I heard on the news that a nuclear scientist accidentally ate some uranium, and now he has atomic ache! “How's your sister coming along with her new jigsaw puzzle?”
Did you hear they fired the cross-eyed school teacher?
Did you hear about the lobster that bought a new car?
“Does your brother have a job?”
Words to Know
Pun: the humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word with a similar sound
Doctor: Have your eyes ever been checked?
What did one Moroccan boy say to the other?
A misshapen ogre made his living by ringing the bells at a famous cathedral in France. One day the ogre lost his footing on the roof of the cathedral and plummeted 200 feet to his death in the courtyard below. Two priests rushed to the ogre's side. The first priest asked, “Is that the Hunchback of Notre Dame?” The second priest replied, “No, but he's a dead ringer.”
Tyler: My dad is so strong, he can hold up several cars at once using one hand.
What's the best way to avoid falling hair?
Dottie was having trouble learning her directions, especially the difference between north and south. So her mother tried a little quiz. “Dottie, if you were standing with your back to the east, and your face to the west, what would be on your right hand?''Dottie said, “Four fingers and a thumb.”
Teacher: My goodness, Amy! You've been burping all morning.
Matty: We learned today that people who live north of the Arctic Circle eat whale meat and blubber.
Mom: Amy, what are you doing home from school so early?
“My aunt always nagged my uncle to buy her a Jaguar.”
Circus Clown: How do you like your new job?
How do you measure a dog's temperature?
Some know-it-all once said that the pun was the lowest form of humor. Then a modern comic added, “unless you happen to make it yourself!”
I feel sorry for the two lighthouse keepers.
You heard about the glass blower who inhaled?
What did the Cub Scout say when he fixed the horn on his bike?
A music store was robbed last night. The burglar broke in, stole a drum, and beat it! Why is that woolly sheep scratching itself?
“Comedy is the new rock-and-roll.”
— Janet Street-Porter
Teacher: Alex, why are you brushing your teeth during class?
Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race?
That movie was terrible. I've seen a better film on dirty teeth.
Why did the bank robber flee to the nudist colony?
What do you see when the smog clears in southern California?
What part of a car is responsible for causing the most accidents?
They think that …
An octopus is a cat with eight paws.
“Doctor, can you help me? I keep thinking I'm a packet of biscuits.”
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about the color pink!
“You look awful, Stanley. Flu?”
I read that Tibet is the noisiest place on earth.
Did you hear about the Siamese twins who went to Prague for major surgery?
“This report card should be underwater!”
What happened to the origami store that used to be on the corner?
An inexperienced hunter was deep in the woods and kept following a set of tracks — until the train ran him over!
Fill Me In
Color in all the shapes with exactly three sides to find the answer to this riddle: Why did Silly Billy throw a stick of butter out the window?
Why did Silly Billy throw a stick of butter out of the window ?
Karl: Darn, I left my watch back up on that hill.
Gretchen: Every morning my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.
At a fancy hotel, a man walks in and asks the desk clerk, “Do you take children?”
“No sir,” replied the clerk. “Only checks and American Express.”
The farmer came in from the barn and said to his wife:“I shot the cow.”
“Was he a mad cow?”
A once-famous rock star told her friend, “The last time I made an appearance at that night-club, I drew a line five blocks long.”
Her friend asked, “Did they make you erase it?”
“I think I have a good head on my shoulders.”
Why do you keep a sun lamp in your lunchbox?
Did you realize that if 3M and Goodyear ever merged they could call themselves MMMGood?
And if Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Nabisco Crackers ever joined forces, they would be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
A PUN-OPLY FOR PUN LOVERS
Here's an alphabetical list of old or obsolete words that all mean “pun.” Some of these words are over 500 years old!
If you always have a pun up your sleeve that you can't wait to try out on your friends, you are said to be “liripoopionated.”
And if you pun way too much, your friends can accuse you of “quibble-ism.”