1) Start fresh. Start with a clean slate. The night before you officially quit, smoke the final cigarette in your pack, and then go to bed. By the time you wake up in the morning, you will have officially started your first cigarette-free day.
2) Go about your morning as usual, being mindful of all of the daily smoking “triggers” you encounter. Triggers are those things you do every day that you unconsciously pair with smoking, like after a meal, while drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, or prepping your bowels for a morning movement. Understand that a craving only lasts a few minutes; if you can make it beyond that, you’re A-okay.
3) While reading the newspaper, re-read the same sentence at least 7 times; because even though you are reading the words, they aren’t registering in your brain due to intense, vivid visions of tobacco smoke dancing merrily only a couple of inches from your face.
4) With every sip of coffee, realize that caffeine is that bitch underling of the far more superior ine known as nicotine. Caffeine is the unsatisfying appetizer to nicotine’s stomach-stretching main course. “Caffeine,” you should say to your coffee. “I see through your veil. You are hollow.” You should whisper that last part, and then imagine you’re whispering it to coffee as it has its back turned to you and you came from the darkness, the shadows, and said that. And then imagine coffee pissing its pants out of fear. After all, coffee is a diuretic.
5) Panic a little bit. You haven’t taken a shit in over 17 hours! In fact, the last shit you took was after you smoked your last cigarette. Hm…
6) Grab your wallet, keys, and cell phone – you know, the essentials – because you’re going to buy some smokes. Hey, at this point it’s either you or the addiction; if you don’t take a shit soon, it’ll probably be you that goes first, dragging the addiction down with you. It’s a lose-lose.
7) Just before you open the front door, have a spaz attack. A real, old school spaz attack…whatever the hell that means. The kind that if you had it in public people would be wracking their brains, trying to remember if there was ever an episode of McGuyver where he created a powerful sedative out of common household items. Scream at yourself. Call yourself stupid. An idiot. A quitting quitter. Back away from the door and put back your wallet, phone, and keys.
8) Plop down in chair.
9) Stare at wall.
10) Plug your ears and close your eyes as to shield yourself from the cacophonous laughter. What cacophonous laughter? Exactly.
11) Go for an invigorating jog.
12) Vomit on a squirrel. You haven’t jogged in years and your lungs thought all the extra work meant you were dying or finally having sex again. Either way, vomiting was the appropriate course of action.
13) Imagine what the personification of murder would look like. Would it look like you looking in a mirror? Or maybe a pair of judgmental shoelaces? Shake your head vigorously. Splash water on your face.
14) What the f*ck are you thinking, man?!
15) You’re losing your grip!
16) Keep it together!
17) You can do this!
18) Wait, do what, again?
20) What? Who said that?!
22) Who’s me?! Answer me!
23) You just did!
24) Goddamn it! I need a smoke.
25) Buy cigarettes.
26) Take a drag.
27) Feel the voices slip away…far away…in to a hazy oblivion…
28) Take a shit that can rip the universe in twain.
29) Try quitting again tomorrow…
30) Or don’t…