What if Rob and Russell weren’t the two former players who were allowed back? What if it were two random former players that haven’t been back for a second, let alone fourth, time yet? What if it were two former players that were voted off first in their seasons and were seeking redemption? What if instead of any former players, it were Mitch Hedberg and the stunningly handsome Ed Harris who got off that second helicopter? What if heaven could send me back the 30 seconds that I lost to the first “Survivor What If?” ad thing. Fortunately, Her Sweetness and I watched the first 20 minutes of American Idol in order to let Survivor get enough ahead on the dvr that we could zip through the commercials. Quite the fortuitous decision by us given that there were at least 2 more “What If” ad things that we were able to skip through. We get it CBS, there’s a new gimmick this season that you don’t think we’re smart enough to grasp, stop cramming it down our throats, we’re former federal agents, we’re smart.
I’d soil myself if I had to sit on the edge of that helicopter while it nose dove. Since it’s the first episode, let’s discuss a few rules that everyone should know in order to make it through the first vote. Do at least some work around camp. Don’t lead. Talk way less than you want to, but don’t be creepy. Smile. If you’re lucky enough to find an immunity idol, tell absolutely no one, you just met these people. Don’t attempt to make a game changing move when the game hasn’t even had time to breathe yet. If you’re thinking about making a game changing move, assume that everyone in the tribe has figured it out, then plan accordingly. That will probably make you nice and paranoid, but at least it’ll pass the time. Wear pants and a long sleeved shirt.
There’s so much to digest from the first episode, so I’ll try to hit on as many of them as I can, as efficiently as I can:
- Tools! Tools? What the f#%k? Why are these people given tools… in a box? Did you see how many nails there were in that tool box? If this is only about product placement, that’s lame. And if there is no tool box on Redemption Island, that’s the dreaded Double Lame.
- If I were forming a band, Red Neck Man Sweater would be up for discussion as the name of said band.
- Why is Phillip not a Federal Agent any more?
- Every time someone talks with him, they should call it a briefing.
- My theory is that Phillip has not watched very much Survivor before.
- That took a lot of brass for Kristina to not play the idol. I would have. I wouldn’t have given it to Massachusetts Bob, (NEVER GIVE UP AN IDOL!), but I probably would have played it just to be safe.
- Why didn’t Kristina vote for Francesca? Or Francesca for Kristina? Voting for Phillip was a wasted vote at that point.
- The older white guy is named Steve Wright. Apparently he played for the Cowboys in the 80’s. I would have preferred Steven Wright the comedian.
- Blonde dreadlocks man played in the NFL too. I wonder if they know each other.
- Seemed like the shots of animals and bugs were extra neat-o last night.
- This Redemption Island gimmick means there will be combined reward/immunity challenges again. Not a fan.
Time to pick a winner. Since there are 18 people to choose from and some of them weren’t shown speaking last night, I took to the CBS website to read some contestant bios so I can make a super informed guess on who the winner will be. One thing I’ll say is that based on their bios, just about all of the contestants think they’ll win because they can spot liars. If Phillip hangs around, they might not have to worry about using that skill.
She didn’t say or do all that much last night, but I’m going with Sarita. Reading her bio, I learned what sagacious means, and I also learned what a yurt is. Her hippie parents built and lived in one (image search it). For that, she gets my vote. Andrea is my second choice for reasons that I’ll explain if she seems like a better decision down the road.
Survivor Freeze Frame of the Week: Will not be seen this week. I don’t have my camera at my disposal. And my throat is dry, but it’s being treated.