Fortunately, the favourite utterance of fools may soon be consigned to oblivion. Researchers for the US National Institutes of Health have found that drinking caffeine-free, rather than unadulterated, coffee increases the levels of "bad" cholesterol in the blood which can lead to grotty arteries and heart disease.
The researchers (that's scientists funded by an agglomeration of proper public health bodies, all you decaf doilies who are trying to raise your papery hands in protest) described the findings, which were based on people drinking three to six cups a day, as "very surprising." But for those of us who are sick of being harangued by Quorn-filled, carb-less freaks intent on using their rapidly diminishing physical resources to suck the little remaining joy from the lives of anyone acquainted with them, the results were better described as "very delightful."
It is enough merely to acknowledge this development. But it does open up a world of counterintuitive possibility - a world in which saturated fat may one day be proved to sluice out instead of stop up arteries, refined sugar is revealed to be just the thing for buffing up tooth enamel and complex carbo-hydrates are instrumental in purging the body of cellulite. Or, even better, a world in which muesli causes deep vein thromboses, carrot sticks and hummus give you BSE and brown rice makes your head explode.
Perhaps if we get enough scientists to put their heads down and concentrate, the greatest triumph of all will come to pass. The headline will read: Pork Scratchings Cure Cancer - Sunflower Seeds Do Sod All.