New York, Apr 27 - In a major setback to anti-spammers around the world, a group of researchers under the banner of Association of Scientific Spam (ASS) have proven that spam mail, otherwise known as junk mail, stimulates the growth of the brain cells and other body parts.
"It's a small leap for man," said Dr Nogood Practice of Berkshire. "And a giant leap for ASSes all over the world. For too long now, there has been the propaganda that junk mails are essentially useless, and serve no practical purpose but to clog up your precious little inbox. Now, thanks to our pathbreaking approach, we have definite and inconclusive proof that reading spam enriches the soul and the brain."
According to ASS, the research team divided people into two groups - a regular group which was allowed unlimited access to the internet, and a control group which was subjected to hundreds of thousands of junk messages collected from volunteers all over the world. The result, ASS claims, was surprising but not unexpected.
While there was little change in the outlook of the regular group, the individuals in the control group displayed marked changes in their social and anti-social behavior. While some members of the latter group became more confident and outspoken as a result of earning commissions for laundering money for displaced princes, others turned downright diffident and withdrawn as a result of discovering that a certain part of their anatomy was not big enough.
At the same time, Dr Practice observed that those who could afford to change said body parts became even more confident about themselves. It was an interesting psychological study, he said, only because the subjects were actually ten-, twelve- and fourteen-year olds.
The governor of Florida, Jeb Bush, lauded the scientists. "Now I can tell Pappy that all those dollars my bro and I spent were not wasted," he said at a press conference in one of the Keys. - Dissociated Press.