Authoritative parents offer their kids lots of love and support, like the permissive parents. But they also hold high expectations, like the authoritarian parents. Age-appropriate expectations, of course – they aren’t expecting a three year old to clean up her room by herself. But they may well be working with that three year old to help her clean up, making it fun, over and over and over, so that by six she really can clean up her room herself. These parents are involved -- even demanding. They expect family dinners, lots of discussion straight through high school, good grades, responsible behavior. But they aren't controlling, meaning that they let the child do it his way, and they give lots of freedom beyond their specific rules. They listen, and they look for win/win solutions that work for kids as well as adults. They also offer their kids complete support to learn how to achieve these expectations. Because the parents are comfortable with their emotions and able to regulate them, these kids learn early to regulate their own emotions and thus are more open to guidance. Not surprisingly, these kids stay close to their parents, often describing a parent as the person they would most trust to talk to about a problem. These kids are usually high achievers in school, and they’re also the ones that teachers describe as responsible and well-liked; simply nice, considerate kids who are a pleasure to have around. This parenting style, is, of course, the one that research shows raises the best-adjusted kids.
Amy Chua said "Take any teenage household, tell me there is not yelling and conflict.” I have a fifteen year old and a nineteen year old, and we never have yelling. Really. Disagreements, of course -- accompanied by humor and compassion, from the teenagers as much as from us. But never yelling. That's a key difference between Authoritative and Authoritarian homes.
Are you having an Aha! Moment? Most parents think the best parenting course is the middle ground in strictness and demands. But that means they settle for reduced expectations. What we can learn from Amy Chua is that it's fine to set limits and have high expectations. Because what best serves our kids, what is often called the Authoritative style, has just as high expectations as the Authoritarian style. There’s no permissiveness, no compromise, no middle ground, in our expectations. Why would you compromise on the values that are really important to you, such as how people in your house speak to each other, or whether they do their homework before they Facebook?
But -- and this is a big but -- kids only accept the high expectations of authoritative parents because of the support they get. That means that along with limits, these kids get tremendous empathy, and step by step help in learning to manage themselves. They also experience respect, which means their parents listen to what's important to them and find win-win solutions. (That's one of ways you keep them from needing to humiliate you in restaurants to get you to listen.)
The difference between Authoritarian and Authoritative -- the difference between Amy Chua and me -- is the understanding and respect offered to the child. The difference between Permissive and Authoritative -- between many American parents and me -- is the high expectations. And the difference in parental involvement should be obvious – the authoritative parents are the most involved of any of the parenting styles. Which is probably why they’re happier parents.
So Chua got it half right. High expectations, but also high support, is what helps kids thrive.
Of course, this begs the question of exactly what kind of expectations produce a child you'll be proud to have raised. Chua focused on good grades and musical prowess. That's a fine start, but what about WHO the child is inside? Kindness, compassion, respect, forgiveness, acceptance of our human imperfections... As all of us know who are still learning to love ourselves, that's where the real work is. More on that tomorrow: Why Amy Chua is half right about children and self-esteem.
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