A mom asked us about her daughter who hit another child in kindergarten. It was a shock to her, in part because her daughter had not hit others before and she was unsure what that meant.
So we talked with Laura Knechtges, who coordinates parent education classes at Metropolitan Family Service. She offered some helpful reminders of how to approach a situation in which a child is acting out.
First, she cautioned, refrain from imposing your adult reading of a situation onto the actions of your 5- or 6-year-old.
Kids often hit as a result of not being heard or their feelings being hurt, she said. They may try “using their words” but when that fails to work, bam! They’ll resort to something they think will. Like hitting.
"It’s not spiteful, mean or manipulative," she said. It’s that kids are "doing what I know works."
She suggested that parents also find out what led up to the hitting, because understanding the whole situation helps inform whatever actions you take. Did the incident occur before lunchtime, when your child was hungry? Was your child tired before the meltdown? You can ward off hitting and tantrumming by dealing with those stressors ahead of time.
And then, she said, decide two questions for yourself: What do I want my child to learn from this? And how am I going to teach that?
So with regards to hitting, the parent might want to teach the child that there are much more appropriate actions to take when she’s hurt or frustrated. And then you have to consider how to go about doing that.
Among your options: Try problem solving with the child. Talk it out and help guide her in figuring out a bunch of solutions. Those solutions could be asking for help from a grownup in the room, or to try using words again to resolve the situation. It could be taking several deep breaths to calm down or walking away to play with something else.
She also suggested role playing. Younger kids may be more open to that than middle-schoolers, she said. But in any event, it's helpful because kids can come up with the words they would use in a real-life situation.
"Just really start introducing some skill that the child can practice," she said.
And that’s another key idea for the parent to remember and share with the child. "It is practicing. And when we practice, we might make mistakes."
There can also be consequences for a child’s inappropriate behavior but she urged that the parent consider whether it is a logical consequence for the action. The primary value of discipline is teaching your child how to handle the situation next time.