I’m worried about the kind of geography lessons apparently being taught in American schools. One of the strongest lessons any student can receive is the lesson taught by example. And school districts are teaching students that, “out of an abundance of caution,” they must allow hysteria to reign over common sense and simple geography. The lesson for students is: freak out first, look at a map later.
Our first lesson, students, comes from Houston, Texas, a city located on the map 220 miles south of Dallas. A teacher in the Houston area recently traveled to Tanzania and returned as the Ebola scare was reaching its height in Dallas. “Out of an abundance of caution,” the teacher’s school ordered her to stay at home for the next 21 days, the incubation period for Ebola. If we look on a map, students, we can see that Tanzania is more than 3,000 miles from Liberia, the centerpoint of the West African Ebola epidemic. Number of Ebola cases in Tanzania to date: Zero.
Our next lesson, students, comes from Hazelhurst Elementary School in Mississippi, where the principal recently returned from a trip to Zambia, which is south of Tanzania and, again, more than 3,000 miles from the Ebola epicenter in Liberia. Parents were so freaked out by the fact that the principal had been to a country more than 3,000 miles away from where the Ebola epidemic is happening, they began pulling their children from classes en masse. The number of Ebola cases in Zambia to date: Zero.
Our third lesson, students, comes from Maine, a tiny, backward state located 1,700 miles from Dallas. Apparently, they don’t teach either geography or common sense in Maine. An elementary school teacher from Maine attended an education conference in Dallas. Her hotel was 9.5 miles from the area around Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital where the recent Ebola scare erupted. “Out of an abundance of caution,” the teacher was ordered to stay home for three weeks.
Okay, students, what have we learned today? Yes, that’s correct Suzie, the most important thing is to react “out of an abundance of caution” and put any rational thoughts out of our head during this Ebola crisis.
And yes, Johnny, that’s correct, too. We must impose the broadest possible radius — again, “out of an abundance of caution” — on the part of the world where Ebola is currently found. Given the fact that both Zambia and Tanzania are 3,000 miles from Liberia, the radius should be 3,000 miles in every direction from Liberia.
And yes, Jennifer, when we are looking at domestic exclusion zones, a 9.5-mile radius around Dallas is what is required. Anyone who has traveled within 9.5 miles of Dallas should be banned from our schools. I’m not even sure we should allow those people to Skype with our children, out of an abundance of caution. That would include Irving, Richardson, Addison, Farmers Branch, Garland, Mesquite and Grand Prairie.
Duncan, you are correct, too! The current 3,000-mile radius for that Awful Foreign Place Out There includes more than two-thirds of Africa, nearly half of Europe, nearly half of Brazil, all of French Guiana, and half of Suriname. That would be more than 50 countries in total and a population of more than 700 million people.
Okay, students, that concludes our geography and health lesson for today. Now let’s turn to math. Out of an abundance of caution, who can tell me what 2 + 2 equals? Very good Steven! The correct number is 3,573.
Now for our art lesson. Can anyone tell me the correct title of this painting?