It's Hard Enough for Two Parents to Raise a Child, But Adding a Nanny Makes it More Complicated
It would be impossible for any two parents to agree 100 percent of the time on how to raise a child. But, it gets even more complicated when you throw another person (a nanny) into the mix.
Each and every day each parent and nanny is called upon to make decisions regarding the raising of children. Not only may two parents have different parenting styles, different hot buttons, and different expectations than their spouse, when they hire a nanny there's a third personality that has been raised by different parents and taught different values and discipline methods that helped shape who they are.
Each parent and nanny have different formal education and training that influences how they raise children as well. For example, if one of the parents or the nanny earned a degree in Psychology or Early Childhood Education it's not fair for that person to assume the other two have read the same childcare books, taken the same child development courses, or even agreed to the same child-rearing philosophies as the others.
Then, there's the issue of the nanny being another person for the kids to play against one another!
So how can the THREE adults be consistent in discipline styles and respect one another? How can THREE adults show a united front when it's necessary, give each other the support that they need, prevent the child from playing the adults against one another, and never disrespect one another?
When a nanny has different child-rearing techniques than a parent, nannies should consider the following:
1. Have Regular Discussions About the Kids Without the Kids Present
Most nanny industry experts suggest the parents and the nanny have a weekly meeting. In my experience this just isn't possible. When parents come home tired from a hard day of work, they are bombarded by their kids who miss them and need their parents' undivided attention. Instead, simply have open lines of communication when needed. The meetings need not be in-person. Nannies and parents should determine what is the most effective way to communicate. Some may find texting works fine, or emailing might be most convenient, and daily logs are always a great way for nannies to communicate with the parents.
2. Support Each Other Publicly in Front of the Kids
Adults must present a united front so children can't divide and conquer. It also undermines the parental authority if one parent or the nanny doesn't support the other.
3. Check With the Parents to See What They Have Decided
Many children will use the one-liner, "Dad said that I could" to get what they want. There are few discipline decisions that can't wait for a few minutes. The nanny should ask the source. The nanny should always call or text the parent and confirm if what the child is saying is true. Plus, the parents may have other discipline ideas for the nanny to consider. Again, this demonstrates to the children that the parents and nanny support each other. There is always more than one way to do discipline , potty train, and raise children properly.
4. Respect the Parents No Matter What
It doesn't matter if the nanny disagrees with the choices made by the parents, or if she is mad at them for unrelated issues, she must never speak harshly about the parents in front of the children. Nannies should always discuss their concerns respectfully with the parents, but also listen to their opinions and try to incorporate the parents' choices and decisions when it comes to raising their children.
5. Parents Trump All
No matter how strongly a nanny feels about her style of child-rearing, she is not the parent. Parents make the major decisions in raising their children. Nannies are hired to support the parents' wishes.
6. All Parents are Doing the Best They Can
I've never met a parent that doesn't love their children. And, all parents are doing the best they can (and of course hopefully the nanny is too). Each child is an individual and no child-rearing technique works the same way every day for every child. It takes a lot of work and creativity to raise children, with new challenges popping up daily. Parents don't deserve to be scrutinized under a microscope, but neither do nannies.
In conclusion, raising kids is never easy. But, no matter hard it gets, parents and nannies must work hard, be creative, communicate openly, and support one another so that children in their care develop to their best potential.