Hear ye, hear ye, Landers of the Lookout, for I have come to tell you a story. A story of woe and loss, of anger and betrayal, of the foolish pride of a foolish man, and the curse he brought forth to many a fan. Now sit yourself, grab a beer, and listen with your best reading ear, for the time has come to regale you with a sad tale, a tale of how the Seattle Mariners abandoned the man with a wondrous bat that went wammy, and found themselves stuck, with the Curse of the Cammy.
Now to tell this tale we must go back and back, to the time before time, further back than the age of the First Darkness, to the time of heathens. Long before Felix, Ichiro, Griffey, Edgar or even Alvin, this land was a wasteland of heathens who knew not the way of the Ball of the Bases and had no belief in the Baseball Gods. For too long, the land remained in ignorance, until finally, a few believers emerged. They called upon the Baseball Gods for guidance, and their prayers were answered. They were shown a path, a path of litigation and taxes and ugly domes, but a path nonetheless, and in the far off time of 1977, they exalted in the salvation of the land Pacific Northwest, as the Seattle Mariners were born.
The Baseball Gods had bestowed their gift, yet no gift comes without a price. The Baseball Gods were still unsure if the region known as Pacific Northwest was worthy of their bestowment. They elected to test this land and find if they were true believers. And so it was that the Seattle Mariners entered the period of the First Darkness. For ten long years, the team was futile, a loser among losers. Many lost faith, many abandoned hope, but there were the few who remained. The true believers cried out to the Baseball Gods. They prayed for a savior, for a glimmer of hope. It seemed to many as if their prayers landed on deaf ears, but the Baseball Gods were listening, and in the glorious spring of 1987 they answered. They presented the Mariners with a young boy named George, who preferred to be called Ken, but to the Baseball Gods was known simply as The Kid. And it was decreed that as long as young George should represent his godly name, he would be bestowed with untold talent and lead the struggling Mariners out of the darkness and into the Time of Light.
Following their young leader, the people of Pacific Northwest found hope, and with their hope came renewed faith in the Baseball Gods. In recognition of this faith Baseball Gods conferred the Mariners with three more warriors: first, was the untamable Randy, a giant of intimidating height, whose mullet and mustache inspired fear in all opponents; next came stout Edgar, a fighter with a machine like drive and line driving abilities above all else; and last came the goateed one who simply was known as Bone. Led by these four, the team found itself on the brink of leaving the Land of Darkness and entering into the Time of Light. It was hear that the Baseball Gods established the Second Pact, a pact that would bring the Mariners untold riches, but ultimately lead them to their doom.
As decreed in the Second Pact with the Seattle Mariners, the Baseball Gods declared that in recognition of the faith in the face of untold horror, the Baseball Gods would accord success yet unseen in this land known as Pacific Northwest. But in order for success to continue, the Baseball Gods warned that the Mariners must show proper appreciation for their gifts. Many prizes had been awarded to this worthy franchise, yet if worthiness should fail, consequences would be many and dire. The Baseball Gods declared the three Pillars of Scripture that must be followed: No awesome player must be let go needlessly, no mediocre player must be bestowed the riches reserved for those who are awesome, and no player must be kept beyond their time, no matter how great they once were. If these pillars would be followed, the Baseball Gods kindness would come down in droves, yet if the team should abandon this scripture, they risked the fury of those that had given them so much. To seal the pact, the Baseball Gods presented the Mariners with a young prince named Alex, a boy of untold talent riches.
All started off well. Times were rich as the Mariners found themselves in the magical land of contention. But with success came hubris, and so it was that the one we now know as Woody the Fool made the first mistake, he decided to part ways with Randy the Giant. The Baseball Gods were angry at the perceived slight of the first pillar of scripture. For how could a team abandon one who had achieved such great heights? However, Woody the Fool pleaded his case before the Baseball Gods, presenting the return he had gotten for Randy the Giant as proof that the team was worthy. The Baseball Gods took pity on the man and decided that only a short punishment was necessary.
As the punishment for the folly of Woody the Fool waned, and the reigns of control passed to Pat the Wise, the pride of the land Pacific Northwest was faced with a decision. For they remembered the words of the Baseball Gods upon bestowment of the Great One, the one know as The Kid. The seasons had turned and it was coming upon a time when the youthful bounds of this savior were fading. A rift was formed, between Kid and team and so it came that the rift was made permanent, as the Mariners sought to trade away the one who had brought them so far. They feared retribution from the Baseball Gods, for how was this any different than what had passed with Randy the Giant, but it was not so. The Baseball Gods in their infinite wisdom deemed the decision prudent and fatefully rewarded the pride of the land Pacific Northwest with the one named Cammy.
Cammy was strong, Cammy was fast, and Cammy repaired all wounds created by the great rift between Kid and team. It seemed that the Mariners had finally found their way. They wisely let the young prince Alex walk away, for they saw the darkness in his heart, and greatly rewarded was the team, with two players, one a foreign Magician who simply referred to himself as First Born, and the second a stout, kinda bro-ey dude, who lets be honest was probably juicing. With their newfound stars, the Mariners reached new heights. They broke records thought unbreakable, created slogans to inspire the masses and also hosted a pretty sweet all-star game.
But with new heights comes new arrogance. And so it was that the pride of the land Pacific Northwest found folly once again, forgetting the third pillar of scripture. They blindly relied on those who had once been great, forgetting that even great warriors grow old. Thus did the Mariners put forth good teams, but not good enough, in what they thought were to be simply the halftime of their great years, but how wrong they were.
The time of Pat the Wise passed, and the Mariners were forced to choose someone knew to steer their ship through the rough seas of the ocean of MLB. The team felt it had entered into the land of baseball royalty, that the great journey was finished and now all that was needed was to maintain. Thus it was decided to follow a son born into royalty, a son with no proven mettle, a son whose only saving grace was the greatness of his father. I speak of course of William the Unworthy. For it was William who not two months into his reign, would seal the Mariners doom.
During the great years of the Time of Light, none had been more important than the warrior Cammy. From his stout defense of the vast plains of Safeco, to his wondrous power, to the strong influence he had in making the magician First Born oh so happy, he was a cornerstone upon which the pride of the land Pacific Northwest had built its success. But William the Unworthy did not see this. His head was filled with pride and foolish notions of how to build a baseball team. And so it was that William the Unworthy did the unthinkable, he cast out the warrior Cammy.
The Baseball Gods were incensed. After all they had given this team, they would throw away such a glorious warrior. It was ridiculous, it was ludicrous, it was heresy. The anger of the Baseball Gods was a sight to behold, as sky and land trembled in their presence. A great storm engulfed the land Pacific Northwest, yet even that could not foretell the doom that was coming.
"A curse be upon you and all your players, now and forever!" The Baseball Gods spat.
And so it was that the Curse of the Cammy was born. Darkness descended on the land Pacific Northwest, as William the Unworthy made foolish move after foolish move, breaking all three Pillars of Scripture. Whether this was caused by was the curse, or simply William’s utter idiocy is yet unknown. However, the effects of the curse on players are vast and documented. Every player who came to the Mariners found themselves weakened, unable to play at their once great levels. The super-awesome, amazing, wonder-man Beltre, was simply regulated to being ‘good.’ The grand-smasher Sexson, found himself a smasher of air. And let us not even talk of the fat one who we shall not name.
Yet the curse was not contained to only those who came from afar. Warriors who grew up in the system would find that once they left the safe confines of the minor plains and entered into the harsh seas upon the ship Mariners, their skills would wane, their discipline would falter, and eventually they would turn into turd-muffins. Time and again it was seen, such as with Charming Yuni, and sleek Jose who shortly found themselves known as ‘you suck’ Yuni, and pretty chubby Jose.
Even after William the Unworthy was run out of town did the Curse continue. The new captain of the ship Mariners, Z the Shrewd, set about to bring in a new crew. Yet after every shrewd move, the Curse descended. Flying Guti, got IBS, the Kotch Man got "a bacterial infection in his tear glands that resulted in a constant case of blurred vision" (time out, holy fucking shit), and the Wily one Chone forgot how to be Wily.
Yet even as the Curse descended on all in its path, there were those who resisted. The magician First Born, set about himself a shield of translation, that would prevent the Curse from entering. But even his wondrous magic was not enough to stop the Curse of the Cammy, as slowly his shield was broken down and in the dark year of 2011, the Curse consumed him.
Another warrior seemed blissfully immune, the one known as King. Since his glorious coronation, the King has been resilient, terrific, and nigh unhittable. But darkness seems to be approaching; the King has lost some of his trademark zip, a telltale sign of the Curse descending. As the standard bearer of all hope in the land Pacific Northwest, the loss of the King to the Curse of the Cammy would be a cataclysmic tragedy. To lose the King would be the loss of hope. And so it was that a plan was hatched to remove the dreaded Curse of the Cammy. A plan put together by Z the Shrewd and an unlikely hero.
Since being abandoned by the team, the warrior Cammy wandered through the wilderness of the land MLB. Lending his services to many, offering hope to the hopeless and improving the WAR of many a team. Yet in none of these other places did he feel complete, for the Baseball Gods had deemed that the land Pacific Northwest was his true baseball home. And so after many weary years of wandering, the warrior Cammy, hung up his cleats, moving on from the land of baseball. Yet just as he became comfortable in his new life, he received a call. It was Z the Shrewd, pleading with the former warrior Cammy, to fight one last battle. For Z the Shrewd believed, that it was only Cammy who could defeat the Curse that bore his name.
And now we find ourselves on the doorstep of history. Will the return of the warrior Cammy to the great plains of Safeco for one last pitch appease the Baseball Gods and break the dreaded Curse of the Cammy. We will not know until the fateful pitch arrives, a strike I am sure, right down the heart of the plate, but will it be enough. I believe so, for to not believe would be to give in to despair, and so I bid you join me tomorrow, at the plains of Safeco, as we hope to bear witness to the end of the Time of Darkness, and the beginning of the Age of Hope.