The civil avaition authority revealed details today of severe staff shortages at Heathrow Airport which has led to a worrying lack of coverage amongst the air traffic control staff. This situation has left the Airport cheifs with little option but to employ unqualified eastern european migrants to fill the positions left by the abscence of the usual control staff.
If that was'nt bad enough it's also come to light that most of these migrants can barely speak or write english and are inputting information into the air traffic control global positioning system in their own native tongue. This has caused the system to crash on several occasions as instructions given in estonian or slovakian are perceived as a virus by the computer and the whole lot collapses causing confusion and mayhem in the skies over the capital.
'Of course it's not just the computers that are getting confused' explained James Mottram civil aviation authority spokesman 'the pilots have been having a torrid time understanding the instructions given by the temporary staff. Just last week an inbound flight from New York nearly took out St.Pauls thanks to a Moldovanian named Pval who tried to direct the flight in using a english translation guide for foreign tourists visiting London with almost disastrous consequences for the plane and one of Londons most famous land marks'.
This was not an isolated incident as Mottram continued to reel off a succesion of near misses and near disasters which included a 747 touching down in Finsbury Park and a near mid air collision involving Lord Alan Sugars private jet and an outward bound flight to the Dominican Republic which caused the bearded tycoon to run into the cockpit and shout some expletives down the aircraft to tower mike ending with 'you lot should be fucking fired'.
'Not that anything is safe even if it gets to the ground' continued Mottram ' the same people are operating the ground movement control system and one of the more notable incidents involved a 727 airliner and terminal three after the pilot was told to dock at terminal four with the omission of the instruction to manouvre around terminal three causing the plane to ram straight into it'.
Directors of Heathrow Airport were unavailable for comment due to most of them being currently airborn over central london after returning from an industry conference in China as the pilot has been unable to land having struggled to decifer the estonian for runway clear.