Many of you have been gagging for news of Gaga. She's been off the radar for months. But the latest intelligence suggests a reason: she's been having trouble with her hair.
Well, it happens to us all. I once had a haircut that made me cry for seven straight days in a row. And I'm, like, a man. By which I don't mean I'm like a man. Now, internet dudes, d'you see the importance of grammar?
Lady G was spotted at a Hollywood club sporting what my researchers say is a "platinum blonde bob". Shocked observers said she looked sleepy.
However, after years of colouring her hair hourly, Gaga got a wake-up call when her follicles started exiting stage-right. Hence the short bob, if you can say that in a family newspaper.
Two years ago, she told a seminar of leading economists and statesmen at the House of Commons: "I have to get a chemical haircut because my blonde hair is falling out."
Being squeamish, I'm not even going to ask my researchers what a chemical haircut is. Sounds drastic.
Recently, Her Ladyship has been seen in a wheelchair, possibly caused by a hip injury, but more probably the result of her injudicious barnet tomfoolery.
We wish her well and hope to see her gyrating lewdly again soon.