Imagine this scene: You and you're friends are in your living room. Video games are being played, alcohol is being consumed, pizza is being smelled. Imagine this scene: You and three friends are in your car. Fast food is being played, jokes are being consumed, farts are being smelled.
But then, out of nowhere, a ringtone. Polyphonic, Monophonic, Megaphonic, it doesn't matter. It's all the same, really. Your friend picks up his phone (for some reason) and emits a girly greeting. The high pitch at which he speaks cuts through the usual low grunting your buddies emit. Yes, your friend is using what I refer to as a "Girly Phone Voice." The rest of you now instantly deduce, that on the other end of that phone conversation, is none other, than a dirty, smelly, girl.
As a society of male college students we make fun of everything: poor performance in school, lack of drinking ability, exceptionally low snood scores; yet when it comes to this "Girly Phone Voice" nobody pokes fun. Nobody mentions it. Nobody does a thing. It has become accepted. Inevitable. Unavoidable. And there is no end in sight. But what exactly IS a "Girly Phone Voice?" and why do we use it?
What is it?
If you are a male aged 18 150, you are already familiar with "Girly Phone Voices." Whether or not you are consciously aware of this phenomenon is an entirely different issue. Specifically, a "Girly Phone Voice" is the voice that a man uses on the phone when he's speaking to a female that he deems attractive. It is a distinct affectation, cadence, pitch, and frequency that is more unique than many accents, according to scientists at a prestigious university. Basically, he speaks like a little girl four teas into a party with her favorite barbies.
A "Girly Phone Voice" is more than just a high pitched "Hiiiiii" " it is a dead give-away. Often it is prefaced with the person running as far away as possible before picking up his phone. The point here is to be alone as possible when using your "Girly Phone Voice" so as to limit embarrassing eavesdropping as much as possible. Just close your eyes and imagine how many times you've seen a male buddy of yours, check out who's calling him, speed walk out of earshot only to hear a faint, yet girly, "Hey! How ARE you!" in the distance? Now open your eyes, and continue reading. (But how did you read THAT sentence?)
Why Do We Do It?
By now it is understood that every male, regardless of size, stature, or status employs this "Girly Phone Voice" when speaking to female counterparts But why? Why is it that we find the need to almost subconsciously raise our tone an octave and our vocabulary up a syllable or two? The reason is most simple: If we spoke on the phone to females, as we do to males, we would never have (any meaningful relationships with the opposite) sex.
Imagine a girl, who is beginning to grow a seedling of interest for you, and she works up the nerve to call you, and you flip open your cellular phone and give her a disinterested "Yeah." When she asks you how you are you say "Fine. What'sup." She tells you she's doing all right. Then you give her a resounding, "Coo. Laters."
To male friends, these cold, calculated, terse responses are completely normal. Business as usual. If you pull this with a potential lady, or even a girlfriend, forget about it. You might as well have picked up the phone, asked her for a pizza, then told her to fuck off when she asked you what size. (She knows you like medium! Jesus )
While "Girly Phone Voices" are completely understandable and accepted in today's college society, I believe that the effeminate airs that these males put on, should be met with compromise. In order to even out the playing field and avoid double standards (See Also: Women Have the Right to Vote) I think it's only fair for women to begin speaking in "Manly Phone Voices."
This role reversal will ensure that both parties are equally embarassed by the way they sound. In an ideal world, most conversations will sound like this:
Guy: Heyyyyyy" .
Guy: How are youuuu? How was class!?
Guy: Whadyou wanan do tonite? Do youuuu wanna hang out?
Guy: Yeah! Lets get something to eat!
Girl: Oh my God he is so cute"
Guy: I love that slut.
Amir Blumenfeld is a professional essayist impersonator. If you have any feedback on his articles, please don't email him, just think your opinions and he'll read them eventually.