You hear stories on the news about people that do terrible things to their kids and you think, “what the hell is wrong with them?” Or sometimes you hear stories about less terrible things but still just wrong and you think, “I could NEVER do that.” And then there are days when one of your kids wakes you at 5am and you never go back to bed and everything turns to shit. It’s the day where you think, I’m not going to make it. Why did I do this?
It’s those days. Those days that suck. The days where really, the day itself isn’t so bad and then there’s a moment. One tiny moment out of an entirely long and exhausting day. A day where you can’t handle the mess that has become your home. The crap that’s everywhere. The crayon that’s on the wall AGAIN. The popsicle that’s ALL over the floor. The laundry that never ends. And one of your babies loses it. Your child falls apart and pitches a fit over NOTHING. Something you’ve fixed or corrected or read or addressed a zillion times, since lunch, AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG and you snap. You don’t hit or yell but you do something that you’re not proud of. And you’re thinking, I’ll give you something to really cry about. You don’t but you almost get it. But you wouldn’t. But you get it. For the love of Pete kid, just stop crying. And even as you’re falling apart you think, this is BAD. This is WRONG. And everything you hold dear is out the window because you suck. You lost it. And you would NEVER hurt your child but please just stop.
And you wonder, is this the moment that your child will remember? Will she remember playing in the rain? Will he remember eating popsicles? Will they remember snuggling on the couch and watching a movie? Will they remember the family dinners and the laughter and the running through the sprinklers on a hot summer day? Will they remember the trips for ice cream and running through the brook at the park? Or will they remember that you lost your shit over nothing and you snapped and you had that look in your eyes that scared them and wiped all the goodness away? Is that what they’re going to remember from childhood? Is that what they’re going to tell their friends? Their partner? Their shrink?
It’s so easy to sit and pass judgement on others. It’s so easy. It’s so easy to say Not Me. I’d Never Do That. And you don’t. But you still feel compelled to love on your child more than ever and make up for things that they may not even know was wrong. But you do. I do. I’m so sorry little one.