Yes Belle, keep on doing what you're doing, because you're a great inspiration to a lot of people.
I'm interested in your experience re: the staircase analogy (watch the video for those who don't understand). What was it like? Was it a mystical-type experience, did you feel superhuman, did time slow down?
I believe that we can have a calmer, everyday version of this if we just consider other people as we consider ourselves when we act - if we take responsibility for our actions. This is another way of dissolving ego boundaries.
I still think it was rooted at least in part in self-esteem issues where somewhere deep down you don't feel you're good enough and so it couldn't be you who were alert enough to save your child, so it must have been some outside force.
Let me ask you this: if your child had drowned, would you have as quickly blamed God? No, I think you would have blamed yourself. Why, because that would fit with that deep down low opinion of yourself.
It's a conjecture, not an assumption.
At the same time, what is your answer: If you reflexively thanked God, would you have blamed him or yourself had your child drowned?
Don’t be too quick to dismiss the comparison with addiction as being a useless explanation. Addiction is more than just making bad choices. It involves changes in brain chemistry and changes in neural pathways, meaning it alters the ability to make choices.
One way to conceptualize a neural pathway is like the path that gets worn when you take a shortcut across the grass instead of walking around on the sidewalk. The more times you do it, the deeper and more pronounced the path becomes. After a while, the existence of the path almost LURES you into taking it; why walk around when a path is there already? With addiction, the path becomes a rut - almost unavoidable. It can be avoided with great effort, but every time you walk that way you see the path and have to consciously remind yourself to walk around on the sidewalk. It takes a long time for the grass to grow back over the path. You may always be able to tell where the path once was, even after years go by.
Thought patterns ingrain themselves through repetition. You see it with addiction, with low self-esteem, with depression and anxiety, with highly specialized occupations, etc. Why not with religiosity? Religion is insidious; its tentacles reach into every part of one’s mind. Even years later, one can still find traces of the old pathways.
We all have moments of weakness, it happens. Don't worry.
The first thing that was in my mind after reading this Belle was "What did your son learn from his dip ?"
Happy he is safe, for both your sakes.
You sound like a good mom to me.
What Unseen said! :)