If you’ve ever been punched in the face while playing, this could be why.
Picture the scene. Your friend has called you up and suggested a weekend of food, merriment and non-stop gaming. You agree because logic dictates there’s no better way to spend the weekend. You’ve rolled up at your friend’s abode, you’ve got the snacks, fizzy drinks (or beer, whatever) and you’ve had the half-hour discussion about what pizza to get. You settle down to a Smash Bros marathon, and then you remember. You remember why you don’t like playing games with your friends. Or just why you don’t like your friends in general. The reason you should never mix alcohol or an unholy sugar rush with gaming and friends is because they’re bound to have at least one unremembered irritating gaming habit. And when you’re not in your right mind there’s a strong chance you’ll give in to the craving and leap across the sofa to batter them unconscious with your controller.
Button bashing. The classic button smasher combines the panic of not wanting to look stupid in front of their friends with the overwhelming urge to win, creating a frenzy of unnaturally fast and irritating movement. People should go to button bashing rehab, because it’s a habit that society just cannot abide by. No one ever won a fight by closing their eyes and frantically waving their limbs in front of their face. Chill out, and you might actually figure out how to play.
Repetitive moving. One step up from button bashing is repetitive moving, where the offender has taken enough time out from damaging your controller to pinpoint one move that manages to floor you. They then will repeatedly and relentlessly perform that one move, without giving you a chance to get up, until they’ve won. Where’s the honour and chivalry in that? Someone needs to teach you that it’s not just about winning the match; it’s about demonstrating some creativity whilst doing it. Do that move one more time and the next KO will not be a virtual one.
Squealing. Admittedly, it’s the girls who seem to do this most, not just when playing games, but in reality too. Like, when they see a small dog, or receive an e-mail. Something jumps out at them on the screen and they squeal. Someone overtakes them in Mario Kart and they screech. When did this awful action suddenly become acceptable within society? No one knows, but it certainly should not occur within a holy sanctuary of gaming. Respect the eardrums of those around you if you want to be invited again. (Note to self)
The Cave Man. Some people squeal, others lose the ability to form a full sentence. You’re at a gathering with your friends; it sort of implies that you’d like to interact with them. Unfortunately most social interaction involves conversation. Some people are totally incapable of doing two things at the same time, and will grunt at you while staring at the TV screen, controller in hand. It defeats the object of bothering to arrange an activity with other people. Learn to multitask.
Commentating. We can all see the screen. We’re all staring at it intensely, trying to make sense of the array of limbs, special abilities and mystery clouds of colourful smoke in order to come out on top. We all need that victory, because we fail at real life. We do not need you shouting things like “A Pokémon just came out of the sphere!” or “That punch just launched you in the air!” because we know. I have to confess that I’m guilty of this one, but it’s hilarious when I do it. Before opening your mouth to comment on the in-game action, make sure you have fully mastered comedic observation.
Moving with the controller. This has become slightly redundant over time, with the Wii encouraging people to wave the controller around like a maniac. But when I was a kid, it used to drive me crazy when people would move the controller around in some vain attempt to help them defy the laws of in-game physics. It wouldn’t be bothersome if it didn’t lead to you pulling the frigging console off the shelf. It didn’t make that weird clicking noise before you sent it crashing to the floor. I knew I should have invested in some WaveBirds.
The Sore loser. Inevitably, the overly competitive, underhanded and aggressive member of the group will lose, and the whole event will end in tears. They were happy to dish it out when they were kicking your ass, but get one over on them and all of a sudden you’re an evil wizard who has covertly engineered their failure. And remember, words hurt twice as much when they’re coming from someone who’s meant to care about you rather than some faceless stranger on Xbox Live. When someone you’ve never met calls you fat and lazy, you can pretend it’s not true.
A night of gaming with friends might sound like the event of the year, but if you’re an easily irritated recluse, you might inadvertently widen the social vacuum.
Featured Image: Joshua Robinson