You are working to reduce the impact of the loss you are suffering.
You are calmly facing responsibilities, taking action, and dealing effectively
with problems and difficulties. You are
fixing the problem as you fix your hurt. You are taking action to reduce your
You are doing your best to cope with the loss.
- Responding to loss
- Contending with difficulties and acting to overcome them.
- Ways of dealing with stressful situations.
- Taking action to restore equilibrium.
- The struggle to go on.
- Solving problems.
- Reducing stress.
Coping is our human approach to solving problems. For problems that are
readily solved, for example fixing a flat tire, we cope by taking direct and
effective action on the problem. In this case we decide how best to repair the
tire, we repair or change the tire, and go on our way. The work is primarily external to
our self. If the problem is prolonged or unsolvable,
perhaps because it involves a permanent loss such as a broken relationship,
chronic illness, or
the death of a friend, then the focus of our coping is emotional. This may
involve grieving or reappraisal or simply taking time to accept and integrate the change
and restore ourselves to a new equilibrium. Here the focus of our work is
internal to our self. Most problems are a blend of these
extremes and require both problem-focused and emotion-focused coping efforts.
The English language has many words that describe various approaches to
encountering and confronting
problems. These include: battle with, carry on, confront, contend, deal, endure,
face, get by, grapple, handle, live with, manage, struggle, suffer, survive,
tangle, weather, and wrestle. These terms differ in the degree of success, effort,
and discomfort they describe. Coping is easier sometimes than at other times.
We become inured to a persistent problem when we become accustomed to the
annoyance after prolonged exposure to it. We become overwhelmed when our coping
ability is overloaded. We are in denial when we decline to acknowledge an
We are failing to cope when we avoid, disregard, evade, flee, ignore,
misdirect, mishandle, mismanage, neglect, retreat, or run away from our
Solving Ordinary Problems
The simplest and most familiar form of coping is the problem solving we do
every day. Consider this simple example. You wake up in the morning looking
forward to having bowl of cereal for breakfast before driving to work. You get
dressed, walk into the kitchen, grab a box of cereal, and look into the
refrigerator while you are thinking more about your day ahead than preparing
breakfast. You then notice there is no milk in the refrigerator. After quickly
considering the alternatives of eating out, eggs for breakfast, orange juice on
your cereal, skipping breakfast, or borrowing milk from the neighbor, you decide to drive to the
local store to buy milk. You return home after a quick trip to the store, enjoy
the bowl of cereal you have been looking forward to and then leave for
work. Other than an the unexpected quick trip to the store, your morning is going
about as well as it typically does.
Even this simple example proceeds through the following distinct stages of
problem solving and coping:
- Orienting—Noticing something interesting and turning your attention
toward it—In this example the ordinary morning routine was interrupted to
focus attention on the contents of the refrigerator and the threat of no
- Observing—Paying careful attention to what is going on—The contents of the refrigerator were
carefully examined in search of milk in this example
- Appraisal—Evaluating the impact of the observations on
goals—In this example the lack of milk will impact your goal of having cereal
- Deciding—Creating alternatives, assessing their value, planning, and
choosing your next actions—Here alternative breakfast plans were considered
along with alternatives for obtaining milk. After brief consideration, the
decision to run to the store was chosen as the best plan.
- Acting—Carrying out the decisions—Driving to the store to buy milk
completed the plan.
- Reappraising—Reflecting on the appraisal, decision, actions, and
result—You are satisfied with the good breakfast.
Things could have gone differently. If you expect your spouse to do the food
shopping, then when you appraised the impact of the
missing milk, you might have become angry at your spouse
for not thinking of you and your breakfast needs and for failing to buy milk to
meet your needs. Your goals or beliefs of: “Spouse shops”
or “I deserve” or “We made a deal” or “We agreed I'm too busy” or “All I do for
her” or “I deserve at least this much respect, what was she thinking” or “She
never does anything around here” or “It's unfair that I have to be bothered now
to get the milk” or “Here we go again” can all become important parts of the
appraisal. The anger results from the
appraisal that a deliberate unjust act has led to
Other appraisals would have led to other emotions. If you interpreted
the lack of milk as “She doesn't love me anymore” you might become
you were disappointed with yourself for not checking on the milk and shopping for
it yesterday you might feel embarrassment or shame. If the delay makes you late
for work you might be fearful or anxious about getting to work late. If you
explained the lack of milk as “I just can't do anything right” and felt
helpless or hopeless it could contribute to
When we solve problems it is helpful to consider: Have we chosen the best,
simplest, least intrusive, and
most complete solution? What are all the contributing causes of this problem?
What can we learn from this? How can similar problems be prevented in the
future? What are the emotional consequences?
Ways of Coping
There are many ways to cope with the problems we face. Research by
Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman has identified and categorized the thoughts
and actions people have used to cope with a specific stressful encounter. The
various approaches used in the coping process are grouped into these eight
coping factors measured by their
- Confrontive Coping: describes aggressive efforts to alter the
situation and suggests some degree of hostility and risk-taking. (Anger)
- Distancing: describes cognitive efforts to detach oneself and to
minimize the significance of the situation. (Denial)
- Self-Controlling: describes efforts to regulate one's
feelings and actions.
- Seeking Social Support: describes efforts to seek informational support,
tangible support, and emotional support.
- Accepting Responsibility: acknowledges one's own role in the problem
with a concomitant theme of trying to put things right. (Acceptance)
- Escape-Avoidance: describes wishful thinking and behavioral efforts to
escape or avoid the problem. Items on this scale contrast with those on the
Distancing scale, which suggest detachment. (Bargaining)
- Planful Problem Solving: describes deliberate problem-focused efforts to
alter the situation, coupled with an analytic approach to solving the
- Positive Reappraisal: describes efforts to create positive meaning by
focusing on personal growth. It often also has a religious dimension.
Various stages in coping with grief are described in the The Kübler-Ross
model. The model was introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book
& Dying. These
well-known “Five Stages of
- Denial—“It can't be happening.”—Ignore or discount the
- Anger—“Why me? It's not fair!”—Highlight the injustice.
Blame someone or something else for the loss.
- Bargaining—“Just let me live to see my children graduate.”—Negotiate
a better deal, gain time.
- Depression—“I'm so sad, why bother with anything?”—Act
- Acceptance—“It's going to be OK.”—Acknowledge the
problem, understand and accept what you can and cannot
change, and move on.
I added the names of the five stages at the end of the eight ways of coping
above to emphasize similarities in the models.
It is instructive and fun to suggest responses at each stage of the missing
milk problem that illustrate each of these styles. For example:
- a confrontive coping approach to discovering there is no milk might be:
Shouting a profanity, slamming and kicking the refrigerator door before
blaming (self, spouse, bad luck, always happens, the dog) for no milk.
- A distancing approach could be: reading the newspaper, turning on the
TV, shining shoes, or doing other things to delay and distract from
acknowledging the problem.
- A self-controlling approach is telling yourself: “now stay calm, missing
milk is not the end of the world, it's really no big deal” as you calm down
enough to take problem-focused action.
- In seeking social support you might ask your spouse for sympathy,
understanding, or help. You might also ask her to go for milk or cook you eggs.
- Acknowledging: “Rats, I should have checked sooner; my bad” accepts
responsibility (blame) for the missing milk and
leads quickly to accurately recognizing, acknowledging the solving problem.
- With the escape-avoidance approach you might shout “give me milk”
with the vague hope someone will hear and respond.
- Planful Problem Solving leads to the alternatives and solutions
- In positive reappraisal you might tell yourself that problems that don't
kill you can make you stronger, or that God is testing you with this
While we easily cope with ordinarily problems such as the no milk for breakfast
example, our coping skills are sometimes tested by much more difficult problems.
These include problems that are difficult or impossible to solve, problems that
require extensive resources to solve, chronic problems, sudden or irrevocable
and permanent loss, and problems
that have important personal meaning for us.
Difficult problems include: job change, having to move, too much to do, facing
final exams, housing problems, illness, accidents. These require significant
resources to resolve. They may also test your own competence.
Problems requiring extensive resources to solve include: Severe injury,
prolonged poor health, accident recovery, recovering from disasters such as
flooding or hurricane.
Stable but harmful life conditions present chronic problems including:
ongoing poverty, chronic illness such as diabetes, permanent injuries such as
spinal cord damage, persistent sources of fear such as living in a high crime
neighborhood, and on-going daily hassles.
Irrevocable loss is common and permanent. This includes: death, permanent
injury, divorce, job loss, aging, rejection from a job or romantic opportunity,
being passed over for promotion, losing the game, car accidents, wasted time or
money, retirement, and many other small and large losses.
In addition to the material losses, problems cause stress and emotional
responses based on our own appraisal of the personal
meaning of each. The missing breakfast milk could mean nothing, or it could mean
angry, jealous, ashamed or depressed based on the meaning you attribute to
Coping Requires Resources
Our ability to cope depends on the resources we can apply to solving the
problems. In the simple missing milk example the solution depended on having
money to buy the milk, a store nearby, a way to get to the store, and time to
spend shopping. A trivial issue for someone with these resources can become a
matter of life and death for someone who is impoverished or is lost in the
Resources to help in coping may include: intelligence, education, experience,
creativity, money, tools, materials, social skills, emotional competency, perspective,
perseverance, resolve, tranquility, serenity,
tolerance, rest, supportive friends and family, charm, health and
energy, optimism, time, patience, confidence, courage, judgment, ingenuity, and
other personal strengths.
If resources are unavailable or become exhausted then coping becomes less
effective, suspends, or stops altogether. Coping may resume if resources again
become available. A simple example of this is regaining strength and resolve
from a good night's sleep and hearty breakfast. A more complex example is the
long wait for relief aid that refugees may face.
Stress is the word we use to describe the resources
consumed by coping; these are the resources required to counteract a stressor.
The meaning you attribute to any particular event
depends on three basic conditions, your goals,
beliefs, and resources. These vary greatly from one
person to the next and as a result the personal meaning attributed to the
particular event also varies greatly.
Without a goal at stake there is no potential for stress
or emotion. Any particular event may advance your
goals, thwart your goals, or be irrelevant to them. It may advance some goals
while thwarting others. The impact on our goals
determines the extent of the stress, the coping
strategy, and the type and strength of emotions that are elicited.
What we believe determines how we interpret events. A given event may
strengthen a belief, challenge it, or be irrelevant. Some particularly
significant events cause us to reevaluate and change our beliefs.
Stress consumes resources to carry out our coping strategy and overcome the
problem presented by the stressor. If we have
abundant resources, the problem is easily overcome. If our resources are scarce,
taxed, or exhausted, we may be unable to cope with even a minor problem. The
nature of our resources determines our approach to coping. If we lose our house
in a fire, a financially well off person, or someone with adequate insurance can
readily replace the house. Someone without these financial resources cannot.
The primary goal of coping is to manage stress—the
resources required to counteract a stressor. Since stress is the cost of coping,
it is sensible and efficient to reduce that cost.
Effective coping reduces stress, either by removing or modifying the stressor,
or by managing our reaction to it. Ineffective or insufficient coping does not
reduce stress. Think of water pouring into the basement as a stressor and
pumping out the water as coping. Stress is the energy it takes to run the pump.
As long as the pump keeps up with the incoming water the basement stays dry; the
pump is coping with the water. If the rate of incoming water increases or the
pump slows down, the system is soon overwhelmed and the basement begins to
flood. Effective coping describes the ability to continuously counteract the
stressor with available resources. Ineffective coping exhausts resources before
fully counteracting the stressor and the system becomes overwhelmed.
Two Aspects of Coping
Effective coping address two different sources of stress: 1) solving the material
physical problem, and 2) addressing the accompanying emotions. The salience
of the two depends on the nature of the stressor. If the problems caused by the
stressor can be solved or eliminated, for example by buying milk in our simple
missing milk example, then an effective problem-focused coping approach is
emphasized. However if the stressor cannot be removed or modified, for example
when caring for a loved one with incurable Alzheimer's disease, then an emotion-focused coping approach is adopted. In this case the fundamental problem of
curing Alzheimer's remains impossible to solve in the time available and is appropriately ignored and
abandoned. Coping usually requires a blend of these two approaches to address
the full complexity of the problem. Effective coping accurately recognizes what you
can change and what you cannot. Ineffective coping confuses the two.
Solving the Problem—Problem Focus
The fortunate among us routinely solve problems every day. For example:
- If we are out of milk or cereal we shop and buy more.
- If the car is out of gas we fill it up. If it is running poorly we take
it to the mechanic and have it fixed.
- If we are assigned homework, we complete the assignments. If we have a
test next Tuesday, we study for it.
- If we are overloaded at work, we stay late or bring work home to
- When bills arrive we pay them.
When we have the resources to solve problems we hardly give them a second
thought. The stressor is routinely removed or overcome and the problems create little or no
stress and elicit few if any emotions. We may feel
some mild frustration at facing some of these or we may feel some
joy or pride
at overcoming them. Our competency is
reassured. But coping is very different when resources are limited.
Consider the difficultly we have in coping with even simple problems if
resources are inadequate, for example if we
are unemployed or in substantial debt. Bills pile up, we may face eviction from our home, we may not
have money to eat adequately, mounting stress disturbs our sleep, and there may be no relief in sight.
Problem-focused solutions are not apparent, stress mounts, and emotions become
intense. We may feel anxious or afraid because of the new dangers we face. We
feel sad because of the on-going losses. We may feel
angry at those we blame for
our troubles. We may feel guilt or shame for losing our job or incurring debt. We may become
depressed if we lose hope.
Our competency is challenged. While our problem-focused coping efforts are frustrated, we also employ emotion-focused coping efforts to help quiesce and
resolve our various emotions.
Ineffective methods for coping with mounting bills are especially plentiful.
People ignore them, delay, burn them, shred them, mail them in the wrong envelopes,
send unsigned checks, bounce checks, send them to
friends and relatives, make partial payments, dispute them, deny responsibility,
beg for time, insult or threaten the creditor, blame or attack anyone and
everyone, cry, throw a tantrum, scream, get drunk, get stoned, gamble, shop, become
violent, incur more debt, beg for money, or leave town. These are all ineffective approaches to solving the problem and they
are also largely ineffective at coping with the emotions.
Other problems are complex and also emotionally charged. Consider the
many problems a teenager who becomes unexpectedly pregnant faces. Addressing the
problem requires making the difficult decisions of: Who does she confide in?
Where does she go for advice and help? What is the best prenatal care? Does she want to have the baby or
terminate the pregnancy? If she has the baby does she keep it or have it
adopted? If she decides to keep it, what role does the father play? Who will
raise the baby? Will she drop out of school? In addition, stress is high and
emotions are running rampant. The joys
and pride of motherhood are tempered by the many
fears and anxieties of many new responsibilities. She may feel
guilt, shame, or
over the circumstances of the pregnancy. Her resources for coping may become
overwhelmed by the magnitude and difficulties of these problems.
Addressing the Emotions—Emotion Focus
While the solvable problems described above have emotional aspects that
need to be addressed, we also face many unsolvable problems. These often involve
permanent loss such as destroyed property, serious injury, death of a friend,
divorce, chronic illness, or death of a spouse or close relative. There is no
effective problem-focused solution to these unsolvable problems. The
problem-solving focus becomes internal as we reappraise or assimilate
personal meaning of the loss and we take the time required for changes to occur
within ourselves. Others may also have to cope with the loss, their emotions,
and new aspects of our relationships.
Caregivers to the chronically and terminally ill face the chronic stress
and wrenching emotions
of unsolvable problems every day. In their book Coping with Chronic Stress
researchers Cignac and
Gottlieb describe the various approaches such caregivers use to cope with their
emotions as they endure the on-going stress of their difficult duties. These
illustrate a wide range range of emotion-focused strategies.
- Making Meaning—The caregiver reminds themselves that the patient's
behavior is the result of the disease and suffering and does not represent
the intent, character, or personality of
either the caregiver or the chronically ill person.
They don't take anything personally.
- Acceptance—The caregiver accepts that the disease is continuing, the
chronically ill person needs their help, it won't get better, and everyone
is doing their best.
- Positive Framing—The caregiver focuses on the most positive aspects of
the situation and minimizes, ignores, or dismisses the negative aspects.
They recognize what they can change and what they cannot and choose an
optimistic explanatory style.
- Wishful Thinking—The caregiver wishes things were different and
fantasizes about how things could be better.
- Avoidance / Escape—The caregiver physically or mentally leaves the
patient or postpones their responsibilities and emotional involvement for
some short period of time.
- Vigilance—The caregivers continually and carefully watch the ill person and remain
mentally alert and preoccupied with providing the best care and comfort to
- Emotional Expression—Caregivers openly express and display their
- Emotional Inhibition—Caregivers suppress or refuse to display or discuss
the emotions they are feeling.
- Optimistic outlook—Caregivers become
optimistic about the course of the
disease and outlook for the future
- Pessimistic outlook—Caregivers become
pessimistic about the course of
the disease and outlook for the future. They may fear suffering a similar
- Humor—Caregivers tease or joke with the ill person, especially when they
display the more troubling symptoms and behaviors.
- Seeking Help—Caregivers seek practical and emotional help from others
- Verbally managing symptoms—Caregivers seek to manage the ill person's
behavior verbally with explanations, changing the subject, reassurance,
making requests, and providing directions and instructions.
- Behaviorally managing symptoms—Caregivers seek to manage the ill
person's behavior with actions such as assisting with tasks, interrupting
difficult behavior with distracting activities, rearranging the
room, or taking over tasks or decisions.
When the stressor is an unsolvable problem, then any coping strategy that
relieves stress and resolves emotions without causing further problems or
destruction is a good choice.
Denial as Coping
I typically look away whenever a nurse draws my blood. It seems to help; I
don't like seeing myself getting pierced with a needle and I don't like the
sight of blood, especially my own. More importantly, my watching closely won't
help; the nurse is drawing the blood and does it quite well without my help.
When we are unable to face the truth, we may take refuge in
denial—failing to acknowledge evidence. This can
be an effective and beneficial coping strategy if there is no (further) action
to take that can
alleviate the problems caused by the stressor. Avoidance, even in the extreme
form of denial, can help us accept those things we cannot change.
But denial only delays effective action and prolongs the harm if there
are steps we can take to address the problem. If an internal
locus of control is warranted, then denial is not
appropriate. We cannot change what we do not acknowledge, and denial is a
refusal to acknowledge the truth and face the facts.
- “You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.” ~ Dr.
- “Denial: Don't even know I am lying.”
~ Clever bacronym
- “Life is not what it's supposed to be. Its what it is. The way you cope
with it is what makes the difference.” ~ Virginia Satir
- “Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it”
- “All living souls welcome whatever they are ready to cope with; all else
they ignore, or pronounce to be monstrous and wrong, or deny to be
possible.” ~ George Santayana
- “Every human being must find his own way to cope with severe loss, and
the only job of a true friend is to facilitate whatever method he chooses” ~
- “Political history is largely an account of mass violence and of the
expenditure of vast resources to cope with mythical fears and hopes” ~
Stress and Emotion: A New Synthesis,
by Richard S. Lazarus
Coping Theory and Research: Past, Present, and Future, Richard S.
Lazarus, Psychosomatic Medicine 55:234-247 (1993)