AWARD FOR UNCOMMON VALOR (PENDING INVESTIGATION): Quarterback, scout, and gunner Denard Robinson. Reports indicate that Robinson threw for 338 yards and four touchdowns, survived three INTs, and ran for 94 yards and a TD. Witnesses allege two game-winning drives in 72 seconds. Due to the fantastical notion of these claims, further review of tape will be necessary to verify these actions.
IDENTITY UNKNOWN. This soldier was found wandering the battlefield late Saturday night. If you can identify him, please contact HQ immediately. He was happy, uninjured, and believed to be fond of dancing.
ADDITIONAL INVESTIGATION ALSO REQUIRED: Melvin Ingram of South Carolina Gamecocks assault unit, who allegedly outran an entire special teams unit despite weighing 276 pounds during fake punt maneuver. Also returned fumble for TD, and then pulled down final onside attempt to end game. Again: fantastical tales like this require immediate video verification.
SAFETY TRAINING REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY: Continued smoking around live ammunition is believed to have caused five separate preventable accidents for the unit referred to as "The Fighting Irish." Continual failure of safety procedures has been the cause of two disasters in a row for this unit. Please advise re: technical assistance to prevent further losses.
ADDITIONAL RETRAINING NEEDED. A one-foot error in navigation caused Mississippi State severe casualties in action in Auburn, Alabama. Remember: precision saves lives. Retraining requested for ground unit.
ACCIDENT REPORT: Penn State injured in animal attack. Elephant backed unit into corner. Troops pinned for better part of three hours. Witnesses report initial horror, then extreme boredom.
OBJECTIVES GAINED: High ground in SEC East attained early in campaign by South Carolina Gamecocks unit in Athens firefight. Stolen artifact recovered by Iowa State, then destroyed in ensuing post-action chaos. Bruins unit believed to have won game, but lack of witnesses make verification difficult.
CASUALTIES: Ohio State survives surprise rocket attack with severe injuries. Mormon missionary unit believed lost during cattle stampede in Texas. Boston College, lost in indescribable theme park accident in Orlando.
MISSING IN ACTION: Penn State (elephant attack, last seen underneath sitting elephant); Oregon State (possibly devoured by Badgers.)
ERROR OF PREVIOUSLY REPORTED DEMISE INACCURATE: Kansas is 2-0 and not dead. Please correct earlier reports of total unit loss.
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION: Firing circuit problems seem to have been fixed at Oregon, as Ducks successfully detonated weaponry against Nevada, 69-20. Tennessee appears to have developed a model "BRAY-K-47" in conjunction with nearby Oak Ridge laboratories; SEC defenses, please take caution. Curious reports from Eastern Washington report loud explosions in Pullman. Remain skeptical, but watchful of these rumors.
PLEASE ADVISE: Crowd control measures needed at Vegas casinos after late recalibration error. Air support needed in Kentucky, as 114 yards of passing against a MAC unit indicates severe deficiencies in combat readiness.