By Dan Gurewitch
INT. OFFICE (DAN & DAVID'S POD) - A GOOD DAY TO DIE DAN and DAVID, CH's most handsome men, sit at their desks, typing to each other on AIM. We see what they are typing (as written below) in SUBTITLES, over shots of their faces as they type. Dan & David's dialogue is ALWAYS TYPED. DAVID (smiling) and ever since then, I've called my mother "The Mozzarella Mommy!" DAN (stone-faced) haha. Noticing that Dan didn't actually laugh, David's smile fades away and he becomes concerned. DAVID hey man. DAN sup. DAVID u didn't laugh DAN wut DAVID u typed "haha." but u didn't laugh DAN (stone-faced) haha, sorry. DAVID (frustrated) there. u just did it again DAN ok, point taken. chipotle? David decides he'll let it go, this time. DAVID good call. i'm so hungry i'm angry. i'm hangry. DAN (stone-faced) lol. DAVID (more upset now) now u're being straight-up dishonest DAN wut, i enjoyed the joke DAVID u ever see a comedy special where the audience sat in dead silence and then said they loved it afterwards? DAN uh can we just go to chipotle because i am jonesing for a burrito w/guac DAVID [LINE TBD relating to PICTURE TBD] David sends Dan a PICTURE TBD. DAN (typing, stone-faced) rofl DAVID no. DAN wut. DAVID u didn't even smile. i feel like i can't trust u anymore DAN (hurt) dont say things u dont mean DAVID (really hurt now) what else have u been lying to me about? how deep does this rabbit hole go? STREETER (out loud) Hey guys, check out this viral world wide web film clip. Streeter sends Dan & David A STUPID CLIP. David laughs, then looks at Dan (still stone-faced). DAVID don't u dare Dan shakes his head in a silent apology, as if he doesn't want to type this, but he doesn't have a choice. Beat. DAN (stone-faced) roflmao David TYPES FURIOUSLY, slamming on his keyboard: DAVID F*CK THIS & F*CK U. U type "haha" or LOL or ROFLMAO when u are actually laughing! Friendship is built on a pillar of trust and that pillar has CRUMBLED 2 THE GROUND! Dan looks very serious, very emotional. He types to David, who doesn't pay attention, looks away from his computer, hurt and disgusted. DAN david... i have a medical condition... i can't laugh. PATRICK walks by, addresses Dan and David. PATRICK (out loud) Hey guys! Just got back from Chipotle. Just then, a FOOTBALL flies in from O.S., hitting Patrick in the nuts. He doubles over in goofy pain, EYES CROSSED, and unleashes a MONSTER FART. He then SLIPS ON A BANANA PEEL and falls on the ground. Just after his head hits the ground (face-up), a CREAM PIE falls from above ONTO HIS FACE. As EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE ERUPTS IN LAUGHTER, David looks at Dan, serious. CRASH ZOOM to Dan's face: A SINGLE SILENT TEAR drips from his emotionless eye. He slowly hits two keys, and an OMINOUS "BOOM" SOUND accompanies each one as the following two characters appear superimposed HUGE across the ENTIRE SCREEN: :D END.