A few co-workers and I were talking about bullies the other
And it reminded me how hard it is to realize that something is
wrong when you are in the middle of it.
Case in point: when I was college-age, we had a friend who was a
long-distance runner. He was a kind, gentle guy and I thought very
highly of him.
One of the members of our little group nicknamed him "Minimus
Vulgi." That's Latin for "lowest of common people." From my
perspective, it referred to the quiet, humble ways which I admired.
I called him "Minimus" for short.
He had many skills, and was a high achiever at things none of us
had even thought to try. It never occurred to us that his silence
might have been in response to our inadvertent cruelty rather than
his "humble" personality.
One day he called me on it, said he hated that name. And I
realized that, even if we didn't mean it as an insult; even if
there was practically no chance other students knew what it meant;
even spoken in the most loving way —— an insult is an insult, just
as a rose is a rose.
And those of us who called ourselves his friends were guilty of
I hate the very thought that I spent even a day in the ranks of
people who inflict that kind of harm on someone else, but there it
And it took a discussion about others to make me see the dark
place in myself.
So what is bullying all about, anyway?
Experts at the National Association of School Psychologists say
it's "an unacceptable antisocial behavior that is learned through
influences in the environment, e.g., home, school, peer groups,
even the media. As such, it also can be unlearned or, better yet,
I like to think I unlearned it, no matter how its bitter seed
took root in me.
But getting back to our office conversation: Bullying is taking
increasingly dangerous forms. Statistics from the Association's Web
site say bullying is the most common form of violence in our
society, with between 15 percent and 30 percent of students either
bullies or victims.
What is wrong with children who consider threats, torture and
violence a form of entertainment? And what to do about it? It seems
we're reluctant to act against them because we perceive them as
children engaged in childish games. But we need to nip it before it
results in negative consequences for all concerned.
All children are born bullies, to some extent. They start out
controlling their home environment from the moment they arrive,
having their needs met on demand. When thwarted, they cry and
scream and throw their little weight around until they gain
complete surrender from those who are old enough to know
I don't believe in neglecting their needs or beating them into a
semblance of obedience. But a little firmly reinforced
socialization goes a long way. Just say no, sometimes. Teach them
that others have rights. Teach them that someday, someone may come
along with a stronger will and a bigger stick.
There's a difference between indulging the little sweeties
occasionally and spoiling them rotten. Spoiled kids, like spoiled
food, stink even from a distance.
If bullies are allowed to get away with targeting those who are
smaller or weaker, how will they classify grown-ups who surrender
to them at every turn? Do their parents sleep with their bedroom
doors locked? Maybe they should.
Contact staff writer Agnes Diggs at (760) 740-3511 or