Carolyn Hax: Trouble lurks below the surface
Dear Carolyn: My brother and sister-in-law have been critical of the fact that we are planners. If we invite them for a dinner party, then we generally send out an invitation, date, time, occasion and ask for an RSVP. We never hear back.
We've called and left messages on the phone, texted, e-mailed, but they don't let us know if they are coming. My husband is gracious enough to say, "Just make enough. If they don't come, we'll have leftovers." They are a family of four.
We've heard through others that they are upset that we don't check the dates and times with them before making plans.
So another Father's Day came and went. My dad was so hurt when they didn't show. It turned out that their son had a game.
-- An Organized but Frustrated Host
Dear Organized but Frustrated: The etiquette angle here is a no-brainer. Their non-responses to your invitations and voice mails and texts and e-mails are as rude and passive-aggressive as it gets. The family angle here is a no-brainer. You set a Father's Day dinner for your dad without clearing the time with his son? Really?
I'd say you're looking at a sister-in-law who is bent out of shape over mistreatment real or perceived, by you specifically or by your family in general, and is using these occasions as her proverbial duel at dawn. So far, your response has been to clean your pistol and set your alarm, under the faultlessly polite guise of "planning" and "asking for an RSVP."
Maybe it's more 10-foot-pole than pistol, but, no matter. It's still not the kind, compassionate or mature answer. The answer is to treat your brother and sister-in-law as family, and not guests.