You can tell where someone’s from by how they signal their turns:
- Oregonian drivers flip their turn signal on halfway through their maneuver–just to say “I meant to do that”.
- In Washington state, part of the annual state emissions test is apparently to check to make sure your turn signals have been disabled. After all, flashing lights can be very distracting when you’re stuck on the I90 bridge and trying to catch up on Facebook on your iPhone.
- Southern Californians: as my friend Mike Willits informed me, turn signals are never used, because why would you want to give away information to the enemy?
- In Canada, using your turn signals means “PLEASE may I change lanes?” And the other drivers always let you in, because, hey, he said “please”, didn’t he.
- In New York, things are a bit different. All the cars are bumper-to-bumper, so you’d never see the other car’s turn signals anyway, so instead, you beep out either an “L” or an “R” in Morse code.
- In the Caribbean, turn signals are reserved for greeting people you know in oncoming cars when you can’t flash your headlights cause they’re both out.
- In Hawaii, using your left turn signal is just another way to say “aloha“. Same with your right turn signal, for that matter. Everybody’s just so damn nice over there.
In Africa, in the Masai Mara and the Serengeti, all the vehicles are Land Rovers. And we all know how well Lucas electrical systems work. But besides that, who are you going to signal TO? Wildebeests and zebras don’t care, and the hippos think you’re winking at them…and that’s not gonna turn out good for anyone. (Oh, by the way, do you know why all the animals travel to the Masai Mara every fall? They go to see the Land Rover migration
- In Nigeria, both left and right turns signals are how you tell someone you’ve got a $17 million inheritance you need to give away.
- If you’re in Bora Bora, and you’re using your turn signal….I’ve got news for you, you’re not in Bora Bora.
- In Australia, well now, they drive on the other side of the road there, don’t they? So you might think you’d use your left turn signal to say you’re going right…but you’re forgetting, they’re also upside down there, so that cancels it all out.
- In Shanghai, there’s no point in using your turn signal cause the smog is so thick nobody can see them anyway.
- In Venice…gondolas don’t even have motors, much less turn signals. Duh.
- Alaskans always use their turn signals–the heat from the bulbs helps them keep warm.
- In Nevada turn signals aren’t used for indicating direction, it’s for betting: left means “check”, right means “I’m all in”.
- And teenagers everywhere–they can’t use their turn signals, it’s hard enough as it is steering with their knee while texting important messages to their friends.