AKA: His Excellency, the President of South Africa.
Marital status: Married.
That's a shame. I go for older men, especially if they've got good jobs and homes in hot countries. You know what? I don't like that glint in your eye.
I'm not afraid of a bit of competition. Tell me about the current Mrs Zuma. Which one? He's been married five times, and is still with three of his brides. "There are plenty of politicians who have mistresses and children that they hide," he once said. "I prefer to be open."
A Mormon, is he? That would explain why he's always so nicely turned out. He's a Zulu, you ignoramus. As such, polygamy is his birthright.
Really? Well, it depends who you talk to. "Polygamy is something that is allowed in our constitution," says the South African columnist Justice Malala. "That, however, does not make it right . . . Polygamy is inherently undemocratic and oppressive of women."
Hmmm. What else should I know? He's not the most faithful of polygamists. A few weeks ago, he apologised for fathering a child by a friend's daughter. As far as anyone knows, it's his 20th kid. Then there's the sexual hygiene issue . . .
I'm afraid to ask. He seems to thinks soap and water can prevent HIV. In 2006, as he successfully fought an accusation of rape, he said he had showered after having sex because this "would minimise the risk of contracting the disease". Health campaigners were not amused.
I've gone right off him. Why are we talking about Mr Defective Zipper, anyway? Zuma starts a state visit to Britain tomorrow. Once he's dropped his suitcases off at Buckingham Palace, he'll be meeting Gordon Brown and David Cameron, and reassuring investors that South Africa isn't about to nationalise its industries.
That sounds a bit dull for such a ladies' man. I'm sure it's a coincidence that Cheryl Cole has just left her husband.
Do say: "We're putting you just down the corridor from Her Majesty."
Don't say: "You do know she and Philip don't share a bedroom?"