“Second only to learning how to bond, to form strong attachments, the most important thing parents can give children is a sense of responsibility – knowing what they are responsible for and knowing what they aren’t responsible for, knowing how to say no and knowing how to accept no. Responsibility is a gift of enormous value….We’ve all been around middle-aged people who have the boundaries of an eighteen-month old. They have tantrums or sulk when others set limits on them, or they simply fold and comply with others just to keep the peace. Remember that these adult people started off as little people. They learned long, long ago to either fear or hate boundaries. The relearning process for adults is laborious.” – page177-178, “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
“Sad at heart, the King stepped from behind the screen, took the Prince by the hand, and led him away from the school. When they reached the royal palace, the King spoke thus to his son: “Anyone who has to be King someday and to rule over other people must first learn to rule over himself.” – From the short story “The Prince Who Could Not Read” in the book “Verses and Poems and Stories to Tell” by Dorothy Harrer
Helping a child learn to take responsibility for themselves is one of the hardest and most challenging tasks in parenting and also one of the most necessary. This starts at an early age in expecting right action, in being right by the child’s side to help them do what is right, and to not become angry when the child does not remember and does not do what is right. We help the child make wrongs right and foster an attitude in the child that we know this child can do this, but we certainly expect to have to be right there physically to assist.
However, as a child grows, it becomes even more clear that a child must learn to take responsibility for themselves, their actions and how their actions affect others in the family and outside of the family. Sometimes for a child this includes both positive help and consequences. This often can particularly come to a head in the home around that developmental leap of the ages of six and seven if it has not already. Direct, simple and clear rules are helpful to our older kindergarteners and early grades children.
Consistency is also very important in developing consequences. For example, I am a big stickler on treating each other with respect and kindness (and especially having the children treat each other with respect and kindness!). I will not feel generous to take the children to the park in the afternoon if they have been fighting all morning. I have this thing about not taking ugly out into the world, so if things are not going well at home we can go and use our hands to do something helpful for each other and then maybe play in the yard but not with friends. Part of going places or being with friends is treating family members with respect and kindness. My children are fully aware of this rule, and have been since they were very small. Restitution, and showing how to turn a problem into an opportunity is important.
Never feel badly about consequences. Consequences held in love and without anger help provide a limit for the child that they cannot yet provide for themselves. They will eventually internalize these things if you start and are persistent and consistent. We all want our children to grow up to be Kings and Queens and able to rule over themselves. Let us all work this week with our children to gently guide them toward this endeavor.
Many blessings for a happy week,