This was a monumental day in history, and the State Board of Education has made it better.
To outgoing chairman Don McLeroy (R-my hometown) and his Revisionist Posse, history was like a cocktail — you could add or leave out ingredients to suit your taste.
Here’s what they ended up with …
10,000 B.C.: The first man appeared in what is now known as Iraq. Adam, a pale-skinned guy with blonde hair, would soon be joined by his wife Eve, also white and blond. She is born wearing a dress that covered her entire body. Their first pet is a brontosaurus named Sparky.
1,300 B.C.: Noah writes the Magna Carta. Later that year, he would invent a weather service.
600 AD: King Arthur slays his first dragon.
1589: Galileo proposes the theory of intelligent planetary magnetism and damages a building in Pisa in the process.
1690: The first Mexicans (technically Spaniards) enter the U.S illegally to take American jobs away from Vikings, who entered legally from the North.
1758: Noah Webster, creator of a highly overrated reference book favored by Ivy League elitists, is born
1787: Patriots who hated government created one.
1800: Thomas Jefferson (who had no part in the creation of the U.S.) and his wife Weezy open their first dry cleaning store in Hoboken
1889: Adolf Hitler, who will become a genocidal dictator sporting a Barack Obama-style mustache, is born.
1932: FDR is elected president of the United States and promptly destroys it.
1937: Amelia Earhart disappears, thus creating Missing White Women Syndrome.
1945: Harry S. Truman becomes president. He destroyed America, too, but since he was cranky, old people remember him fondly.
1960: John F. Kennedy is elected president of the United States, providing generations of politicians with great quotes. He cannot destroy America before his assassination, so his successor, Lyndon Baines Johnson, finishes the job.
1976: Jimmy Carter is elected president of the United States and promptly destroys it
1983: The Chuck Norris film Lone Wolf McQuade is released.
1992: Bill Clinton is elected president of the United States and promptly destroys it.
I can’t wait to see how the SBOE tackles math books and equations that result in answers of ’666.’
Later today: If you’re craving group sex or safe toys, stay away from China!