After watching this movie a second time, I've realized something about myself; I am an indomitable, unreasonable idealist when it comes to cinema. Like, to a gross and kind of masochistic extent. I like movies more often than not for what they could have been, which is exactly why I had to watch Dark Shadows more than the sufficient once-over to determine that like incandescent light bulbs, the movie had a lot to offer, but roughly 95% of its potential energy burnt off in a wave of useless heat instead of actual light.
If they had only devoted an extra half hour to character development, I moaned, if they just had placed a couple hints here and there that the daughter was werewolf, snipped that kitsche final fight scene and replaced it with some meaningful dialogue relevant to everything that had happened during the past hour, if Heather whatserface had been given more lines actually befitting a co-protagonist/believable love interest and not a robotic plot device... You could have made something of yourself, I whispered, You could have been something.
It's not your Fault
I'm not Human At All
I got not Heart