The issue of immigration is a hot topic these days across the country and even on ATS.
The immigration debate in Washington led to demonstrations all across the country, involving thousands upon thousands of demonstators -
even in Chicago.
Though, knowing Chicagoans as I do (most of my relatives live in the Chicago area), I suspect the Windy City demonstration may have been a combination
of people upset over the loss of Frank Thomas to Oakland
, people who misread their
calendar and missed the St. Patrick's Day Parade
, or women running to get the newest
Oprah's Book Club Selection
Some believe that this issue will lead to a new American civil war.
We can't have
that now, can we? Seriously, which side would the French help this time?
Finally, in a trend that is clearly worrying scientists worldwide,
polar bears are looking to immigrate to the US.
At least one other ATS thread
addresses the immigration issue. And as everyone
knows, if there are multiple ATS threads covering an issue, then clearly, something must be done. Let's attack this problem step by step - starting
with the most pressing issue. Where are we going to put all these people?
Fortunately, a pioneering social scientist from Drake University in Iowa has shown us the way. With his carefully crafted and brilliantly executed
experiment, Skyler Bartels has solved our immigration crisis: Let the immigrants live in Wal Mart.
Right now, you are no doubt asking yourself, how does
what Skyler did
apply to immigration? Well, I'll
tell you: Skyler proved that people can live in Wal-Mart
Wal-Marts stores are scattered fairly uniformly across the country, to say nothing of the "Super Wal-Mart" and "Sam's Club" stores. Why not use
them more effectively?
Of course, Skyler only lived in the Wal-Mart for a mere 41 hours. But, his experiment was cut short because he was constantly looking over his
shoulder - just like an illegal immigrant who fears detection by the INS.
What's that you say? We can't force Wal-Mart to house immigrants? Why not? The courts in Massachusettss (a state full of famous immigrants)
recently copied Illinios in forcing Wal-Mart to stock contraceptives
that many anti-immigrant facists find offensive. If the courts can force Wal-Mart to do that, then they can do anything!
Think about it:
If eminent domain lawsuits
can turn the constitution on its head and force individuals out
of their homes in favor of a comprehensive redevelopment plan, why can't we take it a step further and force a comprehensive consumer giant to help
this country solve our nation's most pressing and difficult issues?
Stop the madness now! Open the doors of Wal-Mart to our nation's most under-appreciated resource, our undocumented guest workers!
Obviously, this is just the beginning of an idea. Many details remain to be fleshed out, and that, my dear fellow ATS'ers is why I have posted this
here. I need your help - how can we implement the brilliant vision of young Mr. Bartels? How many people can live in a Wal-Mart? How will we feed
them? Where will they sleep? How do we keep them from being eaten by the polar bears?