Why is Darren Bent on Twitter?
It is easy to see why footballers like Darren Bent are attracted to Twitter.
All you need is an expensive mobile (check), plenty of time on your hands (check) and an inflated sense of your own importance (check me out).
You don't need to be good at spelling (bonus) and thousands of strangers will tell you how great you are. If these strangers become "followers", and you have lots of them, you can taunt your team-mates about your popularity
But to paraphrase Bent's now infamous Tweet to Spurs chairman Daniel Levy: "Do I want Bent to be on Twitter. NO. Do I want him to get a life? YES. So stop f****g about Darren!"
There are some pretty bad things out there on the internet. But few are worse than Twitter, which has used weapons-grade banality to conquer the world.
Sportsmen, and footballers in particular, are the latest willing pawns in this bloodless coup. And it seems their advancing hordes are meeting little resistance. Indeed, they are being welcomed.
Why would anyone follow a footballer on Twitter?
Yes, the collected musings of Stephen Fry may be of interest. But those of Bent? Surely 140 characters is way too much space for reporting anything he's ever said? You wouldn't need much more space to write his biography (My first draft is 90 characters: "Get Ipswich deal, do ok, join Charlton, do ok, join Spurs, get rich, miss lots of chances").
I have visited a number of Twitter pages penned by footballers. I did this purely for research purposes (a phrase that should generally be avoided when discussing dodgy browsing habits). It was terrifying.
Don't do it. Ignore the urge. If, like me, you struggle with Premier League football because of, well, Premier League footballers, then your concerns won't be addressed by their Twitterings. Personally, I see no reason why an English heterosexual should be on there at all. But there's something truly appalling about our young athletes – who should be virile, brave and testosteroney – filling the internet with indecipherably inane nonsense sent 18 hours ago from TwitterBerry.
I'll let off Lance – at least he's doing something for charity. But Darren, you have no excuse. The devil finds work for idle thumbs, so put your iPhone down and do something worthwhile. Write to your Gran. Learn a language. Practice kicking with your left foot.
The internet wasn't invented for footballers. It was invented for jealous, bitter rants.
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