|Reviews for Victim of Love|
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 5/18/2012
Is there a reason why you’re varying between line breaks and paragraph breaks? It’s somewhat odd stylistically.
“Just ten minutes until she would arrive at the airport.” – It doesn’t read much like a sentence, particularly in context. Perhaps “there was just ten more minutes before she would arrive…” or something like that. This is just off the top of my head.
“, at swimming.” – perhaps, instead of writing the action, specify the place, aka. the public pool or something similar. Or a descriptor. You use swimming again the following line after all.
“Mary always loved swimming, it had been a hobby of hers.” – a semicolon there, not a comma.
“she was concerned, she felt alone.” – they read far more separately as the first clause of this does in comparison to the one before it. Perhaps a semicolon after “concerned” instead of a comma.
“She knew the neighbours their tastes.” – I’d say there’s some form of punctuation missing in there.
Free tickets for them so they don’t eavesdrop. Lol.
“In another corner, she saw a child, at the hand of her grandmother, kissing his mother goodbye.” – her and then his? Which gender is the child?
“It always is, why should today be any different?” – somewhat separate clauses again. Either a semicolon or add “so” before why.
“She didn't want this, she never asked for this.” – another semicolon.
You know, those jerky scenes worked quite well in the end. I had my doubts at the beginning, but it works. And I like the closure of each scene, how each relates to the story even when not being in chronological order. I like the last two scenes especially, how her preparations worked against her and left her alone. Nothing something I can sympathise with; I may be a woman, but not married nor to a man whose a soldier, but I fell for Mary, and it takes some skill to get someone ignorant of the situation to feel anything other than remoteness. So well done. :)
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning chapter 1 . 7/28/2011
It's easy to tell that this is one of your early fics, because of the pacing and the simple but really full-on impact WHAM lines at the end of each writing style has evolved a fair bit from then and expanded a lot(for one, you use longer sentences these days), but I like this story as well, and how you just mark out the boy meets girl moment and the whole course of Mary's relationship with Wade before everything happened (no spoilers for other readers XD) and the last lines have a pretty good impact on the reader, which was hopefully what was intended. That's because we sorta know Wade and we should know what Mary's like, so we're kind of more attached to them. :D