I'm a black woman in my late twenties and have been experiencing a problem with the appearance of the outside area of my vagina. I'm light in complexion but in between my legs it’s very dark from my inner thighs up to my vagina and this is giving me problems with my partner as I do not want him to perform oral sex on me and I have intercourse with the lights off. I do not want him to see my vagina. What can I do to make the blackness go away?
I’m sorry this is making you feel so anxious and that your worries about your body are getting in the way of you enjoying pleasure.
Thinking about exactly why you’re upset is a good way to start addressing the problem. What led you to feel this way and how long has it been a worry?
You’ve mentioned how it’s affecting your sex life, but is it causing relationship problems too? Does it affect other areas of your life like playing sport, having a smear test, or wearing particular clothes? Is it an occasional worry or is it affecting you most of the time?
Things you can do for yourself:
Appreciate you’re like other women
Many women who are dark skinned notice a difference in skin colour on their upper thighs, around their genitals and bum, or under their arms. Vulvas are different shapes, sizes, and colours - ranging from pink to purple or brown and all kinds of shades from light to dark (examples can be found in this photo gallery).
Check for irritations
Sometimes skin colour or texture could change due to chafing from clothing. Skin colour can alter during/after pregnancy. Irritations caused by perfume, soaps etc; allergies to hair removal products, bleaches, or washing powder; dermatological problems or infections might also lead to changes.
(Re)connect with yourself
Often if there’s a part of our body we don’t like, we avoid touching or looking at it – and discourage others from doing the same. You may find gentle massage of your legs during a bath or shower or when applying body lotion (assuming this isn’t adding to the problem) helps you feel more positive about this area. Some women find this activity distressing. If that applies to you, writing about these feelings or talking them over with a trusted friend can be illuminating.
Build your confidence
Focusing on your general confidence and wellbeing can help you feel stronger. Gary Wood’s book ‘Unlock Your Confidence’ contains practical advice and activities. This worksheet by Meg Barker may help you think about how you view yourself and self care options. Mindfulness might also help you feel more in control.
Sport or dance can feel empowering. Music, poetry, books or films can make you feel positive or happy. Some women have drawn strength from describing their body (especially their genitals) with loving words like exquisite, velvet, soft, luscious or gorgeous. Can you think of more?
Don’t reach for the bleach!
Search the internet on this topic and you’ll find countless websites telling people that darker skin is undesirable or even abnormal but it can be ‘treated’ with non-prescription bleaches, pills or even surgery. This medicalises common variations in skin tone while allowing people to profit from the anxiety of others. Discussions about this issue, particularly those expressing disgust about darker skin, reinforce people’s fears.
At best skin bleaches waste your money and do nothing. At worst they can thin the skin and/or cause burns and scarring. If you’re applying them to your genitals or thighs damage could cause problems in later life – particularly during pregnancy or in childbirth.
Some women try this alternative. Calculate how much skin bleaching products would cost during a year. Set aside that money and use for a holiday, clothing, or funding a course of further study. I worked out saving the money you’d spend on an average-priced skin lightening product would give you a minimum of £200 by the end of the year to treat yourself. What could you spend that money on?
Can you tell your partner how you feel and how you’d like them to support you? This may be easier in an email or a letter or you might practice what you want to say beforehand.
Your partner may have ideas about how they’d like to help. For example to tell you how much they love your body or do things you both enjoy in ways you feel comfortable – for example them giving you oral sex but with the lights off or dim lighting if you feel safer. Can you find different ways to share affection?
He may be surprised or upset to learn how you feel and want to do all he can to reassure you. This can be particularly empowering if he is patient and allows things to proceed at your pace. If you find he is unsympathetic or if indeed he is the person who has made you feel bad about your body, you may need to talk to friends and family while you decide if this relationship is right for you.
If you are still worried
Hopefully the information above is enough to help you feel more in control. You should see your doctor if you think you could have an infection or allergy; if you are in pain or if you’ve noticed any unusual discharge or unpleasant smell from your genitals. If you’ve tried bleaches or treatments that have caused burns or scars you can talk in confidence to your GP or practice nurse. If you are really anxious about sex talking to a psychosexual therapist in person, over the phone, or online may help (your GP can refer you on the NHS but there may be a waiting list). You can see a therapist alone or with your partner.