Smart and Safe: Expert Advice on Helping Your
| An Age-by-Age Guide
What's Going On
Your preschooler may sense your stress and sorrow,
but may not be able to verbalize his feelings. Or
he may not even remember what happened last year.
The most important way to make him feel secure is
to keep to your regular family routine.
How You Can Help
- If your child brings it up, talk about the events
in simple terms, expressing concern for people affected
and acknowledging that even though bad things happen,
there are lots of people who are working hard to
keep our country, and him, safe.
- Use pretend play, with dolls or action figures,
to help him work out his feelings. It may be easier
for him to act out what frightens him, but you should
talk through his actions so that he learns positive
ways to verbalize his thoughts.
What's Going On
Your child is beginning to see the world from the
perspective of others and can logically understand
what happened on 9/11, though watching too much of
the coverage can scare and confuse her. She is beginning
to make sense of what happened and "why."
How You Can Help
- Make sure she knows you're available to listen
and feels comfortable expressing her thoughts, feelings,
- Tell her what you, the community, and government
are doing to protect her.
- Discuss the positive effects of the tragedy
focusing on the sense of community, respect for
police and fire fighters, and the resilience of
- Talk about compromise, acceptance, and tolerance,
suggesting ways she can reach out to people who
are different than she is.
What's Going On
The anniversary may have the strongest effect
on your child at this age. He may have fixed (and
inaccurate) theories about what happened, experience
anxiety, or suffer from nightmares. He can verbalize
his feelings, without the capacity to cope with them,
and though he comprehends what happened on 9/11, he
may not be able to put it in perspective.
- Clarify the facts about the terrorist attacks
and subsequent events.
- Spend family time where you encourage him
to express his emotions and explain that since
the attacks, the government is much more alert
to signs of danger and is taking extra steps
to keep Americans safe.
- Offer a tangible outlet for his feelings
and worries. Encourage him to help others in
need by making cards, participating in a memorial
service, or donating some of his allowance to
a charitable organization.
- Discuss stereotypes and racism. Try to explain
what motivated the attacks.
What's Going On
Your pre-teen or teenager can understand different
perspectives and is gaining global awareness.
Because she's able to reason and think abstractly,
she may challenge you with tough questions and
struggle to understand her role in an uncertain
- Do everything you would with a younger
child, taking it a step further by engaging
your middle-schooler in planning for her future
as a grownup in a global community.
- Encourage activities that involve helping
others, such as volunteering to help kids
or elderly people in your community. Promote
cross-cultural thinking by challenging her
to read the news of the day or connect with
a pen pal from another country.
- Charge her with battling intolerance in
her school and community.
- Use the opportunity to explain a shared
sense of family responsibility and promote
reflective thinking, giving her the power
to participate in personal and family decisions.
Alice Honig on making your child feel secure: You
are the most important person in your child's life, and she trusts
you to keep her safe and secure. Even if she was frightened by
the tragedies of 9/11, you can help her control those feelings
by letting her know that "I am powerful and I can keep you safe!"
Don't ignore or gloss over the sadness of the events; however,
the contrast between a solemn school memorial and what might seem
like your indifference will just confuse your child. Express sorrow
and concern for the victims and their families, but stay calm
and hopeful. Listen to your child's questions and answer them
as truthfully as you can, constantly reinforcing your message
of family togetherness and love. For example, if your child expresses
that "bad men killed those people," answer her with a calm but
emphatic "Yes! The terrorists were bad because they wanted to
kill people who believed differently from them." You can go on
to explain that you always want her to listen to and tolerate
other people's ideas, as long as those people "are peaceful and
do not try to hurt others." This discussion is also an important
opportunity to explain why you always need to know where she is
and how she can be reached. If she's having trouble eating, sleeping,
or staying focused, make sure to help her talk out her feelings.
And end any conversation with a big hug and a big "I love you."
Alice Sterling Honig, Ph.D is a professor emerita of child development
at Syracuse University. She has done extensive research and written
books and articles on infants and toddlers and preschooler social
development. Dr. Honig is a licensed psychologist and a Fellow
of the American Psychological Association and of the Society for
Research in Child Development.
Adele Brodkin on finding the appropriate way to discuss
9/11 with your child: When you're deciding how to address
the 9/11 anniversary, consider these 3 factors: your child's age,
his physical and emotional closeness to the tragic events, and
his individual needs and personality. Older children, ages 9 12,
probably remember the event clearly and are completely aware of
the anniversary, while kindergartners and first graders who live
far away from New York and Washington, DC might not be aware of
it at all. If your young child shows little interest or concern,
resist the temptation to discuss 9/11 in too much depth; just
acknowledge the anniversary briefly and indicate your willingness
to answer any questions he might have. Middle-school students
will benefit from detailed answers to their questions and open
discussions, but if your child has a tendency to worry, you might
want to tone down conversations that could make him anxious. Children
who live in lower Manhattan will be reminded of 9/11 no matter
what at home, in the neighborhood, and at school
and those who lost someone dear to them will have the hardest
time dealing with the anniversary. If this is the case in your
family, don't push your child to discuss his feelings. Make it
clear that it's okay to talk and okay not to talk, and provide
lots of opportunities for private conversations.
Adele M. Brodkin, Ph.D, is a faculty member for the Institute
for Training in Infant and Preschool Mental Health, Youth Consultation
Service, and a member of the psychiatry department, section of
psychology, at St. Barnabas Medical Center in northern New Jersey.
Dr. Brodkin serves as Scholastic's senior child development consultant
and is the author of a number of books and articles, including
Fresh Approaches to Working With Problematic Behavior.
Bruce Perry on the lessons 9/11 can teach your child:
First of all, review what happened on 9/11 together make
sure your child doesn't have a distorted view of the facts. Ask
her when the events occurred, who was responsible, how many people
died (some children think that "the firemen saved them all" while
others estimate "about a million people died") and what the U.S.
did to respond. Talk to her about the evolution of religious and
ethnic stereotypes: explain that people who don't understand Islam
tended to make generalizations about Muslim people, but that it's
wiser not to generalize. Point out the support America received
from the Arab world, and discuss how the emotions Americans felt
after 9/11 shifted from fear, sadness, and anger to a deeper sense
of community. This is a wonderful opportunity to talk about resilience
and endurance -- as you talk with your child, focus on the strength
that so many individuals showed in their capacity to share and
support others, endure pain without bitterness, and begin to rebuild
their lives. Finally, remind your child of our country's extraordinary
capacity for restoration following this enormous challenge.
Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D., is an internationally-recognized
authority on children in crisis. Dr. Perry is the Senior Fellow
of the Child Trauma Academy in Houston, Texas, and the Medical
Director for Children's Mental Health Programs for Alberta, Canada.
He has been consulted on many high-profile incidents involving
traumatized children, including the attacks of 9/11, Columbine,
Colorado school shootings, the Oklahoma City bombing, and the
Branch Davidian siege.
Polly Greenberg on talking realistically about 9/11: Be straightforward
and realistic about what happened on September 11th. Reassure
your child that we're doing our very best to keep him safe, and
that the probability of anything bad happening to him is very,
very small. You can't promise that nothing like 9/11 can possibly
happen again, so don't: your child trusts you to tell him the
absolute truth but don't give details or dwell on this scary subject.
Return quickly to happier topics.
Though it might be easier to discuss the situation in terms of
good guys and bad guys with children under 5, avoid simplifying
things to an older child. Explain that some people are very angry
at Americans, even Americans they don't know, for a number of
complicated reasons. Your explanation can be simple for a 5 year
old and more complex for a 12 year old. Above all, give your child
a sense of hope and make her feel that there's something she can
do. If she learns how to solve problems with her friends and siblings,
she'll be able to work with grownups from other countries when
she grows up to help solve big problems like this one, just as
many adults today are working hard to solve the problems that
came from 9/11 and those that might have caused it.
Polly Greenberg, former editor of Young Children, the journal
of the National Association for the Education of Young Children
(NAEYC), is a child/parent/staff development specialist. Her primary
concern is developing children whose character and contributions
as adults will help make the world a little better.