I've had some similar experience. Basically having my own version but it's moving so SLOW. Lost my dad the day before you lost your Dean. Watched my brother die in Sloan Kettering when he was just 30.
It's such an unnatural thing to get older then your older brother.
And I remember those holes in his flesh too. And the pain he suffered. And how at the end an autopsy was performed and they couldn't find any cancer in him. Which led some of us to believe they basically chemoed him to death. And how that early treatment window was lost in mis-diagnosis. And how every medical treatment they offered, we THREW it at him and all it did was unnecessarily prolong his suffering. That and it broke our family's financial back.
Dean's process of life and death is complete but now you are in a grieving and mourning process. It takes as long as it does and not hardly a second less. And anger is a natural part of it. Anger at doctors, at family (when treatment options are disputed), anger at ALMIGHTY GOD HIMSELF.
Try to go easy on yourself. It's not about Dean's life anymore. Now it's about your life, how you keep going and eventually get through this and create a new life. It ain't the one you asked for and it ain't the one you wanted but now it's the one you have.
May Dean rest in peace and may you find it. PM me any time.
There is nothing strange about having a bar of soap in your right pocket, it's just what's happening.
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