One Day At A TimeThe feeling of worthlessness, lonliness, quietness, abandonment, fear for tomorrow, intolorent. I feel so unhappy sometimes, like last. I was up until like 2 a.m. repeatng to myself "why can't I be happy?" shedding tears along the way. The feeling of emptiness. I find myself in deep thought doing the most simplist things like eating. Staring off into space while in the middle of chewing.
Yesterday morning I was ontop of the world without a care. I stepped outside to check the mail and saw my teen neighbors guy friend getting out of his car; all these thoughts filled my head. "Is he looking at me?" "What does he think of me?" "Do I look like i'm trying to hard?".
I walked back into my house with my head lower than my shoulders. I relapsed into my old ways and habiits. Last year I use kill myself trying to read what other people thought of me. i would cry alone at night thinking about how I messed things up. I couldn't say a joke without thinking something like " Why did you say that, that's stupid! Now she thinks your a freak!"
I put so much pressure on myself.
It's not that extreme anymore as I am learning not to care what people think. I still think like that as you read earlier though but i'm ostrasizing my demons one day at a time.