Get a Clue: A Parent’s
guide to Understanding and Communicating with Your Preteens
The Tween Years
CAN BE GOOD PROBLEM SOLVERS
by Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D.
What do parents of children worry about as their kids move to middle
school? They’re concerned that their kids will make a smooth
adjustment to a new school, do well academically, make good friends,
stay away from the bad crowd, reject violence as a solution, and not
become a victim of violence.
If you ask fifth graders, they’ll tell you they’re worried
about being picked on by bullies. They want to be able to stand up
for themselves and not be pressured into drinking or using drugs.
Preteens are aware of the problems teenagers are dealing with and
they know they will soon face similar situations in school, at home,
and with their friends.
During the middle years, children are very attached to their parents,
open for guidance, and eager to help. This is a short window of time,
but one wide enough to enable parents and teachers to have an impact
on the kind of teenagers children will become.
THE PROBLEM-SOLVING APPROACH
In my research I’ve found a crucial link between emotional well
being and the ability to solve problems. How then do we help our kids
become socially well-adjusted and emotionally competent so they can
resolve everyday conflicts and make good choices about their lives
as they approach the preteen and teen years? I believe we can do this
with the “I Can Problem Solve” (ICPS) approach, which
is based on the following five skills:
another’s feelings and point of view. This enables children
to appreciate that everyone may not think and feel the same way about
motives. This makes kids aware that there may be reasons that
propel people to do what they do at a given moment and reasons beneath
the surface that underlie behavior over time.
alternative solutions. This encourages children to think of
all their options.
This encourages kids to think ahead.
This helps children anticipate potential obstacles and understand
that problem solving takes time, and that some times are better
than others for taking action.
Children who master these skills are likely to be more resilient,
better able to cope with frustration, more cooperative and better
able to both stand up for themselves and get along with their peers.
Emotionally and socially competent kids can think of different ways
to solve problems rather than acting impulsively or giving up if the
first attempt fails.
Good problem solvers have a “can do” attitude. They feel
as if they can make things happen, rather than experiencing the world
as a place in which things happen to them.
The problem-solving approach involves children in the process of thinking
about what they are doing and why. For example, instead of saying,
“Your brother feels sad when you hit him,” Jeff’s
father might ask, “How do you think your brother feels when
you hit him?” A key approach is to ask your children to tell
you how they feel about something instead of telling them how you
think they feel.
Even though preteens may know some or all of the “feeling words”
they will need to help them solve problems, they don’t always
think of them in the heat of conflict. Therefore, it’s a good
idea to practice using some words that can help children think about
how they feel and then how others feel.
Start with words kids have understood for a long time such as “happy,”
“sad,” “angry,” “proud,” and “frustrated.”
“What do you think makes Maria happy?” “What makes
you sad…or frustrated?” Move on to the words “sympathy”
and “empathy.” The ability to empathize--to feel another’s
pain--is an important part of social and emotional competence. It
can stop someone from hurting others and can motivate a child to reach
out and help another person in distress.
Other words that give children a way to recognize and express their
feelings are: “impatient,” “disappointed,”
“lonely,” and “embarrassed.”
Here are some other ways to help your child become a good problem
that different people can feel the same--or differently--about a particular
situation. Ask, “What would make a 4-year-old feel happy, but
would probably not please the child’s grandmother?”
GUIDE your child to talk about the possibility of mixed emotions--how
one person can feel different ways about the same thing: “I
felt happy when I won first prize, but sad that my friend didn’t
VALIDATE your child’s suggestion on how to solve a problem,
whether or not you agree with it. It’s important to keep the
flow of ideas coming. You might say, for example, “That’s
one way. Can you think of some others?”
your child by saying, “Good thinking,” rather than “That
a good idea.” After all, an idea that works once may not work
the next time. Remember, it’s the process of thinking of more
than one idea that will help solve problems.
brainstorming as a way to come up with alternative solutions. This
is when people agree to suspend judgment and consider any solution
that is suggested, no matter how farfetched. Once your child is comfortable
brainstorming different solutions, ask him or her to think about how
each solution might make others feel.
IS ANYBODY LISTENING?
The ability to listen is another core component of the ability to
problem solve. If we don’t really listen to what people say
to us (or what we say to others), we can’t be sure what to do
next or what’s at issue.
Not listening or not paying close attention can result in hearing
only part of what people say. This leads to faulty conclusions and
conflicts that could be avoided. Being a good listener also shows
that we respect the other person and that we care about what he or
she has to say.
One of the best ways to raise children who are good listeners is to
model good listening skills. If you genuinely listen to your children,
they will listen to you too. Here are some other good tips to encourage
- If you child is worried about something someone said, ask, “Why
do you think that?” Try to make sure that your child has heard
the whole message.
- Help kids tune into nonverbal signals: “Can you tell by
looking at my face or by my tone of voice how I feel about that?”
- If your kids are tuning you out, ask yourself: “Am I telling
them something they already know, or don’t want to know? Am
I letting them express what they’re thinking or feeling?”
(adapted from Work & Family Life newsletter, edited by Susan