If you think about it, us humans boil down to fancy super computers swimming in a primordial soup of hormones and chemicals that dictate much of how we feel, behave and act. So much of this is hard-wired into our brains and bodies that we don’t even realize that much of our pleasure, pain, fear, anger and behavior is simply biological responses to stimulus. The feeling of pleasure in our bodies are the result of two neurotransmitters: serotonin and dopamine. A neurotransmitter is basically a chemical messenger that carries messages and signals between neurons and other cells in the body attaching to receptors. These neurotransmitters are critical for everyday life and functioning and can be impacted by disease, drugs and lifestyle.
So our mood, happiness and pleasure are dictated by dopamine and serotonin. Now serotonin is the calming, loving feeling. Think Zen Master. This loving feeling of attachment for kids or long-standing relationships also produces other hormones such as oxytocin to support this bonding. By contrast, dopamine is the rock star thrill-seeking super high feeling neurotransmitter. The falling in love feeling, the super addictive chemical makes us act irrationally and has a huge role in addiction. In the same way we can become addicted to the idea of a new love interest (or lust interest) we can become addicted to cocaine. The fact that it results in irrational thinking is important for those of us who are married, in that outside influences and people can trigger this release while our steady-eddy spouse or selves may not.
That’s something that Athol Kay put into context (and likely others before him) as it related to marriage and marital sex. Or at least that was the first place this concept crossed my radar screen. How, in a so-called pleasurable long-standing relationship, we often end up with a full vessel of serotonin but not much dopamine or epinephrine or norepinephrine (the latter two are often called adrenaline and noradrenaline two hormones secreted by the adrenal glands). The excitement simply wears off. And that’s when things go bad.
Couples get bored, they go through the motions, but the excitement just isn’t there. Some people reintroduce excitement through drama such as fighting which lends credence to the idea of makeup sex, since after that dopamine release that lust/excitement is triggered as well. Most of us though need to consciously keep on eye on this and make efforts to keep doing things that provide that dopamine drip. Things like go-carts, zip lining, roller coasters, getting in front of a group at an improv class or toastmasters can all individually or as a couple increase stress and excitement a little or a lot. That long kiss instead of the peck gets the heart fluttering a little. That attractive partner who flirts and plays instead of being the dutiful household soldier goes a way as well. In the bedroom, simple accessories such as a blindfold or scarves can make the routine more exciting.
Some other things to continue to elevate serotonin include avoiding alcohol, working out, dark chocolate and positive self image. Dopamine is adversely impacted by poor food choices (sugar, soda, bread which are similar to a low-grade drug and is why we like to eat that junk), nicotine and caffeine. Vitamin B6, omega-3 fatty acids and amino acid L-tyrosine have had positive impacts on dopamine as well.
Being aware that our lust and love and pleasure are driven by chemicals in our body, along with hormonal impacts, is one of the foundational aspects we must recognize to stay happily married. So many people simply think that their marriage is boring, and that some other person will bring them that excitement again (which does happen – for a short while), and fall into the pattern where that new excitement/person/relationships gets boring. Instead of working on keeping the passion alive, they right it off for dead and move on to the next relationship/marriage where the pattern continues.
At this stage of our Red Pill education, it’s a “duh” type thought for many of us, but I remember when I first stumbled upon this knowledge it was like I just found out the world wasn’t flat. It was a game changer. Now we may not be able to find immediate reception to our efforts to change the norm, but at least knowing some of the rules of the game will put you in a spot where you know why things are or aren’t great. Or why you aren’t happy. And remember, you can chase happiness, excitement and pleasure in individual ways as well. While we are bonded as married folks to an individual, our happiness (or lack thereof) shouldn’t be dictated by them. Be awesome yourself and likely they’ll want to join them in your ass-kickery.