Libraries are brothels for the mind. Which means that librarians are the madams, greeting punters, understanding their strange tastes and needs, and pimping their books. That's rubbish, of course, but it does wonders for the image of librarians.
Libraries were the original internet. All knowledge was available even in a local branch library. You could order a book and, if they didn't have it, they'd get it from a library in Yorkshire that did. This would give you the double pleasure of having the book you wanted and the knowledge that a Yorkshireman would be searching in vain for it. Of course, many libraries now have free internet access, which is useful for looking up things online, such as the library opening times.
There are two types of books in libraries: Catherine Cooksons and non-Catherine Cooksons. The non-Catherine Cooksons are big books on Britain's Railways From The Air for men to browse through while their wives choose a Cookson. When you're in a library, it's important to respect the signs saying "Silence". It's common courtesy, therefore, to speak quietly when on your mobile phone. For those who find keeping silent very difficult, there are special rooms where you can go and shout your head off. Look for the sign "Local History Archives".
Some rural areas have mobile libraries that drive around very slowly so the books don't fall off the shelves. Because mobile libraries can't be everywhere, they're absolute sticklers for late books, so will quite happily block your drive with their van until you hand back Tintin In Tibet.
In most libraries, there is a section of large-print books. The print is so large, in fact, that most of the text has to be removed. For example, in 100 Years Of Solitude, you'll be lucky to get 40 Years Of Moderate Loneliness. What makes this even more of a swizz is that they only tell you about this in the small print.
Pensioners use libraries much the same way as junkies use dealers. An average pensioner will read an entire library in a year. Once they get hooked on a Barbara Taylor Bradford, they'll need that same high time and time again. Eventually, they move on to something slightly harder, such as a Maeve Binchy. Finally, they end up stuck in a lonely room somewhere, mainlining book club offers. This is all rubbish, of course, but it does wonders for the image of librarians.