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Kyle Whitmire writes political commentary for the Alabama Media Group. His work appears regularly in newspapers in Huntsville, Birmingham and Mobile and is online at AL.com all the time. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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The complete archive of Kyle Whitmire’s previous columns
I miss barroom arguments.
Once upon a time, and at least once a night, every decent watering hole had at least two old grouches arguing about sports. The subject of the argument was never anything important, of course. It was always over some trivial fact – and the more picayune the quibble, the bigger the argument would get.
For instance, who was the Minnesota Twin who pulled Ron Gant's foot off the bag, costing the Atlanta Braves the 1991 World Series?
An argument over something like that could go on for hours, usually ending with someone calling an, ahem, expert at the newspaper sports desk. If that didn't work, they could always fight.
But that doesn't happen these days. Today, there are smartphones.
And there is Google.
There is no mystery in the world anymore, and happy hours are a sadder for it.
(The answer, by the way, is Kent Hrbek. And not only will asking Google give you that answer, it will also serve up a video of that cheating s.o.b. and the sorry umpire who couldn't see the obvious right in front of his face.)
Google has made newsrooms more peaceful, too. Across the room, someone will yell, "What's the county seat of Cleburne County?"
Sometimes that someone is me. Yes, I had to memorize all the county seats in ninth grade. I took the test. I passed it. And then I made room in my brain for more important things, like lifetime hatred of Kent Hrbek.
The answer is Heflin.
I know because some smart-alecky coworker, who didn't grow up in Alabama and never had to drill the names of all 67 Alabama counties and their seats in ninth grade, will email me a link.
It's called "Let me Google that for You."
Let Me Google that for You is a website. You type in a question and it makes a smarmy little video of how to Google a simple question.
I've been on the receiving end of several such videos, but I've never been the sender.
Last month, the State of Alabama needed to answer a question: What is the median household income in Alabama?
In 2012, Alabama voters approved another amendment to our state constitution. This one indexed lawmakers' pay to the median household income in Alabama. It was supposed to save Alabama money and make lawmakers identify more with regular folks.
So what's the answer?
(I'll give you that answer for free. According to the U.S. Census Bureau it's $43,160. Thank you, Google!)
The contract for the law firm was negotiated by the daughter of former Gov. Bob Riley, Minda Riley Campbell, because nothing gets done in Montgomery without a lobbyist, especially one with strong family ties.
There is no mystery in the world anymore, except, perhaps, for why our government sometimes spends money the way it does.
I asked Google to explain, but it didn't know, either.