Conscious awareness of our own behaviour will appear naturally, and in bursts, throughout our childhood and early adulthood, but only if the early work is done by our parents or by the social environment in which we live. For Mr Butterfly, who is now two, the beginning of consciousness around his behaviour comes in momentary flashes. The shot of cortisol (stress hormone) he experiences at the times we say, ‘No’ to his requests, is similar to us putting pressure on the brake in the car: he is able to stop, correct the direction in which he is headed and then accelerate away in a direction is socially ‘safe’. He is learning how to keep his car on the road when bends and cliffs appear.
If we stay with this analogy, reasoning with children is like explaining that the road is going to change direction or that there is a cliff up ahead – but allowing the child to drive over the cliff if the child doesn’t accept our advice. Often parents can pick up the pieces when the children are young, but the older the children get the bigger the cliffs and the tighter the bends and the less likely the parents can reason them out of trouble.
If parents don’t want to use the word, No, or won’t make a stand, it is as if they are committing to changing the direction of the road every time the road doesn’t suit the child’s wishes. Once driving alone the child can do nothing except crash when natural bends and cliffs appear in the road.
Extreme social circumstances can also help us to develop consciousness around our behaviour. My father-in-law spent the first six years of his life in war torn Holland and arrived in New Zealand with no money and speaking no English, and my father was raised as the youngest child in a large, poverty stricken family. Both men are hyper-aware of the need to drive their own cars – they had no choice. Craig and I both spent years away from home, paying our own way around the world and getting ourselves in and out of trouble without assistance. Both of us learned to drive our own cars – we were far away from home in a pre-internet era, and had no choice. The boys are growing up with more privilege than most: they live in a safe environment and have been allowed to be children – well nurtured, loads of play and hours spent outside each day. Their lives could be too easy. Or we could choose to put brakes on their behaviour some times…so they can learn to be conscious of their behaviour…so they too can safely drive alone one day.
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