Guess we need another hundred pages (or more, probably more) to get the awful cretins of D&D shacked up with some nice people.
ONLINE DATING. It's a fun game.
Figure 1, some random hotties I found with SFW pictures. These women here? They're out there. Perhaps. But your mighty neckbeard won't impress them.
So let's get down to brass tacks shall we? Sure, you could spend ages messaging a perfect 10 like the ladies above with killer lines like "sup" and "omg u look amazing lol", but so is everyone else.
Figure 2, or how men are idiots. This chart here? Unless you look like the suave motherfucker in Figure 3, it means you better make damn sure you write a memorable message to a cute chick, and you shouldn't take it personally when she deletes your hard work before reading it.
So based on the assumption that none of us look like the suave motherfucker below in Figure 3, I guess we should put some effort into our profiles. I know a dude who gives Mr Motherfucker there a good run for his money in looks, and his profile is the most Bland McBlanderson two paragraphs of generic text, but his physical features means that women like those in Figure 1 message him
Figure 3. Are you this man? Odds are pretty good that you aren't. Deal with it.
Is life fair? Not it isn't. Shit, or get off the pot. Some SA spy has revealed to me in a dark sagely manner secret texts from the depths of their slice of hell (OKC specific, but the general advice is sound)
:ARROW: STOP being "honest" via self deprecation in your profiles
:ARROW: STOP apologizing to the reader of your profile
:ARROW: STOP making excuses to the reader of your profile
:ARROW: STOP following confident statements with insecure "lol" or "haha" or "i guess"
:ARROW: STOP insulting your own life path in your profile
:ARROW: STOP calling yourself nerdy or geeky or dorky or funny or witty or handsome or sarcastic or any-fucking-thing. Leave out any sentences that say, "I am [adjective]" unless you are prepared to put up or shut up.
:ARROW: YOU ARE TRYING TO WOO A MATE. THIS IS NOT AN HONEST AUTOBIOGRAPHY. YOU'RE SELLING YOURSELF
My Self Summary
- Be Specific
- Show, don't tell. Use stories to show that you are interesting
- Don't talk about vague shit like "I like to travel" and "I read books for fun" and "I have maintained possession of both my eyes since birth."
What I'm Doing With My Life
- Don't beat around the bush. Just fucking tell me what you do for money or what you are studying in school. It's going to be a first question on a date and gives a potential suitor something to ask you about.
- Put interesting things in here. Hobbies. Not JUST work-things. Show me why you are awesome to hang out with.
I'm Really Good At
- You are not good at making people laugh or being funny or whatever. Find SKILLS that you have that you are good at. I can cut a deck of cards one-handed. I can drive stick shift. Something interesting that you can do that is awesome.
First Things People Notice
- It's not your smile or your eyes or your sense of humor or whatever.
- Think about something that people would notice across a bar if you were hanging out with your friends in a loud, crowded place.
- List YOUR FAVORITES. Not every book, movie, television show, and food you've ever read, seen, watched, or eaten.
- Pick 10-12 things MAXIMUM
- If you must use key words, only key word two or three things in each section. The favorites of your favorites.
- For books, list titles, not authors. Some authors write a wide range of books. Some authors are associated with being a prick or a poser. Book Titles tell a lot more about who you are as a person.
- Don't list bullshit like oxygen, air, water, food, friends and family. It's boring and meaningless.
- Don't list your computer, the internet, these forums, or something else pathetic.
- Do list things relating to stuff you love or mention elsewhere in the profile. Feel free to be silly here, but don't list six random things that have no connection or theme.
I Spend a lot of time thinking about
- Don't suddenly get all deep and existential when there's nothing else like that in your profile.
- Don't say "Taking over the world" because that's bullshit.
- Feel free to be funny or silly here, too, but don't make it cliche.
- Don't say "there is no typical Friday"
- Don't say "taking over the world"
- Don't say "out with friends or in reading a book" like every other person ever
- This is a bullshit question, but be specific. If you are out with friends, what are you doing? Do you go dancing? Go to bars for trivia night? Watch movies and eat popcorn?
The Most Privet Thing
- ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION
Message me if
- Don't say "if you want to" or any other variation of that. BE SPECIFIC.
SO MAGGOT WANT TO GET LAID?
There are other websites aka paysites out there but lol opinions lol fuck that.
And as always, we part with some legendary advice:
Too good looking for you? Son, let a girl figure out why she won't sleep with you. Don't do it for her.
I couldn't not post the Jetta back seat. Shitty car back seats are like the mecca of awkward voyages into messy happiness.
SHIRTLESS PHOTO SECTION
So if you look like this with your shirt off
Then go here
Or another such location where being shirtless is normal. Don't take the douchebag photo in the mirror shot.
Well that being said, don't take that photo if you want a lady who would find a blatant shirtless photo kind of crass and excessive. There are a lot of women who wouldn't mind a brazen shot, so go for it if you feel like it.
HANDSOME ADVICE FOR Plenty of Fish (and possibly every other site):
- Your main picture should feature you alone, and your face should be visible.
- Other pictures can include other people, but do specify who you are in the picture.
- Do not put up pictures where you are not at all. It's a dating site, not a Facebook album.
- Do not put up pictures with your ex. WTF would you think that's a good idea?
- Do not write "I never know what to write in those things". Think of something. It's not hard.
- Do not write "Headlines are stupid". NO U.
I am looking for:
- Not "intimate encounters". Girls do not need the internet to find "intimate encounters". Most of them, in fact, have their accounts set to automatically block messages from guys looking for "intimate encounters".
- Do not "prefer not to say". These are simple straightforward questions that give some basic background info on yourself. Answer them. They're not asking the number of girls you slept with or the size of your wang or the hiding place of John Connor. They're asking whether or not you own a car. If you can't answer that with a simple yes/no, you've got issues.
- Put some.
- Be specific.
- "Doing stuff" is not an interest. Neither is "taking over the world".
- Everything from the OKC profile advice applies here.
- Do not write "i dunno." Do not write "you come up with something." Do not write "we'll talk about it and decide." Do not write "whatever you want to do." It makes you look dull and unimaginative and boring.
- Everyone has a mental picture of an ideal date. Write a one or two line abstract of it.
- This section is important. It gives the other person a good idea of your personality. If your first date idea is chatting over coffee, you might not be a match for someone whose ideal first date is skydiving over a volcano while carrying an active bomb wrapped in barbed wire. See? Important information there.
Also don't be discouraged if you've read this entire OP, looked through the thread, and sent out a hojillion messages without anything meaningful responses. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't, but your profile and the messages you send are only fraction of who you are, so don't take that shit to heart.