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Christian Scientists Report Pollution Causing Death of Angels
A panel of Christian scientists studying the impacts of global air pollution levels on heaven released a report today that indicates human activity is "very likely" to blame for a recent spike in angel deaths.
Detailed in an article titled "Analysis of Atmospheric Pollution Impacts on the Ongoing Angel Apocalypse" published in this month's issue of Christian Science, the group's research references the use of novel proprietary technology to track angelic mortality rates and causes of death over the past five centuries.
"Though invisible to the immodest human eye, the application of Numinous Scintillation Detection technology and Theophanic Electron Microscopy has enabled us to analyze tissue samples harvested from the remains of hundreds of angels from around the world, unequivocally demonstrating a concomitant relationship between rising global air pollution levels and fatal cases of pulmonary and cardiovascular syndromes such as emphysema, cardiomyopahty, chronic bronchitis and lung cancer," remarked Dr. Simon Hughes of Southern Nazarene University.
Moreover, an equally disturbing finding of the study indicates that large regions of heaven located over highly polluted parts of the world such as China and New Jersey have become uninhabitable to angels.
"As of today, we estimate 10-15% of heaven is no longer hospitable to angel life, a development that has disrupted the habitation and migration patterns of millions of angels, leaving the affected areas unprotected against the infernal machinations of the devil and his nefarious minions," Hughes said.
"Though not empirically verifiable, it's certainly likely that the tragic events of 9/11 as well as the disastrous earthquake that ravaged the Sichuan region of China a few months ago, were in no small part precipitated by a lack of angelic vigilance," added Hughes.
Similar to studies conducted by their secular counterparts, the ominous conclusions drawn by the panel's study have already begun to elicit critical derision from groups skeptical of the validity of research that suggests large quantities of airborne toxins could have a deleterious impact on the environment.
Remarked Charles Mirsky of Earth Second: "This kind of so-called science amounts to nothing more than a cynical ploy to create a cottage industry that capitalizes on peoples' fears. I mean, who's ever heard of a Chinese angel, anyway?"
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