When and how self-control developsSelf-control is a skill that children learn over time. You need only look at a nine-month-old gleefully tossing food around to know that babies don't have much self-control — and we don't expect them to. But by the time he's two, you can expect him to listen to you and try to do as you say. And by his third birthday you'll be insisting that he follows all sorts of rules, from not sneaking biscuits out of the biscuit barrel to not hitting and biting his friends.
25 to 30 months
Because your child's verbal skills are getting better, he's also exerting more self-control. Having language means he can make his wants known without always acting on them — at least not immediately. Children can also use language to direct their own behaviour. You may hear your two-year-old saying, "Be careful" over and over to himself as he climbs the stairs.
At this age, you can make the most of your child's desire to be "big" and competent. Praising mature behaviour — "Wow, you put the building blocks away all by yourself!" — is a powerful motivator. You can distract your child from disruptive behaviour and direct his energy into something productive by giving him a job to do. For example, when your child's reaching up to open the cutlery drawer, you can ask him to put a spoon at everyone's place at the table instead. If he throws his coat on the floor, he might be happy to hang it up on "his special hook".
You also have another powerful ally in your attempts to encourage self-control: shame. He's developing a conscience now, which is a strong force in his attempts to control his impulses. But it's also important not to focus on his character: "Only naughty boys are mean to their mummies." Focus instead on the behaviour: "We speak softly in the house, we don't shout." Explain why you don't like what he's doing — "When you shout at me like that, my ears hurt" — and allow your child to work out this inner struggle on his own. Juggling his wants and needs with his emerging conscience is how he'll learn to exercise good judgment.
31 to 36 months
Cognitively, children this age are developing a sense of the future and the ability to anticipate. This means that waiting for a turn with a toy begins to make sense to your child as he realises he's going to get his go. You may still need to remind him that his turn is coming, though.
He's also slowly beginning to develop empathy, allowing him to weigh his own desires against another's. However, he may not always do the right thing. He may know that his little sister is upset because he won't let her on his tricycle, but still doesn't give her a turn because he really wants to go for another spin. But at least he's starting to temper his own impulses by taking into account other people's feelings.
What happens nextYour child will be honing what he's learned in the years to come. During the preschool years children learn that the simplest, quickest solution isn't always the best one. So rather than yanking a book away from another child, your child will learn to wait for it or walk away because the book doesn't matter to him as much as it does to his friend. Your child will learn best by example — this type of self-control has to be modelled and taught by parents and teachers. Once he goes to school he'll learn even better self-restraint because he'll learn its value in making and keeping friends and in succeeding at school. He'll also learn to make long-term decisions instead of going for what he wants right now, this instant.
When to be concernedThere's no clear-cut timetable for when young children ought to learn self-control, but if you don't see any steady improvement over time, speak to your health visitor or doctor. You should also seek advice if your child seems overly aggressive towards others and can't control his outbursts or physical attacks. He may be under pressure or may feel intensely frustrated or upset about something he can't voice.
Last reviewed: July 2010