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After Newtown tragedy, how you can stand up for change
Posted By DP Opinion On December 20, 2012 @ 6:35 pm In Guest Commentary,Uncategorized | 1 Comment
By Kristen Race
In the wake of another senseless tragedy I have struggled to wrap my brain around why as a country we seem to experience one horrific massacre after the next. Sandy Hook Elementary joins a long list of mass shootings: the Sikh temple in Wisconsin, the Colorado movie theater, Virginia Tech, Columbine, and on and on. 
America remains a very violent society compared with other developed nations. In many of these mass shootings, the gunman’s mental health is a major factor.
There are sensible measures that can be addressed, such as restricting military weapons that have no real use in the civilian world, and perfecting lock down plans in schools and public buildings. But the thing I keep coming back to is why, as a country, we seem to keep witnessing educated children growing up to be mass murderers?
While there is clearly a thread of mental illness that afflicts each of these murderers, I worry about the disregard of the basic skills of empathy in our country. Empathy is defined as the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. It is the ability to recognize when someone you know is struggling, or for a young child to want to comfort a classmate when they scrape their knee on the playground.
We develop empathy through face-to-face interactions. Infants learn that when they smile, mom smiles and this skill continues to develop as children experience face to face relationships throughout their childhood. While it more difficult for some children to develop the skills of empathy than others, in general it is possible to teach these skills.
From cruel texts, to mean girls, to bullies and mass murderers there is a clear lack of empathy that has allowed each of these individuals to carry out their hideous acts.
We spend a lot of resources on programs to deal with bullies after the fact — telling bystanders what to do when they witness an act of bullying and teaching victims strategies to deal with their persecutor. But what we don’t seem to be doing is preventing these bullies from becoming bullies in the first place.
The reality is that no amount of lock down practice or school security is going to protect our children from a psychopath intent on doing harm, and telling bystanders to stand up for a bully victim is no real consolation for the child that has just been mortified in front of classmates.
We need to put down our laptops, phones and tablets and look our children in the eyes when we speak to them. We need to teach compassion, empathy and respect for others with as much vigor as we teach other academic skills. As parents, we need to ask for help when we have concerns about our children instead of being concerned about the image of a perfect family.
Perhaps if parents who are mortified by unspeakable events that occurred in Connecticut last week can use their grief to speak out for, and commit to change, then we can do something positive in the wake of this tragedy.
We may not be able to prevent all of the future school shootings or mass murders, but if we can influence one troubled young adult, or help an angry teen to think about the feelings of his victims, or prevent one family from experiencing the loss of a six-year-old child then wouldn’t our efforts be worth it?
Perhaps this tragedy inspires time to reflect on what kind of homes we create, and the communities we contribute to. Perhaps it reminds us to make sure we truly engage with our kids, participate in our communities, notice each other and make each other feel welcome. We may not prevent every horrible tragedy, but we can do our part to make every person we encounter feel that they matter to us, and we can make every moment we have here, with our loved ones meaningful.
How you can stand up for change:
1) Start with your own family. Dedicate time to strengthen bonds with your own kids. Commit to having family dinners, budget to take kids individually on a weekend getaway, establish strong communication patterns while your kids are young, and don’t be afraid to seek outside counsel when you feel like your efforts are not enough.
2) Offer to help relatives that have kids who are concerning you. Let them know that you have noticed a change in their child, or that you are concerned and would like to help. Sometimes kids can be more open with an aunt or uncle than they can be with their own parents.
3) Advocate for program that teach empathy and compassion in schools.
Kristen Race, Ph.D., is founder of Mindful Life.
Article printed from The Idea Log: http://blogs.denverpost.com/opinion
URL to article: http://blogs.denverpost.com/opinion/2012/12/20/newtown-tragedy-stand-change/30962/
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