Welcome, Imyamen. That must have been some strong coffee. ;) I wish I could promise (and look forward to) another 50 pages, but my trip is nearing its end.
Thereís a very specific internal state thatís emerged from this journey. Iíd say itís a feeling, but thereís a distinction I canít articulate, so Iíll just describe the idea as it exists in my mind visually. (In my head) A state is a geometric shape that has a thick and uniform colored line around the perimeter, whereas feelings are little electric fuzzy balls bouncing around inside (or sometimes floating, rolling like steel balls or magnetically stuck to the sides). Feelings are fairly universal and rarely change, but states are forged with repeat experiences--internal reproductions of an external environment or experience. They can be peaceful (meditation, not that Iíd know) or troublesome (PTSD), and they can be anything in between. They change with age and new experiences, but old ones can be re-experienced with very specific sensory inputs (smells or songs, typically).
When I looked into the mirror the day I left I knew Iíd return different. That my leaving was a Ďsuicide of sortsí. The power of experiences has changed me into a different person. Things exist inside me that didnít exist when I began. And the things that did exist have been reshaped. The problem is that Iím nearing the end of my trip and Iím faced with living Ďnormallyí. But this new state isnít compatible with picket fences, 12 month leases or a regular mailing address.