Dear Miss Snark,
I was wondering...since you have been reviewing Santa's query letters, are they any better when really written in crayon by semi-literate six-year-olds rather than just seeming that way? Or is slush always slush, whether in Santa's pile or yours? ;-)
Santa doesn't have a slush pile. He accepts everyone onto his lists. You just want to make sure you're on the RIGHT list. Those naughty lists...well, let's just say you REALLYdon't want to be there. Those elves have a sense of humor that runs toward exploding underpants, red pepper toothpaste and anchovy pizza deliveries.
But if you're on the NICE list (sadly Miss Snark is not) Santa's elves are trained linguists and cuneiform experts. They have special elven lenses they use to examine letters that may be illegible to even the flintiest eyed agent. They can suss out the heart's desire of everyone under the age of ten.