Friday, June 15, 2007
Guess the Plot
1. It was just a large, rusty leg trap originally used for bears, and outlawed by environmentalists and animal rights activists years ago. But to Eleasa, it was the only way to land Mr. Right.
2. Her captain often wondered why Eleasa would volunteer for the graveyard shift: solo patrols on remote country roads. Although he's happy her radar gun catches speeders like a spider catches flies, he gets concerned when her abandoned vehicle reports match up with the missing persons reports. When vampire hunter Dusty McClain drifts into town, the pieces start falling into place.
3. When 14-year-old Bl'ino discovers the mystical Stone of Aardon, he thinks it's his ticket out of the most boring town on Stegrus. No more curfew, no more gym class, no more stupid math homework. Only after he activates the portal, only to find his homeroom nemesis waiting for him on the other side, does he realize he's fallen into . . . Eleasa's Trap.
4. Can a pregnant fishwife find happiness with the earl who knocked her up one drunken evening? Cara decides to toss the Goddess of Fate, Eleasa, for her unborn child's future, and wins the chance to make her dreams come true. Or does she? There's always a catch when you gamble against Eleasa.
5. Marvin Spalunky, henpecked husband of Eleasa The Gossip Queen, finds a map which points to pirate treasure buried somewhere in their subdivision. But soon his neighbors are digging holes in their yards. Eyeing his grandfather’s WWI rifle hanging over the fireplace, Marvin realizes if he wants the treasure, he’ll have to permanently shut . . . Eleasa’s Trap.
6. When a mysterious probe from outer space lands, Eleasa gets moles and prairie dogs to dig a deep hole underneath it. When the trap door opens, the probe falls in, and Eleasa kills the occupant. Oops. Turns out the occupant was one of her distant relations. And now Eleasa's in big trouble.
Eleasa's Trap is an 86,000 word science fiction novel.
Eleasa's life is finally settled. She has a loving husband and has proven her skills by creating unparalleled intelligent life forms. On her planet, Adeen, specialized animals, plants and microbes rather than machines are created to meet human needs. [Ah, like on The Flintstones.]There are people that think she's gone too far, threatening human control. [One minute you say her life is finally settled. The next minute you imply that mobs of torch-bearing villagers are out to lynch her.]
An alien spacecraft is spotted in orbit around Adeen [through the giraffe-o-scope]. When her old mentor, Icron, declines the job of leading the defense, the job is offered to Eleasa. She accepts in spite of the danger and quickly organizes people around the planet. [Shouldn't she be organizing the plants and animals and microbes? Especially the microbes? Hasn't she read War of the Worlds?] She's successful at killing the occupant of a probe sent down from the orbiting craft but discovers that the occupant was a distantly related human. Long ago Eleasa's ancestors also came from another planet but they lost the technology for space flight. [Actually, they didn't lose it; all the giant winged space camels died out.]
[Commander, I'm afraid we can no longer explore space.
We lost the technology.
Damn. Did you check behind the couch cushions?]
Eleasa orders that if another probe lands, they must make contact with the visitors and that no more are to be killed. Her enemies still see the visitors as a threat. Her husband Acalon is killed when he uncovers a plot to kill Eleasa and any future visitors. [I'm beginning to see why Icron declined this job.]
Peter comes down from the spacecraft hoping to rescue his best friend who was in the first probe. Now Eleasa must get both herself and Peter to safety before they are the next victims. [Your best friend? Oh, that guy. I murdered him. Now come with me; I'll get you to safety.] First she has to figure out how to communicate with him, [She has to figure it out? He's the one with the space ship. Doesn't he have a universal translator?] and then get him to help even though she's the one who killed his best friend. Together they fight off attempts on their lives and uncover Acalon's killer. They prove to the ruling council that Peter and his shipmates should be allowed to stay on Adeen.
The book is complete by itself but is intended to be the first book of a series. Thank you for reading my query. I look forward to your response.
[The title comes from the way Eleasa kills the first person. She has small animals create a trap under the probe. [Hamsters driving little tiny backhoes.] The door opens suddenly dropping the probe a long distance and breaking it open. The door shuts before the people in orbit get any clue as to what happened. A combination of methods are used to kill every living thing in the probe, before Eleasa investigates what is inside.]
First of all, it feels listy. It's not a list of characters or themes, it's a list of stuff that happens. It's a bare-bones synopsis without much elaboration. Which, by its very nature, feels boring and simplistic. If you're writing for an adult science fiction audience, they're going to expect more sophisticated writing, and the agent is going to be worried that the book sounds like the query. The query is your first shot at showing your writing ability.
The query will sound less listy if each sentence follows logically from the previous one. To you they may do so, but you know the story. We need smoother transitions between ideas. Choose the main ideas you want to stress and develop them. You don't have to tell us the whole plot.
I assume you'd have said so if this were for middle graders. Would kids enjoy it?