Influence Others Now...
Without Being a Jerk
by Kevin Hogan
When I first started doing public events promoting my book, Irresistible Attraction,
I ran into a LOT of people who were taking "Assertiveness
Training" of one kind or another. Probably a function of who I was interviewing. Or maybe Boeing and Microsoft were doing these gigs then, as it was their employees I was often meeting with.
"Assertiveness Training" often transformed normal
and otherwise talented, intelligent individuals into complete
I began asking about the strange behavior of people which I observed and they
often proudly shared their experiences.
Had I not been told, I would have been led to believe that people
were doing "How to Be a Jerk Training," a specialization which
for millenia, was reserved only for men. An overwhelming majority of the people taking
lessons (at least those who were visiting with me after events)
in what they called "Assertiveness," were women.
Just what the world needs...more people behaving like men...!
Body Language, Tonality & Attitude
How did I figure out that otherwise normal people were using these bizarre, new communication strategies? It was in their body language,
tonality, and attitude.
There is a big difference between hostility and certainty.
There is a big difference between aggressive and assertive.
There is a big difference between robbery and thinking about it.
The experiences these people shared, reminded me that what people are often looking for is "justice" or "revenge" instead of "being heard" and "being significant" and worthy of input.
Not every person I interviewed for the book had these newly built in characteristics. But...
The problem that people who fail to assert themselves run into,
is that they confuse assertion, which is having a meaningful voice; with aggression,
we will define as bullying and/or gaining revenge.
[Aggression in the scientific sense is a useful behavior, synonymous with assertion,
active pursuit and so forth. The same is true when the term is used in all forms of
However, psychologists reference aggression as a negative trait which is more
synonymous with said bullying behaviors...now we know what we are talking about.]
The difficulty a lot of women face is that they believe that
if they act like men, they will be more respected and feel better
The research shows this is not the case.
The fact is that assertiveness and aggression (in the bullying sense) have nothing
to do with each other.
And the research is clear, women who appear aggressive actually
are much less respected by both men & women, so women lose twice.
Assertion is about "putting forward" an idea or thoughts and
feelings when logical and appropriate.
Neither gender does this particularly well, so if you could find a real assertiveness
training, it could be worth experiencing.
Let me give you an interesting scenario and observe how people "self and other-sabotage."
You'll recognize it...
How often have you experienced this?:
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