According to the CDC, you are disgusting. Everything you do is repugnant in every way and this is demonstrated by the sheer volume of filth and awfulness in your home. But don’t feel bad, it’s just as revolting in everyone else’s house. Except our intern who keeps his home hermetically sealed and bathes every surface in Lysol twice a day. Word has it he cries when he gets an erection too, but that’s neither here nor there.
As part of their efforts to determine where, why and how you suffer oozing facial diseases and dysentery, the CDC swabbed home surfaces to determine the bacteria count per square inch. Here those numbers are in all their gross glory, along with the probable reasons for that awfulness.
10. Kitchen floor, in front of sink: 830 bacteria/square inch
The kitchen sink is technically a clean place, it’s where you wash dishes if you’re too poor to afford a dishwasher. You can also wash potatoes here! Man, potatoes is some good eating.
Officially, the floor in front of your sink is a rancid cesspool thanks to your sloppy antics, splashing about like a toddler in its own urine saturated wading pool. This is because it’s humanly impossible to not splash the floor thanks to the piss poor design of modern sponges and the fact that drying your plates is for suckers. Best to just give them a shake and put them away.
9. Pet food dish, inside rim: 2,110 bacteria/square inch
Your dog licks his own asshole. So does your cat. If you have fish, they probably do that too. If you’re desperate enough to own fish, please look into that and tell the rest of us. Anyway, it’s reasonable then that your pet’s food dish is a garbage dump when you consider it has to be collecting chunky dribbles of your precious friend’s butt mouth residue every time they go for a snack.
8. Bathroom sink, near drain: 2,733 bacteria/square inch
Even if you don’t shave your pubes in the sink, someone else has. Maybe they live with you right now, maybe they owned the place before you, but it happened. Someone probably ripped a hole through the TP while wiping once too and they washed it off in that sink and just the tiniest bit of it stayed put right there around the chrome drain, like a minature ass pond.
7. Bathroom faucet handle: 6,267 bacteria/square inch
Before that ass was washed off into the drain, they had to turn on the tap. Lord knows as soon as you wash your hand and grab that faucet to turn the sink off, you’re grabbing a whole handful of poop and ooze all over again. It’s a vicious cycle of nasty in the bathroom, there’s not much to be done for it.
6. Kitchen faucet handle: 13,227 bacteria/square inch
Like the bathroom faucet, only this time instead of the stable, reliable bacteria you find in your butt, you’re getting bacteria from yesterday’s ham, some fetid old cheese, bad milk, a rotten apple and whatever’s been stewing in your sponge since you put it in that little frog thing a month ago. You guys have the little frog, right? Holds your sponge? Brilliant.
5. Kitchen sink, near drain: 17,964 bacteria/square inch
It’s like the reverse of the bathroom! All the scum that’s on the faucet handle is concentrated in the drain because, as we all know, you scrape 85% of your plate in the garbage and the rest you attempt to rinse down the drain until it forms a natural blob plug that you stab with a fork while running the tap until it vanishes. But it still festers around the edges and you only clean that shit once the bacteria become so dangerous they’re visible to the naked eye and have developed a rudimentary system of communication.
4. Bathtub, near drain: 119,468 bacteria/square inch
It’s almost surprising that this isn’t higher as the bathtub is invariably the place where every man and beast in your home gets its ass scoured clean. We all do it. Just ease the bar of soap in and out between the cheeks once or twice and watch the off-white bubbles float their way into oblivion with that sense of smug satisfaction enrobing you like a fluffy, warm towel.
3. Sponge or counter-wiping cloth: 134,630 bacteria/square inch
Have you ever left a cloth bunched up in the sink after cleaning the counters or some dishes, and then you pick it up the next day and the smell of an old person who’s been locked in an abandoned refrigerator just smacks you in the face? That’s exactly why this is #3 on the list. Wash your hands, quick!
2. Kitchen drain: 567,845 bacteria/square inch
This is the apex of your kitchen filth. It’s the central point of the terror that is all the waste in your home that hasn’t been consumed yet and fell by the wayside on its way to your food hole. It’s steeped in tepid water, it’s sitting around at room temperature, it’s shellfish and macaroni and cheese and bologna and corn and butter and together they merge in your kitchen drain to form Scum Voltron. Buy some bleach or face the consequences.
1. Toilet bowl: 3.2 million bacteria/square inch
Well, your poop goes in here, so…yeah.