I regret to say that the Twisty inbox, notorious for spewing tragedy and despair into my bungalow each morning, has repulsed me to an even more spectacular degree than usual today.
First I am apprised that “millions” of women are so demoralized by the universal sexbot mandate to be thin that they become “desperate” dieters so obsessed with food that they prefer “unhealthy treats to a night of passion,” lie about what they eat, and hide snacks under their mattresses.
Next is a piece on how self-help relationship books are selling like hotcakes, and why women are overwhelmingly their audience (“they’re prone to seeking guidance”). Men, apparently, shun all reading material that isn’t titled “How To Fuck Hot Bitches For Free While Watching Football.”
Self-help books that advocate women’s “self-empowerment,” by the way, are universally described as “sassy.” Although a Recchuiti caramel says they’re not as sassy as “How To Fuck Hot Bitches For Free While Watching Football.”
So why are women striving to diminish their physical dimensions while simultaneously seeking from assholes like Dr Phil fictional formulae for happiness in unfulfilling heterosexual relationships? What would make a sane person want to torture herself with food and study a pop treatise designed specifically to both exploit her insecurities and mystify the behavior of her oppressor, all at the same time?
ValetGirls, that’s what.
Hot chicks park your ride. You can specify what you want them to wear. Choices include bikinis and lingerie.
Given the option of hiring acne-riddled teenage boys in red vests or beautiful and sexy models and actresses trained in safety and hospitality, we’re betting our success that restaurants, boutique hotels, clubs and private parties will prefer the latter.
They’re filling the last porn-free niche on earth, where titillation has traditionally been all but non-existent: that grievously unsexy moment of vehicular disembarkation. Metrosexuals of the world rejoice. Now you can get a lap dance between the driveway and your cousin’s wedding.