Ambrose Bierce was an angry bitter man all his life, whose caustic definitions were compiled into a collection called “The Devil's Dictionary”. He was killed in 1914. I have humbly tried to update his dastardly dictionary definitions to include Prince William, Kate Middleton and the NFL lockout, among many other topics of today.
A royal wedding, n. So important that you can buy a commemorative commode seat with the bride and groom's face on it for a guaranteed royal flush every time. (I know, a groaner.)
Famous for being famous phenomenon, np. At least Prince puts out a forgettable unpopular CD every year, but Prince William marries his live-in girlfriend Kate Middleton of many years and the world goes nuts.
NFL lockout, n. Rich people prevented from working by richer people, so they can get even richer.
Facebook, n. A vast social network that can consist of strangers who are befriended that you never have to actually talk to or even meet, just Like, not really knowing a thing about them.
Air traffic controller, n. A job not to sleep your way to the top to.
Politics, n. Lies laced with rhetoric that can change at the drop of a poll.
A conscience, n. A repository of guilt for doing things your mother told you not to do, that your father did.
Partisanship, n. What the opposing party does to advance its agenda.
Non partisanship, n. What your party does to advance its agenda.
Good wishes, n. When you can't get away with bad wishes.
Best friends, n. A sharing of secrets until one's secrets become too juicy not to share with others and then they turn into enemies, that can really do damage to each other.
Admiration, n. Looking up to someone you may end up looking down on, once you get to know them better.
Religion, n. One person's deeply held beliefs that puts down another person's deeply held beliefs.
The dog days of summer, n. Something to treasure from inside an air conditioned room without mosquitoes, but with a cold brewski.
Pursing an acting career, vp. Like trying to catch a rainbow with a butterfly net.
Sex, n. A commitment of a few minutes to propagate the species or to celebrate a drunken moment together.
Diary, n. A handwritten blog that's never sent anywhere, except to the inside of a drawer.
Reincarnation, n. Another chance to do a better job as perhaps a captain of industry or a dung beetle.
The pen, n. Mightier than the sword, but way inferior to the Send button.
Password, n. An entrance, but a roadblock when forgotten. The adult equivalent of having to ask permission to go to the bathroom in kindergarten. Passwords proliferate thru life like toadstools after a rain. They are the bane of our virtual existence.
Time, n. Sometimes on your hands, but something you never have enough of that drags during work and flies on the weekends, unless you're with your mother-in-law. A flicker when looking back on a long life.
Chocolate, n. One of the major fun food groups, right up there with cotton candy and popping pralines while para sailing.
Cyberspace, n.- The screen on your computer's monitor housing all the information and misinformation in the world, from singing cats to building a nuclear bomb. No rocket ship can get you there faster than the click of your lowly mouse. In cyberspace everyone can hear you scream.
Blogging, v. Talking to yourself in cyberspace hoping that someone else overhears you.
Like, v. For someone to acknowledge your recent brain surgery or trip to the bathroom, sometimes with photos, on your Facebook wall of life and useless personal information.
Ego, n. A sense of self mistakenly believed to be important in the grand and small scheme of things. That and $3.87, or so, will get you a gallon of gas.
A sure thing, np. Financially, you are SURE to lose your money on it.
Too good to be true, np. Does not apply to the nutritional value of pizza.
A gallon of gas, n. Now more than a night out at McDonald's for a family of two.
Gary Busey and Charlie Sheen, n. Separated at birth
A scratch off, n. A scab or an instant lottery ticket. The scab is the better financial investment.
Pure mountain spring water, n. Straight from a tap in New York City.