My 7-year-old daughter, who is very easygoing and friendly and loves school, has become worried about death and dying. She complains of stomachaches and headaches. She cries when I work evenings, which is only once a week. She also doesn't want to go to bed alone and is very clingy with me. This is going on since July, but has worsened since school began. It sounds like separation anxiety. How much should I give in to her needs? Would sleeping with her until she fell asleep make it worse? I am with her most of the time; would not working for a while make it worse?
The symptoms that you are describing, Ginnie, do sound like your daughter is experiencing separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is a disorder that affects approximately 3 to 5 percent of children ages 7 to 11 and is characterized by fear and nervousness when the child is away from home or a parent. Fear of death or of something bad happening to the child or parent results in “clingy” behavior, tearful transitions, and perhaps tantrums. It is also common for children with separation anxiety to complain of physical symptoms such as stomachaches or headaches. The development of separation anxiety frequently follows some sort of trauma (for example, an illness or hospitalization, death, illness or accident within the family, change in environment) and in some instances, may result from an overly protective parent.
Your concern for your daughter’s needs is extremely important. I’m sure it is difficult to see her suffer, and your instinct to reduce her anxiety is right on target. However, it is important to proceed in a manner that doesn’t make things worse. Generally speaking, your efforts should be aimed at reducing anxiety, developing a sense of security, and teaching your daughter skills to help calm herself. To this end, I’d encourage you to listen empathically to your daughter's feelings while remaining calm in the face of her fears. Gentle reassurance needs to be combined with firm and consistent limit-setting. In that regard, it would be best to maintain the normal bedtime routine and work schedule. She needs to learn to be able to be away from you and trust that she and you will both be okay.
Try developing strategies with her that will remind her that you love each other. You might have her draw pictures of the two of you when she is worried, or ask her to sing a favorite song that the two of you sing together often. You might also give her a small trinket to wear that she can hold as a reminder of your love for her. Encouraging her to attend school, engage with her friends, and participate in activities will help her gain confidence in herself, and applauding her efforts will promote greater comfort, reinforce her sense of independence, and begin to reduce her anxiety.
Not all children who experience separation anxiety need treatment, but you might also consider contacting a mental health professional who specializes in diagnosis and treatment of childhood anxiety disorders. He or she can provide talk therapy for your daughter to address her anxious thoughts, teach her relaxation techniques, and support your efforts to help your daughter overcome her fears.