Some time during your child's elementary school career, probably more than once or twice, he will tell you that he doesn't want to go to school.
Professionals who study children who refuse to go to school are unanimous in their advice to parents: If your child isn't sick, send him.
Even if he's miserable, even if he's crying. Even, says Long Island psychologist Leah Klungness, ''if you have to dress him yourself, drag him into the car and carry him into the school.''
Klungness' advice is an extreme not every professional is comfortable with, but it underscores the main point they all make. ''Even just one day of being allowed to stay out of school (when a child isn't sick) worsens the problem,'' says Robert Schachter, a psychologist and assistant professor in psychiatry at Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York. His area of specialty is children's fears.
No one pretends this advice is easy to heed, especially not at 7 a.m. when you've got a whiny 6-year-old on your hands.
''It is very upsetting for parents to see a child distressed,'' says Schachter, whose book, When Your Child Is Afraid (Simon & Schuster), has a helpful chapter on school-related fears. Carole Spearin McCauley is co-author.
There are various degrees of refusing to go to school.
It is most benign, in fact downright normal, in preschool. ''A developmental anxiety about separation,'' Klungness says. Before you assume that's what it is, however, first make sure the program is meeting your child's needs. ''It could be too structured or too long,'' she says.
If the program isn't the problem, separation probably is. ''Offer comfort and reassurance to validate feelings - 'I think about you when we're apart, too,' '' Klungness says. Make a ritual of the farewell by giving your child a tangible reminder of you. When you finally do go, she urges, ''Go quickly.''
With school-age children, parents are most likely to hear the ''I-don't-want-to-go'' refrain in years of change and transition: kindergarten through second grade and fifth through seventh grade.
What is most common in these years is something professionals label school reluctance. The protest can range from mild to intense, but what makes it manageable from a parent's point of view is that your child is able to give you a specific reason why he doesn't want to go and, in the end, he does go.
''The reason will have something to do with school,'' says psychologist Wayne C. Piersel, associate professor at the University of Nebraska department of educational psychology. He has studied the various forms of refusing to go to school for 15 years.
''Something has caused him to be anxious, afraid or embarrassed,'' says Piersel. ''He was teased because he forgot to pull up his zipper. He stood up abruptly and knocked some books over. A teacher reprimanded him. A bully pushed him.''
These kinds of events can devastate a child, says Piersel. He urges parents not to pooh-pooh them. A good response, for instance, might be: ''That must have embarrassed/upset/concerned you. I know some days things happen at school that are unpleasant, and it makes you wish you didn't have to go. But you do. Tonight, we can talk about how today was for you.''
In addition to being empathetic and supportive, don't waver. Says Piersel, ''Be positive and firm. A child must know there is no doubt, no discussion. He will go to school.''
After an incident, Piersel recommends contacting your child's teacher, who may recognize an ongoing issue the two of you can solve together. Piersel says there's also nothing wrong with simply asking a teacher to help your child have a positive day.
What to do is less clear-cut for parents if a child can't give you a specific reason about school; if her reluctance becomes a daily or an every-Monday or an after-every-vacation event; or if her upset is so intense that she becomes physically sick with a headache, stomachache, fever or vomiting.
''Parents may not see a pattern, or they aren't sure if their child is genuinely ill, so they allow him to stay home,'' says Klungness. Piersel points out that this illness is not pretend. ''Kids really feel sick,'' he says, which makes it that much more difficult for parents to insist they go to school.
If the sickness is related to not wanting to go to school, there's a quick, although not necessarily instant, recovery once she stays home. ''It's quite simple,'' says Schachter. ''The anxiety has been removed.''
In its place, however, is something more insidious. ''A child begins to learn, 'If I don't want to deal with a problem, it's OK to avoid it.' '' If this happens frequently, Klungness says, it can lead to a lifelong pattern of not facing up to problems.
The child who ends up missing school usually has a problem at home, not at school, according to Piersel. An additional stress, often something relatively minor, becomes one too many for him.