Over the last few years, I’ve been mulling over the nature of human interpersonal relationships. I’ve started to see relationships between people — platonic, romantic, familial, professional, etc. — as an entity separate from the people who formed them. Oddly, I think this has become a very useful working model for understanding relationships. I call my model the Grand Unified Puppy Theory of Relationships.
It goes something like this: when you meet a person for the first time, the two of you are given a Relationship Puppy. What that Puppy does after that point depends on how the two of you treat your Puppy.
With me so far? Cool. Let’s proceed to bullet points!
- In order for a Puppy to thrive, it needs to be given attention. It needs food and care. If both people feed and care for the Puppy a lot, it’s more likely that the Puppy will grow into a Big Old Dog. If the Puppy is neglected, it probably won’t survive long.
- Big Old Dogs need different care than Puppies. They have a certain amount of autonomy that makes them easier to care for in some ways. However, their basic needs still need to be met.
- If one or both people outright abuse the Puppy, it will either die quickly, or it will go feral and get mean. If a Puppy survives the abuse, it’s possible to bring it back to being a healthy Puppy, but that takes a lot of extra work.
- If you lock a Puppy up in a small space and never let it outside, the Puppy will get really neurotic. It will also probably poop on the carpet.
- Puppies are almost always the most fun, most cute, and most stupid right at the start.
- You can only have so many Puppies. Some people can maintain entire kennels of Puppies, but those Puppies don’t mature quite like a single Puppy with two focused caretakers. Puppy kennels are sometimes meticulously cared for, but sometimes they turn into one of those horrible Puppy mills, where all the Puppies are sickly.
- It’s easier to maintain a whole bunch of Puppies if you can convince them to be pack animals. Then their caretakers can somewhat share efforts in keeping all the Puppies happy and healthy.
- If you get enough Puppies together, sometimes they’ll start breeding and making more Puppies.
- Sometimes Puppies fight, and you have to keep them separated.
- If you train a Puppy right, it will probably do cool things on its own. This requires Puppy treats and patience.
- Some Puppies are naturally smart, and they keep you on your toes. Some Puppies are born kind of stupid.
- It’s harder to keep a Puppy happy and healthy if only one caretaker cares about the Puppy.
- Sometimes, Puppies just aren’t born healthy. They require a lot more work just to keep them alive.
- Sometimes, even the smartest, healthiest, most beloved Puppy gets hit by a car and passes away.
- Sometimes, even the sweetest, sturdiest Big Old Dog may eventually pass away from old age.
- Sometimes, Puppies will sniff your butt and make you uncomfortable.
- Facebook often resurrects Puppies from the dead, and Zombie Puppies aren’t always a good thing.