|Reviews for King Bill|
| nightfuries chapter 1 . 1/12/2013
You know, for the most part, I've always hated reading poetry. But I was looking around FP and profile jumping when I saw this, and I thought "Okay, why not?" So glad I did. You've made me actually begin to really like poetry :)
I just love this entire thing. The poetry itself is very nice, language and rhyming and such, but the overall storyline is fantastic. I find it's a hard thing in poetry to find is one with a really interesting plot to read, and I absolutely loved this for it. Amazing work :)
| Complex Variable chapter 1 . 10/17/2012
[There was a king whose fame but lasts] - - - For some reason, I like "A king, there was, whose fame but lasts" better.
[Of seventh month, or so they say.] - - - Thy snarkiness doth displease me; either provide a regular stream of snarky, or, dispense with it entirely.
[A tale of war and death and lore.] - - - I like the more direct assonance that comes from re-ordering this as "A tale of war and lore and death"; you might also want to do it as "A tale of lore and war and death"—just because they make more conceptual sense in that order. However, I do so very much enjoy the "th" sound that would occur at the end of the line if "death" was the final word.
[Was giv'n] - - - there are some word where letter-murder is acceptable ("ne'r" and "e'er", most of all), but "giv'n"—that's just plain hard to say. XD
[skewer'd.] - - - This one passes. Barely—just BARELY...
[A mournful dirge, the bard now hums.] - - - non-sequiter excuse for lack of plot-relevant rhyme.
Also, the second line of that stanza is a little weird; why not try "marching in step with demons' drums"?
[Joanna hark] - - - "H", not "h"
[Save fam'ly leaving in swift flight.] - - - "Save one: a fam'ly in swift flight." is clearer than what you have now.
[Who did know swordcraft very well.] - - - No. (-_-)
[With final breath before she died,] - - - "With one last breath before she died."
[The cruel whips fell upon their backs.] - - - you fall out of the rhyme scheme here: "black" and "backs" do not mix.
[By Annabeth, their bodies lied.] - - - (Annabeth Beth ?) if so, "By mother Beth, their bodies lied" is clearer. As a rule, character's names should get SMALLER, not longer—save for when you have a damned good reason to do otherwise.
[The soldiers stopped while their swords slashed.] - - - "blades" instead of "swords"—it adds good variation.
Your characters' names are really, really random.
I can tell that this is a work by a "younger" you, but still—considering how rare narrative/epic poetry is these days, I have to say, you could do very interesting things with this. The last third or so, in my opinion, is the best; the battles scenes are particularly well told. It seems that you have more difficulty in describing long-term things (montages, A to B to C to D, etc.), and that your strength lies in writing of a single moment in time—a battle, an invasion—rather than in summarizing lots of events in a small space. There's a reason why epic poetry tends to be so long—they spend so much time elaborating on every event, so that the weakness of montage passages is avoided.
Thus, if you're considering going more with this (or with something similar), I would recommend investing a lot more stanzas (like, if I COULD write like this, I would re-work "King Bill" to have a LEAST twice as many stanzas as what you have now).
| Negasi chapter 1 . 2/2/2010
I like this piece, it has a typical yet more educated Fantasy feel to it. If your looking to make it a mythology, I personally think the stanza's need to be longer. Most mythology that I've come across tends to be long winded giving it a sort of epic feel. Now that's not saying there is anything wrong with your piece, I in fact quite like it. Just some constructive criticism!
| MidNight The Magnificent chapter 1 . 2/1/2010
Not bad. I like it, (short attention span), but if you're really going for a mythology, I think you need to improve on making your stanzas a tad longer. Otherwise, one doesn't quite get the epic feel, you get what I mean?
Otherwise, very good. I like the imagery and all that.
| AzaleaMija chapter 1 . 1/29/2010
I really like thtis one. It appears as if you put a lot affort into and it truly paid off. Fanastic job! I especially admire the format and the story.
| Isca chapter 1 . 1/28/2010
"There was a king whose fame but lasts / In verse and song." I love your use of enjambment here; it makes this stanza flow quite nicely.
This is my favourite part of "The Prophect": "A rising star shall shine soft light / And pierce the deadly black of night."
"Bern" reminded me of Gelderland.
I like the name "Joanna Hark"; it's catchy.