Humans are the most creative specie on the face of the planet. Throughout human history however, nothing has been created outside of direct or indirect interpersonal relationships. And the most effective way we relate to one another is through language.
The skill that forms the connections of personal relationships is verbal communication. Clear and effective communication skills are the essential ingredients for the creation of growth-producing relationships.
Perfect communication has occurred when the information, ideas or meaning that is in the mind of the speaker is exactly reproduced in the mind of the listener. Given the fact that we all have our own unique ways of perceiving words, perfect communication is a rare occurrence. However, there are some basic communication skills that, when used, increase the probability that perfect communication will occur. Here are some of those basics.
Listen first. Listen without silently rehearsing your reply. Listen with the desire to fully understand what the speaker is wanting to communicate. Take your time. Listen with an attitude of open curiosity. Listen with genuine interest in discovery of what the speaker "really means." Listen for what is not being spoken as well as what is being verbalized.
Speak not in reaction to what has been said. Rather, speak from within yourself. Speak as an expression of your "true self." Form words and phrases that genuinely reflect what you are authentically thinking and feeling. Avoid using words as a defense of your ego or as a protection from what has been said.
Say what you want and don't repeat it in another way unless requested to do so. Repeating yourself dilutes the impact of your words. Elaboration and colorful language enriches communication. Repetition sterilizes it. Criticism kills it.
Be direct and truthful in what you say. Avoid saying what you think others might want to hear. Speak your truth even if it is not accurate. Avoid trying to "be right all the time," or trying to prove your point through increasing your talking or the pitch/tone of your voice. Simple sincerity speaks louder than high-pitched argument. Make sure what you say is not belied by how you say it. Ask for feedback about how you come across. Learn from it.
Practice saying things that express to the other that he or she has been heard. After all, communicating doesn't do much good if others don't believe that you have heard them. People who are speaking need some kind of feedback to let them know they are being heard. Without that, they become frustrated, increase their speed or pitch, or fall silent, and communication stops.
Relax. Stress is always communicated in your voice and language. It always clutters up the communication process. Reduce the stress in your body by slowly breathing deeply and from your abdomen.
Communicating clearly and effectively forms highly creative and mutually beneficial relationships. Develop your communicating ability and you enhance your contributions to any relationship, thereby increasing the likelihood of perfect communication and strong inter-personal connections.
Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life coach. He serves on the faculty of the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: "Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice...and Your Life!" (W.W. Norton 2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.
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