in the Moonlight
Meditation in The Moonlight
I know the feeling--the greatest
feeling of being a mother. I know the deep emotion of the most mysterious and
wonderful moment--to give birth to a new life into this universe...
I know the feeling--the most hellish
feeling--the abandonment for being a mother. I know the repentance sense of the
most painful, miserable, and inhumane moment--to blow out the light of a new spirit.
I'm not anti-abortion, and yet
I'm not a pro-abortion either
... Is abortion right? or wrong? I really don't have the answer for that question
... probably no one has ... right or wrong ... right or wrong ...?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
on the coastline at dawn, far away, above the horizon, a moonlight dimly shining
on you. Just then, a moonlight suddenly grows brilliant, sharp, like lightning
speed, and it pierces your heart. For that moment--the same spirit--so sure, your
spirit--came back, as Anakalia--Hawaiian name for "strong-minded."
up the sky in the morning glow, through a crack of fleecing clouds, the morning
sunshine basking on you. Just then, slowly a sunshine glows, changes to the prismatic
colors, and veiled gently around you. For that moment--the same spirit--so sure,
your spirit--came back, as Aalona--Hawaiian name for "enlightened."
It's a women's choice. If born as women, living as women, and dying as women--the
fate of imposing to be women, then controlling and administrating fate itself
are also a women's choice and right. Correct? Wrong? Nonsense?
a new life and soul, cherishing the same blood with a new innocent life in the
womb, feeling the breath and heart throbbing--stronger and more powerful day after
day, panting for breath for the expectation and the anxiety, looking forward to
the special day to be a mother in a flutter, or denying everything for these--lapsing
the existence of a new life and spirit; whichever women choose, there is nothing
but only two ways--either being a mother, or being a killer.
again, I am lost in meditation, throwing myself into the morning calm and basking
under the warm moonlight: the two spirits that were removed and destroyed once
before, believing and wishing, you--as the same spirits--came back and enlightened
two new lives and souls. I know. . .I know. . .I'm only protecting and consoling
myself. . .but don't want to be a killer. . .forgive, forgive. . .because don't
want to commit myself as a killer. . .forgive, forgive... please let me believe
you are the same spirits. . .and forgive. . .
as women, carried on women's nature; because born as women, acknowledged women's
nature; because born as women, carried on women's nature; because born as women,
carried on women's destiny; because born as women, accepted women's fate.
as women, --abortion--was the end of one woman's sad nature.
or wrong?. . .right or wrong?. . .human's stupidity and egoism--can never weigh
women's nature and fate--with such nonsense argument.
August 17, 1998,
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my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more
- Jane Wagner / Lily Tomlin