Candidate #1: Enraged Elderly Conservative Internet Comment Writer
Pros: If we're going to heal this nation, we need our officials to begin reaching across the aisle. What better way to do that than to reach waaaaay across the aisle? I can almost see the state department press releases now: "On behaalf of "president" Barrack HUSSEIN Obummer..."
Cons: I'm almost certain there's some prophecy in the Revelation of St. John about this exact situation.
Pros: If there's one guy who understands the importance of tact and the power of thoughtful reservation, well, then we should probably find that guy and make him Secretary of State. In the meantime, though, why not put controversial extreme-right-wing painter Jon McNaughton in the position? Best case scenario, he and the president begrudgingly gain a newfound respect for each other while learning an important lesson about friendship and the common human ties that bind us all, presumably while "Solsbury Hill" plays in the background.
Candidate #3: This Real-Life Superhero
|LOOK AT HIS STEELY GAZE.|
Cons: While spraying a noxious chemical substance into a crowd of people is certainly something a comic book plot would contain, I question whether the super hero would be the one doing the spraying. Oh, wait, maybe he's one of those edgy 90's comic book heroes?
Ugh. Never mind. I don't want to suggest him anymore.
Candidate #4: Water-logged Corpse of Osama bin Laden
|Pictured: rather dry still-living body of Osama bin Laden|
Cons: I honestly can't think of a single reason the American public would object to this. Oh, wait! Did you ever realize that Obama kind of sounds like...