London might have the flaming Olympic cauldron, but right now St. Tropez has something even better: the twin flaming albino torches of ridiculousness known as Jedward. Dozens of hos in St. Tropez were temporarily blinded by flying gel crust and star dust when Jedward sashayed on by with America’s reigning gutter goddess Tara Reid. If the Mad Hatter served crack cakes and meth tea to Alice and Tweedledee and Tweedledum at his party, this is what the aftermath would look like.
The broken condom babies of Christopher “Kid” Reid and Robert Pattinson became friends with Tara Reid when they all did Celebrity (????) Big Brother. Yes, they are just PLATONIC friends and you can’t tell me otherwise. I refuse to believe that Jedward ran their tongues over Tara Reid’s deflated whoopee cushion stomach at the same time, because if that happened the universe would’ve barfed on this planet and drowned us all. A Jedward/Tara Reid sandwich is what you get when you order from the 9th Circle Deli deep within the colon of HELL!
And Jedward must be dumb as dick or brave as all shit if they’re hanging around Tara Reid. I mean, they’re white and powdery, and you know how Tara’s nostrils get when she’s around something that’s white and powdery. The next time we see pictures of Tara, a red sneaker will be hanging out of her nostril. Tara’s gonna snort them up.