Most people have either just completed or are in the middle of having their taxes done. This can often bring on bouts of frustration, anger or confusion. Every year I like to take a break and give a little levity to the tax season. Please enjoy the following tax humor.
What’s the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a financial problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
A fool and his money are soon parted.
The rest of us wait until income tax time.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
The month of July, 1776 that’s when we declared our freedom from unfair British taxation. Then, in 1777, we started our own system of unfair taxation.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C . . . The Russians used a pencil.
“The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans from your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And because it’s a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy.”
- Jay Leno.
When the White House released President Bush’s tax return, not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq.
- Conan O’Brien
“You must pay taxes. But there’s no law that says you gotta leave a tip.”
Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. “It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake.” Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, “Yup, it surely was.”
“Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.”
- Jay Leno
If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don’t teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.
- Fran Lebowitz
Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids.
- Harvey Mackay
The Internal Revenue Code is about 10 times the size of the Bible and unlike the Bible, contains no good news.
- Don Rickles