Given the almost universal meaning of spitting at someone as a sign of disrespect, I can see how some parents take it personally and respond indignantly with some variation on “Don’t you dare spit at me…I’m your mother and no child of mine is going to …”
But do you really think your child is thinking “I spit on you! You low class…blah blah blah?”
Because they’re not. Their spitting is NOT pre-meditated disrespect.
But it is a sign of anger.
Overwhelmed young people literally can’t self-regulate and don’t have the wear-with-all to say, “Excuse me Mom, I’m really angry right now. I feel like no one is caring about what’s going on for me. I don’t want to go to that party. I feel like I haven’t had enough time with you. You’ve been with the baby forever and now I’m supposed to just get in the car and I’m hungry and I want to play with you and I don’t give a shit about some friend turning four.”
So they spit.
But they don’t consciously CHOOSE to spit.
They’re not thinking, Hmm, should I spit at Mom, or should I hit her?
Unfortunately, it seems that spitting is so offensive to some parents that they don’t focus on the cause (anger, confusion, hurt, panic, fear…) and instead focus on the symptom (spitting). This, I believe, leads to more rage. And, ultimately, down the road will likely result in a kid having ZERO interest in sharing their true feelings with their adult loved ones because if they don’t do it “right” then they know they’ll just get in more trouble. Who needs that?
My thoughts about a spitting child would be, Wow, she’s spitting. She must really be in pain. How can I help?
My actual response to them might be something like, “You’re sooo angry. So angry you’re spitting at me. I don’t like to be spit on but you can you push my hands or hit the sofa or scream. We’ll work through this together. But yes…get the anger out first.” Likely I’d say it in fewer words!
What I wouldn’t say is, “Don’t you spit at me! No child of mine will be allowed to be a disrespectful…..” because…
Admonishing the spitter for spitting leads to more anger which leads to more spitting.
Understanding the pain beneath the spitting leads to more understanding and trust and closeness which ultimately eradicates the spitting.
(And is threatening, shaming or punishing really how one wants to earn respect? And while certainly your can scare or threaten your child into not spitting it doesn’t mean they are truly respecting you, they are just conforming to the way you want them to act so you can feel respected even if you aren’t. I mean, you can’t really teach respect by being disrespectful. Can you?)
Here’s a short, relevant selection from a book I HIGHLY recommend called Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Laura Davis:
“Behind every behavior is an impulse or an attempt to communicate that can be supported. Even “hostile” gestures can come from a basic desire to communicate.
People hurt others only as much as they themselves are hurting. When they hurt others it is because they are often feeling hurt, mad or scared themselves. A child who pushes another child out of the toy car may be feeling crowded and scared.
When a child is hurting other children it may be hard to remember that he’s feeling vulnerable or scared himself. But if you merely punish him you load more hurt onto the existing hurt. If instead you take into account his circumstances and motivation, you can approach conflict resolution from a less punitive perspective than “let’s punish the wrongdoer.”
• People in conflict are best served by mutual solution. When conflicts are resolved in a way where somebody ‘wins’ and somebody ‘loses’ there are always scores to be settled later on. Mutual solutions are far more satisfying to everyone in the long run.
• Everyone deserves to be listened to. really being able to listen to another person’s point of view while being able to clearly state your own, is at the core of effective problem solving. Listening helps people grow. Even when people’s opposing desires and needs and wants make it impossible to come up with a mutual solution, people who feel their ideas have been heard and valued experience a lot less disappointment and anger when they don’t get what they want.
•Conflicts are resolved only when each person in the conflict is finished with the interaction.
If you think about it, spitting, if you delete the sign of disrespect adults have attached to it that young children would have no way of knowing, is far less hurtful than hitting—physically speaking. It’s only saliva. Saliva may feel wet and unexpected but come on, there are plenty of times people welcome it on their bodies….like when they french kiss.
And really I’d say, “If you want to spit, let’s do it outside. Or over here where I can easily wipe it up.” If a child time and again is patiently offered helpful language like “I need space” or “Please listen to me” or I’m frustrated” they won’t need to be told not to spit, they’ll just go to something more effective.
And all will be well with the world!