*eyelash falls into eye* AAARGH YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME!
— a neat robot (@dinnersruined) August 29, 2013
Neighbors, ruining a perfectly good head nod with a "Hey, how are you?"
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) June 2, 2014
Asking me my favorite donut is like asking me to pick a favorite child. Jelly and Timothy.
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) June 2, 2014
I threw my e cig out on a hike and accidentally started a forest firefox.
— Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) June 2, 2014
If more Americans would remember to spay or neuter their hurricanes, we wouldn't have so many unwanted strays.
— Popehat (@Popehat) June 2, 2014
A carnival haunted house filled with bakers and chefs who jump out and yell "Gluten!"
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 2, 2014
porsche makes a car called the "targa", named after a road race that killed many. it's like naming a car "911"
— Huge bee in the car (@neonwario) June 2, 2014