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The five Cs of separation and divorce
As of 2011, there is some good news about divorce - it's becoming less common. The Australian Bureau of Statistics indicates that divorce rates involving children under the age of 18 are slowly declining. That's great news, given that separation and divorce generally have devastating effects on children.
Separation is tough on kids. The two people they look up to and rely on more than anyone in the world decide that they can't get along. This generally means that at least one of those parents will find a new place to live, and that the relationships between family members will be drastically changed.
These five Cs of separation can alleviate some of the challenges and minimise some of the risks to your children, should separation and/or divorce become a part of your life.
Research has shown that parents who remain near one another give their children the best opportunities for success. Children who have the option of visiting with mum or dad most days of the week seem to respond to the challenges of separation and divorce best. Some reasons include:
- the simple convenience
- children who see their parents more have (generally) better relationships with them than children who rarely see their parents
- they are more likely to have easier access to friends
- schooling and sports or other extra activities can be much more easily accommodated
Children thrive when their parents are involved in their lives. Most research now suggests that parents be involved in the bathing, helping, shopping, and support of their children. It is not fair for the children, or the parents, if one parent does all of the mundane childrearing, and the other gets all of the weekends and holidays for fun time. Such arrangements usually lead to less than optimal outcomes. It is also important that both parents be there for the big events. Two parents are required for these moments.
Research unequivocally shows that parents need to keep their children away from the conflict associated with their break up. For a child, seeing his parents fight is scary. And there is no doubt that children who feel torn between parents are the worst off. High conflict exacerbates emotional distress and poor psychological adjustment.
However, when we, as parents, take a courteous and civil approach, our children thrive. Treat your ex with respect, even if it's an illusion. Many experts recommend pretending your former spouse is a business client. If you treat him in this way, you are unlikely to yell, badger, or ring at all hours of the day or night.
Children do best when their lives are stable. Stability helps children feel secure. They know what's happening, and feel comfortable that they have a routine. They can predict the future with some accuracy. This sense of certainty gives children the courage to explore, develop, and take risks that are associated with normal and healthy growth. When we provide a stable, secure environment, children respond well.
Change, particularly the kinds of change associated with divorce or separation, is not well received. Our children need to be given clear and honest warnings before changes, and need considerable time to adjust. When sharing warnings and information, ensure that what you tell them is simple and age appropriate.
Be patient and understanding after changes occur. These changes can often be tougher on the kids than they are on you.
Researchers have also discovered that children do best when they experience the same standard of living in both of the homes that they live in. Mum and Dad should both be able to provide them with similar circumstances, food, facilities, and resources. When this does not happen, one parent's home becomes a far more appealing place to be, with more treats, opportunities, and niceties. While this may feel nice for the children, over time these circumstances will develop into feelings of resentment and unhappiness for children and parents.
When we maintain closeness and caregiving, minimise conflict and change, and maintain a reasonable equilibrium in terms of cash and standard of living, we can reduce the impact that separation and divorce have on children.
Parenting tips by Justin Coulson:
- The no-fighting guide to disciplining your kids
- The trouble with time-out
- Raising smart, curious children
- What parents must know about play dates
- Teaching your child resilience
- Teaching girls resilience
- Teaching boys resilience
- How to bond with older, independent children
- How to be a happy parent
- How to get kids to listen
- My toddler is hitting and throwing things
- How to stop nagging
- Why routine and structure benefits your toddler
- Fussy eaters: what affects toddler eating behaviour
- Fathers and parenting: Do dads matter to toddlers?
- Toilet training: Teaching your toddler to use the toilet
- Why kids should not be on facebook
- Make-up and guiding your girls as they grow
Divorce and separation articles by Justin Coulson:
- The five Cs of separation and divorce
- How to work with your ex-partner for the sake of the kids
- How to tell your children you're separating
School articles by Justin Coulson:
- Why children don't need homework
- What to do about cruel school friends
- Study tips for kids
- Why my kids won't do the NAPLAN
- Teaching children to manage their study
- Peer pressure at school
- Differences between teasing and bullying
- When your child is being teased at school
- Motivation for school
- School success for your child
- Extra curricular activities
- Managing school projects (without doing them yourself!)
- Easing school test anxiety
- Successfully studying at the computer, not socialising
Articles about teenagers by Justin Coulson:
- Teens and mobile phones
- The bumpy transition from childhood to adolescence
- Challenges CAN make our teens stronger
- Making the transition from primary school to high school
- Helping your teenager with friendship problems
More articles by Justin Coulson:
- Knowing their friends parents
- How to play with 0-1 year olds
- How to play with 1-2 year olds
- How to play with 2-3 year olds
- How to play with 4-6 year olds
- How to play with 7-9 year olds
- How to play with 10-12 year olds
This article was written for Kidspot by Justin Coulson, Ph. D. Justin is a relationships and parenting expert, author and father of five children. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, and at happyfamilies.com.au.
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