So, what do we do when a friend or family member’s financial or weight predicament threatens to spiral out of control? What do you say to your 65-year-old father who puts on 100 pounds in five years? How do you tell your mom you can’t support her if she has no savings when she retires? Simply, how do we confront a loved one about a problem that could seriously affect his or her well-being?
The short answer: be honest.
The long answer: well, read below.
See, I feel that dire, near-emergency health and money circumstances necessitate action, and that confrontation is vital when the stakes are that high. We waste so much time pussy-footing around out of propriety and politeness when open, caring communication might actually solve the dilemmas at hand. You absolutely don’t have to agree, though, and I’d love to hear from readers with differing opinions. (Er … and similar opinions, too. I like being agreed with.)
But before we kick off the DOs and DON’Ts of confrontation, know I’m not a psychologist, nutritionist, or financial planner. In other words, I’m not qualified IN THE LEAST to give this kind of advice. It comes from a combination of personal experience, total speculation, and a few hours of research. Use at your own risk, and holy moly, please don’t sue.
DO come from a place of concern. Why are you raising the issue? Is it out of personal gain or of genuine love and caring? The answer to these questions will dictate much about how you proceed.
DO make absolutely sure you want to go ahead with this. Serious weight and finance conversations are not the kind you want to have off the cuff. Self-worth, vanity, addiction, personal responsibility, stress levels, history, habit, family, and peer pressure are just a few of the exciting issues that can play into the discussion. If you’re willing to deal with them – aces. If not, perhaps there’s another solution.
DO consider approaching as a group (or at least taking a consensus). When multiple friends or family members raise an issue with a loved one, it can emphasize the urgency of a message and make it clear that more than one person sees the problem. (Strength in numbers and all.) However, before you sit down and talk, ensure that the group is all on the same page, with the same concerns and same positive solutions. You never want to dogpile on someone who’s probably already pretty down about herself.
DON’T cry wolf. A ten-pound gain and/or $200 debt aren’t tragedies. It’s when someone’s health or well-being are in serious danger you might want to raise a red flag. Calling out a minor bump in the road can cause resentment and make you seem like a busybody.
DON’T wait until the last minute. If you are truly concerned about someone’s weight or fiscal situation, the time to make your point isn’t during her foreclosure or his third bypass surgery. Voicing worries early can help prevent obstacles down the road.
DO time it right. Holidays and major life events cause enough stress as it is. Piling on, “Bro, I’m concerned about your six-figure credit card balance” won’t help. Pick a low-key afternoon or quiet lunch to start the conversation.
DON’T assume they don’t know already. Odds are that someone deep in debt or seriously overweight is 100% aware of his situation. What’s more, realizing that others are conscious of the predicament can be severely embarrassing. That’s why delicacy, sensitivity, and caring are the names of the game.
DO consider consulting a professional. If you’re feeling nervous or lost about where to begin, a therapist, doctor, or clergyperson can guide the way.
DO rehearse the conversation. Rushing into important talks without a clear idea of what to say can leave all participants confused and angry. Think about your message. Frame it honestly and positively. Practice delivering it in the kindest tone possible. Anticipate responses. This isn’t a debate, but going in with all your ducks in a row can only facilitate dialogue.
DON’T be judgey. You are not the moral authority here. Casting aspersions or telling someone her behavior is a result of personality failure can make her defensive, angry, and/or sad. Justifiably so. It also makes you a jackass.
DO be honest. Voice your concerns openly and kindly. Listen. Ask questions. Answer questions. If the situation affects you – like if your parents are flat broke and on the verge of retirement – say it.
DO speak wisely. Your choice of words could dictate everything about how the talk is going to go. “You’re an idiot with money!”/”Your behind is bigger than the sun!” will not get the discussion anywhere. Avoid insulting language.
DO use lots of “I” sentences. Relying on your own experiences is a great segue into talking about a loved one’s. Try it: “Ma and Pa, I recently became super-interested in my 401K. It’s really neat. How do you guys do yours?” or “Sis, I have a really hard time maintaining my weight. Can I talk to you about it?”
DO expect resistance, but take it in stride. “It’s none of your business,” “I’ll never lose 100 pounds,” or “Don’t you have your own money problems, Miss Unemployed Since Christmas?” are just a smattering of the exciting defensive responses you can anticipate when confronting a loved one about a major issue like this. Don’t take it as a personal attack. Accept it, make your points gently, and keep moving.
DO understand extenuating circumstances. Did this person just have a baby? Did someone close to her pass away? Did he have a car accident? Major life changes can have a profound impact on financial and physical health. Sometimes, they’ll take a lower priority to just getting through the day alive.
DON’T harp on it. Nagging gets no one anywhere, ever. I think my sister still smokes purely because I yell at her every time she does. Make your point and move on.
DON’T expect instant results. Understand that people change when they want to, not when you want them to. It’s one thing to express concern, it’s another to demand immediate satisfaction.
DO take baby steps. If your loved one is on the same page, offer assistance, and help them make incremental changes. Rome wasn’t built in a day, or even 40 days. It probably took decades, and even then, it wasn’t perfect. Weight and finance problems can take entire lifetimes to build up, and need additional days, months, and years to get better. Any progress is good progress.
And that’s it. But I’d love, Love, LOVE to hear readers’ opinions on this. Have you had to speak to a loved one about their weight or money? What did you do? How did it go? Have you tried any of these strategies? Did they work? What would you change for next time?