Do’s and don’ts for new daters
There’s a lot of advice on the Internet, some from people dating, some from family experts, some from who knows who. But a lot of the advice is the same, as listed below.
• Take your time. Make sure you have a committed relationship before introducing your new beau or gal to your children. If they see some solidity, they’re less likely to be threatened.
• Let your children know that they have only one mom and one dad. No one that the other parent couples with can take the other parent’s place.
• Let them know that you’ll love them no matter what they think of you or your ex’s boyfriend or girlfriend.
• Stress that your loving someone else doesn’t mean you love them any less. It may be hard for children to grasp, but love is an infinite commodity that isn’t used up after so many relationships.
• Let your children talk. Let them shout. Listen and don’t defend. When you sense they are receptive, talk about why you like spending time with this person.
• Introduce your friend into family events slowly. If there’s something you and the kids have done specifically to spend time together, keep it to just you.
• Make sure the time you spend with your friend doesn’t come at your children’s expense. Spending time with them before and after a date is a good way to make them feel secure.
• Displays of affection can be confusing to kids, especially if they’re teens and working out their own feelings for love and sexuality. Slow is key.
• Get rid of your expectations. Maybe they’ll like him/her and maybe they won’t — it’s their choice. Go slow, give it time, be open and honest and maybe the children will come around.
To death and divorce, add another life-changing word that begins with “d” — dating.
If and when you’re ready to date again, doing so in a way that doesn’t make your young children feel threatened takes some finesse and a whole lot of love.
“It starts with good communication with the two biological parents,” said Mindy Erin Pardoll, an Asheville child psychologist who works primarily with girls. Children whose parents are working through their separation or divorce amicably are much less likely to act out or feel guilty when mom or dad meets someone they like, she said.
As in all matters of divorce and separation, it’s important not to put children in the middle, Pardoll said. Nonetheless, children may resent the fact that you’re going out. They’re already likely torn up about the rip in the family and see your dating as an attempt to replace their other parent. They might be mad at you for, in their eyes, leaving the absent parent behind.
Kids who used to have you all to themselves now have to share you with someone they don’t know. Children older than a few years may “get’ the male/female dynamic, but they might not understand it and may feel threatened by a force that’s beyond their comprehension.
“How well is an 8-year-old able to express their feelings to begin with?” asked Barry Rand, a clinical psychologist in Asheville. “When they have to deal with adult feelings, it can be very challenging.”
Backlash can come in many forms, Rand said. Girls, especially, are likely to internalize their feelings, becoming sad, depressed, irritable or anxious. Boys may act out, getting into fights at school or letting their grades drop.
These behaviors may also be a result of their parents’ split, and they can happen to boys and girls, Pardoll said. Expect your children to interrupt when your friend is over or to seek a lot of your attention. Don’t be surprised if they’re angry or hostile to this new person.
“I see a lot of feelings of betrayal,” Pardoll said. “The kids feel like they’re betraying their mothers if they hang out with their father and his girlfriend. Children almost feel guilty for being around the new boyfriend or girlfriend.”
You can alleviate that guilt by seeking the child’s other biological parent’s “buy-in” for dating other people, Pardoll said. It may be a difficult discussion (done privately and away from the child), but if the two of you can agree that dating is OK, and if you can tell your child that together, then there’s a much better chance that your child won’t feel guilty or disloyal if he or she likes this new person.
“If the mother supports her children socializing with their father’s new girlfriend, the child won’t feel like they’re betraying their parents,” Pardoll said.
She suggests that parents tell each other about potential partners before mentioning them to the kids. Sending word through the children will make them feel caught in the middle. Don’t ask them to be your messenger.
Start out slow, Pardoll said. The first time your children meet your new friend should be in a casual group setting where there are lots of children and adults. If the kids don’t feel pressured, chances are better they’ll like this new person in their lives.
If and when your child “takes” to this new person depends a lot on his or her temperament, Rand said. Are they curious by nature? Anxious? If they’re extroverted, consider doing something that you can all do together, he said. If they’re cautious and closed, don’t date unless your child is with her other parent.
Rand works mainly with couples and sees among his patients those whose children are having a hard time adjusting to the new blended family. That counseling often includes the children, so he recommends you consider a professional if there are issues with your children and your new relationship.
Most importantly, don’t bring the children into your new relationship until it’s serious, Pardoll advised. “The last thing you want is someone coming in and out of their lives,” she said.