To celebrate the release of what one asshole in Minneapolis described as “The Best Action Movie Ever,” we plopped our resident angry person Miles Lothe in front of a fresh copy of Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Here’s a transcription of what ensued.
12:00 – Oh good, Michael Bay has managed to out-racist himself yet again. Right out of the gate we’ve got the old-black-guy-with-crazy-hair Autobot being a nuisance in Sam’s life. Perfect.
For fuckssake, the first time around they explained the accents with, “We learned to talk from the internet.” Are… are there some secret ethnic internets I don’t know about?? Did like half the Autobots dial into the Hispanic internet accidentally? Because there is literally no fucking reason at all for this bullshit. Even Bumblebee, who has to talk through the fucking radio, manages perfectly standard English. Fuck. How goddamn long is this travesty?
TWO AND A HALF HOURS. Are you fucking kidding me? You’re fucking kidding me. Fuck me running, I hate all of you.
14:45 – What the fuck is an “illegal nuclear site”? … Wait. The Autobots are protecting us from ourselves, now? Wasn’t Optimus’ whole goddamn speech in the first movie about freedom and how we have to be allowed to make our own goddamn mistakes? Michael Bay, just stop trying to explain shit. You clearly have no fucking clue how story works, just blow shit up for us. Stick to what you’re mediocre at, you fucking hack.
21:00 – Asian Colonel Sanders, are you fucking kidding me. How in the fuck is that a line in a movie? Yeah, Sam Witwicky went to a fucking “Ivy College” and no one told him not to comment on your interviewer’s ethnicity. YUP.
27:00 – Who the fuck is this bitch?! “Do I look like a ma’am?” YES. Yes, you do. You look like a middle-aged woman with her hair pulled back wearing no makeup who means business. You look EXACTLY the fuck like a “ma’am”. When I was a kid, and my parents taught me to say “ma’am” and “sir”, because respect matters, old ladies would sometimes get upset. They’d laugh uncomfortably and say, “Oh, hey, don’t call me ma’am, it makes me feel old! HAHA!” Do you know why? They were afraid of seeming exactly like this fucking lady.
Of course she keeps classified information in a bunch of different purses. Of course. Of fucking course. Nothing “ma’am”-ish about having multiple purses on you, is there? NOPE NOT ONE THING.
BUZZ FUCKING ALDRIN. The greatest failure of our government is that the men we sent to the fucking moon have to appear in Transformers 3 to pay the bills. Shame on us, America.
51:09 – “The pillars defy your laws of physics” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. They’re not our laws of physics, they’re the laws of physics, you fuckjaws. Does Michael Bay think the speed of light is just some fucking thing that you get a ticket for exceeding? It’s like, “your laws of physics have no jurisdiction over us, puny humans.” If you’re going to be handwavy about science, at least meet us fucking halfway. Stop shitting all over our intelligence. Look, if you’re going to ask us to suspend our disbelief, and you OBVIOUSLY are, don’t fucking insult us by – you know what? Fuck it. Goddammit.
1:09:54 – Why in the living fuck would you trust the Decepticons, EVER? They’re the Decepticons. When they got to Earth, and had to pick a team name that translates from Cybertronian or whatever, they searched through our dictionary and went, “Deception! And con! LET’S JUST COMBINE THOSE. We’ll be the Decepticons! HEY HUMAN, WE’RE THE DECEPTICONS. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE TWO WORDS IN THERE. WANT TO MAKE A DEAL?” What English speaking motherfucker, no matter how rich or greedy he is, is like, “Decepticon? Like, deception, and con? SEEMS LEGIT.”
1:15:00 – Wha- Yeah, no one noticed Megatron blew the head off the Lincoln Memorial. Maybe he’s in INCOGNITO MODE.
…WAIT. So this bridge can teleport shit across the universe, and the first thing they’re doing is teleporting Decepticons from the moon? Just how fucking lazy are these guys? “You know, I could just fly the eight minutes to Earth but… ah, fuck it, I’ll wait for the transporter to turn on. It’s not like the Autobots have beaten us back twice already.”
1:19:41 – [laughter] “Creative accounting”? We haven’t been back to the moon because some guy used “creative accounting” to make sure it was too expensive? That is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard of. This fucking guy is claiming to have out-creatived the American Fucking Government when it comes to the budget. Seriously, Michael Bay, why even fucking bother? No one wondered why we hadn’t been back to the moon. No one was like, “Waaaaaait a minute – how come we haven’t been back in so long? THAT’S the plot hole I want resolved.” This is the kind of shit I’m talking about – why raise a question NO ONE HAD and then give it LITERALLY the DUMBEST FUCKING ANSWER POSSIBLE. That – AARGYH.
OH GOOD, HALFWAY DONE. FUCK.
HOLD ON. The Decepticons have a watch that literally hacks into Sam’s brain? They can turn into people, and they can hack our brains, but they’re fighting this war by waiting on the moon for a fucking elevator ride. Honestly, they deserve to lose this fucking war.
Aaaaand now the watch that is supposed to be incognito is fucking torturing him. SUPER INCONSPICUOUS YOU GUYS. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
1:24:50 – Yup. Of course the Irish-sounding Autobots are sarcastic and bad at taking orders. Obviously.
1:30:30 – No one thought, “Hey, the Autobots are all in one spot and vulnerable, maybe the Decepticons are planning something, huh?” Energon detectors everywhere in the world except the most strategically important place in the entire fucking planet. GOOD WORK AMERICA.
1:36:50 – THEY KEEP SHOOTING DOWN DRONES. WHY DO WE KEEP SENDING THEM??
1:40:07 – “We take the battle to them?” No. No, you’re not taking the battle to them, Optimus. They’re bringing a fucking PLANET into our orbit, and you’re fighting your way to a building in downtown Chicago. That is not taking the battle to them. Goddammit, who writes this shit?
1:42:00 – WHY THE FUCK IS MEGATRON WEARING A CAPE?
So, according to Optimus, literally the only fucking thing the Autobots have going for them is the element of surprise. Okay, fair. Whatever. So they have to use this one single advantage to stop an attempt to enslave the entire planet, right, and what’s the first goddamn thing they do? RESCUE THE FUCKING EYE CANDY. Are you fucking kidding me?! I can’t decide who deserves to lose more.
2:03:06 – Okay, Starscream. There is a thing dangling from your eye. How do you get it off? What’s your gameplan, here? YOU HAVE A BUZZSAW ON YOUR FUCKING HAND. YOUR HAND JUST IS A BUZZSAW. WHY WOULDN’T YOU BUZZSAW. USE THE BUZZSAW THAT IS YOUR HAND TO CUT THE ROPE. STOP FLAILING AND BUZZSAW.
2:07:20 – So, this asshole’s explanation for enslaving six billion people is, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”? Does that make zero fucking sense to anybody? How did no one on readthrough go, “Uh, hey, Michael? Um… there are more of us than them. Is… is that a problem for this line?” Like, why the fuck even bother with philosophy? Why even pretend this shit makes sense anymore?
OH GOOD, THE BLACK AUTOBOTS ARE BACK.
2:16:00 –So now there’s a fucking planet just chilling in our orbit, except it’s only half a planet. Can… can someone resolve that, please? Can someone take care of that? Cleanup on aisle 4, there’s half a planet sticking through a wormhole.
2:19:00 – THANK GOD OUR MISSILES WORK. TOO BAD AMERICA ONLY HAS TEN OF THEM. TOO BAD WE DIDN’T SHOOT ANYTHING IMPORTANT WITH THEM.
And of course, Megatron is just sitting there like a fucking asshole, cape covering his face. NO CAPES DIDN’T YOU SEE THE INCREDIBLES? Megatron ACTUALLY LOOKS like a drunk homeless guy right now.
Aaaand now the American flag is flying. I’m actually most furious that Michael Bay is trying to turn this into a fucking “America Boner” moment, like “AREN’T YOU PROUD OF US. AMERICA WINS AGAIN.” FUCK YOU, MICHAEL BAY.
[sound of table being flipped, Miles storming off]