I opened the first question and sighed. My bristles were already up from him making me jump through hoops, but it got worse: each question was a three-parter, making it essentially nine questions I would have to answer before I could send the e-mail and move on to more important things, namely, lunch. The first question was some b.s. about how you would want your ideal partner to support you if you had a difficult assignment or project. Then, how would your ideal partner answer this question? Then, how important is this question to you? The second question was more of the same. I just want to get some coffee, dude, I thought. Why do I feel like we're already in couples therapy? But fine, whatever. Only one (three-part) question to go and I'm home-free, I thought. And then I read this:
Wait, really? You're serious? I looked for a response to indicate "none of your damn beeswax," or even an "at this rate you're never going to find out," but there was none. Eff this, I thought. I'm not answering this. I tried to bypass it without submitting a response, and this is what it said:
In that case, sorry Monsieur Québecois francophone, you lose. Pas de rendez-vous for you. It's not that I'm a prude, per se, it's just that I like to think of my ass as the Mona Lisa: a work of art, to be sure, and yet inscrutable and shrouded in mystery (or at least until the third date). Plus, I find it un peu bizarre to be discussing la pénétration anale while we're still addressing each other by the more formal vous pronoun.
A word of advice to confused single guys out there: order of operations is important. Asking a girl her deepest most innermost thoughts on anal sex before even meeting her is equivalent to her asking you on a first date how you feel about kids. More specifically how you feel about five kids, and more specifically three girls and two boys and their names all start with J because that's just exactly what I want and I plan on having them all before the age of 36 because I read somewhere that your fertility drops dramatically after that. It's all just premature information.
Premature information! Not as commonly discussed, but just as bad as the...other...premature...thing. A word of advice, guys; just remember the three D's: dinner, drinks, DO NOT TALK ABOUT ANAL SEX. Oh, and the other...thing? Don't do that either. And you should be just fine.