEX [expletive deleted] GARBAGE DAY! FUCK YOU HORSE SHIT DYKE DOUGHNUT PUNCHER NINTENDOGS FUCK YOU I'M FULL OF BATSHIT! PEDOPHILIA JERK OFF GENITALIA TACO ASS NIPPLES PUSSYLICKER SCROTUM RANDY TRAVIS YOU WANKER REBECCA BLACK SHITHEAD CONDOMS IS AMATA ALMODOVAR VOLUPTUOUS?! DOUCHING SPANK THE MONKEY BIRD SHIT IRATEGAMER LOVIN' SHITHEAD MONKEY SHIT JENKEM FAGGOT PENIS FUCK FUCKING FUCKFUCKER HORSE PENIS EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA FUCK YOU INBRED BITCH DIPSHIT FUCK FUCK YOU WANK JERRY HORSE SHIT SHITTY CHENEY DAMN TOSSER FUCKWIT TIT DIRT BALL SACK MUGABE HAS AIDS BOYCOTT VIACOM! SHITFUCKER BEAVERS
edit In Conclusion
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you BUGGER.