……….By Seth Morris
Rumors are circulating that Tea Leoni and David Duchovny seperated not because of his admitted sex addiction but because she had an affair with Billy Bob Thorton. These rumors are as gross as they are probably untrue but so what. When Tea Leoni was imaginarily asked what sex with Billy Bob Thorton would be like, here’s what she didn’t say:
Like a paper bag filled with mashed potatoes.
Like a soul-patch slathered in Ben Gay.
Like a mason jar full of toe nails.
Like Cloris Leachman with a strap on.
Like a vacuum cleaner bag filled with vinegar and oxycontin.
Like Ron Jeremy’s skeleton.
Like a pinata with a sand paper dick.
Like Barney Fife on meth.
When asked the same question put in another way; WHAT’S SEX WITH BILLY BOB THORTON LIKE? Fake-Leoni responded:
Like wrestling a dirty brick.
It’s like if you could have sex with an episode of Cops? That’s what it’s like.
Like high-fiving Golum.
Like getting stabbed with a rusty butter knife.
Like shoving bread dough into a slot machine.
Like fucking a cigarette. But the cigarette was accidently left in your cut off ‘s when you went swimming at the quarry and then you let the cigarette dry out in the sun while listeing to 38. Special on casette.
Like trying to put out a garbage fire with your vagina.
Like slow dancing with a cold burrito.