Over the past few days, the Edinburgh Fringe has seen the outbreak of a virulent infection: standing ovation syndrome. SOS causes normally reticent theatregoers to rise spontaneously to their feet at the end of a performance and clap and cheer as if they have just witnessed the second coming, rather than a mediocre one-person show.
In previous years, there have been cluster outbreaks at Aurora Nova @ St Stephens. This, however, is to be expected as theatregoers forced to endure endless shows involving the life of Jane Austen, butchered Shakespeare and the confessions of former heroin addicts are known to be highly susceptible to SOS when they finally come across something half-decent.
Of course, the standing ovation is rare in London, where most theatre-goers are already suffering from such a bad dose of terminal ennui that they don't have the energy to rise to their feet, unless to be first at the bar for two dry white wines. There have been occasional cases on Shaftesbury Avenue, where on first nights individuals occasionally leap to their feet and become hysterical after the curtain falls. Researchers have discovered that these people are always either a) the writer's mum; b) sleeping with one or more members of the cast; or c) those who have unwisely put money into the show and, after seeing it for the first time, are desperately trying to protect their investment.
Experts in Edinburgh put SOS down to a number of factors: the large quantity of demonstrative people from abroad; the intimacy of many venues, which makes the theatre experience much more up close and personal; and the high ratio of performers in the audience, since they know how hard it is to get up and do it every day, particularly after you've just had a one-star review in the Scotsman.
Fortunately, all symptoms of SOS disappear as soon as its victims agree to avoid shows altogether and spend all day drinking in the Pleasance courtyard - although this can lead to another worrying condition: falling down syndrome.