Gary Chapman’s fourth gift of love as listed in his book “The Five Love Languages” is Acts of Service. Chapman defines Acts of Service as “things you know your spouse would like you to do.” I define them lovingly as “honey do’s.” You may define them as chores.
Most households would not survive without the cooperation of families helping one another. For most of us, acts of service are defined at an early age. For example, toddlers are taught to pick up their toys and young children are given chores to teach them responsibility. In today’s family where both parents work and mothers are not stay-at-home moms, children often have a chore list. Our acts of service are defined and influenced by parents, our personality, our emotions and more importantly, our needs and wants.
In my practice, parents often ask me to help them write a behavior contract for their children, preteens and teens to help them establish rules and prevent unwanted behavior. Behavior contracts also can help define parents’ expectations and provides direction for children, preteens, teens and adults. One main advantage to using a behavior contract as part of a chore system is that it reduces confusion about who is responsible for the chore, allows input from the persons involved in the chore, and allows those involved to agree or disagree on the chore list. Behavior contracts should reflect the family’s personality and values and detail consequences and rewards for those acts of service they complete or do not complete. A behavior contract that is developed with love and commitment will be a tool in teaching responsibility and help organize your home.
We human beings are not created the same. We often don’t think in the same terms, nor do we define or perform acts of service in the same way. Some of us were taught by our parents that girls were responsible for the inside chores and boys were responsible for the chores outside. To coin an old phrase, “You’ve Come a Long Way Baby!”
In performing acts of service for each other, we may need to reexamine our stereotypes and align our attitudes. We do this easily when we realize the importance of such an act. If your mental picture is mowing the grass and maintaining your cars as providing an act of service for your spouse, ask yourself if your act of service is defining her love language. You will probably find that if her love language is acts of service, she would prefer you to fold the laundry or load the dishwasher.
Chapman states, that “criticism and demands tend to drive wedges. With enough criticism, he may do what you want, but probably, it will not be an expression of love.” What an eye opener! Sometimes in criticizing another, we actually are asking for an emotional need to be met. For example, Mary may dislike the fact that her husband Jerry fishes too often, however, she blames fishing as the activity that keeps him away from home and vacuuming the house and doing the “honey do’s” that were important to her.
Lastly, if your love language is acts of service and your spouse criticizes the result, understand that this may be a style difference and thank your spouse for her/his effort. An example of this may be in making a bed, you square the corners and he doesn’t, or you may like your silverware organized and he places them in the drawer upside down. Who cares? At least they were returned to the drawer. Have a laugh or two and smile.
Let me know what you think, or ask me a question by emailing me at email@example.com. Until next time, light and blessings to you.
Sandi Squicquero, M.Ed, LPC, is a clinical hypnotherapist in medical hypnosis.