No duh. Due to American health regulations, the water in the bottom of the average McDonald’s toilet is filled with bacteria-killing chemicals. When ingested, most of these chemicals will eat through your stomach and cause your liquefied intestines to spill out of your mouth like you were a throwaway character in a Lucio Fulci film.Yet, hypocritically enough, fast food chains do not put these chemicals in their ice-making machines! This leads to an astonishing paradox: the toilet water in your local fast food joint has less bacteria in it than a cup of soda font Pepsi, yet the toilet water would make you sick if you drank it.
A good science experiment would be whether or not the bacteria in a McDonald’s toilet was less harmful than the bacteria in the ice, not just some weird yellow-green litmus test. Of course, we can’t fault a seventh grader for trying. So here’s an idea for Jasmine Roberts’ eighth grade science project. The hypothesis? It is cleaner to lick a stranger’s ass than shake their hand or kiss their face. Jasmine, you can even conduct your field study in a McDonald’s restroom if you’d like. We can tell you right now, though, that you’re going to find that our hypothesis is correct. And yet you’ll probably still shake hands with people you’ve just met for the first time, in the same fashion that you will continue to drink Coke over toilet water when you’re at your local Burger King.