Q: What is a frequently asked question?
A: Frequently asked questions, or F.A.Q.s, are lists of questions and corresponding answers intended to answer common queries about a particular subject.
Q: Why do I often find my question missing from the F.A.Q.s?
A: By their very definition, lists of frequently asked questions strive to include all questions that are frequently asked. If you don’t find your particular question, the most likely reason is that it isn’t frequently asked.
Q: I find this difficult to believe. I mean, I’ve put the question several times to friends and family members before consulting the F.A.Q. Doesn’t asking a question several times constitute a frequently asked question?
A: “Frequently asked” actually means “frequently asked by thousands of users,” not “frequently asked by one user.” Creators of these lists use highly scientific means to determine which questions are truly—and universally—frequently asked. If you can’t find your question, chances are that the problem isn’t the F.A.Q.s, it’s you.
Q: I’m sorry—did you just say that I’m the problem?
A: Yes. Most likely.
Q: How is that in any way helpful?
A: We strive to help all users understand the limits of an F.A.Q.s’ capabilities, especially users who think that if they can’t answer a question that millions of other people apparently can, it’s the F.A.Q.s’ fault for not having that answer. This is much like a mentally challenged person who can’t open a door blaming the door for not coming with instructions.
Q: So now I’m mentally challenged?!
A: This is what’s called a “metaphor.” Please consult any F.A.Q.s about grammar.
Q: Why are you so rude?
A: For that answer, you would have to consult an F.A.Q.s about F.A.Q.s about F.A.Q.s. But your time might be better served by simply abandoning your search for a magic answer and taking responsibility for your own profound ignorance.
A: We’re just saying that looking to deflect responsibility for your own stupidity onto rigorously and scientifically assembled lists of users’ common questions only makes you look stupider.
Q: Stop calling me stupid! Who the hell do you think you are?
A: Frequently asked questions about frequently asked questions, or F.A.Q.s about F.A.Q.s, are lists of questions and corresponding answers intended to answer common queries about F.A.Q.s.
Q: I wasn’t asking you that question literally. Are you telling me you didn’t know that?
A: We did. We were being deliberately obtuse.
Q: Jesus! Is there anything else I can do to get my questions answered?
A: It could be that F.A.Q.s are just not for you. In the future, you may want to find a different source of information and avoid F.A.Q.s altogether, or “F.A.Q. off.”
Q: Excuse me—did you just tell me to “F.A.Q. off”?
Q: Why don’t you go F.A.Q. yourself, you smug F.A.Q.ing motherF.A.Q.er?
A: While this is a frequently asked question, it is a difficult one to answer. Any serious response would involve complex nanotechnology as well as metaphysics. In any case, you have demonstrated an inability to grasp simple concepts, and are unlikely to understand. You’re a moron, but, of course, you know that—that’s why you’re reading this.
Q: I F.A.Q.ing hate you!
A: I’m sorry, that’s not a question.
Illustration by Sam Gross