10 Really Stupid Ways To Save Money.
Because, sometimes, stupid decisions and warped logic are the essence of thriftiness:
1) Go commando. Is giving up underwear going to save you on laundry bills? No. But if you have a dangerous shopping habit, here’s one way to get rid of it: “Ooo look at those jeans… maybe I should try them on? Oh, no, wait. I can’t. Because that would be gross. And uncomfortable.” Voila. Problem solved.
2) Enter your pin number wrong. You don’t need will power to avoid Starbucks when your debit card is blocked. (Yeah, I’m still waiting for my replacement pin…)
3) Get a cat. I spent the other day at my friend’s flat looking after her cat. And ruffling his fluffy little cheeks, I found myself thinking: You know what? I don’t need friends. I just need unconditional affection from an animate object. Forget the dinners and drinks and nights out. I’m going to get a cat. I suggested this idea to my friend when she returned. “What are you going to do when you go traveling?” she said. “Sell it on craigslist?” I replied. Apparently, I am not pet-ready.
4) Write a novel. You will never make any money, ever. But think of all those hours you’ll fill, and it won’t cost you a penny!
5) Move to Queens.* Who knew two blocks north of the L line was outside of Brooklyn? Goodbye, hipsters. Hello, cheap rent…
Shit that happens in Queens, apparently.
6) Hookup with a bartender. If it goes well, you get free drinks. If it goes poorly… well, there’s a bar you’re not tempted to visit.
7) Start drinking whiskey. Drink Popov on the rocks and people will know you’re broke. (Also, your mouth will feel like death.)
But order whiskey, and even if it’s Old Crow, no one will question you drinking it neat. They’ll just think you’re badass.
8) Develop an allergy. I’m allergic to aspartame. I think. Anyway, saves me a bunch of money I might be tempted to spend on diet coke and chewing gum and frozen yoghurt.
9) Go to restaurants known for poor service.
At least you didn’t have to pay?
Like Momo Sushi Shack. Great food, but after they forgot to put our order through, we waited for 45 minutes, they patronized us instead of apologizing, and generally treated us like we weren’t worthy of their table space, we didn’t feel too bad about knocking the tip down a percent or two.
10) Date someone with a Netflix account. And get them to login on your laptop. “Honey… why is my Netflix suggesting I watch more episodes of Say Yes To The Dress?” Oops.
*This one isn’t really stupid. In fact, it’s a pretty smart idea, if you ask me. But then again, maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better about the fact that I’m moving to Queens.