Thursday, September 11, 2008
Turning on the Large Hadron Collider has elicited lots of physics jokes. Here are some that are new to me:
A mathematician and a biologist go to visit their friend, a physicist, and are sitting on the physicists front porch, just talking. After a while, they see two people walk into the house across the street. Time passes, and three people leave the house. The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
The physicist says, "We must've taken an inaccurate measurement." The mathematician says, "If one more person goes into that house, it'll be empty!"
An insane mathematician gets on the subway. As he walks down the aisle, he points at each person and shouts "I differentiate you!" He is pretty scary, and the passengers draw back in fear. At the back of the car, a fellow is sitting calmly.
"I differentiate you!" screams the madman.
The man shrugs.
"I differentiate you! Why aren't you scared?"
The passenger replies "I'm e to the x."
The madman points at the passenger. "I differentiate you with respect to t!"
Q: "Do my bosons give you a hadron?"
A: I wouldn't mind computing the rotation coefficients of that symmetric bilinear pairing.
Two engineering students meet each other on campus in between lectures. One of them turns up on a shiny new bike. The other student asks him, "When did you get that bike?"
The other student replies, "Well the other day I was just walking to my next lecture, when a beautiful woman came rushing to me on her bike, threw it down, took all her clothes off and said 'Take what you want!'"
His fellow student nodded, replying, "Ah yes, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a particularly slow group of golfers. Becoming quite angry and frustrated, they call the ranger over.
The doctor asks, "What the hell is with these guys? They're the slowest golfers I've ever seen!"
The ranger replies, "Oh, they're a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. As thanks, we let them play for free anytime."
The three golfers fall silent for a moment.
The priest says, "That's very sad. I will say an extra blessing for them at mass tonight."
The doctor adds, "I have a good buddy who's an ophthalmologist. I'll ask if he can do anything for them."
The engineer asks, "Why can't they play at night?"
So Heisenberg is driving one evening and he gets pulled over by a policeman. The policeman says 'Do you know how fast you were going?'
Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'
A Higgs-Boson walks into a bar. The bartender says "You know, there were some guys looking for you."
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says "This reminds me of a joke."