Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Happy rainy Tuesday!
I was hoping you could settle a dispute my boyfriend and I were having. We were debating what makes a person promiscuous. He thinks there's a number of sex partners attached, whereas I think you can't peg someone as promiscuous simply by the number of sexual partners they've had. Without giving up too much of our argument, we wanted to get your take on what makes a person promiscuous. I'm prepared to win this bet! Thanks!
Dear "I'm Right,"
Well, I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer to this. To me, promiscuity isn't about how many sexual partners you have, but the psychology behind why someone might sleep with multiple people. I think promiscuity is also defined differently between the sexes, since it's very rare that men are considered promiscuous. A man might be a "player" or a "pimp" while a woman may be considered a "ho" or a "slut" - so the social stigma attached can be viewed in very different ways depending on who's doing the looking.
One could argue that a man or woman would be considered promiscuous after sleeping with their 10th partner, their 20th, their 75th, or their 100th partner. But all of this is relative. If you're 45 years old and have slept with 10 people, are you less promiscuous than someone who is 21 years old and has slept with 50? You could probably argue that that is true, but trying to attach a number to label someone promiscuous is a bit tricky when you're in the "not so high, not so low" numbers.
In my opinion, the number of sexual partners a person has had only tells half of the story. Promiscuity has been linked to some deep psychological experience or collection of experiences in one's life - or a period of their life - where sex without consequence works for them on some level. It could fill a lonely void, or some may deal with pain or anger by having sex with a lot of people with no attachments. There are several things that could lead to what is perceived to be promiscuous behavior:
- Being raised in a household where sex wasn't discussed or not included in education.
- Too much exposure, or too little exposure, to sex during one's early years in some way.
- Traumatic experiences early on with the opposite sex (or in some cases, the same sex).
- Intense loneliness in life and/or a desire to be accepted or loved.
- Being too trusting-or falling for guys too easily (women).
- Trying to compensate or not deal with other problems in life - financial, loss of job, a break-up, loss of a friend, etc.
Depending on what's going on in someone's life - promiscuity could be a short-term, temporary fix - or it could be a way of life. Again, promiscuity is something that is typically linked to women, simply because a man is believed to always want sex with as many women as he can have it with...so it would be considered "normal" behavior to sleep around. Men tend to have "promiscuous moments" or periods of promiscuity in their lives where it seems they can throw consequences out the window and get away with it without being labeled. It's not until they're having sex because they're feeling depressed or because they're hurt that it could be considered promiscuous - and usually meaningless sex would depress them more...like a drug.
But a woman who is considered promiscuous has a Scarlet Letter A emblazoned on her chest. She has a reputation, and she can rarely redeem herself from it or use the excuse that she was simply going through something in order to resurrect her good name. Even if a woman has never had a history of promiscuity, she's not allowed to indulge for fear of carrying that label with her. It's a double standard, but in some cases, it just is the way it is.
I'm not sure if this helped with your argument or not, but unless you both agree on what the definition of promiscuity is, there's definitely a grey area and many scenarios to put into play before you can label someone as promiscuous or not. It's a complex thing, and unless you understand the roots of promiscuity and know the person well, it's hard to make that assumption about anybody. There's a fine line between enjoying casual sex, and being promiscuous. One has a pejorative connotation, while the other just seems to imply freedom void of negative experiences.
Hopefully, the blog family can weigh in to give you their take on what makes a person promiscuous and if it's a lot deeper than just a number. I don't know if there is a "winner" to this debate, since the topic at hand is a complicated one. But let me know who...uh..."won"! LOL!