Police have blamed reckless Porsche driver Tim Brady for causing the tornadoes that ripped through parts of central and southern England yesterday. In a dramatic police chase, he clocked up 172 miles per hour on a country road where the speed limit is 60mph.
Community Policeman Nobby Nobb, who is a part-time lecturer in freak weather conditions at the Northampton Community College for People Who Didn't Get into University and who doesn't know how to swim, said:
"According to the laws of astrophysics, a ground speed of over 170 miles per hour in a ridge of high pressure can cause strong gusts of wind across a radius of 100 miles. We can safely assume therefore that the tornadoes were a direct result of this pillock's driving."
Brady, who is no relation to the Brady Bunch, admitted speeding but asked the court for leniency. His solicitor, Mr. Rex Carrs, told the Oxford Wooden Tops that his client was testing a theory he had seen in the movie Back to the Future.
"Mr. Brady felt guilty about causing the tornadoes so he decided to go back in time to stop them from happening and prevent all the damage that they caused. According to the Flux Capacitor Theory of Doc Brown, he had to clock up 88 miles per hour. Since he didn't have a flux capacitor, he figured he had to double his speed to achieve the same effect."
Jailing Brady for 10 weeks, Chairman Mao of the Wooden Tops said:
"Hasn't your client heard of the Novikov self-consistency principle, that says that if you travel in time, you cannot act in such a way so as to create a paradox?"