J.P. Morgan Chase has grown so complex that people now have to get doctorate degrees in J.P. Morgan Chase.
America's biggest bank by assets is trying to buy itself a doctoral program at the University of Delaware. It has offered to spend $17 million to help students earn advanced degrees in "financial analytics," according to a report last week by Insider Higher Ed.
Some faculty are calling it the "J.P. Morgan Ph.D." They argue the program would cross a line between financial support and financial control of a quasi-public university. The $2.5 trillion bank wants to select the faculty that would run the program and even place its own employees on dissertation committees, roles traditionally left to academicians.
Professors also complain that the bank's grip on the school is tightening with each donation. It has even set up an office on campus using student interns. "I like banks and corporations—but not on campus," Sheldon Pollack, a law and political-science professor told The Atlantic.
If this were a master's program, an arrangement like this would be acceptable, Mr. Pollack explained. M.B.A.s, after all, are professional degrees. But this is a doctoral program, and doctorates are academic degrees.
Such purist views are almost always sidelined by money. The fact is, J.P. Morgan has grown so large it needs Ph.D.s to help it understand itself. Course work could include a host of topics that have emerged in just the past few years:
"How to trade like the London Whale." Explain how the bank lost $6 billion in reckless derivatives trades and had to pay regulators a $920 million fine for "unsafe and unsound practices."
"How to properly foreclose on a home." Explain why the bank had to pony up billions for wrongfully foreclosing on active-duty military personnel as well as what regulators called "shoddy loan servicing, illegal robo-signing, and faulty foreclosure processing."
"How to bounce checks." Explain why J.P. Morgan had to settle litigation alleging it processed its customers' checks by size, rather than the order in which they were cashed, so it could bag unwarranted overdraft fees.
"Define 'misappropriation of funds.' " Explain why J.P. Morgan was forced to repay $546 million to MF Global customers after its collapse.
"How to manipulate energy prices." Explain why J.P. Morgan had to pay $410 million in fines for allegedly engaging in the same kind of illegal activity as Enron.
"How to rig the bond market." Explore J.P. Morgan's $229 million settlement with federal and state authorities for allegedly gaming the bidding process for bond deals affecting 31 states.
"What is a 'fortress balance sheet'?" J.P. Morgan CEO James Dimon used to brag that his bank had a "fortress balance sheet." It didn't need the bailout it got during the 2008 financial crisis, but was forced to take it, he said. Investigate whether this is true.
Complexity is hitting the bottom line: On Friday the bank reported its first quarterly loss under Mr. Dimon—$380 million, compared with a year-earlier $5.7 billion profit.
I think J.P. Morgan gets in trouble not because Mr. Dimon is a bad guy, but because its sheer size makes it unmanageable. It has thousands of Type-A personalities running over themselves to get deals done. No one can keep a firm handle on them all.
Candidates for a J.P. Morgan Ph.D. will need all the help they can get.
Al Lewis is a columnist based in Denver. He blogs at tellittoal.com; his email address is