“Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.”
So said Socrates more than 2,400 years ago.
I find it fascinating that thousands of years ago, parents were dealing with the same problems that we worry over now. Our kids are nearly adults, and they have lots of the privileges of adulthood, but why do our teenagers still insist on behaving like children (when it suits them, of course). It’s the age where they want no curfews, no responsibilities, and no rules. Instead, they proclaim, “I just want to be allowed to do what I want.” Then they ask for our money and waste it, fail to contribute at home, and give attitude when we say ‘no’.
Why is that?
The answer, simply, is development. It has always been, and always will be the case. Socrates and the ancient Greeks wanted their kids to grow up and be responsible in spite of the developmental inappropriateness of the demand, and we are just the same.
The development of teenagers
As our teens’ brains develop, their capacity to think expands. But this is a process. It doesn’t happen instantly.
As part of this brain expansion our kids experience a strong desire for freedom. They also now know how to get it! But often, they don’t want the responsibility that comes with it. This is why we hear them screaming ‘YOLO’ with their friends. They think they know it all, and want to live life now, and live it their way. While this is normal, we often see it as a selfish way of acting that eschews responsibility and accountability.
As parents, we want our kids to have fun and live life, too! But we expect them to pull their weight, be responsible and remember that they are belong to a family. Surely they can take out the rubbish and clean their rooms in between partying and studying?
These tips can help get the balance right, and encourage your teens to act like grown-ups – at least some of the time.
Responsibility breeds responsibility
If we want our children to be responsible, we need to give them opportunities to be responsible. If they fail, we take the time to help them understand what responsibility looks like, and then give them another chance to be responsible. Sometimes that might be immediately. Other times it might be after a little time to think.
If we want our teens to act like the grown-ups they think they are, we can negotiate expectations. Most of us probably do this informally, but these negotiations can break down if we are not clear, and if we don’t keep our kids accountable. Negotiate with them when they want adult privileges, and extend them when they show they can be responsible like adults.
Keep communication open and respectful
It is ironic that we tell our children to act like adults in some very ‘non-adult-like’ ways. If we want our children to behave like adults we need to model appropriate behaviour and communication.
When we criticise our kids we rarely promote improvement. Instead, we leave them feeling inadequate and that they’ll never live up to our expectations, and we disempower them. That is, we actually reduce the likelihood that they will act responsibly. But when we invite them to tell us how they can improve, encourage them in their successes, and provide them with opportunities to be responsible, we increase the likelihood that they’ll act maturely because they can feel our confidence and trust in them.
We would have better relationships with our children if we didn’t tell them 17 times before they left for school how lousy they were. This approach only diminishes us in their eyes, and undermines our relationship with them.
We all want our kids to grow up fast – to act like adults, be responsible, show respect. They will … eventually. But it is a developmental process, and it takes time. While we wait, the more like adults we can behave, the more we increase our children’s chances of becoming the mature, responsible children we hope they will become.
How do you encourage your teen to act more maturely?
More from Kidspot:
- My kids are grown up but I don’t want boy-girl sleepovers
- 7 reasons teens are just like toddlers, only bigger
- My adult child lives at home but I’m still paying the bills
More on parenting teens:
- Communicating with teens from Better Health Channel
- 5 reasons teenagers act the way they do from Mental Floss
- The adolescent brain: why teenagers think and act the way they do from EDinformatics