Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Defend your Home
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UnNinja 23:46, 5 July 2009 (UTC)
Zheliel-has "marked" this article for review.
|Humour:||7.434||Intro - Well phrased, but maybe you can throw in some action inside. Maybe in the second paragraph you can include "But, we have the solution, right here!" or something. Bring in the action. Make the reader feel the adrenaline! Make |
Step one - Other than the ugly red links, it's quite good. But what's heat vision? Maybe youc an link it to somethign or put brackets like "heat vision (Mud in disguise)" or something (yeah). The first to paragraphs are fairly good, but then you fall into a trap after that. You're new here, right? So let me tell you. NEVER HAVE A SENTENCE WITH ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. It ruins everything, makes it less factual. Also, never use memes like Oscar Wilde, Kitten huffing, whatever. Maybe you can phrase the third paragraph into a sweeter statement like "Of course, the zomies will be able to break through and kill you. But it's alright." or something. My sentences aren't very good.
Step two' - Be more decisive. Stop putting the slashes. For the header, put somethign like "Lock yourself, and maybe your family into the basement. And you should put "Terrorists or zombies or robots or Jews" instead of "Terrorists/zombies/robots/Jews". Slashes are ugly. And sinec you said basment above, you should use basement. Not cellar. The last pararaph is good, but the penultimate paragraph of the section is a bit weird. Either phrase it to make it sound better, or delete it. Believe me, it's of no use.
Step Three - THe first paragraph is good. "Cower... in fear?" should be "Cower in fear?" After all, you're the narrator. You're not afraid... right? Spare the "..."s. Maybe it should be "Cower in fear? You... you imbecile! Words cannot describe this idiocy... oh, christ..." Sounds much better. Right? The last passage is great, but you should increase the fear. Heighten it. Maybe you can say "keep screaming to liven the family". Or something.
Step Four - I didn't like the grandma either. But you still should make it sound more drastic, like "scream at the top of your breath while banging the lifeless corpse with your chainsaw".
|Concept:||8.4980||Great. Nice article. But you shouldn't keep repeating "Jew/zombie/robot/terrorist". Maybe at each situation, choose one of those to use.|
|Prose and formatting:||5.4||Generally - Too many red links. Ugly. You know, you can do |
HowTo template - SItuated in a very nice place, tucked at the top right corner. I've seen templates strewn all over the place, but yours is great. Nice position. Fairly good.
Slashes - Remove thee slashes. I talked about it in humor, use "or" or "and" or "maybe". I don't know how maybe can be used, but maybe.
Step 3 - "...and eat you brains..." should be "...and eat your brains...". And "...be dead.Firstly, wrap..." should be "...be dead. Firstly, wrap...". The spacebar. "...Keep shotgun..." should be "...Keep your shotgun...". After that, the three dots (...) should be a... b instead of a...b - separate them.
|Images:||6.444545||One pic - Good. But what does Jane Fonda or whoever want to do? Eat you?|
|Miscellaneous:||6.9||Averaged. I love decimals.|
|Final Score:||34.676545||Nice article. Keep working on it!|
|Reviewer:||~02:36/6 of July|