Modern Mythological Creatures
Contributors: Cramulus, Cuddlefist, The Good Rev. Roger, DiscoUkulele, Charlie Brown, Dr. James Semaj, Vexati0n, Richter, Eater of Clowns, Rev. What's-His-Name?, Vartox, Doktor Plague, Triple Zero, Rumckle, The Borderline Simpleton, Apikoros II, Cainad, Netatungrot, BabylonHoruv.
This work is protected by a Creative Commons 3.0 License.
To Do List
- paragraph style: remove indent on second paragraph of normal text
- editorial: The Bumper's Tick: specify that this is an internet forum
- editorial: akkolyte - reference obscure - add joke or remove
Annanavi When your GPS talks to you, you are hearing an Annanavi. Typically, the Annanavi is a helpful monster. But if you shout at your GPS too much, or dont follow its instructions, the Annanavi gets annoyed. It will reprogram your GPS to lead you into places you don't want to go. Annanavi are also curious creatures, interested in checking out places you otherwise might not ever visit. They think they are doing you a favor!
Akkolyte An elf-like creature that communicates via an annoying and painful warble. They are striped and shimmer and known for their perplexing behavioral patterns. Some say they are just plain outlandish.
Beer Elemental A Beer Elemental appears as a seemingly normal glass of beer. If a Beer Elemental is consumed, it will temporarily posses the drinker, causing raucous behavior and black-out-drunkenness. Any events experienced when possessed by a Beer Elemental will most likely be forgotten the next day. If you have experienced black-out-drunkenness on an evening when you've only had one or two beers, then, more likely than not, a Beer Elemental is to blame. Beer Elementals are normally passive creatures, and only cause trouble when consumed. Beer Elementals are also often the cause of "Beer-Balls." Beer Elementals in their natural state can do very little on their own, so when a particularly fidgety Beer Elemental wants to exert itself, "beer balls" is usually the result.
The Bi-Cycler The child of prankster spirits and club goers. It will appear at parties, bars, or other events, and display a freely swinging sexual orientation to get attention. It pursues this like a sport.
Bogard (also known as a Bonglin) Bogards are small, wretched goblins who live inside of foul bong water. Their diet consists of little weed scraplings. They will take a little bit of yours every day until you get rid of them. Usually, cleaning up and changing your water will do the trick. Bogards are also drawn to poor smoking etiquette.
BoogerErt This wee beastie hides in your nose, mimicking a dry piece of mucus, but no matter how much or how hard you blow, the tissue will remain clear. It is known to react by withdrawing further into the nasal cavity with the insertion of any probing instrument, especially a rolled up tissue or a pinky fingertip. Then, once the instrument is withdrawn it comes back to haunt you with it's ghostly tingle. It's relative is the Desert BoogErt.
BoogErt (Desert) This finicky little mischievous imp is always visible unlike his hidden cousin. It likes to show itself on your tie, on your shirt, or right under your nose when you didn't even have any nasal congestion at all. It feeds and always grows larger on the energy emanations given off by first dates, job interviews and the in-laws.
The Bumper's Tick A tiny spider-like demon that can hide dormant for ages in old buried threads. When such a thread is disturbed, it wakes and attaches itself to a new host. If successful, it can infect them with Lame Disease.
It is commonly believed that the Bumper's Tick cannot successfully detach itself from a "sticky" thread. However, Legend has it, that long ago, during the Forum Dark Ages, before the HIMEOBS Orbital Cleansing Event, an adventurous Mod tried to exterminate a particularly stubborn infestation of Bumper's Tick by stickying all threads in the entire Forum. But his plan backfired, as all the ticks spontaneously came out of their hiding places, infecting the entire Forum population with a particularly nasty strain of Lame. It is said that those who survived this pandemic ultimately became immune to the disease, but whispered rumors say that it is only because they made a dark pact with the Bumper's Ticks, explaining their mysterious compulsion to bump the haunted dusty threads of those terrible Ages for ever and ever...
The Butty Formless entities that hide in social networking websites, often posing as long-lost acquaintances or friends-of-friends-of-friends. They'll ask to be your friend, and you may choose to leave them wandering the abyss of Facebook Purgatory for the rest of eternity. Unless you accept their request. If you accept their request, they feel obligated to comment on everything you do. Particularly nasty Butties will bombard you with requests to help them work on their farms.
Cabinet Hipsters These smurflike fae are too cool to live in the forest. They like to throw parties inside your cabinets and drawers. They party all night, but by morning they are usually too tuckered out to clean up after it. They often leave spots of food on silverware and dishes that you swore you cleaned already.
Coolins Coolins are small creatures with an extremely low body temperature. They live in your freezer and feed on microwaveable and other frozen foods. They will often build nests at the center of a food item and feed on it from the center out. Because of their extremely low body temperature, when the food that they inhabit is microwaved or cooked, the center will remain frozen, even if the surface is scalding hot. Often, Coolins are found living next to a deLuke, as the deLuke's ability to steal temperature provides the Coolins with a satisfactory cold environment.
Chronaxe Chronaxes are mischievous imps who enjoy playing around with clocks. Their favorite trick is to turn the clocks in your house back ten minutes when you need to be somewhere, resulting in you turning up late. They also play around with alarms in the middle of the night, turning them off or on, and changing alarm time.
El Chubbycabra A wandering spirit which seek out areas bearing a couch, gaming system, and an Internet connection. Possesses the inhabitants or visitors of these areas. The spirit will temporarily turn them into sessile beings inhabiting the couch who will game and surf the Internet, typing or manipulating the controller with their unnaturally mobile, yet fat orange stained claws. The Chubbycabra will order out for delivery of pizza or Chinese food and consume them at a rapid pace, leading to it's host growing rotund with prolonged possession. Observers have speculated that the Chubbycabra may suck the food from the respective delivery boxes, but this rumor is false. They just eat fast. Exorcism may be performed via exercise or vigorous, hilarious, games (dropping 187 with a motherfucking NERF gun, for example). Less favorably, kicking the host's ass off the couch can work.
deLuke An invisible elfin spirit who steals the temperature from your drinks. If you've ever taken a sip of coffee and been disgusted by how cold its gotten, it's likely that a deLuke got to it. deLukes also warm up cold drinks and make chinese food all gummy when you reheat it.
Dottit Tiny goblins with a natural chameleon-like talent for blending in with ugly carpets and wallpaper. They have an innate hatred for bureaucracy and do their best to harass bureaucrats by stealing forms and other acts of mischief. They are the reason HR and DMV workers are so irritable. Unfortunately, they also steal other people's forms, which forces them to fill out the paperwork all over again. Can be placated by harassing bureaucrats.
The Drama Llama North America cousin of the noble Peruvian Llama. The DL is a creature so perfectly adapted to human civilization and company, that it is rarely sighted (or often sighted but rarely recognized). True to it's llama instincts, it prefers to feed off the ground, and will spit in people's ears to annoy them into throwing drink, dropping food, or tripping to provide for itself and it's llamalings. It is untrackable by hoof prints, since it leaves dust everywhere as a defense mechanism, and leaves no spoor since it uses human toilets (as well as using all the toilet paper and leaving the empty roll.)
The ERNG These creatures of chaos live within computer games and determine things like what items a monster is carrying, which block falls next in Tetris and so on. They are perverse creatures which enjoy having people swear at them. If sworn at properly they can cause players unexpected good fortune.
Excess Devil The Excess Devil is by no means a natural creature. The first Excess Devil was created by the secret order of corporate wizards employed by a certain tobacco company, using the genetic code of deceased Nikodemons, to induce chain smoking. Excess devils are made to die. When one is consumed and killed, it releases pheromones that induce the consumer into lighting up another cigarette, which, in turn, contains another Excess Devil. The Tobacco type Excess Devil paved the way for many other types of excess devils, such as the Fast Food type Excess Devil, and the High Fructose Corn Syrup type Excess Devil. In fact, in the few short years since it's creation, the Excess Devil has been re-engineered by most, if not all, corporations. An Excess Devil is particularly dangerous when in the company of a Beer Elemental.
Fart Knockers Fart Knockers, otherwise known as Gastro-Intestinal Imps, live inside your lower intestine. They are a loathsome people who delight in sending their hosts running to bathroom for what turns out to be no reason at all. They are also responsible for the "phantom poop" phenomenon - occasionally, somebody will take a crap, and then upon inspection, there is no fecal matter in the toilet. This surreal event is usually just a fart knocker escaping into the sewer system.
Hiphearst Gangly, hairy creatures that are often sighted at social gatherings. They often shroud themselves in tacky clothing raided from dumpsters and second-hand stores to hide their monstrous appearance. They lack low-light vision but still need to conceal their eyes; as such, they are perhaps the only creatures with a practical use for shutter shades. Mostly benign, but they feed on enthusiasm, originality, and personality while excreting irony. Many of late have settled down and become comfortable with a semi-nomadic urban lifestyle, leading to excessive gorging.
Huzzer The Huzzer is a tiny creature which looks like a hummingbird made of goo. It crosses back and forth between the dream world and the waking world, stealing little things from the real world to build its nest. It crosses from plane to plane through your cell phone. That "phantom vibration" thing you sometimes feel, when your cell phone didn't go off but you reached for it anyway, that's a Huzzer. After this happens, check your pockets - there's a good chance a Huzzer has taken some change, a paperclip, a crumpled up receipt, any little thing it can use to make its nest. If you're good at navigating the Dream World, you should be able to find the nest and stuff you're missing.
Kaffenoid Little sprites that like to cause mischief and discomfort amongst the human race. They frequently will strike people who've given up their coffee-drinking ritual. They transport themselves into the brain where they will dance, bounce, and perform other assorted gymnastics on the neurons in the brain, causing sharp pains. They are tenacious little creatures and will only relent to those with a very strong will and a boat-load of ibuprofen.
The Keynog A small goblin who lives inside your keyboard. If you have a sticky key, it is because a keynog has taken up residence beneath it.
Kovergnaw The Kovergnaw is a quiet, nearly-harmless little creature that resembles a gecko with a comically large mouth. It lives in bookshelves and occasionally in book bags and purses, and it feeds on book covers. Not the whole cover, mind you, just the edges and corners. They have a difficult time digesting hard covers and tend to avoid them, but chances are your paperback books have been ravaged by one of these creatures. No matter how gentle and cautious you think you are with your paperbacks, or even if you leave them untouched on the shelf in pristine condition, you'll pick them up one day to find that the corners of the cover are peeling apart, not damaging the integrity of the binding (usually) but utterly screwing up the aesthetics and your ability to claim "Good" condition when you sell it used on Amazon.com.
The Kowlma Small silhouettes living off excess electricity just inside your monitor. They appear as punctuation marks that are present upon typing and proofreading, but disappear as soon as the work is printed or posted. Occasionally a Kowlma will settle next to an actual punctuation mark looking like a duplicate, when the duplicate is erased, it assumes its role, proving to be missing on the regular document.
Liberchaun A Liberchaun is a cousin of the Leprechaun. Liberchauns are also diminutive Irish characters who guard fabulous prizes. But they don't live at the end of rainbows, they live at the end of unread books. They prefer books which are very boring, or which have been purchased but never read. In order to find a Liberchaun's treasure, you have to read the entire book before it has a chance to move out. They also tend to like old Irish novels. The largest Liberchaun family dwells specifically inside works by James Joyce.
Lirc The Lirc lives in Internet chat rooms. It never says anything. Yes, sometimes when you see somebody lurking for entire months at a time, there is no computer or human being attached to it. Young Lircs cannot maintain a presence for too long - they can be seen signing on, hanging out for a second, and then signing off.
Misantrophee This ghoulish scavenger is made up, as a jumbled mess of many ghostly partial body parts, limbs, heads and mouths speaking of good intentions, as well as a distinctively large collection of half asses. It feeds on lost bits of faith in humanity, hunts unkept promises and wild assumptions, unclaimed responsibilities, missed opportunities and discarded hope. Because of the high moral fiber content of its diet, it is generally quite happy and well-balanced. It builds its nests on high stakes, from where it uses its keen long-term vision to scan for parts of the bigger picture losing their grasp on reality. Its mating-call is UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG, which is used by the males to attract and deceive female misantrophees into believing there is a tasty snack to be found. At this sound, the female rushes into the situation with a big leap of faith, and as her belief becomes unfounded, it takes on a life of its own and become a new baby misanthropee.
The Misplayced The Misplayced are a mischievous gang of gnome-like creatures that revel in pulling pranks. Have you ever lost your keys/phone/sunglasses and look everywhere, only to find that they have been in/on your hand/pocket/head the whole time? That is the Misplayeced stealing your stuff,and then returning it to you at the most inopportune time to make you look like an idiot.
The Narcolepsy Fairy The Narcolepsy Fairy is the Sandman's not so nice brother. Instead of bestowing the weary with some much needed sleep at night, the Narcolepsy Fairy will induce sleep in people at very inopportune times, such as during an important class lecture, during a movie that you really wanted to see, or while driving. The Narcolepsy Fairy is also responsible for oversleeping on an important day. When attempting to make someone oversleep, the Narcolepsy Fairy will often employ one or more Chronaxe to disable alarms. It is not sure why the Narcolepsy Fairy does what he does, as, generally, he's a pretty cool guy, but some people believe that a falling out with his brother, the Sandman, lead him to become overly competitive in the field of sleep inducement.
Nightwoofah A parasite that attaches itself to what we know as a modern day dog, this creature makes its nest in the brain and vocal cords of its host. It lies dormant throughout daylight hours, but when the sun goes down it awakes and begins forcing the dog-host to bark loudly and for no reason. It makes its host continue barking for as long as possible, feeding off the sound waves it creates. Once they have found a satisfactory host, Nightwoofah's have been to known to inhabit the same dog for weeks on end.
Nikodemon The Nikodemon is usually inhaled via a cigarette. In fact, Nikodemon's lay dormant in cigarettes until the fire awakens them. During the initial period they are quiet and only make their desires known if they go too long without being fed their nicotine dose at the expected time. The sweats given off while trying to quit smoking will morph the Nikodemon into a Greater Nikodemon, much like what happens when you get a Mogwai wet. Even though the person may be 100% nicotine free, the Greater Nikodemon constantly desires more nicotine infecting their hosts with cigarette cravings, dreams involving smoking and the urge to return to the days when you could still smoke in bars. He will often accept offerings of nicotine gum but these individual sacrifices are never quite enough to tame his demands for more cigarettes. He lives initially in the lungs and during his life slowly migrates to the brain. Once he becomes affiliated with someone their is no way to ever fully get him out of the host
Nikobutter Related to both the Nikodemon and nMYOB. The Nikobutter always lives in the Anus and causes extreme reactions to any second hand smoke experienced by their host. This will cause the host to excessively wave their hands in the presence of second hand smoke, raise their voices, unnoticed to the speaker, when making comments about smoking, and cause the hosts face to maintain an ugly rigor they will maintain while in the smoke vicinity. It also increases the hosts ability to pick up the scent of any smoke, from hotel rooms to the clothes worn to a Phish concert, even if the smoking happened decades ago. Ironically, The Nikodemon and Nikobutter have often been known to inhabit the same host, which can lead to all sorts of problems
Numron This is a ghost who lives in cell phone towers. If you die in a car accident while texting or talking on the phone, this may be your fate. Like many ghosts, Numrons are bound to this plane by their unfinished business. In their case, it is a message that was never delivered. When you get bad phone reception, you can sometimes hear them trying to whisper their message. They are also known for calling people from an unlisted number and then not saying anything. They are also behind a lot of "heavy breathing" phone calls.
Phantom Step Phantom Steps live at the bottom of staircases. They are responsible for making you think that there is one more step left until you reach the bottom of the stairs, resulting in a hilarious misstep. A greater Phantom Step can do so in areas familiar to you, like your own home.
Phawlsees Phawlcees are tiny, microscopic creatures that, if allowed in, live in your brain. They convince you to regard other peoples opinions and ideas as truth, even if they are not. Once a false idea is accepted by the host, Phawlcees push this idea to the forefront of your brain and make you militant about these ideas. If nothing is done to stop this process, the false idea becomes ingrained in your brain so deeply, that you think that you, yourself, thought it up. False ideas implanted by Phawlcees in this manner are almost impossible to get rid of, even if you are aware that it was an implanted idea. Phawlcees live off of the negative energy that comes from illogical and combative arguments, so the ideas planted are often religious or secular in nature.
Pill Mimic These shape shifters disguise themselves as pharmaceutical drugs. After you swallow them, they live inside your stomach, where they feed on partially digested food. Once immersed, pill mimics secrete a mucus which protects them from your stomach acid, but also has mild psychogenic properties. This altered state is frequently mistaken for the intended effects of the pharmaceutical for which the pill mimic was mistaken.
Pixyl Pixels don't die. They are stolen by pixyls, who use each stolen pixel to construct there own monitor piece by piece. They can travel through electrical wires, phone or cable lines, or even radio/microwaves.
Pyrrot The Pyrrot (pronounced "pie rit") loves music, especially catchy pop anthems and addictive commercial jingles. When it hears a particularly catchy tune, it memorizes it. Later, it'll keep singing one part of that tune over and over again. Pyrrots live on your shoulder, probably because that's where they hear the best music. They have no respect for intellectual property.
Sock Smeagol Everyone has had run-ins with this thieving little demons who hide inside dryers and steal socks and other articles of clothing. But sometimes they sneak out in the middle of the night to play, swinging around on clothes hanging in closets, rearranging them, dragging random objects from around your house and putting them under sofa cushions and the like. One of their favorite games is to wait until there's only one pair of socks or boxers left in your drawer, and then steal them.
The Somelse Prob These incorporeal creatures hang around the less fortunate. They feed on compassion and when someone more fortunate is considering doing something compassionate they will leap into their brains and devour the compassion, causing an averting of eyes and the idea that someone else will take care of the less fortunate individual in question. Somelse Probs have discovered ways to travel via television and often hitch a ride on those commercials with the starving African children in them, among others.
Spliss A tiny goblin that naturally lives dormant in corn fields, where it causes no harm. Sometimes, however, after corn has been processed and consumed, the human digestive track activates the Spliss, where it runs amok causing gas and other discomfort until it eventually dies, is passed along the track, and becomes lodged at the very end of the excretory system. This is why you sometimes wake up for a morning piss and the stream for no reason at all sprays off in two different directions
Static Clingons Static Clingons live in clothes dryers and hampers, and consider themselves to be modern artists. They find beauty in adjoining two relatively unrelated items, and feel as if they are making some form of social commentary by doing so (though, if you asked one to explain the meaning, they will just tell you that you wouldn't understand). They are responsible for that sock stuck to the back of your shirt that you don't notice until you're out at a social gathering. Particularly malicious, evil aligned Static Clingons will attach women's underwear to any one of your garments when you're on your way to your girlfriends, parents or grandparents house. Static Clingons are closely related to Sock Smeagols.
Stidnab Traf These nebulous spirits live in deep hydrothermal vents in the ocean feeding on methane. Sometimes these vents close off or just run out of food forcing the spirits to make a pilgrimage to the surface. When people use natural gas to heat their homes, Stidnab Traf are attracted who then steal from your supply. Of course they don't stop there, and when hungry enough they will also steal your unfarted flatus.
Toekin A perverted gremlin that hides inside your shoe. Is often mistaken for a pebble or coin. Toekin derive sexual pleasure from being stepped on.
Trance Thief The Trance Thief is a fae trickster who works for the unseelie court. You know how your computer's spare CPU cycles can be used to crowdsource larger tasks, such as SETI@Home? The Trance Thief uses your brain's spare processing power to solve unseelie problems. When you're spaced out and staring at porn, farmville, or world of warcraft, the Trance Thief can utilize your brain power for evil.
The Upside Down People The upside down people are the ones who walk down the bottom side of the stair risers while you walk up on the top side. They seem drawn to Holy Men™ and Doktors, particularly those experimenting with or religiously chewing on cactus. At night, they suck the goo out of your sink trap for their sustenance. They are not to be trusted, as they seem to be in league with the Welsh.
THOSE PEOPLE They are invisible and there are unsubstantiated reports they try to steal all of your ill earned assets. On the rare occasions they are visible they can be identified by their smudgy skin color. Many natives are terrified of them, but this is due to ignorance.
Thotchuwur A psychic shape shifting creature that is able to assume the exact appearance of the back side of someone you know. Draws energy from awkward moments.
TWOKEY a NASTY LITTLE THING THAT LIVES IN YOUR KEYBOASR AND CAUSES AN UNMINTENDED KEYSTROKE FROM THE NEIGHBNORING KEY TO APPEAR. tHERE IS NO CURE.
The Uni-porn The Uni-porn has a one track mind, and will make you have one too, if you're not careful. Like many types of computer viruses, the Uni-porn lives in sex-sites on the internet looking for people to brainwash. Unlike computer viruses, The Uni-porn will not infect your computer, it will actually hack into your brain and begin reprogramming it. An infected individual will suddenly have no time for friends, family, their spouse or partner. They will become distant, sweaty, and develop HPS (Hairy Palm Syndrome) and spend an inhuman amount of time on the computer, in the dark, behind closed doors. If an infected subject is approached, it will protect itself by saying "I'm busy!" in an awkward crackly voice. The Uni-porn gains nothing from brainwashing people other than the satisfaction of making their already boring sex-life seem doubly so.
Wandering Cock A relative of the Lirc, these severed phalli enjoy traveling through the internet and popping up occasionally just to say "Hello!". According to folklore, these phalli were once attached to men in the real world, but got lonely and decided to leave.