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Kitten huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank. Despite a long-established tradition of kitten huffing in western nations, the practice remains subject to a widely-recognized taboo. It is believed that ingesting kittens can result in undesirable side effects and kitten-related human fatalities, and even unapologeticly frequent huffers caution against using more than two or three kittens per day.
The huffing technique dominant amongst casual users is the 'cupped hands approach', developed by the Marquess of Queensbury as a remedy for the pain of head injuries sustained while boxing.
The Marquess of Queensbury Approach
- Catch a live kitten.
- Take a tube, insert it into the nostril, and put the cat's tail into the tube.
- Inhale strongly until you have sucked the soul from the kitten.
- Ride the snake. You feelin' that shit yet? Awwwww yeah.
- Discard the kitten at your closest Kitten Recycling Center for recharging.
- If the desired effect is not achieved make sure you are in fact huffing a kitten and not a turtle. Be certain you're huffing the correct end of the kitten.
The euphoria produced by kitten huffing has been subject to much speculation over time. Longinus believed that the high of kitten huffing was the direct result of absorbing the kitten's soul, and that, consequently, the huffing of a larger animal would have a commensurately larger effect. This, of course, is an absurd proposition. Others claim that the kitten's post-mortem gases produce the euphoric effects. Ultimately, the key to kitten huffing's effect lies deep within the brain stem and is still not clearly understood by scientists.
Kitten huffing is known to cause eternal damnation in Roman Catholics as it was banned by Papal edict in Pius V's landmark Novarum Kittenum of 1649. Tolerance has been reported in habitual abusers. Goats are popularly believed to be an acceptable or even superior substitute for kittens, but, as they are born without souls being creatures of Satan, this is nothing more than an urban legend.
The first documented case of kitten huffing is from Artemus of Capadocia in 432BC, who described "ae wydenyng of ye soule wyth yon huffe" upon sucking out the soul of a young wild lynx kitten from the plains of central Asia Minor. Since then, the consequences of kitten huffing have been a recurring theme in numerous historical events, notably the downfall of the Roman empire, the Watergate scandal, and Todd Rundgren's 1973 music recording "A Wizard, A True Star".
Historically, most kittens were produced on the plains of central Asia, their natural habitat. Selective breeding for increased potency led to the first ginger ones emerging around 800AD. The illegal trade in kittens led to the kitten huffing wars of the 19th century.
Where To Find Kittens
- Carlos, behind the 7-Eleven
- eBay (be certain it is an unused kitten)
- Huff Dens (please do be careful. Inferior quality kittens that may have been mixed with other animals, such as turtles, can have terrible side effects including nausea, listening to hardcore dance music, and hurling spaghetti through the nose. Only purchase kittens from a reputable dealer)
- The Pentagon
Where Not To Find Kittens
As with all recreational animal use, there are tell-tale signs that a person has inhaled too much kitten: furballs. A furball, when dealt with by a cat, is a disgusting sight and sound, but when humans start doing it, justifiable homicide is the only cure. Don't bother patting them on the back as they hack up a pound of ginger hair, shoot them squarely in the face. It's for their own good.
However, furballs can now be avoided by use of the hairless breeds of kitten, such as the Hairless Persian or the Nude Burmese. These, however, do come with a higher price tag, but can sometimes be gotten on the British National Health Service if you can prove you are a kitten huffing addict who's allergic to cats.
The Fight Against Kitten Huffing
There was tacit tolerance, if not acceptance, of kitten huffing up until the late 19th century, when the emerging temperance movement first spoke out against the habit. The practice was outlawed in the sweeping Mewling Reforms of 1912, though the market for kitten huffers continued to thrive underground.
In the 1950s, a series of public service announcements were recorded by the BBC and aired during the popular Uncle Bertrand's Fortnightly Childrens' Hour, including this surviving fragment: Uncle Bertie's message to the children. PSAs such as Bertrand's continued into the mid 70's, eventually falling out of favor for being totally square.
Today, Kitten Huffing Legalization movements are active in Canada, the United States, and the United Kingdom. The battle over public policy has led to a tentatively titled "War on Feline" spearheaded by the Vatican and the Institute for a New American Veterinary, with the rumored involvement of certain Columbian pet cartels interested in pumping up demand. Meanwhile, a growing number of European countries are piloting government-run programs providing access to clean domestic shorthair at reduced prices.
For those interested in sampling more exotic breeds, there are several large underground agencies who work tirelessley to breed new varieties of kitten, designed for an extended high. Recently, a litter of kittens was produced from a Hairless Rex and a Russian Blue which are reported to have sold for over $40,000 each. They had a peculiar but not unpleasant odor, and the high from huffing such a kitten is reputed to last up to three days, on account of the sheer quality that such a rare breed provides.
Sadly for many devoted Huffers, the DEA and FBI have had some success in tracing the source of these kitten warehouses, and are in the process of systematically shutting them down and converting them to government use. It is widely believed that the energy produced in the state of Ohio is less than 3% kitten-free, due to the number of experimental stations now extracting energy from the Huffing of kittens.
Famed Kitten Huffers
Although the mass popularity of kitten huffing guarantees that you know at least X people that huff, some of history's greats were rumored to have superior huffing abilities and artistry. People like:
- This guy
- Oscar Wilde
- Mark Twain
- The possible lovechild of Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde
- Patrick Duffy
- Brian Peppers
- John F. Kennedy
- Charles Nelson Reilly
- Trent Reznor
- Detective Chief Inspector John George Littlechild
- Ray Charles
- Aldophus B. Huxley
- Robert Downey Jr
- Todd Rundgren
- Bill Clinton
- Steve Martin