A UK government spokesman has admitted that spending cuts aimed to hit everyone under the age of 66 were implemented because they want to shag old people.
'We want to have sex with old people' admitted a government spokesperson. 'This is why we don't want them to be cold, unable to afford to watch porn, or buy lubricant. They are notoriously dry'
'We still think anyone young is a bit of a tosser, which is why we have chosen to punish them. Hopefully they will all die and it'll be just us and the yummy geriatrics'
Amongst other controversial spending cuts, the government plan to increase the pension age to 66 in 2020; six years earlier than predicted; a move which has angered people born in 1955.
'They fail to realise that one day the younger people will be old, then they can shag them too. It's a very short-sighted set of policies and they have neglected to take this into account' says Adam, a builder from Northamptonshire, who was born in 1955.
It is feared that this particular genre of spending cuts have been influenced by the recent behaviour of granny-fisting footballer, Wayne Rooney. Financial forecaster and actor, Frank Mackintosh, predicts that once the dust has settled, and reality sets in, the government may quietly reverse their decisions.
'Once it becomes 'fashionable' to find young people sexually attractive, the government will want to seduce them with money. This will only happen if a premiership footballer takes a liking to prostitutes under the age of 30. Unfortunately, Peter Crouch just isn't attractive enough to instigate a turn-around. I may have a word with Beckham. Don't worry: I'll sort it'