Why 2-year-olds tune out their parents
You ask your child to bring you the dirty wrapper she's picked up off the floor, but instead of handing it over, she turns and runs the other way, paper in hand. Why is she ignoring you?
As frustrating as this behavior may be, chalk it up to life with a 2-year-old. Your child's main purpose in life is to discover and begin to develop her autonomy, and ignoring you is part of this process.
What's more, your 2-year-old is practicing her assertive skills with the person she trusts most — namely you, points out Roni Leiderman, associate dean of the Family Center at Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Factor in, too, that her impulse control isn't well developed (yet).
So if you tell her not to play with the puppy's tail, the puppy's tail is likely to be all she can think of. Of course, at some point your child has to listen to you and leave the puppy alone. The key is getting her to cooperate while giving her space to practice her newfound autonomy.
What to do when your child ignores you
Be clear and realistic. Make sure your requests are specific and doable. Not only is "Clean up your room" too vague, it's way beyond a 2-year-old's capabilities.
"Please put your shoes in the closet" is more her speed. And rather than tell her "Get ready for dinner," try asking her to wash her hands and come to the table.
Both you and your youngster will also benefit if you take a moment to teach her a new task. Try not to assume that she knows how the dolls should be arranged on the shelf, for instance (unless you don't mind them lying in a heap). Show her how "they like to sit next to each other, looking out at your room."
Simplify your requests. Your child could be ignoring you because she doesn't understand what you're asking her to do. At age 2, kids need instructions with one or two steps at most ("Please go upstairs and find your shoes" or "Please come to Mommy and sit down beside me").
Follow through. If you ask your 2-year-old to bring you the dirty wrapper and she refuses, don't just pretend it didn't happen — go and get the wrapper from her. Likewise, when you tell her to get off the table and she ignores you, immediately lift her down yourself.
Motivate your 2-year-old. The truth is, we're all tempted to answer, "Because I said so!" But there are better ways to motivate your youngster to abide by your requests.
Try to remember that you don't want her to do the right thing because she's afraid not to. You want her to do the right thing because she wants to.
Two-year-olds love to please, so compliments and praise will go a long way toward getting yours to comply with your wishes. ("I'm so proud of you for getting your shoes on quickly" or "Wow, you sure are a good listener!")
You might also give your 2-year-old an incentive for doing what you ask: "When you put the dolls on the shelf, we can look at a book." (Hint: Don't say "If you put the dolls on the shelf.") Or try the sticker-and-chart approach — one sticker every time she responds on the first request, for instance, and maybe a new toy or a favorite treat when she collects four or five.
It's best not to overuse tangible rewards like stickers or toys, though. You don't want your child to expect a reward every time she does the right thing, or to stop doing the right thing if she doesn't get a reward.
Use alternatives to "no." If your child ignores you when you tell her no, maybe it's because she hears it too often. Try other approaches.
Instead of barking, "No! Don't kick the ball in the kitchen," for instance, say, "Let's go outside to play ball." And instead of telling her, "No, you can't have a piece of candy now," tell her, "You can have an apple or a kiwi," or "You can have a piece of candy after lunch." When you give a child a choice, you're giving her a chance to assert herself in an acceptable way.
Say yes instead of no whenever you can, too, and take every opportunity to encourage rather than dissuade her. When she's excited about the new, bigger slide at the park, say, "Sure, you can do it!" or "Let's try it together" — which sounds a lot more positive than "No, you're too little for that."
Of course, there will be plenty of times when you'll have to be firm about stopping her from running into the street or playing princess with Grandma's tea set. The point is, choose your battles and put your foot down only when you must. If you provide an environment that's both safe and stimulating (a hands-on children's museum as opposed to Estelle's Crystal Palace, for instance), your child can exercise her independence with few holds barred.
Try to be understanding. Imagine you're reading a novel or chatting with a friend when, all of a sudden, you're ordered to stop what you're doing because something else has to be done right now. The reality is that we don't always have time to cajole our kids into the car or beg them to wash their hands.
But whenever possible, it really helps to give your child notice before you rush her into the next activity or errand: "We're leaving soon, honey, so try to finish up." If your 2-year-old is like most, she still won't be thrilled about having to put her dolls or coloring book down, but at least she'll have fair warning that it's time to switch gears.
If your child seems to ignore you more often than she listens, or seems passive and withdrawn, talk to her doctor about the problem. The doctor may recommend a hearing test or other developmental evaluations.
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