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We're Not Getting Any Younger
Old Whatevers Never Die
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and while he's talking to her, he starts eating the peanuts on her coffee table, and as he's leaving, he says, "Thanks for the peanuts, Grandma, sorry I ate them all." She says, "That's okay, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em anyway."
An elderly woman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. She went to the doctor, who fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the her to hear perfectly. She went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The woman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
An old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, and a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. And the old man says, "I'm married to a beautiful twenty-two-year-old woman." The young man says, "What's wrong with that?" And the old man says, "I forgot where I live!"
As you grow older, do you miss the innocence and idealism of your youth, or do you mostly miss cherry bombs?
At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all.
"Do you remember when we were first married and you used to take my hand and kiss me on the cheek and then you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" "You bet. Let me go get my teeth."
Growing old is better than the alternative.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
I was talking with God the other day, and I said, "God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference."
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.
I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Old vets never die, they just go to the dogs.
The boomer philosophy is summed up in this line: I intend to live forever: so far, so good.
The old man thought his wife was going deaf so he came up behind her and said, "Can you hear me sweetheart"? No reply. He came closer and said it again. No reply. He spoke right into her ear and said, "Can you hear me now, honey?" "For the third time, yes!"
Two senior citizens are sitting in the activity room of an old-folks home and the old woman says to the old guy, "I bet I can tell you how old you are!" "No, you can't," he says. "Stand up," she says. He stands up. "Drop your pants," she says. He does. "Turn around," she says. He turns around. "You're 82," she says. "That's right!" he says. "How did you know that?" "You told me yesterday."
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Old academics never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old astronauts never die, they just go to another world.
Old atoms never die, they just decay.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old chemists never die, they just lose their refluxes.
Old chemists never die they just reach equilibrium.
Old chemists never die, they just smell that way.
Old chemists never die, they just do it inorganically.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patients.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old electricians never die, they just do it until it Hz.
Old engineers never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old math teachers never die, they just reduce to lowest terms.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old mathematicians never die, they just go off on a tangent.
Old mathematicians never die, they just lose some of their functions.
Old meteors never die, they just burn up.
Old nuclear power plants never die, they just go off-line.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old planets never die, they just lose their attraction.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old thermodynamicists never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy.
Old thieves never die; they just steal away.
Old trigonometry teachers never die, they just lose their identities.
Old weathermen never die, they reign forever.
Birthday Belief Systems: