Grade-schoolers and fear
It's normal for your grade-schooler to be fearful. After all, anxiety is a natural condition that helps us cope with new experiences and protects us from danger. Grade-schoolers' worries are rooted in reality, though fears of the dark or the supernatural (ghosts, monsters, and aliens) may still persist. Some kids may still be afraid of animals, insects, and forces of nature like fires, thunderstorms, and earthquakes, though these fears are likely to diminish during the elementary years as your child gets more familiar with such phenomena. News stories about death, crime, violence, war, or natural disasters may also cause anxiety. Your 6- to 8-year-old may also worry about a serious illness, accident, or death in the family, since he now understands the significance of these events. A shy, sensitive, or withdrawn child may be afraid of strangers or social situations such as birthday parties, summer camp, or even school. Most of your grade-schooler's fears will pass as he becomes more secure in his world.
What you can do to ease your grade-schooler's fears
Acknowledge his fears. Don't try to minimize your child's worries just because they seem trivial to you. Instead, let him know that you understand that he's afraid, and that everyone is afraid of something at one time or another. If you're reassuring and comforting, then he'll learn that it's okay to have fears and that there are ways to confront them. "Try to depersonalize the fear by getting your child to talk about what's making him scared," says William Coleman, a behavioral pediatrician at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. "Fears won't go away if you ignore them."
Trying to convince your grade-schooler that there isn't any reason to be afraid will only backfire. If he's afraid of not making new friends at camp, you'll only make him more upset if you tell him, "It's okay, everyone makes friends at camp." Instead, try saying, "I understand that you're anxious about making friends. Let's talk about ways to make that easier for you."
Explain, expose, and explore. Since grade-schoolers are better able to express themselves than younger children, simply talking over their fears can be helpful. (But try not to discuss this at bedtime, when kids are more likely to feel fearful.) Putting a worry into words can make scary things seem less troubling. Or, consider confronting a particular fear together — from a safe distance or in a familiar context. For example, your child might have an easier time getting over a fear of dogs, if he has the chance to get to know a mellow mutt in the neighborhood.
Books and videos are a great way to confront fears from a safe distance. If your child is frightened because someone in the family is ill, read a book about a young child who copes with a similar situation. (Of course, you should avoid exposing your child to anything horrific, gory, or otherwise inappropriate, either on television or in books.)
Teach self-comforting skills. You'll help your child more in the long run if you teach him how to calm himself when he's anxious instead of always rushing to soothe him. If he's upset or agitated, ask him to take deep breaths or sing a favorite song. By redirecting his attention away from the object of his fear, he'll regain physical composure and then work on getting his feelings in check.
Praise every small step and focus your attention on his accomplishments rather than on the fear itself. "Some kids — like adults — do better with distraction, others with more information," says Kristi Alexander, a pediatric psychologist at Alliant International University in San Diego. "Try to figure out what works best for your child and have him use that strategy when he's afraid."
Don't be judgmental. Never make your child feel that he is immature for being afraid, and above all, avoid belittling him in front of his peers. Instead, empathize with him. Say: "I can see that you're really worried about the first day of school." Then together, brainstorm a plan that will help him cope. Talk with your child in a calm, matter-of-fact way about what's troubling him, and let him know that you're confident that he can overcome his fears. Ask him, "What do you think might help you feel less scared?" By encouraging his involvement, you help strengthen his coping skills.
Don't share your own fears. If your child sees you break out in a sweat because you're afraid of flying, or if you cringe when you walk into the dentist's office, then he's likely to feel scared of these things, too. So try to work through your own anxieties, or at least try to downplay them.
It's okay, however, to confess that you didn't like going to the dentist, either, as a kid, but you went to keep your teeth healthy. It helps a child to know he's not alone, and that you, too, learned to overcome something scary.
What to watch out for
If your grade-schooler's fears routinely interfere with his normal daily activities — if he won't go to summer camp because he's afraid of other kids or he sits on the side of the pool during swim lessons because he's afraid of the water — then talk to his pediatrician, especially if his fears have intensified over time. He may have a genuine phobia (a phobia is an intense and persistent irrational fear).
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