By Jayaram V
Self-esteem is the way you feel about yourself and the
way you treat yourself. It is how you define yourself and hold yourself
in your esteem. It is not only how you see yourself but also how
you think others see you.
Your well being, inner happiness, attitude, thinking, actions,
expectations, relationships, failures, accomplishments, social skills,
courage and confidence depend on your self-esteem. It influences
the way you respond to your life's challenges, other people's opinions
and your own inner critic, who keeps nagging you constantly.
You may get away from unpleasant friends and relationships, stay
away from threatening or disturbing situations, but cannot escape
from yourself and your inseparable inner critic. People with low
self-esteem usually tend to show some of the following behavioral
Your Inner Critic
In their book, Self-Esteem, authors Matthew McKay and Patrick
Fanning suggested that low self-esteem is caused by self-criticism
arising from "the negative inner voice that attacks and judges
you," constantly. Psychologist Eugene Sagan called it the Pathological
Critic. According to the authors, "Everyone has a critical inner
voice. But people with low self-esteem tend to have more vicious
and pathological critic," who blames when things go wrong and
"beats you up for the smallest mistakes." The inner critic keeps
a record of all your failures and lapses, while he ignores your
achievements and strengths, and sets standards of perfection
and excellence for you to guide your actions and your life.
Whenever you fall short of those expectations, your critic keeps
reminding you of what a fraud and failure you are all your life
and why you do not deserve any sympathy or appreciation. The
inner critic is formed during your childhood when you were vulnerable
to parental and peer influences. By becoming an integral part
of your consciousness, he keeps influencing your thinking and
actions, setting "incredibly high standards." Whenever you listen
to your inner critic, you reinforce him and allow him to influence
your thinking and actions. The only way you can deal with him
by is by "unmasking his purpose" and disarming him, disputing
his judgment and talking back. Jayaram V
They develop low expectation about themselves.
They believe they do not deserve better life.
They are quick to blame themselves.
They avoid taking risks.
They suffer from fear of failure and fear of rejection.
They seek the approval of others.
They give more weight to the opinion of others.
They lack true leadership qualities.
They become overly defensive in leadership positions.
They suffer from bouts of self-doubt, anxiety and stress.
They enter into unhappy and unequal relationships.
They react emotionally rather than rationally in difficult and
They hesitate to express themselves honestly in the company
They rarely live in the present.
They have a problem saying 'no' to others.
They have a problem accepting 'no' from others.
They suffer frequent bouts of self-doubt.
They adjust to low pay and unhappy work situations.
They are their own worst enemies, because they sabotage their
success and rarely stay at the top.
They minimize their successes and focus on their failures.
Self-esteem is a product of experience. Very early in your life,
you form an opinion about yourself, which stays with you for the
rest of your life. Unless you bring a change in your thinking and
attitude, it remains in your consciousness and influences the course
of your life. If a child's self-confidence is constantly eroded
through mindless criticism, ill treatment and unjustified comparison
with others, sooner or later the child would suffer from low self-esteem.
If parents discriminate among their children, it would cause heavy
loss of self-esteem among the least favored.
A person's self-esteem may fluctuate from time to time, depending
upon circumstances. People who migrate to other countries either
as refugees or in search of livelihood, people who live as minorities
in their own countries suffering from social disabilities and discrimination,
people who are deprived of their jobs or income or status by circumstances,
may suffer from temporary loss of self-esteem. So is the case with
people who go through a bad marriage or an unhappy divorce. Unless
a person is equipped with optimism and resilience, repeated failures
and setbacks will erode his or her self-esteem greatly.
Basic honesty and unconditional self acceptance are the keys
to a healthy self image. But for someone who has been tormented
for years by self-doubt and nagging poor self-image, these blessings
would not come easily. It has to begin with a brutally honest self-evaluation,
followed by a program of action that needs to be implemented with
total commitment. The following are some of the ways to deal with
your problem of low self-esteem.
Source: Reproduced partially from
the article, "The Art And Science Of Relaxation" from the book Think
Success by Jayaram V. You may purchase this book from
our online store or from
Suggested Further Reading