A night out at a bar is filled with potential landmines just waiting to ruin your night. Seemingly simple situations become Mission Impossible-level complex after that sixth round of Fireball. Whether you’re struggling with the drunken munchies or wondering what the etiquette is for tipping a guy sitting five feet from your urinal, here a few common pitfalls that we can steer away from:
Are you on good terms with your ex? That’s fantastic! Except you’re lying because of course you’re not on good terms with your ex. I know. It seems like airing deep-seated, personal relationship grievances is something that obviously belongs in a private, sober setting. But at the bar, you’ll quickly decide that maybe it’s best if you do this in front of everyone you’ve ever known. Loudly and irrationally! Be polite, stay on opposite sides of the place, and save your tears for the comfort of your home. And don’t you dare check her Facebook pictures later that night. You’re stronger than that.
The bathroom attendant is a triumph of capitalism. It’s like someone once said, “I’ll bet I can get a guy to sit in the bathroom and watch you pee and everyone will give him money for it.” But I’ll be damned if I accidentally take a paper towel from him and don’t drop a dollar in his cup. It’s like coming face-to-face with one of those commercials encouraging you to put a kid through school for 10 cents a day. The key is to not make any kind of eye contact. If you meet his eye, like the billygoats before you, the troll toll must be paid.
We all have that one friend that is like the dog whisperer of getting you arrested. He’ll raise a casual horrible idea that doesn’t make any sense to anyone else, but is gospel to you. “That line for the bathroom is pretty long. Why don’t you just pee on the dance floor?”
Before you take his suggestions, always ask yourself, will this get me handcuffed? If the answer is yes, then ask yourself if the story is worth getting handcuffed? If the answer is still yes, then fuck it, you have to steal that police dog. If not, your future job-interviewing self will thank you for your restraint.
That Guy That Bumped You
If you’re anything like me, there’s a window of drunk in which the only thing in the world that makes sense is to hit the first guy that might—but probably doesn’t— deserve it. Resist the urge to get kicked out of the bar and have charges filed against you. He probably did bump into you, but that’s because this bar is at least 100 people over fire code capacity. Save it for something truly deserving, like a joke about how shitty your favorite team is this year.
Late-Night Bar Food
Yes, we all know that perfect intersection of drunk and late where you would rather face an entire Domino’s pizza than get laid, get home, or breathe. But if you’re at the bar around closing time and they’re still serving food, that’s not an experience you want to be a part of. Girls have that saying, ‘a minute on lips, a lifetime on the hips.’ With 1:30am hot dogs it’s, ‘a minute on the lips, tomorrow get the shits.’ Show some self-control and get to IHOP. Twenty-four-hour pancake places literally exist for people like you.