Heard the one about the 4-year-old who overhears an adult telling a joke about a condom on the veranda, and who then asks, ``What`s a veranda?``
As I consider the antics of my grandchildren, I wonder how they ever can develop wholesome attitudes toward sex when they are bombarded by daily messages telling them that sex might kill them.
And how, in the face of graphic messages about the mechanics of sex, can they ever make the critical connection between emotional commitment and sexual expression?
I`m not sure they can. And neither are experts.
Dr. Richard Carroll, director of the Sex and Marital Clinic at the University of Chicago Medical Center, said, ``The strongest messages that children get about sex these days are negative, and it remains to be seen what effect this will have on them later in life.``
``It is one thing to teach caution, but it is quite another thing to scare kids to death,`` Carroll added.
Among the things ``scaring`` doesn`t do is stop children, or adults, from sexual activity. ``It was proven years ago that the prediction of dire consequences did not stop people from masturbating or from engaging in sexual activity despite the threat of syphilis,`` Carroll said.
While it may be too soon to know what the continuous dissemination of AIDS-related news is doing to developing sexual attitudes, one thing is certain: The need for sensible parental and school guidance never has been greater.
``There is a more immediate need to do a good job of providing your children with balanced information about sex,`` Carroll said. ``And children always get sex messages from their parents, even if the parents don`t talk with them about it.``
``Parents are the best sex educators,`` Carroll said, ``and they should not be embarrassed or anxious about talking about sex with their children. They have the responsibility to understand the issues and to present them in a way that the child can understand.``
An important part of giving balance to sex information, Carroll said, is to understand that certain aspects of AIDS have been exaggerated in people`s minds. ``The risks to heterosexuals have been magnified, and there is lots of misinformation around,`` Carroll said, adding that AIDS nonetheless is a serious health threat.
Dr. Domeena Renshaw, professor of psychiatry and director of the Sexual Dysfunction Clinic at Loyola University, also emphasizes the importance of sex education by parents.
``When parents do not teach their children about sex, other children teach them,`` Renshaw said. ``They (the children) do this teaching in exciting, secret, scary, forbidden, often inaccurate ways, sometimes in fun and sometimes by force.``
``When children are the prime teachers of sex,`` she said, ``they emphasize the mechanics of performance-how to do `it` and to keep it secret from parents. No one, therefore, tells the child about personal integrity; his or her right to privacy; right to refusal; the meaning of affection, touch, caring and commitment in a sexual relationship; of the basic biology.``
``Children deserve to be taught the appropriate place of sexuality in their own character development, personal relationships, family ties, religious beliefs and particularily in their peer group,`` Renshaw said.
``An overwhelming number of adult sexual dysfunctions are rooted in sexual ignorance, early sexual misinformation or severe inhibitions,`` she added. ``Mom or Dad should sit down with a child and say, `My child, sex is good. Let me tell you about it.` ``
Regrettably, this does not happen in a most cases. Renshaw, Carroll and other therapists see this as particularily unfortunate now as the AIDS scare casts a shadow over sexual relations.
Although the parents` role is critical, schools also have an important role in sex education. Said Renshaw, ``Without an AIDS vaccine, education is the best protection we have.``
The problem for many parents in talking about sex with their children is that parents themselves are not well informed, Carroll said. ``Obviously the parents must understand what they are talking about if the child is to get the right information.``
There are a number of good books on the market to help parents learn the facts and other books to guide them in talking with their children. One is
``How to Talk With Your Child About Sexuality,`` (Doubleday, $7.95). Produced by Planned Parenthood, the book says the emotional baggage that most parents carry from their own childhood makes it difficult for them to realize that children, even as infants, are sexual beings and need simple, truthful answers to questions.
``If we can learn to deal more openly, honestly, comfortably with our youngsters,`` the authors write, ``the chances are that they will not only grow up happier but may turn out to be better sexuality teachers of their children.``