an epidemic unique to the black community, the “diva dude” describes the mindset created in certain faulty brothas, developed after reading and hearing about the “good black male shortage” supposedly sweeping through the country at a pandemic rate.
it’s a condition, an aura which basically lets every eligible woman within a 25 mile radius know “look, i’ve read the same articles that you have, and since i’m such an “endangered species“, i pretty much have carte blanche to do whatever the hell I want with you. kiss the ring, desperate b*tch”.
they’re walking among us, twirling blue and white sticks and passive-aggressively suggesting dutch first dates as we speak, and it’s one of vsb’s crime-fighting duties to locate and brand them before they continue to poison the already murky dating pool.
here are a few characteristics and behaviors synonymous of the diva dude. If any man possesses seven or more of these traits, he qualifies.
think of this as a dating DSM-IV.
***before I continue, i want to make it very clear that being a young, successful, black male definitely doesn’t automatically make you a DD. DD’s are bred in insecurity…grown-*ss babies who need female attention to validate their existence. basically, these are the type of cats who would all of a sudden start using initials for their first names when becoming successful, thinking that “t. jonathan butler” on a business card might procure more panties than regular ole “tyrone j. butler” ever did***
1. they’re 25 to 35 years old, straight and single with degrees and decent incomes
basically, they’re the remaining 7.2 percent nightline leaves out when they make their hysterical “92.8 percent of black men are either dead, in jail, unemployable, still rocking FUBU, or f*cking a kardashian” graphics
2. they live in college towns or cities with metropolitan areas over 500,000 people
this is very important for two reasons:
A) most large metropolitan areas are perceived to have more “eligible” women than men, and this assumption allows the diva dude to basically get away with his bullsh*t unfettered.
B) if a group of women get wise and catches them, recognizing in them numerous diva dude characteristics, there’s always another mall or happy hour or convention somewhere in the city where the “mythical black man” shtick will probably guarantee free panties. there are suckers for DD’s with degrees born every minute.
3. they’ve been the proverbial ugly duckling until very recently
this is important, because the fact that they weren’t getting any rhythm before they got “hot” creates an inherent b*tch*ssness that permeates everything they do.
4. they’re only friends with other diva dudes
all DD’s are close friends with between one and four other diva dudes, a safe number which gives them a couple clubbing and tailor trip buddies, but not so many that their diva light doesn’t shine as bright. remember, these ain’t alpha dogs or lone wolves, just a bunch of beta d*cks thirsty for attention.
basically, this is the type of guy whose d*ck would get harder at the thought of a chick at the mall double-taking while he’s walking past her and jigging audi keys in his hand than it would if he actually slept with her.
5. they’re not chivalrous and proud of it
there’s nothing else that screams “diva dude” louder than a grown man who’s practically excited to get the opportunity to let everyone else know all the simple sh*t they’d never do for a woman.
“pay for dinner??? trick, please. what i look like buying you appetizers and water and sh*t when you don’t even swallow??? plus, you make like 31g’s a year!!! you’re telling me you can’t afford to buy your own damn iced tea???”
part of being a grown man is doing the right thing without any expectation of acknowledgment or reward, but a typical DD will voluntarily and happily relinquish a crucial component of his own manhood just because some janky broad or two didn’t immediately fellate him when he gave up his seat for her on the train seven years ago.
6. they LOVE to scapegoat
words such as “all” and “every” always seem to find a way into their sentences when speaking negatively about the opposite sex, a common practice used by folks so blinded by bitterness that they can’t see how foolish a statement such as “all black women with master’s degrees give terrible bl*w jobs” really is (even if it might be true).
7. they’re delusional
there’s nothing a DD loathes more than actually admitting that he’s a DD, a phenomenon which produces some of the most hilariously misguided attempts of synonym use known to man.
from “practical” and “prudent” to “rational” and “realistic”, a typical DD will have an endless supply of words and euphemisms that make his DIVA-ness sound much less harsh
“i’m not bitter. far from it. i’m just ahead of the curve.”
8. they’re in a ton of f*cking party pictures
diva dudes love posing in pictures at parties more than fat asians love pumas. seriously, if you’re ever at a mixer or happy hour somewhere and you’re looking for a diva dude, just find the ridiculously overdressed cat faux ice-grilling a camera while clutching a mojito.
9. they pledged a graduate chapter of a fraternity
10. they don’t actually date
instead of actual dates, diva dudes only interact with women they’re interested in through “meet-ups”; courting arrangements specifically designed to alibi them out of any expectation or accountability. saying sh*t like “let’s chill sometime.“ instead of “friday, i’m gonna take u to da movies” is an affected verbal manipulation allowing them to reap the benefits of a commitment without actually committing to anything. there’s a reason God hates lawyers.
admittedly, there is a certain allure to living this lifestyle. not so much in the DD actions, but in the figurative thumbing of the nose at all the nightline-esque stats and sistas stating that you’re extinct. but, despite the attraction to this state of mind, you have to remember that these are the dudes who probably will end up like champ kind from anchorman when they reach 40…single, lonely, and unable to function without the aid of his crew of like-minded relationship nincompoops, and all sistas (and brothas) should avoid them at all costs.