Don’t have a costume yet? Not to worry. Here are some cheap and DIY Halloween wears you can slap together in no time. As culled from ANIMAL’s Slav Beat, behold: the ex-Russian spy Anna Chapman, the topless Ukrainian feminists of FEMEN, the meme-riffic Trololo YouTube sensation, the man that has the opulence, Voina’s Bucket Man and Putin.
Whether skanking it up, getting dapper or being extremely lazy, we have all your how-to’s right here. You’re welcome.
ANNA CHAPMAN: You are a flame-haired, hot-bodied, government-trained agent of seduction, deported spy and socialite. Wear:
(1) A long, seventies-style red wig, doused in hairspray for that authentic “lost in time” Russo-feminine mystique. Go boobs out for the Maxim spread version: (a) Any sort of lacy knickers or leotard ensemble, (b) grandma’s shiny earrings and (c) toy guns …or, for the cheap hotel room shoot version: (a) Mismatched cotton skimpies, (b) visible bra straps and (c) gaudy big, bright heels.
(1) Bare breasts, (2) a traditional Ukrainian flower wreath, (3) a homemade, Cyrillic sign, (4) a lot of make-up that you bought instead food and (5) cropped jean hot-pants with visible pockets, a FEMEN trend.
Biker posse optional, but helpful.
TROLOLO: You are the olde Russian pop singer Eduard Khil who accidentally became a smiling, trilling animatron YouTube meme. Wear:
(1) Yellow tie, (2) double-breasted brown suit left over from your ironic-car-salesman phase and (3) a grin, cemented on your face through constant singing of mysterious syllables, with random variations of the “ooo!!!!” face. Nod knowingly. Gesture enthusiastically.
Easily a unisex option.
“OPULENCE, I HAS IT” GUY: You are an advertising caricature of all things Nouveau Russe, rooted in reality. You are Russia’s obnoxious mega-bourgeoisie. All your things are made of gold. You have opulence and you speak English poorly, but it doesn’t matter because you have so much opulence. Wear:
(1) The kind of clothes a gangster who enjoys spa treatments would wear. Accessorize with (a) dead-eyed, scantily clad arm candy and (b) a tiny giraffe.
VOINA’s BUCKET MAN: You are the elusive president of an art-terrorist troupe Voina responsible for an epic dick bombing of St. Petersburg Bridge. You attack the Russian feds on the street with blue buckets on your head. Wear:
(1) A blue bucket and (2) a second blue bucket. Act accordingly.*
*Disclaimer: Animal is not responsible for any legal consequences or physical injuries resulting from charging at FBI cars or stuffing raw chicken into vaginal canals.
SHIRTLESS PUTIN: You are Russia’s prime minister ex-president Medvedev’s puppet master, doughy retrosexual extraordinaire and king of macho photo-ops. You are the original Old Spice guy, but instead of baking cakes, you poison your enemies. Wear:
(1) Shirtless Putin is shirtless.