HARFOLD, Vt. - Scientists at Harfold State College have come to some very different conclusions than their colleagues at the University of Oregon as to what a piece of 13,000 year-old poop means to the history of North America.
"Our Oregonian colleagues point to the fact that this coprolite, or in layman's terms, this piece of old shit, shows evidence that natives existed in North America when the people arrived who we'd thought were first," says Erica Banter, archeology instructor.
"However, this finding is only secondary to the one we've attained. This first Native American may have been the originator of the baked bean supper because this shit is chock full of beans."
Banter, who refers to these people as the Paisleys named after the cave in which their shit was found, believes that these natives showed no regard for those around them, ingesting huge amounts of gaseous beans and then defecating in and around where they lived.
"'Nasty' is a word that comes to mind," says Banter. "When the people we'd assumed were the first natives to arrive took one look at them, they probably were like, 'Get away, you stinky-ass mothers.'"