Welcome to the all new weekly feature on www.JCWigriff.com called “Who Would Win in a Fight?”
In this weekly event, I will pit two contenders from the video game world against each other. I won’t decide the victor though – that is for you to do. I’m just the event promoter, outlining each warrior’s attributes and abilities. As Sgt. Friday would say on Dragnet, “Just the facts, ma’am.”
Tell me what you think. Back your contender up. Comment, argue, fight, and bicker. Nitpick over asinine discrepancies and minute details.
So, without further ado…
Who Would Win in a Fight?
Goombas are highly underrated, but perhaps people misjudge the sheer terror these creatures represent.
These evil mushroom creatures will fearlessly pursue their target, tirelessly moving left and right, with nothing preventing their relentless assault – except for the occasional green pipe.
The Goomba’s skin secretes a powerful neurotoxin that assaults the central nervous system, causing loss of fire-power, shrinkage, and eventually death. Truly, what man isn’t terrified of shrinkage?
The only point on a Goomba’s body that doesn’t secrete this deadly substance is the top of their head. In a mysterious development of Goomba Physiology, their anterior fontanelle never closes, leaving a gaping hole in the top of a Goomba’s skull. This large hole in the top of the cranium leaves the brain unshielded. This is the Goomba’s Achilles Heel, and a solidly landed jump on the top of a Goomba’s head results in instant death.
Weakness aside, the Goomba is a formidable opponent – but can it stand up to…
Oliver Goldsmith once wrote, “For he that fights and runs away, may live to fight another day, but he, who is in battle slain, can never rise and fight again.”
Slimes take this to heart. They are a much more evasive enemy than the Goomba, knowing when to fight, and when to flee.
Of course, this isn’t a conscious decision; it’s purely instinctual. The Slime doesn’t have a brain, or a central nervous system. They instead have decentralized nerve nets, consisting of sensory neurons that generate signals in response to various types of stimulus, like jellyfish.
This lack of a central nervous system could indicate that the neurotoxin of the Goomba may not be effective against a Slime.
A Slime will attack its target by bouncing and lunging towards an enemy. This could pose a great threat to the Goomba, because the Slime is a proficient bouncer, and could easily leap on top of the Goomba’s head.
But does a Slime even weigh enough to damage the brain?
So who’s it going to be – Goomba or Slime? You decide.