So, maybe you (and you and you and you) have a crush on a girl right now. Maybe you've taken a sudden new interest in watching lesbian porn or are making out with a girl in real life (!!). Externally, you're all, "Hey, this is cool, who even cares, 'sup girl, no big thang." Internally, though, you are probably all, "WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?? AM I GAY? CAN I BE GAY IF I THINK ABOUT DUDES STILL?! WHAT AM I?!?! I HAVE TO FIGURE THIS OUT BEFORE I DO ANYTHING ELSE."
We'd urge you, please, take a deep breath. You do not need to figure out exactly who you are or what that means as soon as fucking possible. Why, you ask? Well, for starters, trying to cram who you are into one word is so much more stressful than just being present and experiencing life for what it is (which, BTW, is ever-changing). You have a thing/feeling/attraction/etc. for a person. You think that person is cool and you like the way her mouth fits yours. That rules. Why define it when it just happened?!
Also, let's talk about words for a moment.
Words and labels are created, generally speaking, with good intentions. We create labels because we want to find and connect with people who identify the way we do, and who might share similar experiences or history as ourselves. The best way to find someone "like you," is to make up a name for what you are that outlines certain attributes, and then look for others who use a similar word to describe themselves.
We have things in common, we connect, we are not alone. It's a form of comfort.
So, what's the issue with feeling obligated to choose a label for yourself and your sexuality?
When it comes to sexuality, if the only options are "straight" or "gay," you are leaving out a fuck-ton of people who identify anywhere in between or outside those two categories. Sexuality is super complex, and there is no cramming all of us into two neat little boxes.
The labels we create also tend to become more and more narrow (to ourselves or to others) as time passes. So much so that it is entirely possible for two people to identify as one word, but be attempting to say two completely different things. One person who identifies as a "lesbian" does not necessarily agree with another person's understanding or use of the term. Perhaps Jane is a politically active, cisgendered woman who is married to another cisgendered woman, and whose claim of the word lesbian represents that partnership and also the political stance she lives her life by. Meanwhile, Tonia is dating a trans* woman and isn't interested in becoming politically active at all. Tonia also identifies as a lesbian. While there should certainly be room enough for many different expressions of one word, confusion, and sometimes very unfair judgments or mistreatments can, and do, occur amidst these differences.
Lastly, if you stake claim to an identity/label/word, you are often expected (by yourself or others), to stay with that identity/label/word for all time. Maybe months/years/decades down the road, you feel you might not 100 percent identify the way you once did — you came out as bisexual, then identified as a lesbian, but now very much feel that the term pansexual represents you best. Believe it or not, people around you may take that "shift" as invalidating the person you once were (which is not true and totally unfair).
So. While labels clearly exist for some very good and important reasons, you can also now see how they can be very, very flawed when put into use.
Now you are probably like: KRISTIN AND DANNIELLE, YOU AREN'T ANSWERING MY QUESTION. I GET WHAT YOU MEAN BUT LIKE, WHAT DO I DO? DO I DECLARE MYSELF A THING OR DO I NOT?!?! THE WORLD IS WAITING.
Good question. Also, calm down.
Here is what we think you should do:
1. You aren't obligated to stake claim to a label. You are who you are, you love who you love, you don't have to choose a word for it. If someone challenges your fluidity, tell them Kristin and Dannielle would like them to fuck off.
2. You are allowed to choose an identity marker if you feel one suits you now, and you are allowed to shift in that identity marker. If you feel that you identify as bisexual today, gay four months from now, pansexual in five years, that is OK. It is totally OK if that identity shifts over time. Once again, if you're challenged on that, *middle finger emoji*.
3. You should feel free to choose a label for a variety of reasons, one of which may be to simply unite with some other humans who may share a similar history or experience as yourself. You can use the word lesbian for a particular reason that resonates with you, and in the privacy of your own personal life explain the deeper nuances that make you, you.
What we're trying to get at here is this: You be you.
If you don't know how you identify and you don't want to use a word for the sake of using a word, don't. Your identity is your own and you should never have to explain that to anyone. If you want to own a label, amazing — just do it for you and not for the people who won't stop asking questions. Keep kissing a girl if it feels good, stop if it doesn't, and say you are whatever you'd like to say, even if that's just Beyoncé.
We decided your name was Beyoncé.
Kristin Russo lives in New York City and holds a master's degree in gender studies. She co-runs the website everyoneisgay.com with Dannielle Owens-Reid.
Do you have questions or topic requests for Kristin and Dannielle? Ask them HERE.