Narcissists are Character Assassins
1. NARCISSISTS ARE OUT OF TOUCH WITH WHAT PEOPLE WITH CHARACTER, FEEL LIKE
Narcissists don’t have a real, true and fixed identity. What’s fixed about their personality is that it is DISORDERED. Who they ARE is a classification in a mental health diagnostic manual. With this wonderful factoid under our belt we can begin to explore why the presence of someone WITH character becomes such an envied, enemied, devalued and discarded being.
A parallel example.
Is anyone here a “horse person”? Or a “motorcycle lover”? For anyone who’s ever been part of a passionate hobby that you identify closely with, there are certain INS AND OUTS to even the label “horse person” that you begin to envision what that label means when hearing it: someone who rides every weekend, probably owns a couple of horses, takes care of them, shows them, brushes them out, you can smell the hay, imagine the time involved, feel the wind on the back of your neck as your horse progresses to a full gallop. YOU RELATE; DEEPLY. With sights, sounds, colors and INTENSE FEELING.
When you haven’t ever really been a part of that “horse group”…you don’t have those memories or tangible feelings to relate to.
THIS IS WHAT A NARCISSIST FEELS IN RELATION TO THOSE HAVING GOOD CHARACTER; they JUST DONT UNDERSTAND US. They can’t RELATE to how they go about being a person of good character, but they envy that we have it and they don’t. They see the social / emotional benefits we reap and know that if they had what we had, they’d probably feel better; they covet our good qualities and will eventually take them from us while ignoring or destroying the rest.
2. THEY ENVY THE CHARACTER THEY KNOW THEY CAN NEVER HAVE
THIS ENVY, ON STEROIDS is what a narcissist “feels” when presented with targets who have an identity of being kind, gentle and loving people; “GOOD PEOPLE”. They seek us out because of the kindness of our souls, our gentle and loving demeanor, our willingness to please them and put them before ourselves. They exploit this goodness however, use it, rob us of it and leave nothing but destruction and demeaning put downs in its place, along with real life destruction for all involved; kids included.
You know how this story goes. Their envy turns into seething anger. They begin belittling the target’s goodness – pointing out all the reasons that they wouldn’t want to have that anyway….They’re devaluing it, to reduce it’s importance to them, so that they can extinguish the discomfort of their envy and their almost realization that they possess no true Character or Identity. (Denial)
3. DEVALUING WHAT THEY ENVY
The more they belittle what they envy, the more their devaluation becomes apparent in their actions toward us. They’re more verbally degrading than ever before. They’re snide. They relish more in our defeats when they used to celebrate our successes. Suddenly, you realize that instead of being able to live life and be peaceful, you’ve got a constant problem on your hands. All you know is whatever it is, somehow you caused it and you’ll be emotionally and physically punished and required to fix it before the “relationship” can begin sailing again.
Because narcissists don’t communicate in terms of a “behavior” they’d like to see you adjust, they drag your character into it. Every statement feels like the bottom falling out. It’s not that you were late in traffic, it’s that you are an inconsiderate, floozy who HAD TO HAVE BEEN OUT WHORING AROUND while the narcissist was waiting on you like a perfect gentleman.
How dare you make THEM wait?!! You’re such a bad person. Their thinking goes like this:, “You know, Im going to abandon you now and it’s YOUR FAULT because you just couldn’t make me happy. ” When continually barraged with these over the top character assassinations, it’s an every day occurrence that you spend your time DEFENDING YOUR RIGHT TO HAVE AN IDENTITY FREE FROM ABUSE.
If you think targets over exaggerate the Mind F*ck of this situation, just ask another target. And another. You will get the same over the top answers one after another – because these are the facts we deal with. If you’ve never lived through a vietnam relationship like the narcissistic one, then lets choose to just not speak on a topic of which you won’t allow yourself to be informed. If you’d like to be informed, then please read on.
4. DISCARDING WHAT THEY DEVALUE
If you’ve ever seen the study where a rat was given inconsistent reinforcement for their “treat worthy” behaviors, then you’ve seen a target at this point in the narcissistic relationship. All we want, is to AVOID THE PAIN OF THE CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. Day in and day out, we hear that we ARE who we know we AREN’T; however after years of having our boundaries trampled, we’re not so sure anymore. They seem so energized and convinced by the “Identity defining”.
They speak with such certainty about the lies they’re saying about you; with your energy so depleted, you’re just willing to cop to it as long as they just SHUT UP.
Many times, I’d just GO ALONG with whatever he was accusing me of. “Ok ok. Yes. I was ___________. Inconsiderate, Im sorry. Yes, I was flirting ( I wasn’t). I didn’t realize that hurt you so bad, and Im sorry. Ill never do it again. Whatever would get the emotional abuse, cold shoulder, anger and non-stop questioning to stop.
I’d often think, when we were talking on the phone, while he was inquisitioning me, “My gosh, we could be spending this time, FLIRTING, Loving, talking, being kind really experiencing the joy of being in love.”
All the while I was over in our relationship “bubble” fixing whatever was so wrong with me that would cause him to constantly berate me and be dissatisfied with me, so we could “be in love again”, the narcissist was out courting NEW SUPPLY. New drugs of choice (people) to make the narcissist feel valued again, because “little old me” (yesterday’s news) was no longer doing the job. Somehow, they set us up to take on that guilt and shame as well. Blamed for being cheated on. Responsible for the new supply and the narcissist having an emotional and/or physical affair.
They’ve prepared the way for no longer needing you for what you offer, because frankly when they see us at that point, they see GARBAGE to be put on the curb. They swiftly set us aside and swing the door closed, while they and the new supply walk off into an amazingly romantic (albeit FAKE) sunset.
5. FINAL STAGE OF CHARACTER ASSASSINATION IS THE SMEAR CAMPAIGN
The relationship and it’s entanglement with character assassination has run it’s full course. What started out as a relationship between a good person with character and a bad person with a character DISORDER, has now been twisted around.
It’s like being in a dream and not being able to run or scream. You know those dreams? Where it feels like your legs weigh 500 lbs and you can’t run? That’s what it feels like trying to explain that crazy mess to outsiders.
You’re now hearing things about yourself that you KNOW aren’t true, and not only are they not true, they are things the NARCISSIST DID! You know that you just sound like one of those kids defending themselves saying, “No, Im not! They are!!!” And the narcissist knows this too!!! That’s why they PRE-EMPT you. They run to others before you even know they’re discarding you. You think you’re still in the relationship, while the narcissist is out making you out to be bat shit crazy -but telling you how much they love you. That way, when you finally work up the nerve to tell others, you’re met with DEAFENING silence. They’re saying “Uh huh. Sure they do. MMm hhh.” Because the narcissist has already told them that’s what YOU are doing.
It’s a SHOCK to learn you’ve been lied about, played, used and all the other emotions, all at the same time you’re trying to decide what to do about this full on smear campaign / slander / defamation the narcissist is waging a war with, in order to discredit you so that by the time you get back to your full senses, you are so far buried in slander, defending yourself is POINTLESS.