|Reviews for Blind Love|
| Natalie Millan chapter 1 . 11/14/2007
This one's kind of okay, though you might want to polish it a bit. You should also consider about making the character background or personality clear. Overall, it's an okay story.
| n11na chapter 1 . 11/2/2007
Firstly, might I suggest using paragraphs? You go down into new paragraphs for almost every sentence, rather than grouping sentences together and forming actual paragraphs.
You have numerous grammatical errors: (I'm not going to list them all, but here are a few)
In the line that begins ""Mrs. Robin." I said sarcastically," you should start a new line when Robin begins speaking.
This line is especially confusing to the reader:
He looked at me, that guy. Robin, though he doesn't match batman's partner at all. But nonetheless, he was one of the employees of the shop and he's a half of a funny guy after all. Well you noticed I had mentioned half, didn’t I? That was due to majority of his jokes were lame.
It took me a while to realize the guy's name is Robin, and the batman reference seems to come out of nowhere. A little rewording and it could sound better, and be clearer for the reader.
I know you like to build suspense, and you certainly do it well, but when the reader finds out that the mysterious "it" turns out to be a .hack/ game, it feels kind of. . . disappointing. I was expecting some kind of rare trinket, or maybe a game from Hell itself or something.
"Why didn't you tell me the fact which you knew Xalvamari in person?"
-This sounds awkward. "Why didn't you tell me that you knew Xalvamari in person?" would sound much better.
The whole yaoi thing is the funniest part of this chapter, good work on that. :)
Also, I'm sure there's a better way to describe how hard someone is laughing besides an internet acronym. There are a number of words, like 'hysterically', or you could even illustrate it more, "he laughed so hard his body went into a throe."
| idontwannapopuponsearchengines chapter 1 . 10/27/2007
What is the significance of Xalvamari? I don't understand why she was so upset. Why did it mean something to her and why did she care? Did they have a relationship before, or do they already do and are just not talking about it? And it seems Regina and Robin know each other somehow... a lot deeper than just customer and employee.
| Thracian chapter 2 . 10/26/2007
This chapter was alright, pretty short and not too much going on. one thing I found wrong was: "It doesn't literally means his hands are full with games, but it was a title he earned for being a genius in gaming."
Change means to mean.
Sorry I didn't really find this funny.
| Thracian chapter 1 . 10/26/2007
Okay so here’s what I found wrong:
“Surprisingly I found him seeking for the same game as I do. There was a raise of heat in front of my chest, and my emotions were overwhelmed by joys.”
change it to “Surprisingly enough I found him seeking the same game I was.” I have no idea what you mean by the second sentence, it’s a little odd.
Then: Robin was staring at me as if I was some idiots passing by
Change: idiots to idiot.
then: “What's that for." His hands were rubbing against his cheek. "You're being too violence, Regina."“
Change: His hands were rubbing against his cheek to: He rubbed his hands against his cheek. And Violence Violent.
Anyway this story so far is alright except I’m finding it kind of lame like many stories I encounter here seem to have japanese terms thrown in here because the authors are anime obsessed...nice name Robin though...