It all started innocently enough… After stumbling out of In-n-out in a DoubleDouble induced coma, we decided to check out the low rent gift store that seemed to be squatting in the corpse of what used to be a Mervyns. What was the harm in a little shopping? Friends, there are some things that, once seen, can not be unseen. Read on only if you are brave…
First we saw some cute animal pottery. Look, a monkey:
Pigs, cats, dogs, cows funny:
Wait, why is that frog caged in wire? Are those flies? Hmm, well, cute little wood flies. I guess that’s ok. We should have taken this as a warning… The panda led us into a false sense of security:
Awww! Panda cute!
Here is where the story becomes frightening. Sensitive views need to turn away because:
ARGHHHH!!! WTF is THAT?!? Why is it leering at me?!? What does it know? Why???
Maybe I need to back up and take another look:
NO! That doesn’t help!!! What is going on? What is that expression? Smug? Knowing? And, for the love of all that is holy, what is that puppy doing there? Oh, the answer became clear as we continued deeper into Dante’s Gift Store…
Here was our first real hint that all was not right in this falsely friendly store. Here is clear coercion of a stuffed, um, penguin? koala? lemur? Either way, there was a tiny army forcing these innocents into subservience. If only it was just that because turning once again around a corner reveals:
OMG!!! Fluffy, and all the Fluffy family?!? CARNAGE!!! Heads strewn about! I couldn’t look at it… had. to. look. away.
GAH!!! That look says, “Where is my body? I was your best friend. And apparently I have a conjoined twin who also deserved this fate?!?” Poor Beagley! Can it get any worse?!? Oh yes, my friends:
Oh, the humanity!!! Caninity? Either way, who lops the heads off of two fluffy dogs, then ties a bow on one? And why??? Where will it end?
OH NOES!!! Horsey!!! It seems even crueler to leave them two legs as a mockery of their former glory….
I must certainly have reached the bottom of this pitted hell, but no, my friends. The saga continues (and if I weren’t so lazy I’d pretend this had something to do with hell’s layers, but that’s not gonna happen)…
You must be thinking, as I did before I lost all innocence, “Where are all the feet in this charnel house?” Please… don’t look…
Yes, they make a joke of pedal amputation. Ok, it’s kinda funny, but, sadly, I’ve lost all sense of humor at this point. Feet and legs were not done being abused:
Why do the evil candy corn (which is redundant if you ask me) and the fat penguin have spindly legs? Do penguins even HAVE legs? And WTF did they do to this turkey to make it bleed from the eye?
Think we’ve hit the bottom? Do ya, really? NO. 7 words: Sea Turtle Nipple Piercing and Fish Suspension… Yes, friends, I documented the abuse:
And I think they’re endangered or something. Now you know why…
Ok, if you haven’t chosen to avert your eyes yet, this next image is going to rip your heart out:
Yes, they ripped his heart out. Then they installed a zipper so they could do it whenever they pleased. This is Vladimir Harkonnen level evil, friends. (Go Google it. Then watch that other nightmare, “Dune”.)
So, they defile dogs, horses, teddy bears… but they’d never hurt a bunny, right? Please, no. NO BUNNIES!!! WHAT’S IN THE BOX?????
NO!!! Make it stop!!! Ah, a nice kitty!
Finally, some kindness in this dystopia… but, Kitty, why do you have that odd expression? WAIT!!! What did they DO to you KITTY??? NO!!!!
They scooped out yer brain and made you into a single serving tea pot?!? WTF is a single serving tea pot??? How many times can one blog post say WTF??? But really, W.T.F??!
A billion disembodied Santas scream at the injustice. Scream on, Santa. Santas. Or are you laughing? Are you IN ON THIS?!? Who is THIS guy?!?
How can he be happy?
Oh no, there are MORE of them! These are the minion of the Master, enslaving masses… indoctrinating:
And heaven can not help you if you fail:
I must escape! I must get the word out! I don’t have time to fight the boss level. I sneak, soundlessly toward the door. I’m almost there. Then… NO!!!
I knew it… St. Francis is finally getting back for all of the Assisi jokes. The world is doomed. Save yourself.
Good thing I had the iPhone with the WordPress app to send all this before I was smoted. Smited? app needs spell check…