Hello all you out there in FanFictionLand! I should be writing up a topic proposal, so naturally I was checking my inbox, where I noticed a lovely message from one Artemis J. Halk. A review of my "Home Insurance." And well, it moved me. To where? The bathroom. Why? I haven't been eating my Activ—well, let's be nice and call it Activio. Now you have no idea what I'm talking about, right?
Anyway, that led to this. Written in my dorm, NOT the bathroom (And it really was a lovely comment and didn't cause a bathroom run).
"Wow! I just ate a whole bunch of food that's bad for me! Now I'm having 'irregularity!'" Krista said to her friend in the middle of a crowded restaurant.
"Aww. That's sad," her friend sympathized, "Wait, what does 'irregularity' even mean? Are you all stopped up, or coming out too much?"
"Uhh… I don't know. I think I'm all stopped up? This commercial would make more sense if it was explained, but then it would be gross," Krista waxed poetic while rubbing her stomach awkwardly.
"Well, you should try Activio! It will help you. It contains some ingredient that has the word "regular" hidden in it. There's no way that the company could have concocted a product and named it that unless it would help regulate you!" her friend decided.
"Awesome! How long until I have a proper bowel movement?"
"Only two weeks! That works for you, right?"
Before Krista had a chance to respond to that, the scene changed, placing Krista on a couch with White Haired Movie Star.
"Look at your stomach." WHMS commanded.
Krista looked down, and noticed a bunch of yellow dots, "And these are…?"
"These will help your body to understand where things need to go. Right now, your body is confused, and the poop doesn't know where to go. Activio will help move these dots until they point to your—"
"Yeah, okay. But what am I going to do until they've gotten aligned? I really don't want to wait two weeks."
"Well, you could always buy some ex-lax." WHMS suggested.
"But wait, if that's what's going to make it work, why am I eating Activio? Couldn't I just use ex-lax or drink prune juice? Why am I even bothering to—"
"ACTIVIO!" WHMS broke in, "It's the perfect solution to 'irregularity.' It tastes amazing, and no one will know! You'll just look like you're just eating yogurt!"
"But everyone's seen the commercials, ergo everyone will know…"
"ACTIVIO! ACTIVIO! ACTIVIO!" WHMS screams as the commercial fades to black.