It sounds like you are in the throes of an eating disorder You've got a lot of neurosis about food, and it seems to be effecting you a lot.
I know lots of people (myself included) who have overcome EDs, and there are a plethora of approaches. If you want any info just PM me, I'm happy to help!
"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.
In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."
- Ray Peat