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What can I do about biting?
My daughter (age two) is constantly biting other people. No matter what I try, I can’t get her to stop. Today, I bit her - and even that didn’t help. What should I do?
Dr Justin says:
A lot of toddlers bite, and it can be a source of frustration for parents (and pain for whoever gets bitten). But there are several ways to work through the ‘biting phase’ with your toddler.
First, remember that biting is a fairly normal behaviour for toddlers. They are exploring their world. They are learning new things, like cause and effect (when I do this, that happens). And they have limited ways of expressing themselves, so when things aren’t working for them, this may be their only way of letting us know.
It is really important to understand why your toddler is biting. Is it experimentation and exploration? Is it frustration, or anger? When we see the world through our toddler’s eyes, we are able to teach them good behaviour.
When biting occurs, we need to make sure that the person bitten is OK. Then our biter needs time with the parent. It’s usually best to start off by describing what we already know. For example, “You bit your sister because you were upset”, or “You wanted to see what your sister tasted like.”
These responses are not to be funny. Instead, we show our toddler that we understand what she is feeling. Toddlers are not particularly verbal – they still have a limited vocabulary. But we can usually elicit some information from them. And they certainly understand us.
Asking questions of your toddler can be useful. “How does your sister feel when you bite her?” “Does biting feel good, or bad?” Teaching children with questions is far more effective than telling them the answers. (Note that just because children know the right answer is no guarantee that they will live by it. Adults are often the same in this regard).
Toddlers may struggle to recognise how others feel. This is normal. Most kids don’t start to really get a good picture of how others feel until around age four or five, but we can start to teach them early. Some research suggests that doing so helps them to learn this important skill at an earlier age.
Once your child has shown you that she knows what the ‘rules’ are, your teaching is done. But the hard work is about to begin...
At this point, you’ll typically want to explain to your toddler that she can rejoin the family when she can be gentle (and keep her teeth in her mouth). As you leave the room your toddler is almost certain to want your attention, or may cry and want more of you. She feels concerned that she may no longer be lovable. She recognises that she did something wrong. While many psychologists would argue that giving your child attention ‘rewards’ bad behaviour, my view is strikingly different.
If your child cries, hold her. Let her feel loved. Tell her you know she feels sad because she hurt her sibling. Affirm that you know she’ll do the right thing. When our children are least ‘deserving’ of our love, then is the time that they need it most.
You will find that biting, or any other unwanted behaviour, is most likely to disappear quickly when we offer love, kindness, and compassion. We will calm our children, meet their needs, and help them feel worthy of love. This is the best antidote to attention-seeking, aggression or bad behaviour.
Two quick warnings about biting:
1. Do not bite your child to ‘teach them’ that biting is bad and that it hurts. All this will do is reinforce that biting is a good way to get what you want, and that it is an appropriate way of dealing with conflict.
2. Biting is likely to occur again at least a few times. If it does, repeat the above. I’ve had parents in my parenting classes argue that if the child does it again, the kind approach stops and the punishments begin. You can be certain that both methods will take several ‘applications’ to be effective in stopping unwanted biting or other behaviour. But only one method will preserve a loving, trusting relationship between parent and child – and that love and trust is what sets our children up for success throughout their lives.
Find more about biting:
- Children who bite
- When toddlers bite
- My kid is a biter!
- Breastfeeding and biting
- How to help an aggressive tot
Other parenting advice from Justin Coulson:
This article was written for Kidspot by Justin Coulson, Ph. D. Justin is a relationships and parenting expert, author and father of five children. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, and at happyfamilies.com.au.
You can find more information that will help you with this situation in Dr Justin's book What Your Child Needs From You: Creating a Connected Family, at my website: www.happyfamilies.com.au.
You can get parenting advice from Justin Coulson by emailing your questions to email@example.com .
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