“It is necessary to the happiness of men that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing or disbelieving it consists in professing to believing what he does not believe.” Thomas Paine
“No adultery is bloodless.” Natalia Ginsburg
As Jenny walked through the door, just back from a three day visit to see her sister, she felt something strange come over her as she entered the house. She brushed it off immediately and moved her luggage into the bedroom so she could unpack. Her husband Jack was still at work and would not be home until later. As she pulled out her clothes and was putting them away her little Yorkie popped up from under their bed with a shiny thing in its mouth. She ignored it at first but then something seemed peculiar; instead of it being one of Binkies’ toys it looked metallic. She snatched the item from her doggy’s mouth and suddenly it struck like a thunderbolt to her gut that the lipstick was not hers. At first she couldn’t quite comprehend it, she went into denial, perhaps one of her girlfriends had dropped it. She realized immediately that none of them wore glitter lipstick. Surely she must be mistaken.
When Jack got home she confronted him with the lipstick. At first he lied about it but he was caught red handed. Eventually he confessed to having a woman over when she was out of town. She implored him to tell her why but he could not give her an adequate answer. They had been estranged since the children were born when she became a stay-at-home Mom and they had fought often about a variety of issues, his long hours, her not feeling loved, his not feeling appreciated, the list had grown larger over time.
So why did he cheat? Is it inherent in men to cheat or are there environmental factors that contribute to this circumstance that destroys relationships and the trust that holds them together? Do men cheat for different reasons than women and is there anything we could know that would help save relationships if there is infidelity? Turns out there are some very profound reasons beyond just something new and exciting.
When Jenny and Jack came in to talk about their issues some very interesting ideas came out that have helped them reaffirm their relationship. Jenny was very angry not only about the infidelity but with Jack’s judgmental attitude toward her and his inability to take responsibility for how he was acting towards her. As we looked deeper into what was motivating Jack we discovered something that he was reluctant to talk about. When they were first married they both worked in the same industry and had lots to talk about, but after the children were born they lost touch with each other. He felt that she had abandoned him for the children and had let herself go. That she no longer cared about looking good for him. He didn’t feel that she appreciated how hard he was working to support the family and instead was angry with him most of the time. Both of them had difficulty talking about their needs and what was not working in their relationship without getting angry at each other. They had drifted apart and didn’t know how to come back together again without it turning negative. He had taken motherhood as a rejection of him and acted out as a form of revenge. She felt that he had abandoned the family for his friends and work and didn’t take an active role as a parent.
Dr. Gary Neuman interviewed over 200 couples for his book The Truth About Cheating. He discovered that 48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason for infidelity. Only 8% of men rated sexual dissatisfaction as the reason. “They want their wives to show them that they are appreciated, they want women to know how hard they are trying.” He goes on to point out that men have difficulty expressing these feelings because they believe it is “unmanly” to ask for a pat on the back. Most affairs occur because people are emotionally lonely.
Another reason why men cheat is the “birds of a feather” phenomena. Neuman offers that 77% of the men he interviewed said they had a friend who cheated. It appears that when guys get together and they all agree to cheat it legitimizes their behavior and diminishes their sense of guilt. If men are hanging out in bars where there are available women they are much more likely to fall off the fidelity wagon. If they socialize with other couples who are faithful they are far less likely to find themselves in compromising situations with a belly full of booze and even less inhibition. Neuman also points out that only 12% of men who cheated thought that their mistress was more attractive than their wives. This leads us back to the more intriguing aspects of marital infidelity, like the unexpressed underpinnings of emotional need.